• Published 22nd Aug 2013
  • 2,445 Views, 81 Comments

Equestria vs. Japan: A Civ 5 Story - Bateman66



Under threat from a possible war between Princess Celestia of Equestria and Oda Nobunaga of Japan, William the First of the Dutch invites the bickering world leaders to a peace talk. Stupidity ensues.

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Chapter 1

William the First caressed his head in pain. It was only 10:15 in the morning and an awful headache was already coming on. Work had started early that day, so in suit, his bothers started early as well.

Much went on in his far spanning Dutch empire and there was never a moment that he found himself at peace. There always was a shortage of strategic resources or city-state relations to attend to or a war brewing between different leaders or his World Wonders being surpassed by another kingdom or him being behind in era advancement or one of his spy’s being killed or even the dreaded scenario of him running low on money. The world never slept and recently it seemed he never slept.

The current problem on the table was the increasing hostilities between the Japanese and Equestrian empires. What had started as an uneasy alliance between the seven world powers had quickly devolved into a hotbed of arguing and heavy handed threats.

Not a day passed without William receiving a call from both Princess Celestia and Oda Nobunaga about declaring war on the other. He being the wise and easily bothered ruler, almost always responded with the same remark to both of them: “Sorry, but this deal does not interest us.”

The problem was, several other leaders were actually starting to pick sides in this possible world conflict. The Incas and the Americans had joined up with Celestia, were as the French and the Papal States (he’s playing with mods) sided with Nobunaga. The scary part about the recent developments was that William, at some point or the other, would have to take a side in the war.

His normal stance of neutrality in such scenarios almost always worked in accordance to his relationships with the other world leaders. However, several of his formers friends had begun to dislike his middle stance on the matter and he was starting to receive some “encouraging” messages from his buddies to pick a side.

Now William had no particular like or dislike of Japan or Equestria. He saw their worldwide conflict as an obstacle to his eventual science victory (he was close to industrialization, just a few more turns!) But the fact of the matter was, the world war would most certainly drain each sides pockets and destabilize the political environment for several turns. No matter who won, he would have to invest in a bigger military to stave of any potential threat of counter-attack from one of the factions.

Deciding to have none of this, William had concocted a brilliant solution to the entire imminent war. He would invite Oda Nobunaga and Celestia to his fair city of Amsterdam to negotiate a peace between the nations. He felt confident in his speaking abilities and wide assortment of wealth to surely sway the bickering rulers into some semblance of order. He just knew he could do!

As he awaited the arrival of the leaders, he quickly spruced up his office in preparation for the peace talks. He placed files into their cabinets, straightened his baggy Renaissance era robes, and made sure he was holding his special red and yellow book at all times. Feeling prepared, he stared out his glass panned window as he awaited the tell tale notification from his secretary.

He was only fifteen minutes into his staring when his office phone rang. Hitting the speaker phone button, he cleared his throat. “Yes, Beatrice. What is it?” he asked, already knowing why she called.

“Ms. Celestia and Mr. Nobunaga are here to see you, sir.”

“Send them in Beatrice, I am ready.” He clicked the end call button before she could respond. Moving back over to the window, he wasn’t able to get another second of staring in before his front door opened.

“Celestia! Oda! What a pleasant surprise!” William greeted as he approached both them with a friendly smile. “I entrust the trip here was not too perilous?”

The Princess scowled and looked over at the shogun. “It would have been a lot more pleasant if this barbarian here didn’t carry all his savage swords with him.”

“How dare you!” shouted Oda. “These are priceless pieces of art from my nation! Much better then any “sculptor” of yours could ever muster out in that backwater hole you call Canterlot.”

“I’ve made better works of art in the Royal Lavatories.” Spat Celestia with a sneer.

Oda was about to explode in a retort when William gestured to both of them. “Gentleman and lady, please! We agreed to meet here to discuss peace, not chug quicker towards war. Come, take a seat and we can discuss harmony between our peoples.”

William motioned to the two large leather seats in front of his even larger and more leather seat behind his desk. Plopping himself down in his chair, he smiled and waited for the other rulers to take their seats.

“I am a magical princess” Declared the Princess. “I have much difficulty sitting in a human made chair.”

“And I!” beckoned Oda. “Would have to remove my many layers of armor coating to properly sit. Something I do not wish to do in the presence of enemies.” The shogun flashed a glare at Celestia.

“Oh Please chrome-dome! If I wanted to kill you I could have done it ages ago.”

“They why have you not!? Too weak of a leader I presume!”

“Guys, please, stop!” Shouted William behind his desk. “We’re not going to get anywhere with you two going at it like this.” Celestia and Oda both folded their arms/hoofs and looked down sulkingly.

