• Member Since 23rd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Kippershy


Just a small town boy, living in a lonely world... took the midnight train going anywhere... WAIT. I DID WHAT?!

Sequels1

Comments ( 329 )

What Always said welcome aboard! :twilightsmile:

-Noakwolf

252642
252662

Thank you both ^_______^

Just to keep you informed; chapter two is currently in progress, as long as chapter 1, and is only somewhere around the half way mark.
Hopefully it wont be -too- long before I'm capable of releasing it for you.

and a big thank you for that sidestory group thing. I'm new to FIMFiction so it's a great help ^__________^

Wow. so many tracks.
It's a shame people are so willing to thumb down it so soon though =/ it's only chapter 1 and chapter 2 is currently in the works, and is hopefully going to impress with the intro to the real story being complete, as such.
but thank you everyone. It's nice to grab so much attention so quickly!

I've read your story, it's fine and good! But, your structure it's, well... Off it needs to be spaced a little more, and broken up, right now it looks like my story before I fixed it. Dialogue is good, and I like your protag I wouldn't mind being his friend in the wasteland, but seeing as you live in one section of the world and mine living in another means that won't happen. Plus I still need to help my protag's find their mom.

Because I have deemed your protag worth of this means I like him, he is good. In a way I think I like him a lot more because I can realate him to Neo (one of my protag's). Dispite the wing problem of course. But that is not important, what is, is that besides those small things and the occasional error it is a good story.

- Noakwolf, author of Fallout Equestria: Brotherhood, and THGLE.

254884

Thank you for the feedback! ^_______^ and I'm glad you like him.
Chapter two, which I'm currently writing, as in, this very second even, really concentrates on giving the reader a lot closer look at Crimson, the four ridge zone / the four villages that reside within its walls, and some other character development.
By the end of this coming chapter, he'll be prepared to enter [or just have entered] the wasteland proper.

Also; yeah, the trouble I'm having right now is I have no editor. I've had friends [Random Blank a month ago, and my best friend a few days ago] do grammar and inconsistency checks, but personally I never learnt proper paragraph indentation/spacing in school. or, not American standard anyway, being British.
It helps a lot actually getting constructive comments though. means I know where to focus on.


Hopefully once chapter 2 is complete & posted, people will appreciate chapter 1 having the whole intro to the beginning of the story complete.

And I'll have to take a look at your story when I can. it'll probably be Monday or Tuesday [Tues/Weds off work] but if things go well in future, who knows? it would always be awesome to do a chapter where my characters meet another stories characters.

:twilightsmile: that was excellent. An idyllic oasis in a hostile wasteland. Good setting and good characters. The only major problem was grammar.


Now, 253856 are you willing to let me use Four Villages Ridge and your heroes for a chapter of my story? I'll grant copyright to you, and others have already agreed to letting me use their content for references or non-canonical cameos. PM me with your answer please.

Sent a reply to you ^______^ and thank you.

I will definitely have to go through it again, check for grammar and such. Once I've posted up chapter 2 I'll be going through and refining those points.
I'll probably also post chapter 2 in an unbrushed version to begin with, purely because I want that to be released ASAP so the beginning of the story can truly be appreciated.

For those tracking me; I apologise for the notice you may/may not have gotten about a new chapter.
I was testing the capabilities of FIMficitons editing field in regards to google docs updates.

I will be [hopefully tonight] uploading a completely raw version of chapter 2 asap to redeem for the chapter 1, and wished to figure out how the system would handle me reimporting the google docs version.
[which it handles perfectly, it seems, and thus, I can beg forgiveness and edit it damn quick]


I just want to show the true value of this story. rather then the quite frankly, boring chapter 1.

It's an alright intro, I look forward to reading more of this. Stable 56 appears to take influence from Vaults 3, 13, and 15, if that was intentional or not I do not know. The structure needs a bit of work, but it is adequate. Good luck with this.

258637

Interesting response. Indeed, the Stable does take influence from 13 & 15, however, I had never really taken the time to investigate vault 3 properly; instead, I would always charge in headstrong and simply kill everyone and hope that Veronica wouldn't go suicidal and run off ahead of me, getting herself killed. [as she for some reason, tended to do with me whenever she saw fiends].

