• Published 22nd Aug 2013
  • 2,447 Views, 81 Comments

Equestria vs. Japan: A Civ 5 Story - Bateman66

Under threat from a possible war between Princess Celestia of Equestria and Oda Nobunaga of Japan, William the First of the Dutch invites the bickering world leaders to a peace talk. Stupidity ensues.

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Chapter 2

William van Oranje sat in despair at his desk. His cozy blue cap had fallen from his head, his silken robes were wrinkled at every square, several of his golden vest’s buttons were undone, his short hair sat haggardly on his forehead, and the normally keen white eyes he prided himself on were a dark shade of bloodshot red.

A grimaced expression of agony was on his face as he supported his head with both his palms. If one had seen him from far away, they would have assumed he was crying. A near empty bottle of brandy sat at the end of his desk along with a stained drinking glass, sticky with drying alcohol in the bottom. To say that the man was an utter wreck would be a compliment on his part.

A mere five feet away from where he sat, the two leaders of the most powerful countries in the world, stood in perpetual argument with one another. They’d been going at it for a solid five hours with no end in clear sight. The words they howled at one another had far surpassed their meaning, to the point that their fruitless ‘debate’ was just distant noises that echoed through William’s ears.

Night had fallen onto the beautiful city of Amsterdam, and the gleaming starlight against the lazy waters of the multiple canals seemed to fill the surrounding environment with an amazing sense of peace and happiness, everywhere but William’s office, which could now be the possible flashpoint of a world war that he (so far) was failing to stop.

“And don’t get me started on you and trading! You never ever want to trade!” shouted Princess Celestia as she stood over William’s desk, not seeming to take notice he was even in the room.

“What do you mean by that!?” asked Oda Nobunaga with a growl, “You’ve never had anything I’ve wanted!”

“So now I’m poor!” snapped back the Princess. “Is that what you’re implying!?”

“Maybe I was!” retorted the daimyo. “Do you have a problem with that!?”

“Maybe I do! Do you have a problem with me getting more gold than you per turn?”

“Don’t even mention that! I’m building several banks at the time being, we’ll be at your economic level in just a few years!”

“I doubt that you’d ever even be able to get half of the gold that I have!”

“Oh, I will! Especially if I steal it!”

“Steal it? Your meek army would never get past my--”

“OK, SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!” roared William as he slammed his fists against the table, sending his glass and bottle flying off the table and bouncing against the carpet.

Oda and Celestia jumped at the sudden outburst. This kind of behavior was incredibly out of character for William’s reputation, and the fact that is was happening right now in front of them was even more of an oddity.

Arising from his chair, William hobbled around the business desk, his legs numb from sitting down for half the day. Propping himself weakly against the desk, he eyed the two ferociously with his reddened eyes. “We have…a lot to discuss”, he growled through his gritted white teeth.

Celestia and Oda meekly hung their heads in shame; their argument ending as quickly as it had started.

The Dutchman hobbled closer to them, shaking his finger wildly. “I expected better from the both you! I thought you two would be more devoted, more focused on peace rather than war. I thought you two could work together like adults and sort this thing out professionally.” He shook his head wearily, “It’s now apparent to me that’s not the case.”

He stepped a few feet closer to them. “You two are ready to plunge the world into chaos and disharmony, all for the sake of resolving some petty issues that seem completely meaningless in terms of the rest of the world’s problems. I honestly cannot believe it.”

“But William,” interrupted the Princess, “we were just going to--”

He held up his hand to silence her. “Please, let me finish. Everything we have ever worked for is about to be sent hurtling down the toilet, and blasted into the stinking piles of refuse so carefully placed inside the sewers of failure. This is something that we must all try to prevent, not only for the sake of the world, but in the sake of progress.”

“William” interrupted Oda, “you do not understand, what was really going--”

The Dutch monarch shook his head. “Mr. Nobunaga, please. But it will not just be the brutality of war to worry about, but the downward spiral of wartime economics that will plague the world for generations to come. Even with heightened spending on a war effort, the production of several other key resources, such as coal and iron, can be limited to simply mobilizing troops. With that happening, the very progress of cities would be halted to--”

“William, please” Celestia weakly interjected once more, “we have something important to say.”

“WHAT!?” he shouted with his fist balled and eyes looking even more fierce with anger and sleep deprivation.

Celestia and Oda looked sheepishly toward the floor. The daimyo fiddled with the many hanging swords on his armor, while the princess nervously rubbed her already gleaming golden crown. Both seemed reluctant to talk, but an impatient William tapped his foot expectedly against the carpeted floor, waiting for some kind of explanation.

Sighing sadly, the fearsome and noble ruler of Japan, slowly stepped forward to William. “We…were not planning on going to war…at all.”

William blinked once. “What?”

“We were not planning on ever going to war against one another”, said Celestia as she stepped forward to stand by Oda’s side.

William blinked again. “What?”

The two spoke in unison, both clearly getting annoyed. “We are not going to war against each other.”

