Epilogue
Twilight opened her eyes. She was startled to find the room crowded with degenerated changelings. They were so close to her, she had a feeling if whatever had happened hadn’t happened they would have pretty much just swarmed her and drained her dry. But they had stopped inches away, and each and every one of them had the same somber expression as they looked down at the frail thing of a woman in Twilight’s arms.
They were degenerated, yes, but they were sane.
Twilight could feel their hunger still. But this was… different. She could feel their sorrow, their regret, everything. It was far more than she was used to. She was going to test if they had recovered their sanity by asking them to leave, but just at the thought they all quickly left. She thought of her closest individual friends in the hive. Of Nictus, Ceren, Keine, Nel, Charon. They stayed, barely recognizable. It took a few seconds for the swarm to file out, but before long the room was empty. She became worried about the now smashed entrance, but there were already changelings repairing it.
And she could feel everything they did. Almost see what they did. There was a tiny spec of her in all of their minds. And a tiny spec of them in hers.
She stood with Chrysalis and placed the Queen on the bed. She turned and looked to her friends.
“It’s time we get to work… We’ll have to make all of our progress back up again, and then some.” She said to them. Her voice echoed in the minds of every single changeling of the hive, though, even though she hadn’t used magic to do so. The five in front of her bowed.
“Nel and I will return to our places in Ponyville to spread the word that we are safe.” Charon said. Twilight nodded and they shot off.
“I will go alone to speak to the mages and the Equestrian guard keeping the barricade up, we’ll probably need you to convince them in the end.” Keine said.
“Take Ceren with you, she’ll be able to explain the details better than you.” Twilight replied. They both nodded and shot off.
“I will gather our hunters, and as soon as the barrier is down we will find food. Many of us haven’t eaten in days, you especially. We’ll have the best meal branch cook you up something nice.” Nictus said with a smile. Twilight nodded and she too shot off. Now alone again, Twilight looked down at Chrysalis. She was a little happy to see that the pained frown had finally turned into a peaceful smile. The burden of the hive wasn’t on her shoulders anymore.
It was on Twilight’s.
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so twilight in charge for while,
I cant wait for the sequel if there going to be one
i'm really eager for the sequel.
Queen Twilight... K
Is scarlet reverie next? Or is it the twilight was dark tonight or is it survival is hell trottingham?
Is Chrysalis dead or just in coma that is little unclear to me... Please tell me she's in coma pleeeeease.
7983921 I'm going to try and get the finale for Tartarus High out finally, then I'm either going to work on when hte night beckons or scarlet high
7983960 I guess you'll have to just wait and see XD
7983830 It was never going to be a wedding, I've already done that XD
She better just be in a coma, not dead. Though most things point to the first one.
Indeed, this is how the story should have ended before - it is a logical conclusion from how the previous chapter ended, and does not feel like an virtually-infinite cliffhanger anymore
Hope for the future... and Chrysalis is (presumably) not dead, just incredibly exhausted. Probably comatose until Twi finds a way to wake her.
7986262 I feel that too, but I know me. I couldn't really think of much that wouldn't require quite a few more chapters to even get to, let alone resolve, and rather than risking this sputtering out again I ended it and set it up to put the content I had thought up into a sequel.
I really want to get some other stories updated and finished too, and I am happy with this ending.
7986008 Yeah I had meant to leave it at the finale and then put the epilogue as a prologue in the sequel and leave it like that as a teaser for a while, but that would have just been a terrible idea so I released it as the Epilogue. It probably should have been the end of the final chapter anyways, but it was 3 am and I wanted to get it done and forgot about it.
Wait... did Chryssie die?
7998923 uh... what?
8061096 When I started this story I don't know if it was the first on the site, but I'd never seen it. Law Abiding pony's hive series is inspired by this one too. I see it all the time though now. I'm probably not the reason it's popular, but I do know I was one of the first to do it.
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
and how bad does it get ?
8104936 It's dark because it's not exactly a happy story. Without spoiling anything, there's varying amounts of blood but no straight gore, the story themes get pretty serious and things don't exactly go well all the time. You'll just have to read to find out exactly what that means
8125706 uh... what?
8127199 yeah I kinda almost died a little while ago
8904803
At least you recognize the problem areas, and have improved since you began, and that's why fimfiction is a great place to start as an author. You can get decent practice, feedback ranging from constructive to nasty, analytical critique from people who more or less know what they're talking about, and the chance to work with editors.
As for the maternal instinct, the implied incest here is really going to bother me, even more than just the fact I don't like same sex shipping. I don't like sexual themes in things I read or watch anyway (because I'm a prude), but at least in LAP's Hive, the changelings' sexuality is explained by their biology. Here, it's just disturbing.
As for the human/equestrian worldbuilding, maybe it'll just take a while to get used to...like the animation in the MLP movie. Don't like it now, but it might grow on me, who knows. I've told LAP that his Hive series could be its own work, removed from MLP. He'd just need to change some species, names, and references, but I think the worldbuilding he did could let that series stand alone outside of the MLP world it's based on.
As for editing, I would offer to help, but this is long already completed, and doesn't quite pique my interest enough to offer a back-editing like I did for LAP. And I won't offer corrections in comments because: they contribute nothing to discussion of the story as a whole, they don't help the author improve, and they come across as inconsiderate to the story, the author, and other readers... not to mention there are way too many to fit in one comment. See my profile page for my full thoughts on "correction" comments.
In my reviews, I try to be positive and constructive, not insulting the creator, but praising what is done well, and pointing out flaws and personal gripes in a way that helps to see those things elsewhere in your writing and address them as you see fit. Even if I don't like something, I'll try to say that inoffensively.