Agreed, structuring is my weakest point, I do believe. I just haven't had time to really get round to that with how I feel the need to release chapter 2 ASAP to make up for chapter 1.

[Though again, the structuring is going to be weak, I admit. Once It's been done with either chapter, I'll begin to learn how to do it myself.]

And so.. I find out just how useless the import from google docs feature is.
it'd cut 300 words from my story, which I had only been confirmed of now by a friend.

great -.- no wonder why the word count was lower, and no wonder why I had someone tell me it makes no sense.

I honestly love this story; I think it has a potential to be one of the greats in Fallout: Equestria ponyverse. I've been checking all day for chapter 2, can't wait!:pinkiehappy:

258968

-smiles really big- Thank you! <3
I'm close to finishing chapter two, and I have been trying to write, but I keep getting distractions right now.
mind you, I've got the last of the four village main matters out of the way and written now.
its just a bit of final leg work to go.

I understand; I used to write. I'd always spend forever trying to end it every time in a cliffhanger. I'll eventually write a large number of chapters, none ending in cliffhangers, then make the chapter right before the climax a cliffhanger...

259001
I could go for a cliffhanger every time, but personally, I'm just going to let it flow naturally, and sometimes its nice not to leave it on a cliffhanger. to leave it somewhere mellow, pick back up mellow and then thrust it back into the action.

258668
Vault 3 opened it's door after it suffered a water leak. It had no experiment, being a "control" vault, so nothing was constantly undermining the vault. After the citizens established trade, the Fiends attacked and killed everyone in the vault. It is similar to Stable 56 in that both trade(d) with surrounding communities until something went wrong.

259175
Yeah, read up on it after you mentioned it. In a way I suppose, it is unofficially influenced by it. but I had no idea and all that.
If I had known all this, it'd have been an influence proper, yes.

New chapter will either be out within the next hour, or some time after... 5pm GMT tomorrow.
Going to really push for it to be tonight, but like mentioned - it will be rough, unedited, unbrushed.

-edit: GOOD NEWS.
the chapter, after I pushed hard and ignored all possible distractions, is now in the final sequence.
I'll only be getting 6 hours sleep before work tomorrow, but hey, totally worth it!

Quick one:

If anyone finds any duplicate errors (example: the the), inconsistency errors, horrific grammar errors (not including structuring) or any other immediate problems, please feel free to inbox me with this information.
Like the title for the chapter says, it's currently unbrushed - I haven't actually gone through and edited any part of this excluding the scene where Cherry becomes traumatised for the short term, and even then it was only a case of adding four words and taking out two.

So yeah; if you find it and it's an eye-sore to you, let me know. Otherwise, I'll be taking my time to go through and clean it up as permitted.
I need some rest.

The next chapter has 10,000 words... my god. BETTER GET STARTED!

Nice chapter, even without brushing. No errors that were noticeable, and the chapter is easily understood. Speaking parts are a little rough, however.

Plenty of cuddling. Not a bad thing. I like Fallout Equestria stories partially for their emotional depth. I have a feeling the Glyph Turrets will come in handy sometime soon. Cherry being able to turn invisible is pretty interesting, and will likely be used to mess with Crimson sometimes, as well as being useful in combative situations. The arrangement of the caravans was interesting to me, dunno why. It makes me wonder why no Stable Security left with them.

I am not good at reviews, but splendid work so far.

262939

That was plenty fine. I don't need a detailed review, so much as a general idea of what you think of it and any things that strike you as something particularly interesting out of it all.
I like that you enjoy the cuddling, I felt with all the tail Crimson manages to get within these first two scenes, it'd make it seem like it's all he's about, which is completely untrue.
He's spoilt, sheltered and arrogant, but he too has a soft side and he's enjoying the time to just mellow out as much as they are, inside.
This was something I was trying to convey in this chapter, so it doesn't seem like he's a complete sex fiend or the like.


As for the lack of Stable security escorting the caravans - That's because it's the role of Tank to do this kind of job when it matters to the well-being of Four Ridges.
Independent contractors can hire Tank security for their caravans, but Tank citizens may decline as they wish.
The Stable however can tell them that this is their role, and if they wish to keep receiving their food supplies, they must continue with their tribute of defence & protection.

