• Member Since 25th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Oct 21st, 2020



(League of Legends crossover)

Twilight has been having a rough time. New as a princess, she deals with the pro's, and of course, the cons.
Pro: She gets to meet lots of new ponies!
Con: She is away from here friends.
Pro: Lots of ponies care, and love her.
Con: Somethings want her dead, so that they can have her soul.
Pro: She always have somepony watching her.
Con: Sometimes, it's not a pony.

More tags will be added if needed. (Rating might change.)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 5 )

Good begin for à story

This is a pretty good way to open a story. It kept me reading, at least. :twilightsmile: Besides fixing the grammar and punctuation errors, one thing you should work on is showing instead of telling. If you don't know what that means, you should look it up. It's kinda important. I'll give you an example: Don't say Twilight's paranoid about what Luna's response will be, show me her ears drooping, her teeth chattering, her eyes glancing around the room, focusing on the darkest shadows and seeing tentacles and claws.

Besides that, here's a little tip for you: describe things from the perspective of the character.

Instead of saying:

Endless dark, pitch black, icy winds...

You want to say something more like:

Twilight's eyes were open but she couldn't see anything. It was all just... black. Pitch black. So dark that it felt oppressive... unnatural. Like a weight on her back. The air was cold and she shivered as icy winds ran through her fur.

Describing things this way draws the reader more into the character's perspective. It becomes something more than an environmental detail; it becomes something that affects the character. And it gives the details a lot more weight because of it.

Keep up the writing!

I'm guessing Lucien is going to help in the future...if not get urf too help.....


I need to do this at some point.

Thresh is nothing to laugh at.

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