But Twilight wasn’t the only one who would be meeting these Aliens. Fluttershy was just taking a stroll around her cottage when she was greeted by angel.
“What’s wrong angel?”
Angel began to make loud stomping noises with his feet.
“There’s a monster out there? Maybe we should stay here and not.....” Angel frowned and made more motions with his body.
“And some animals have gone missing? Okay now maybe we should see what’s wrong.” She said as she went with Angel to the everfree forest.
The first thing that Fluttershy realized was the distinct lack of animals at around this time of the day. Normally the Everfree forest was loud with the noises of the calls of animals, but today, it was silent.
Fluttershy continued walking feeling a bit uneasy, Angel felt the same way as he began to hug his owner in terms of distance. Fearfully watching the forest around them. Something caught his eye, and he let out a little scream.
When fluttershy saw it, she too thought she was going to be sick. The scorched remains of several bones and half-eaten animals all piled up in a giant mound of corpses.
Fluttershy’s mind began to race as she became increasingly afraid. What new apex predator has started to roam the everfree?
Her question was immediately answered when she saw a funny new animal. It stood on 2 legs and was standing by large fire ripping meat off of some wild bird's leg.
Fluttershy and Angel both began to watch this new creature in awe. It was very big, and definitely ate a lot judging from all the bones that were littered around it. From the looks it, it was a carnivore eating all the meat.
The space marine continued eating his food. Soon he was joined by a scout marine.
“Found some fruit from a farm or I think it's a farm. Looks awfully familiar strangely enough.” The scout said. “They had some ancient Terran fruit.”
“You weren’t see were you?
“Of course not.” The scout said reassuringly. “Captain Angelos would have my head if I was seen. Thule too.....”
“No. Just Thule now. A few natives got curious and decided to take a look around. The idea was to murder them and keep ourselves a secret until that Librarian got all panicky about psykers.” The marine said rolling his eyes. “So... instead they just dropped them and followed a few battle brothers to where they slew a mighty beast. I don’t think the natives will bother us too much. They’re too small to hurt us in any form.”
“You know, I once heard some of the space wolves say, it’s not the size of the wolf in a fight but the size the fight in a wolf.”
“Keep your proverbs to yourself.” The marine replied he then stopped as if to listen for something.
“One of the sergeants just voxed. Time to meet up with the others.” And with that, the two marines went to go meet up with their companions.
Fluttershy wanted to go home, as the large sizes and the carnivorous nature of the space marines did scare her, but angel persisted. So she got dragged by Angel to follow the space marines.
After a while of walking.... she saw it.
At the mouth of the cave was a baby Ursa or Ursa minor. It’s head had been crushed in by some very powerful object, and a large Ursa major was grieving over it’s loss.
“Oh....oh my......”
but that was just the beginning Fluttershy soon found many others....... a bear that had been stabbed to death, the grisly remains of several squirrels, and a manticore.... with it’s back broken..... the same manticore that Fluttershy had pulled a splinter out of.
Not able to take anymore of this Fluttershy ran home in sorrow.
Right as Fluttershy had gotten home, she was greeted by Twilight who told her that Princess Celestia need them urgently.
Twilight had originally planned on writing to Princess Celestia but unexpectedly, Princess Celestia had beaten her to the punch.In her letter, the Princess told Twilight that she needed to get her six friends to go and meet her in Canterlot. Shining armor, Luna and Cadence would also be there. Now they hurried quickly to Canterlot palace.
“Princess!” Twilight said as she entered the large doors into the palace. “We’re here!”
“Twilight! You’ve bought your friends! Listen it is of utmost urgency!”
“Does it have to do with those super scary aliens in the forest?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yes... it does....” Celestia said. “They are quite dangerous..... and I am not sure whether or not I understand this situation too well to be honest. Shining armor here will fill you in....”
The white unicorn nodded and stepped forward.
“Well, here’s the situation. Since yesterday after these aliens landed, we’ve been surveying the area. Scout teams have been sent out to check everything. From what we know, these aliens are omnivores with huge appetites as scouts said that they’ve found lots and lots of animal bones.” Shining armor took out a few photos to show the mares. “Just a few examples.”
“Now then, we’ve found this too.” He said taking a picture of a dreadnought. “This, whatever it is, broke a manticore’s back. I don’t know what else in this world has the strength to do this except maybe for a dragon of some sort.” Taking a moment to paused to remember something.
“Twilight do you remember where you defeated nightmare moon?” Shining asked.
“Yes, in the abandoned castle.” She replied.
“Well, the aliens have taken refuge there and turned it into a complete fortress. Our scouts say that the aliens are probably intending to stay here in Equestria.”
