Feeling the Beats!

chavis54 #1 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

*jamaican mode ON
its nice mon
*jamaican mode OFF
anyways yeah nice
hell, even pony fluttershy over here likes it
dont you shy?
y-yes
HNNNNNGGG

jd896

jd896 #2 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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So I'm going to stop just before the "lemon" part here, as this is where the plot most likely ends.

Right now, I don't know what's worse. The poor setup for this story or the fact that you misspelled your own story title. The setup doesn't surprise me as I've read many mediocre fan fictions before, but misspelling your own title? That... I don't even know what to say! I've never seen anyone do that...!

Anyways, what I mainly noticed (besides the misspelled title ) is the sentence structure and the grammar. You use long, running-on sentences. It doesn't look good in the first place. Since you didn't use any commas either, it looks worse. Take this sentence you wrote for example:

"Every night the sounds of my sick beats as my hands manipulates the vinyl records that are my namesake and the roar of the crowd as I drop that beat making them wave and rave like that sends jolts of electricity coursing through me like a drug."

That's a little too long. Let's fix it!

"Every night, the sounds of my sick beats fill the room as my hands manipulate the vinyl records that are my namesake. The roar of the crowd is loud as I drop that beat, making them wave and rave, sending jolts of electricity coursing through me like a drug."

See? You need to space out your sentences and use commas where they are necessary. Not too many typos from what I read. Easily fixable!

And finally, the relationship. It just felt rushed between Fluttershy and Vinyl Scratch. Really rushed actually. Relationships should take time otherwise they just become a big bowl of lust, y'know?

Concluding, I didn't really like this, but that doesn't mean others will. Read some other stories (good ones! You don't want to read one with poor sentence structure or poor grammar! ) and maybe how those authors write will rub off on you. Good luck!

Now to read the ending, which I won't be commenting about...

jd896

jd896 #3 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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264771

...

chavis54

chavis54 #4 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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264817 HECK YES IT WORKED!!!
I made someone facepalm with a simple coment!!
chuck norris helped tho
mycitybynight.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/chuck_norris_approved.jpg

Frizzy

Frizzy #5 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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That was nice.

jd896

jd896 #6 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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264865

And I'm from the same species as you?

Tough economy...

chavis54

chavis54 #7 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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264886 YEAH IM MEXICAN!!
hazmeelchingadofavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/pacifico.jpg
aint that a hell of a way to drink beer without hands

jd896

jd896 #8 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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264895

I'm getting AIDS because of you. Stop before I decide to sue you.

Salnax

Salnax #9 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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Sorry, but I thought it could be better. The sentences ran on at points, the three month transition felt a bit awkward, and I couldn't find myself buying into the pairing. And I think the mid-story Author's Notes ruined the mood.
Sorry.

who149

who149 #10 · Feb 27th, 2012 · · ·

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Quiet a few grammar errors (not that i'm one to talk, but still). I have not the slightest Idea how to rate erotic parts or their general structure, so i'm gonna skip that and get down to some of the basic story stuff.

First, Try not to add so many author notes mid story, it takes the reader away from the fiction and reminds them that there reading fiction.

The starting out in a club was pretty typical for a Scratch story, but it generally works, and it did so here too, so no points lost for that.

You had a couple of threads that basically lead to nowhere. For example, you mentioned Octavia having a crush on Scratch, but that was resolved within a few sentences and was never brought up again. Rainbow Dash sort of fell out of the picture, though she was pretty much just there to give Fluttershy a reason to be there.

I will admit, the Lemon itself was sort of well written I think, I honestly do not know how to critique this part of the genre, and the fact this whole thing was pretty much a "Porn Plot".

That said, if you look at this from the angle of it being pretty much an excuse plot then it is a slightly decent excuse plot compared to some others. I did find slight enjoyment during the Lemon, but the story itself leaves a lot more to desire. Good for a first try though.

Jlargent