The fact that I'm offering a review at all says something about this fic. Usually I'll read a few chapters of something and drop it without offering anything to the author. But this, despite my gripes and complaints, is interesting enough for me to give it more than a few chapters. Maybe it's because of its close relation to LAP's Hive, but it's got me for now. Will return with more comments after I finish the book.
8904965
I rarely, if ever, go for incestuous things. I certainly wouldn't call it as much here. And if you aren't a fan of same sex pairings then you must really have to avoid the romance section on this site period then, and probably shouldn't wander my archive too much.
And while yes, his definitely can be a standalone, the entire concept is built up on assumed knowledge and context already put into place by both cannon and the fact that it's in equestria. Exponentially more work goes into doing something like that than you think, so yes making it a fanfiction is technically the easy way out. But it's also the only way we really get it seen, there's virtually nowhere to post standalone fiction that anyone actually gives a damn about short of making your own site and promoting it.
And 'changing species names and references' on their own would already be a colossal task, all of them is just not probable in any way. And, ultimately, would you have read it if it wasn't an MLP fanfiction?
8905193
Adoptive, step, half... rebirthed... any sexual relationship with a familial figure I would consider incest. The only reason I'm not as bothered by it by LAP's Hive as I normally would be is because it is challenged as incest in the book, and clearly explained as biologically natural--and in fact a reproductive imperative--to their species. And I do try to avoid romance stories, not just same sex content, but sexual content in general. But I'll indulge in a clean shipfic once in a while. I'm more of a SoarinDash, SweetieMash, and DisLestia shipper myself.
I know it would be an impossibly huge project to completely renovate that series into a non-pony standalone, but if it were done, I would proudly recommend it to all my non-brony friends. As it is, I can only share it with a half dozen or a dozen people. And you're right, I probably wouldn't have picked it up if it weren't a fimfic to begin with; I would have glanced over it as just as I would any other of the thousands of teen fantasy adventure books.
8905364
I wouldn't say anything in this one is overly sexual, or even particularly sexual at all. Mostly just innocent shipping. I do understand what you're saying, it just doesn't make sense to me that this irks you when it's minor at the very least and the one that's blatant and constant is ok because it explains it in depth. Romance never was the point of these fics, and it never really is, though in We Rise it becomes a little more pertinent but still not the focus of the story. It isn't even truly incestuous in this series, while a changeling is born with the genetic template and love signature of his queen they are not actually born of the queen. It'd be like distant cousins at the very most, but I digress.
8905408
I'm not saying it is, just saying what is there is making me uncomfortable, but so did the Hive series, only less so because it made sense within the worldbuilding. It's a personal dislike, not a critique of the book itself. If I were to give it a critique, it would be that it comes out of nowhere. Since when does "motherly concern" turn into "romantic attraction"? I'm not sure I would buy Stockholm or Florence Nightingale syndrome either.
But as I said, my dislike of it is a personal preference that you can't control. I'm sorry if I appeared to focus on it; I only meant it to be one small paragraph in the review, mentioning that it comes across as incest (seeing how one naturally assumes a changeling birthed into a hive would be considered a child of the queen), and that I don't like sexual themes in general.
Anyway... school, work, slow online strategy games, and reading fimfic do not mix well... I'm still on chapter 9.
8907613
that's unnecessarily rude, to both the author and the commentor.
8907659
It was tiring seeing 90% of the front page be cringy joke fics or pony smut, and since I quite enjoy reading romance it's very awkward to read when it's more than just innocent shipping. The site's gotten a lit better since then and I've expanded back outside of humanized once more, in both reading and writing. And again, it's not necessary to talk down on 'comment section editors'. It is actually helpful sometimes when they're polite about it because even after reading over it so many times I still miss things or forget to change them when I'm only reading it over in the doc and not the story page. I'd rather not have to start deleting your comments but I will if you continue.
Okay, actual comment on the epilogue, not just a main page response being tacked onto the epilogue.
So if I got this right, when the changelings are in their "normal" state, the more love they feed on, the more ravenous their hunger gets (kind of like how a drug addict needs more and more of a drug to get the same effect as it did the first time). That starvation grows until the combined hunger of the whole hive drives the queen mad. And the only way to save their species is to... feed on love? Isn't that what caused their hunger to get worse in the first place? Or is their degeneracy stage a kind of "detox" or "reset" of their dependence on love, such that even a little bit will bring them back to normal? If that's the case, it seems these cycles would happen every few years, not every few generations. Quite the difference.
All that to say, I think the worldbuilding needed a bit more thought put into it. You admitted you wrote this on the fly without much of a plan... and it shows. I understand that one of the best things to happen to an author is that they start writing, and at some point, they become merely a chronicler of what happened rather than an author deciding what happens. But that is different from writing on the fly. In the first situation, you've put so much effort into creating real characters and a coherent world that when you set events in motion, the story writes itself; in the second, you have a vague idea of what you want, and so you spit out chapter after chapter hoping for some semblance of a story.
Hopefully, you had a bit more of a plan going into book two than you did for this one. Let me clarify, seeing your recent responses, I do not mean this as an attack on you, these are just some things I really struggle to understand why they were done the way they were.
8907787
P.S. As for my snarky reply to the "comment section editor," I don't usually do that, and I'm sorry if it came across as offensive. I don't try to make cutting remarks, but they tend to be that way when I type less than a whole paragraph.
P.P.S As for what I said about you not watching the show anymore, that was supposed to be a taken-aback "wow," not an accusatory remark. Sorry if it came across that way. That's why my comments are rather long-winded compared to most people's comments, because I tend to come across as biting, or snippy, or caustic when I write shortly.
9341349
well I have read all the way and I have to say this story is pretty solid in my own thoughts.
9391577
Oh yeah.