“Whoa whoa whoa!” Rainbow dash interrupted. “These.... things are staying here in Equestria?! I mean have you seen these guys? A single one of them killed an Ursa minor!”
“Then they are indeed something to fear.” Shining said. “I am going to send a scouting party to go check out the situation.”
“Listen... that is not a good idea....” Applejack said. “You have any idea...”
“Weeeee! Let’s throw these aliens a welcome-to-equestria-party!!”Pinkie pie said sending confetti everywhere.
“Pinkie.....” Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Mr. Shining armor do you have any more pictures?” Rarity asked.
“Oh yes.... I almost forgot.” The white unicorn said as he took out a picture showing a fully armored space marine. “This is what they look like. I’ve heard that this is just armor but most scouts haven’t seen a face yet.”
“We actually had!” Applejack said. “They are well.....”
Applejack began to give the description of the face of the space marine with Celestia, Luna, shining armor and whomever that didn’t see one listening intently.
“Well, lyra would never let any of us here the end of this.” Twilight muttered. “But Shining, are you sure sending ponies in is a good idea?”
“I am sending my best. No one would ever be able to catch them.”
“How many battle brothers did you count?” Gabriel asked Thule as he took a look around.
“183” He replied. “We should have at least 30 more.”
“Aye. And where did all our heavy equipment go? It’s not everyday someone loses a predator.”
“I think 2 thunderhawks were lost during our fall to orbit. Current location: Unknown.” Martellus said walking by.
“So we’re missing all our heavy firepower as well as thirty or so battle brothers?” Thule said. “This isn’t good.”
“If the Emperor is watching us, which I know he is.” Angelos began.”Then I know we will find our brothers.”
“Captain Thule, Captain Angelos!” Cyrus said walking in. “Our patrols have detected scouts from the native population. Orders?”
"Drive them off of here." Angelos said. "But don't kill any of them. If we are to get their aid in getting off this planet, then the least we can is not murder any of them."
"I still think we should slaughter them all and be done with it." A devastator sergeant said. Avitus.
"I agree." Thule chimed in. "But I think I will let Angelos handle this one."
"Well, these things must be huge!" Moonlight, one of the scouts said as she looked at the tracks.
"If that's the case, why haven't we found any?! They must all be scaredy-cats like Fluttershy or something." Rainbow Dash said.
Perfect timing. As right as she finished her sentence, a loud scream rang out from the bushes. It was several marines led by Angelos screaming war cries armed with various weaponry.
This was enough to cause most of the scouts to run away as fast their hooves could carry them. But Moonlight stood her ground and tried to do something...... this ended with her getting picked up by the neck gruffly and flung straight into the direction of ponyville.
"Moonlight!" Rainbow Dash screamed as she watched the pegasus being thrown high in the air and sent crashing down. "You monster!" She hissed at Angelos and proceeded to try and buck him in the face. This ended in absolute disaster as Angelos caught her and threw her into a far off direction as well. After a few seconds he stopped and sat down.
"Did that thing just speak low-Gothic?" Angelos asked shaking his head in disbelief.
"Sure did." Someone said. "Emperor knows what other surprises there are here."
"Think they'll be back?" Another space marine asked.
"Unless they have a deathwish I doubt it."
Moonlight found herself awake in the local ponyville hospital with most of his scouts. Most of them had suffered minor injuries but obviously uncomfortable.
“Well, those aliens really showed you who was boss.” The doctor said as he worked on Moonlight.
"Those aliens were big. Red too. And very fast. Oh, and thanks for leaving Rainbow Dash and I to a bunch of aliens!"
"Wait!" Someone said. "Where is Rainbow Dash?!"
Far out in the everfree forest. Rainbow’s unconscious form began to stir and groan. Painfully, she dragged herself up to a stream to get some water. She tried to fly, only to realize her wings were injured and flying was something that would have to wait. Taking a look around, she limped her way back to ponyville. Or at least where she thought ponyville was.
Meanwhile, Angelos was busying planning to find his brothers as he round up a team of those who were willing to help."
3090378 Oh trust me... I am going to get to that part.
I'm betting right now Rainbow finds something chaos related.
Right'O then! Overall, a cheery story with a solid feel to it. Not bad, however I would not call this a die-hard true-canon 40k crossover (funnily enough, like many other MLP/40k crossovers).
First; your marines seem to have quite simple dialogue and thought trails. The characters aren't really well fleshed out in the manner they speak in and the way they interact with one another. Why not try some brotherly fueds? Perhaps the situation they are in has taken a toll on some of the marines minds, leading them to act harshly or question the actions of their captains? Try and clash or mesh personalities in interesting and even explosive ways.
