• Member Since 4th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 10th, 2015

nice joe


T
Source

I’ve been to places most have never even seen, walked on the shoulders of the gods and yet, even with all the knowledge I’ve gained over the course of my adventures among the havens, when I met a horse on the moon, it became quite clear that there was a great deal about the universe that is still a mystery to me.

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 57 )

Im liking the start up here for the story. This has potential to be really good. Cant wait for the next chapter.:pinkiehappy:

Interesting start. Only issue I have are the grammar and spelling errors.

I recommend you get a proofreader. Other than that, solid story.

This story looks very good :) i will add it to my long watchlist :D

Also i will try and critique you in the comments as much as possible so you can improve :D

Good luck op you are doing good so far! :twilightsmile:

The other half was maintaining it, making reapers when needed and such. But it didn’t take NASA long to relies that the Key did not require an entire crew to function,

You... Spend more time on this story.... Now!!!

My first; don't plan on spending to much time on this story, but tell me what you think so far.

Would a like and a favorite change your mind? :fluttercry:

Seriously, this is good. I'd like to see where this goes.

I will see you in the feature page don't believe I know every prediction I made was right :eeyup:

3097424

Did you buy Pulsefire Ezreal?

3097545. Ya every league of legend champion and 75% of the skins y u ask?

while this chapter has more than its fair share of spelling and punctuation errors (are you typing this on a touchscreen?), the idea is interesting. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

Thank you all for the good comments, please contiune to call me on my mistakes so I can get better, I'm kinda new at this.

Got to say it...
"Ah, after 1,000 years I'm free. It's time to conquer Earth."

It's a fun concept. Like others said you might want to find a pre-reader to clean up the grammar but the idea is fun and the fic is off to a good start.

The other half was maintaining it, making reapers when needed and such.

I fully understand that this comes from the stupid auto-correct, but HOLY SH*T, the Reapers had already taken over NASA! :twilightoops:
Other than that, awesome job. Would love to see the story continue, seeing interactions between the two space-walker. :pinkiehappy:

moar moar did I say moar if not MOAR.

3098735 Alright. Not my place to correct grammar, as I frequently make grammatical mistakes, myself, but I can offer you some spelling changes. :twilightsmile:
"protocol says I’m over do" change that to overdue. :twilightoops: (That one sounds an awful lot like "tardy!")
It's not spelled "Cornel", but rather Colonel. Yes, weird word. :facehoof:
And I know that I said that it wasn't my place to correct grammar, but this section --

To sum up the operation, NASA decided that we’ve been looking through the same telescope for to long, and that its time for an upgrade. To build a bigger better telescope and move it further away from earth, a lot further. NASA decided to build a massive telescope on the moon.

--doesn't flow properly. I could offer you an alternative phrasing, if you so wish it, but I'd personally prefer this story to stay your own. :raritywink:

3100268
Well, like I said I'm not really the most experienced, but you guys giving advice and telling me how to improve is the best way I get better, so thanks agian and keep it up.

'over do' ought to be 'overdue'

oh yea space man to the rescue! :pinkiehappy:

the story is good, some things need to be more natural, like, how did the capt'n know that his weapon shorted out? did he look at it or was it an assumption? no flames or anything, i still like it and ill still read it. also, you spelled weak like week when the AI greets the captain.

Good! You have to continue this.
Can't wait for him and Luna to be reunited.

This is certainly interesting but I like him being with Luna much more than him being kicked around by NMM, even if there is more action.

Many spelling errors, ex:

launched out of the hanger

When I arrive in the hanger of the Athens

hangar as hang-e-r is the thing you hang your clothes on...

keeping that iconic look of the astronaut wile

while

Witch is exactly what

which

Many things that strikes me as... well stupid:

The brand new Space Station, complete with all the best toys, everything from artificial gravity, to multi purpose drop ships, to a fully equipped kitchen and a ship board A.I.

and you make a big hello of the trip to the moon...