“Now, I suggest that we review these recent events that led to this possible war between you two. By doing this we can find out who’s at fault and sort this out before anything gets out of hand. Ok?”

The two pouting leaders didn’t say anything. “Good!” exclaimed William. “Ok, why don’t we start with you, Oda? How did these recent hostilities first take hold?”

The shogun looked up at William, then glared once more at Celestia. Stepping a few feet forward, he towered over the seated William, his multiple swords hanging from all available parts of his body. “It all started some thirty turns ago, when I had developed chemistry. I was just converting several of my trebuchets to cannons in preparation for an invasion of the city-state Prague.”

“While converting, a rapidly used up a substantial amount of my gold on account of my large surplus of siege units. As my gold began to dwindle, I enlisted several of my workers to the edge of my empire to construct several trading posts on empty sets of land to acquire more gold. As this happened, a small invasion force of barbarian pikemen captured my workers and ran off.”

“Furious, I chased after them with a unit of lancers. Just as we were about to reach the barbarians, the tyrant here” Oda gestured to Celestia with disgust, “killed the barbarians and liberated my workers. She was given an in-game option to return the workers to their rightful owner, me. Instead, she declined the offer and sent me a personal message by envoy: “Finders keepers, loser’s weepers.””

Celestia exploded at this statement. “That wasn’t how it happened at all you cretin!” She trotted straight up to Oda and looked him square in the eye. “Interesting, how you didn’t happen to mention that those workers of yours were stolen off a city-state I was allies with!”

The two were about to exploded into another tangent of arguing when William raised his hand. “Alright, we have heard Oda’s side of the story. No how about you, Celestia? How did you see things?”

Celestia smiled and then turned to Oda. Her horn shimmering with magic, she quickly picked up the surprised samurai and chucked him across the room with the full force of her magic. Airborne for a moment, he smashed into one of the room’s bookshelves and fell to the ground moaning.

“Why in the blazes did you do that?” He weakly moaned in pain.

“Because I felt like it.” The Princess responded flatly. Turning her attention back to William, she smiled. “As you’ve probably guessed, there’s more to this story then meets the eye.”

“How so?”

“Well, as I mentioned I was allies with a city-state, Sydney, for a very long stretch of time. We had been strong trade partners from almost the very beginning of the Classical Age. Their imports of iron and horses insured stability in my nation during the wild times of ancient history.”

“However, I had begun to turn my attention towards building several world wonders to enhance the growth of my civilization with the helpful benefits they bring. I recall us building the Pyramids of Giza, Statue of Zeus, and Colossus in about twenty turns if I’m not mistaken.”

William slightly frowned. “Yeah…I remember.”

“Anyway! While my attention was focused on this, I failed to notice that Mr. Nobunaga’s forces had quickly surrounded, sacked, and stolen everything of value from Sydney. Before I could amount any kind of retaliation, the city was on fire and he was sailing away with all the captured workers.”

“It wasn’t too many turns later, that I randomly encountered the fleeing barbarians and quickly decimated them with my long swordsman. Realizing that the workers were formerly from Sydney, I gladly integrated them into my empire to serve a just and rightful cause. Therefore, I believe that it is the Japanese empire that is at fault.”

Celestia stamped her hoof against the floor and smiled smugly towards Oda who was still trying to get to his feet. Pulling himself up, he approached the Princess once more.

“Did you even ask if those workers wanted to be captured!?” Shouted Oda. “You call me a savage when you yourself perform the same actions I did!”

“They were going towards a good cause, anypony would know that!” Retorted Celestia, getting right in the shogun’s face. “And what about that time I offered you free gold and you declined, what was your reasoning there!?”

“I don’t accept handouts, they’re dishonorable…and make you feel guilty.”

“What are you talking about?!”

Oda straightened his stance. “I couldn’t give you anything in return. I’d feel like a moocher.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you really don’t want to feel like a moocher when in trade you ask for five iron and offer only thirty gold in return.”

“FOR THE LAST TIME, I HIT THE WRONG BUTTON!”

“NO YOU DID IT DELIBARTYLY! WASHINGTON SAID SO!”

“WASHINGTON IS A POOP FACE!”

“YOU’RE A POOP FACE!”

“NO, YOU’RE A POOP FACE!”

“YOU’RE A HORSE POOP FACE!”

William began to caress his head in pain once more as the two dimwits continued to argue back and forth. In the expanse of forty-five minutes, almost nothing had been accomplished. Sighing into his palms, he quickly glanced at the bottle of brandy he kept behind his desk. It was going to be a very long day.