Second; slow down you writing. The story is going flat out and many details are being rushed over. It's very hard to put in too much detail, especially when it comes to 40k novels, so go mental when describing characters, actions, emotions and the chemistry that occurs in the story (both physical and psychological).
Third; the marines are not acting like true 40k marines, and perhaps for the better. True 40k marines, no matter what chapter, would have blown any and all alien intruders (like the pony scouts) to tiny technicolor giblets. Space marines are VERY mean in canon, as in they will tear any alien they see in half with their nipples. They have always fought aliens and their natural reaction upon seeing anything that isn't human is 'murder it with my face!'. This trait is touched upon with Cyrus, but not followed through, especially when the marines are ordered to only wound the pony scouting team. If you REALLY want to be true to 40k, they'd have killed the ponies and felt reeeeeeeaaaaal good about it after. However I have the feeling that (like myself and other 40k crossover writers) you want to develop an interaction between the ponies and astartes that transcends a simple bolt round. This is awesome, yet comes with the price that is that your fic could be interpreted as a slight alternate universe to 40k. Once again, absolutely fine, but just hoping you're not kidding yourself into thinking the marines would actually do this in 40k (Hell, just listen to Thules dialogue with Kais in Dark crusade. That Tau was being real reasonable, and still got a mouthful of RAEG!). Also, marines don't leave 'discarded bolter' lying around. Bolters are as precious to marines as their own eyes, and keep them safe and clean at all times (I withdraw this comment if this has something to do with the whole chaos plot point).
Fourth; slight bioligy burps. Space marines can indeed gain memories from the tissue (assuming blood also) of a creature, BUT DAMMIT NOT THAT MUCH XD. Perhaps consider giving Cyrus and Jonah a quick glimpse into Twilights recent past rather than the 'Guide to all Equestria' she has stored in her bloodstream. Just had a check on an Ursa Minors size as well, definately not what I'f call 'Titan-sized'. On all fours the thing is about the same size as a land raider, yet this makes it more believable when you consider a Librarian killed one by simply sneezing lightning at it. I wouldn't put 'finding food' as a big deal in the story, power armour has support systems that provide an astarte all the nutrients he requires for up to 50 days just by recycling his bodies waste ( Dey eet der own poop ).
Aside fro that, it's all good. This is, of course, your choice as to how you take this critique. You can take a few notes and tweak the details, or just ignore it. Either way, I'll at least keep an eye out for the next chapter.
3091028
Whoa there! A lot of criticism and I am going to say, give me some more! Alright time to reply to this all.
1. I've gotten a lot of this in the past from a hardcore friend. This is arguably one of things on top of my list I intend to change
2.Yeah. This is something else that's been an issue. Will probably fix.
3. Yeah I was aware of this after listening to Thule for a while. The only problem with having a "true" marine in any crossover would result in lot's and lot's of blood. I am gonna be honest, I am still somewhat rusty on lore due to the fact it's been a long time since I played both games. The bolter thing was really my crappy excuse of having to run into the CMC for a later event as well as an excuse to put a few of my favorite characters together in a huddle.
4. Yeah.... I really done-goofed on this one. I had looked at a few of the "Chapter schedules" and this time was to occur at roughly the mid-day meal of the space marine. In a sense, the 2 companies of blood ravens are essentially their own chapter until told otherwise. Now Jonah didn't kill the Ursa, just ended up hurting it. Gabriel kills it with his hammer by smashing it's skull in which will have later obvious consequences. Now the entire "Titan" thing was supposed to be an estimation. I had estimated the thing to be about ~25 meters when standing at full height, roughly equating it to the size of a scout class. This probably made no sense considering the Ursa 90% of the time walks on all-fours. I will probably try not to make any lore goofs but some times they're unavoidable when we got big guys with big guns on one end and friendly-liking-everything-ponies on the others.
3091121 It's all good, it's still a pretty fun story overall anyway.
Feels too happy and simple for it to be 40k. So many writers forget that the Imperium, in it's own way, is evil. The space marines are always cast in these fics as merciful, understanding, and reasonable people, when in reality, they're genocidal monsters. Remember in retribution when the blood ravens killed all of the mourning eldar on typhon? How about the Eldar blocking the exterminatus fleet? And DAVIAN THULE? Cooperating with aliens? You're talking about the leader of the Kronus purge, slaughterer of millions. Space marines shoot Xenos on sight, anything else is treason to them. This idea, by design, is also
...painfully overdone. Sorry, but it's true.