But it didn’t take NASA long to realize that the Key did not require an entire crew to function, and with the motivation of money behind the wheel, the fourteen crew of the USS Athens was cut down to one. The others where re-assigned to another project.

No need to make NASA guys butt monkeys.
No sane space mission would be cut to ONE man. Three people minimum. Well with some remote controlled (humanlike) drone(s) you could make somewhat believable experimental two men + drones team...

a stray asteroid sent some debris scratching the surface of the panels, happens all the time

Try f*** unbelivable rare. Space =/= hollywoods rain of stone debris every 5 minutes.

bound for the light side of the moon, where the solar panels are stationed.

The day/night cycle on the moon is two weeks each.
There is no "light side" for all time solar panel to place on.
Panels beside the base, some genarator or closed loop with hydrogen fuell cells.
Also making power line around half of the moon is kind of insane.
Try: communication array on Earth-side.

using my educated scanners I found the damage and applied a super conductive electrical sealant and then repositioned the askew panel back towards the sun.

Bad techno bable. "super conductive electrical sealant" - so you use (made from unobtanium if it would superconduct in -150 to +150 C on the moon) conductor to make some dielectric fixes?

You are failing "Heisenberg compensators" lesson badly.

decided to go for a little walk seeing as how I have a few more hours of oxygen left anyway I figured, why not?

One man on the moon without backup, lets go for a trip into unknown!
Give him an idiot ball and Darwin award.

And here I have to say enough is enough.

Slight suggestion (More like slight joke), But will the space core from portal get any refrences?
Anyways,Love the story and the premise :pinkiehappy: ,Keep up the good work

~Ninjahzzzz

He should be listening to ride of the Valkyries on the way back through the atmosphere.

I like your opening premise... of an astronaut finding Luna in exile on the moon... and I'm really curious to see where it goes. That said, please try not to be offended by the following, which is mostly criticism.

The technical problems (grammar/spelling/typos/etc.) make it very difficult to read without major distraction and in some cases, even confusion about what is actually occurring. These seem to mostly fall under a few major categories.

First, you have a lot of cases of the wrong homonym being used. Ex. "Theirs" when you meant "There's" or "not of banished us" instead of "not have banished us" or "site" instead of "sight." These are not usually caught by a standard spell check, as they are still proper words, just wrongly used. As such, I often see such errors introduced by the use of automated spell checkers. This can be a tricky thing to correct without the manual effort of simply reading things through slowly and deliberately looking for such things. My main advice for how to improve this overall is to avoid quick/automated spell-checks. Set it to highlight misspelled words of course, but don't just pick the first option. Try to correct it yourself manually, or better yet, look up the word online and double-check your usage and spelling manually. This lets you properly learn words that tend to give you trouble, and ideally saves you editing time in the long run.

Secondly, you run sentences together that should be separate. Sometimes you use a semi-colon instead of a period, other times it's just a standard run-on with or without a comma. On the opposite end, you also leave sentence fragments standing alone a few times. If a section of text has its own subject noun and a verb, odds are it can stand alone.

Next up, there's a lot of general punctuation problems. This is hard to state in simple rules, because there's a rather large number of them and they all have exceptions. Mostly though, it's about comma use. Commas need to go where there will be even a slight pause in speech. It's not just about the pause though, but to avoid confusion as well. A couple of key rules are that you almost always need one before conjunctions (like "but", "and", "yet"), usually before or after addressing someone in a sentence ("Yes captain, I see what you mean"), and want to avoid overusing them where a period would do.

Similar, but easier to learn to fix... always end a sentence with a period (if it's not a question or exclamation.) You have quite a lot of dialog where each statement ends with only the closing quote mark. Those lines all need periods inside the quotations.

Lastly, there's a few cases where you slip into present tense. Ex: "I inputted the coordinates of where I got tossed around like a tennis ball. The ship departs the Athens inbound for the lunar surface."