Angel pays with food production. Tank with personal & regional security. Gummy repairs and researches, Opal crafts items and trades (taxes on outer wastes trade).
All pay their tributes, all receive food &/or water, all trade between one another for extra resources.


I may very well have to clear this up in chapter 1 & 2 or write it into a future chapter.

but thank you for your thoughts and everything. also; I have a bad tendency to divulge too much information.. so... :ajsmug:

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Going on the fallout wiki to just find some trivial info, and found out that Stable 56 is already accounted for in a story I'd never heard of.
-facepalm-
I should've thought to check.

I'm now changing it over to 57.

sorry!

edit: and then by pure chance, I found 57 is taken.
-______-

It's now gone up to 58

No-one on wikia, here, EQD or google seems to have 58 as listed as being used, so I've listed on the wikia and emailed EQD about it, about to email fallout-equestria.com about it too.

Heheh. It's the wings, mares loooooove the wings.

Chapter 1 is currently in the process of being brushed up.
I know chapter 2 may seem like it requires it more with the title being [unbrushed] but chapter 1 was written back in January when I was completely far gone on pain medication after an operation.

The spacing issue was somewhat taken notice of while writing chapter 2, which is the biggest issue in chapter 1.
Once chapter 1 is completely brushed up, I'll change its title tag to [brushed] for 2 weeks, and I'll edit this post to notify the fact it has been done.

Chapter 2 is then next in que to be brushed, mostly for smaller errors, nothing major that I can think of off the top of my head.
(though if I remember correctly, there is the odd case of double words being notified to me in C2)


Chapter 3 is also in the works at the moment, coming in at 2,000 words currently. [teaser not withstanding]
It wont be until at least some time next week that I manage to release C3 however, due to the fact I want to try brush up these two chapters first while writing chapter 3, I'm also writing down more information on the over-all plot of my story, trying to figure out where to go from everywhere, when I can bring in certain characters, and how to visit certain locations.

In advance, I apologise for chapter 3.
Chapter 2 was filled with humour galore and intense bonding moments between you the reader/ Crimson, and Crimson/ Cherry.
Chapter 3 is going to be a lot slower, though there will be some action and I hope I still manage to keep the charm.
I just hope you don't find it boring, when I do manage to release it.

I'm so sorry for the rate in which I'm (not) brushing up these chapters =/
I'll quickly go through C2 and indent, I've just been completely unfocused and busy with RL stuff and my own [strike]loveinterest[/strike] best friend.

I promise I'll get this done tomorrow! After that, it'll be back to C3!

Chapter 1 is completely finished.
I've added the SPECIAL stats at the bottom, and made the following changes [and possibly more]:


Mostly its just the spacing/paragraphing that has been changed, to hopefully make it all neater/easier to read.
Though some lines of description/dialogue have been edited slightly, the meaning of everything remains the same.
Extra detail about Crimsons father added.
Extra detail about leaving the Stable added.
Crimsons nickname is no longer Dreadnaught [good reason for this]
Initial conversation with Cherry Sundae changed
Detail added in the morning scene of Cherry's house
Argument between Crimson and Mayor Sunburn changed up
Final scene/sign ups changed up.

There's probably more things that have been changed up, since I lost track of all the different edits I've made. But this is it now - Chapter 1 is officially brushed and complete.

I'll keep the [completely brushed] tag in for 2 weeks. So come the 16/03/12, I will be removing it just to say "Chapter 1 - Fear"

That looks much nicer! Not saying that it was bad from the start, but it looks a lot more cleaner now.

Nice SPECIAL, almost the opposite of what I always put, but that makes it all the more interesting! The tagging of Barter is also something I've never seen anyone do. I tag guns/small guns, lockpick and either medicine or speech.

284864
Thank you. :yay: I looked at it and knew I needed to clean it up, but didn't understand proper paragraphing and such. so you know what I did? I just taught myself double time. LOL
Seriously, it was one of the things they never really focused on back in school, so I never got the hang of it.
So I took a lot at Project Horizons & the original, and taught myself from their methods of writing.
Also, I decided each sentence could only have one comma before a full stop unless it made sense otherwise.