3091245
I could of sworn I addressed that just a few moments ago. Scroll down. But Davian didn't cooperate with anypony........ yet. The closest he's done to "cooperation" is not killing any of them.
But the angry marine that just wants to shoot stuff.... that will come up in the form of an old friend we all know and love.
3091322 But it's the fact that Davian will ever cooperate, which he never would. You said using "true marines" only leads to blood, violence, etc. so... What you're writing is not a 40k crossover, it's just some bastardized form of 40k, where the devotion and zealotry of the marines is nonexistent, and they're perfectly fine with abandoning their only purpose in life to settle down with a bunch of talking alien horses. And please, if you say you're going to respond to criticism, do respond to all of it, because ANY space marine, not just the angry marines would have Celestia's head on a pike before you could blink. And your use of "anypony" in conversation is making my cancer worse.
3091446
I used the word "Any pony" to be specific as we are well... dealing with ponies....
But you did bring up a fair point, the settling down in life thing... I am still conflicted on whether or not they stay trapped here or have a means of leaving for home later on....
I am going to agree with you on a lot these points actually, but I did address that if we had your average space marine, I might as well as be writing cupcakes with much more ponies and having the SM being the antagonists. IMO it would make a much more interesting story to have the space marines actually INTERACT with the mane 6 and their world rather than the "kill everything in sight"
This may tone things down from "KILL THEM ALL" to "STAY OFF MY LAWN" but it's just a sacrifice that's gotta be made.
3091538 When talking about uncomplicated plots, it's strange that you bring up the mane 6, seeing as they are incredibly dull characters when you look at their actual development or lack thereof. And how much interaction could the two groups really have? Sm land, ponies discover or are discovered by sm, sm interact peacefully somehow, ponies accept peace offerings, two groups share moderate tension until sm help ponies defeat some horrible threat, so that the ponies can preserve their dual matriarchy/weird religion based on lies. Followed by friendship and peace. In 40k. With the Imperium. And Thule specifically. It's just so boring.
3091612
Well, we only got three chapters. Most we have is
SM lands. Some ponies find SM. SM doesn't really want to be seen nor do the want much trouble for something they don't have knowledge about. Ponies get curious.... SM tells them to GTFO... but still get seen doing some stuff that ponies don't like seeing....e.g killing stuff..... ponies get really interested.... as does Celestia...... ponies decide to take a closer look.... SM drives them away while causing some problems..... and here we get the conflict.
I dunno where you got the "interact peacefully" part. There hasn't been a too violent interaction but "first contact" wasn't exactly too friendly. Lemee put it to you this way.... is getting thrown a few hundred yards something you want someone to do to you?
If you're opting to see actual killing, wait for it. All I've got to say.
3091665 You appear to have a lot to say... No e of which responds to the really important flaw in this story. The blood ravens, the very same blood ravens responsible for killing an entire planet, are totally cool with letting an alien race worship something so stupidly heretical. Honestly, it's really just the sun cults of Meso-America when you really analyze this. You also say that there won't only be violence from the space marines, and yet you say that the marines are being aggressive, please tell me whatever space marine aggression usually includes. And do you agree with me on the mane 6? Because you seem to have a way of answering roughly 40%of my criticisms.
3091665 Sounds like a very boring conflict when compared to the average 40k story.
funny how everyone keeps saying that the space marines would just kill all the ponies on sight but there have been situations where the space marines have worked together with aliens and i think being stranded on an alien world with no way to contact the imperium is one of them i mean sure 200 marines would do alot of damage but against an entire planet full of different alien species they would eventually be killed one by one not to mention they would run out of ammo pretty quickly
3092863
Suspended disbelief may be a good idea somewhere around here but More_Dakka does bring up a few fair points. But as I mentioned to Diomedes, both Lores are somewhat..... well... contradictory and would result in..... just another retelling of rainbow factory or cupcakes. Mainly due to the fact that the SM would slaughter anything that isn't homo sapien sapien.
3091807
Again, the stories is in it's infancy. But I am gonna admit, you do bring up a few fair points with the fact I ended up seriously screwing with SM lore.... but if I didn't do that well I might as well be re-writing "Rainbow Factory" or "Cupcakes" again.
My only 2 cents here is suspended disbelief is going to be your friend.
3092883 i remember reading a good 40k crossover on this site called courage honor and friendship i thought that did really good job at having the ponies and ultramarines team up while keeping the ultramarines in character for what you would expect from a space marine
3092924
I do believe I read many of those, and that was definitely one of the better ones. Hope this get's to that level.
why are they being wasteful of food? that not tactical if someone finds the bodies of the animals.
Now I have Boreale making his speech in my head thanks to that current location unkown sentence. :D