William’s left eye began to twitch as his body began to spasm uncontrollably. A horrid expression was seared onto his face as he took in a massive breath of air. “WHHAAATTTTT!!??!!” he screamed as the foundation of his office shook violently. “YOU DID WHAT!!??”

The two glared at the exasperated William with a growing strength. “You heard what we said, William van Oranje” said Celestia with a noble retort, “We never intended to start a world conflict. If you believe this is so, then you are sadly mistaken.”

Grabbing two large tuffs of his hair, the Dutchman pulled insanely against both ends to contain the rushing stream of anger and surprise he felt. “B-But the arguments, and the threats, what was that about!?!”

Oda stepped a few paces closer to him. “All in good faith, a preparation or simulation of sorts. We would never be so harsh to another in complete sincerity. We were merely toying with each other."

"Yes" continued Celestia, "As Mr. Nobunaga just stated, this never was supposed to get out of hoof. Maybe a few battles here and there, but just to have a little fun. This game can get awfully boring after awhile, and I'm sure the other nations will understand."

William squealed in agony at this further knowledge and began to hop up and down repeatedly. Hyperventilating, he muttered several incoherent bits of babble to himself to try and calm down. Achieving none of this, he responded.

“So this was a game? A trick, a lie, a joke?! You never had a real intentions to start something serious, is that right? Am I getting the whole picture here?!?”

Celestia stepped a bit closer to him, now almost face to massive royal neck. “Yes, you are correct.”

Grumbling, he slid away from her eyes of content and went back over to his desk. “Well, since you two clearly have no idea the happenings of what’s going on in the modern world, and you two obviously need a visual exhibition to fully understand the scope of things, allow me to show you.”

Clicking a few buttons under his desk, the wall behind the massive oak table slid away to reveal a black screen about the size of a large poster. Tapping a few more hidden buttons, the screen blinked on and immediately showed an electronic map of the entire world.

Oda chuckled “William, you’re current model is a bit small. Perhaps you should invest in a larger one.”

“Shut up!” he barked, still adjusting the device. Certain parts of the landmasses on screen turned red, while others turned blue. Hitting one last button, he turned to Celestia and Oda.

“So, as you can see, the entire world has been divided into two different sectors, blue and red. The blue represents those backing the Equestrian Empire, where as red represents those backing the Japanese Empire.”

William tapped a few more buttons. Large black arrows appeared on the screen, converging towards the borders of red and blue countries.

“These black lines represent troop movements of the different factions. So, as you can see, mobilization is already taking place. Now, I’m not sure if any of you have been checking your messages recently because…” He clicked a few more buttons. “But several of these nations are very…eager to begin this conflict you two have led on to insight.”

“But how can that be!” shouted Oda Nobunaga, whose mask of cool and calm had been replaced with utter disbelief. “How could they not tell we were bluffing?! Surely they must have seen through our act.”

William shrugged. “Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. My personal opinion is that all of the nations participating are using this supposed conflict between you two, as an excuse to settle their own differences with lack of setbacks.”

“What do you mean?” asked Celestia, whose fear, was starting to match that of her Japanese counterpart.

William smiled at another opportunity to display his intelligence. “I’m glad you asked. If two countries went to war against one another, they would simply be alone in that fight and would have to rely solely on themselves to achieve victory. However, with more players in the situation, several new factors are added such as location and technological achievement, which wildly change the possibilities for each side. With this in mind, the diverse selection of countries for and against one another has created a scenario were both sides are very close to being evenly matched in everyway, making the possibility of victory applicable to either alliance.”

A few more commands were tapped into the screen and a digital image of a soldier appeared. “Now this is an average warrior for most of the warring countries. As you can see by the armor on his chest, Papal flag on his shoulder, and musket on his back, that this is most definitely a Papal soldier. It is worth noting that--”

The riveting speech was suddenly interrupted by a light beeping noise from the screen. The digital image of the musketman dissolved and was replaced by a blue message stating: incoming transmission. Before William could even comment on the matter, the message was accepted.

Two halves popped up on the screen. On the left half, was the star manned, bright eyed Princess of the Night, Luna. On the right, was the ginger bearded, armored Swede, Gustavus Adolphus. Both looked happily through the screen, not seeming to notice the two guests in the room. Still, that didn’t stop Oda and Celestia from quickly ducking under William’s desk in fear of being seen.


Gustavus looked around his screen for a moment, slightly confused. “William, your video feed appears to be out of commission. Is something wrong good friend?”

“No, nothing is wrong. My camera appears to be damaged, but nothing too pressing. Is there something you two wished to speak to me about?” William said calmly with his hands folded.


“We would still wish to urge you friend that you come to the noble and just side of the Celestial Alliance. It is never too late, William. With your support, we can end this conflict quicker than before. And besides, France is an evil and vile place, and it would be most helpful of you to assist us in its destruct—I mean, liberation.”

William shook his head slowly. “Sorry friends, the answer is still no. Now I must take my leave, something has come up.”

Luna and Gustavus looked angrily into the camera as he quickly shut it off. Taking a single breath, he looked at the cowering Celestia and Oda.

“Well, there it is. The end of the world is in twelve hours. You guys want to help me stop it?”