Well, I hope I didn't scare you off with all the criticism. Don't let me (or anyone else) get to you though. The only real way to get better at writing is to just keep doing it, regardless of how it's received. I can say that, from the terminology and sentence structures you're attempting to use, it's clear that you know what you want to say. You just need some practice on actually doing it correctly is all.

3113252
I'd like to thank you for giving me some really good advice without being rude or anything in the sort, and in no way did I find anything that you posted offensive. Infact I read your comment with a smile, because you where able to tell me what I needed work on in a well mannered way. So thanks again for the kind criticism, it put me in a good mood.:twilightsmile:

Im REALLY picky when it comes to fan fics but this...I have no words for the epicness this could create! Don't stop writing this PLEASE! um...that is..uh if you don't mind...?

Walkin on da moon...

3114675 I think it's good to see that some people on the Internet can actually be civil with criticism, and that people can still accept criticism. Good on you for taking the criticism with a smile. :ajsmug: Not a lot of people do.

3133451 I could not agree more, and in truth it's the kind words that keep me going. don't get me wrong, I love it when someone likes the story enough to catch me on my mistakes and not be a dick about it, because they want to see me improve as much as I do. But the people who say the little things like: "love the story!" or "I see good things from this, keep up the good work." those comments tell me that theres a few readers that like it and think I'm doing an okay job, which is all I could ever ask for. So I say thank you to everyone, for giving my little story the time of day.
:pinkiesmile:

3141794 I believe it is a very good concept, and you're a good writer who does a good job. (Better than I could do, I think...) This story could REALLY go places with a little improvement. :twilightsheepish: As long as you're improving on your skills and doing the best you can, I see no problems with a few mistakes, though. However, if you don't have an editor or proofreader(s), they're a wonderful asset to have access to. :rainbowwild: Keep up the good work.

This chapter could really use more breaks in the paragraphs. The sheer size of it is rather unsavory to look at.

3233281 Good tip, I'll keep that in mind, thanks. :raritywink:

Another good chapter!

Indenting at every new paragraph would also make it more comfortable to read, and looks better overall.

edit: for clarity.

I'm here and waiting for an update. This story, although riddled with grammar issues, catches my attention. I have yet to read another story with a similar plotline in my time here, so naturally the idea intrigues me. Looking forward to more chapters, hopefully?:yay:

Keep it up, your readers are waiting!

Twilight Mother Fucking Sparkle...

Woohoo! More please!

This story here. I have all kinds of good things to say. Your main character is very well portrayed with lots of stuff going wrong while still allowing him to not be a total invalid despite his current situation, you have plenty of mystery as to what happened in the crash and what this shield he's trapped in is making me want to stab you until the next chapter is released (That's a good thing right?), and the technological advancements seem realistic and handy without being to OP. Grammar is my only complaint, but you know you're doing pretty well if that is all. If you need an editor I wouldn't mind lending a hand in that department.

Moar! Moar about space-man and his space horse! :pinkiecrazy:

Hmm, the only ponies that have the power or are likely to put him in a 'cage' like that would be Nightmare since she doesnt want him interfering or wants to keep him or later since she is intrigued by him, Luna since she may have found a friend in him in their brief time together or Celestia since she may want to obverse the Alien (to equestria at least) to identify it's reason for being there and whether or not it is friendly.

“Not right now, because my hard drive is running on only thirty percent power.”

mmgaming.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/The-fuck-is-all-of-this.jpg

If I was a smart ship designer that was trying to send a ship to a planet full of life I would have added some missiles for defense.

3777377 im guessing this artificial intelligence balances power for where its needed of whats in range of what power it has, basically this computer can run on a lower amount of power but less efficiently that way it survives getting damaged, which is important when you need it to survive and all :twistnerd:

When you were talking about the connection issue in the dude's suit you spelled 'sight', 'site'

4131078 ... God damnit. I guess I'll just have to cry in the corner for all time for my blatant failure as an editor. No It's only one that I missed so far I can handle this, but anywho thanks for pointing it out. Here's a mustache helpful citizen :moustache:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!