So to be told I hit target makes me happy and assures me I got it right.

290300
I know what you mean. when I'm usually playing a character on fallout games, barter doesn't bother me. normally its:
small guns (or big), science OR lickpick, then something like medicine - speech - explosives or sneak.
and usually, my specials are like, 7 or 8 strength & endurance, 9 or 10 intel (points when levelling up), and I let my luck be as low as needed.

but, I'm writing a story here - rather then playing a run through of FO3 (new vegas was okay, but not as good. but I just brought the ultimate edition for all the DLC, so I'm gonna see how the DLC changes things).
Which means that I have to make a more rounded, more interesting character.
Which I really hope I have, but I seem to have done it so I wont let myself worry.

Playing as Crimson W on NV right now, and it's an interesting character progression. not one I usually go down, but he's proving very interesting and this play through is definitely going to be something that helps guide me through the story in terms of progression. I like it.



On another note; would you like to see Cherry's specials at the bottom of chapter two? I'm thinking of adding all permanent characters specials at the bottom of which-ever chapter they officially join the gang in.
Obviously permanent doesn't = can't (or wont) die. that's always going to be an option - I wont write a Mary Sue, even if it's going to seem like it soon. (plans & all that).
What I mean is; the caravans Crimson goes out with - they're not followers of his group, but rather they're temporary guides/tagging along in numbers for safety, not a part of his party. and again, anyone who does join his party but only to get through a special area or a few chapters, with the express intention of leaving at a certain point. they wont get SPECIAL stats mentioned under my plan.

good idea or not wanted/needed?

Just had to make the hardest decision of my whole story just now - how much detail to add to the sex scene. LOL.
I don't want to make this a clop-fic by any means, but I felt maybe a tiny, tiny bit more detail wouldn't go amiss.
Spent about 10 minutes writing, rewriting and rewriting again some more onto the end of that.

Finally decided on the amount of detail I want to go into, and I -hope- its nothing too much/too graphic for any of you.
If anyone does have a problem with it - tell me. Though right now I'm going to keep it. Doesn't seem to be too much.

Dang 10k words, I will have to read laterz. :twilightsmile:

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I like to challenge myself, see a decent amount of content put into each and every chapter.
Once I've had something to eat; I'll finally be able to return the favour and continue with yours :yay:

An interesting thing about this chapter; it could've gone on to 15,000 words quite easily had I not cut some content which I had planned. However, with the last chapter having been released so long ago I simply felt that this needed to be out ASAP.
Interestingly in a way, I find that it helps that it cut here, because it adds a much more epic dynamic to it - ending with a bang (literally).

Don't worry though - the content I've cut isn't going to be thrown away by any means, I think it would probably work better probably in the next chapter then it would've this chapter, because like I say - epic ending with epic soundtrack to go along with it.
What this means is that I've got another epic ending for the next chapter if I just work it into that kind've format - which is far from a hard task to do with how general and broad the idea is.

Another thing to note is this chapter is 100% complete, with no apparent need for brushing.
Of course, I will look over it to make sure that if there's anything I've missed somehow - I will tackle the problem, but other then that, I've been formatting it as I go and doing my best to iron out any problems I notice.
Though as per usual - I don't have an editor because I'm too self sufficient, and thus if you find anything - let me know. I'm happy to hear and fix anything that doesn't work or isn't explained properly.

Hail to the Crimson Executioner! (Was it over-dramatic?) Anyway, it's good when we have MC with no remorse about wicked souls.
Nice chapter. BTW, music, is it yours? Really good, but...ether microphone too close or it's too loud, at some point there are too much noise.
Keep going, Kipp, keep going :moustache:

305919
The music was a recording from a friend done over vocaroo with my input on how it should sound.
I have pretty much no musical talent, though I am a keen listener [of course, aren't we all?] and with his knowledge and my inspiration, we made a song together.
So yeah, the recording could've been done a whole lot better if we had suitable hardware for it, but given the circumstances I think it went pretty well.

and YES! finally someone else understands my viewpoint and plight about all the god damn main characters who can't/wont execute.
I haven't read a lot of pink eyes, but puppy smiles is forgiven for being a little child, she has no place being an executioner and that's perfectly fine.
Littlepip wouldn't do it because of her nobility and greater cause, besides, she never truly runs into anyone horrible enough to do such an act.
Blackjack (Security) simply wont. she wants to save ponies, and refuses to play executioner.

Crimson? He's noble as fuck, but by god, sometimes, justice must be brought
"To punish the wicked. Be they the sons of men. Lords of heaven. Or the dregs of hell"
If you wanted to change, you would've done so a long time ago, rather then waiting for the day of justice.

Good chapter. I will criticize the battles though. Crimson's pistol does not seem to conform to what a .38 bullet would do. He is also very accurate compared to what I'd suspect of a buck fresh out of a pampered life. Nice inclusion of AJ's Rangers, bein' all good n' stuff. There is some missing punctuation, but it is readable. I actually liked an execution for a change, and a bit of connection between the two fics. Is 'ZARDOS' a reference to something? Interesting encounter, to say the least. Crimson reminds me of myself in a few ways, mostly differing in charisma and ease of relationship formation.

306322
Good criticism on the gun part - I honestly don't know much about guns and was basing this off fallout 3/new vegas.
Do you have any particular suggestions for what calibre would be more appropriate?

Zardoz is a film. The best I can do to show you is to give you this video, and tell you to make sure it skips to 50, 1:26 and then to 6:00


Crimson is... a part of myself in a lot of ways, like you he makes marefriends a lot easier, but that's because neither of us are the son of the leader of our community with one exceptionally unique trait about us, I presume? :derpytongue2:

306322
Oh, also, Crimson may have been pampered, but by no means was he naive to guns / gunplay.
I'm pretty sure I mention it in either chapter 1 or 2, but he trained alongside the ponies of Tank in general target practice, as well as getting some practice on the wolves before his big fight at the end.

The trouble is he seems accurate; but he has got SATS helping him out. I just don't feel the need to mention it every single time he has a fight otherwise every fightscene would be "I slipped into SATS, I slipped into SATS. I slipped into SATS"
that's something else that helps him out.

plus the fact that all his attacks are close range, he flies right up to the targets before firing. though I know this part isn't clear, again, its not something I much wanted to bog down the combat scenes with.

306369
.45 ACP/Auto would suit it more. it has more stopping power than most 9mm projectiles, aside from .357 Magnum, a primarily revolver cartridge. I am a gun nut, something I take pride in. :twistnerd:
A bit of extra detail could help, like mentioning that he used SATS a few times during an engagement, and that he flew/hovered very close to his targets.

You misunderstood. I cannot form new relationships at all without a common friend, much less be remotely interesting to my female peers. I have never had a girlfriend. I am not exactly sure why I relate to Crimson, I just... do.
My father owns a successful business, and i have a twin, do those count?

307106
Strangely, my original write up was that I gave him a .45 but decided it'd probably be too powerful a weapon.

however, since having played honest hearts DLC for new vegas, I've had a chance to experience a .45 auto
Seemed a pretty decent gun.
as for Crimsons gun skill; at the end of chapter two he has 38 guns, end of chapter three he has 41 guns.
end of chapter four I plan for him to reach 50 guns

My only worry is - is a 45. Auto too powerful for a starting weapon? admittedly, he's coming from a community which is well equipped, defended, completely capable of handling itself, it trades with settlements all over Equestria... but I did get the fun from a raider in chapter 1 after all.
I suppose with a rewrite I could have it that he sells the 9mm while he's at Opal, buying a 45.
Though at again... maybe its not too uncommon to see a 45. on certain raiders?
Hmmmm.

Give me your thoughts, I'll consider it all come tomorrow once I've had some sleep, see if I can decide the best course of action.



As for the rest; again, thank you for all this. not having an editor means that I literally don't have any of these remarks come towards me until it's released, so that's something I'll have to look at and explain in further detail once I've had some rest.
This is the kind've stuff I need - constructive criticism which gives me something I can actually work off, rather then just "It's shit, I don't like it."
Telling me what doesn't work, why it doesn't work, and what you don't get helps me grow. So thank you.


Lastly;
Could it be the sense of humour then? Again, Crimson carries my cheeky sense of humour, and gets away with it with a very boyish charm [just as I do]
Being the son of a successful businessman kind've counts I suppose. though not to the same extent, unless you're famous for it =P

307165
First off, how about Fallout's substantially longer 10mm(.40) cartridge? It is a good way to break even.

I'd never give criticism that was intentionally useless or hurtful. I am very glad I can help out.

Haha. I'm not famous for being my father's son, nor do I have a particularly active sense of humor. I like irony. I just have no idea how I relate to Crimson.:applejackconfused:

307293

Yes, that'd be a very easy change to make without massively effecting the whole story. I was worried you were going to say that a 9mm gun would do a lot more damage at first! :derpytongue2:
Changing it over to 10mm now and I'll be giving the fight scenes a little bit of an edit (noting SATS helps and how close he is) once I'm awake proper.

I know you wouldn't give any criticism to hurt me, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that, I was just saying in general - your posts are the standard an author would like whenever there's anything a reader doesn't agree with.


edit: changed it so that Crimsons gun is 10mm pistol, Cherry's SMG remains a 9mm - which means no interchanging the ammo, which is good.
the ending fight scene has been given a little more information like how the final kill (before execution) is via shotgun, how he could've touched them if he had tried, and between passes on the enemies, he had to wait for S.A.T.S to recharge.

308389
Good work. The details that have been included now have made the scene more understandable and fun to read.

Tea

Nice chapter, the true start of the journey. Great dissonance of alternating between lighthearted and the brutal realities of the wasteland.

General note: After starting another game of fallout 3 as Crimson, I've decided to switch over to the fallout 3 level up / skill system.
This hasn't changed the story dramatically, it simply means his [guns] skill is now [small guns], as is the same with Cherry Sundae.
Personally I feel this suits my characters and story better, as I never did much like the idea of [guns] being everything from a 32. pistol all the way up to a 5mm minigun/10mm SMMG - which have a completely different style of use, weight proportions and so on.

It also will play an essential role in the future, with another of my characters who I have planned. Though I wont reveal any exact details, the simple split between small guns & big guns makes a lot of sense for him.

It's also a lot easier for me to keep track of and develop, using the fallout 3 character creator/builder that is vault106.com
handy handy handy.


edit: also found an embarrassing over the limit S.P.E.C.I.A.L for Cherry. that's now been fixed [chapter 2 footnote]
On top of this, I've also added a personal level up & perk for Cherry, providing further explanation to her camouflage. [in the form of being a level 2 perk being unlocked]
Not that I really needed to explain, [or, no complaints so far] but I feel it helps build a level of depth to it.

323129
I honestly think that Cherry should have a lower Luck stat and a higher Charisma. Seems a bit too low for her interactions, to me. But, that is fairly subjective.

323515
I do get where you're coming from in a sense, but here's my reasoning:
You're basing this off her interactions with Crimson, correct?


Crimson has a high charisma, high luck, and unofficially has lady killer perk which allows him expanded dialogue options [that are successful] due to this high charisma/luck.
He knows all the right things to say, to do, and how to carry himself to get the attention he so desires - not to mention his wings.

Cherry has a higher then average luck stat, but a low charisma. however, she also has a very high (near perfect) perception. She's beautiful, but has no real charisma, she's never been very good with the bucks on any other level then "Hey, you real look nice, wanna fuck?"
She manages to win Crimson over by the fact she kills the raider trying to attack him, and uses her perception to notice that he's blown off course for a moment - vulnerable to even someone like her who wouldn't normally have much luck in attracting the attention she actually wants.

At the same time, Cherry and Crimson just click. Something about them both, between the two of them [and to me] clicks. He wants her, she wants him. They both got lucky - I mean, what were the chances there'd be a random raider stupid enough to try attack a pegasus who could simply fly down onto the other side of the wall? Yet it was that raider who brought them together.

Don't worry, she'll have time to show her lack of charisma around others. It's just Crimson only sees the best in her.

323574
Makes sense, yes. Indeed, in Fallout games, you can make checks that are either met by a Speech requirement, or a stat requirement, like Medicine or Guns, or even a SPECIAL stat. So you are using her Perception and Luck as basis for interactions, like using Guns skill to convince someone to help you fight, rather than just talking them into it with coercion.

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