Story Number One: The New Frontier

A long, long time ago, in an Equestria universe far away, there existed a giant finger who lived in the sky. This finger controlled the lives of all the Equestrian subjects and even Princess Celestia herself. It made all the decisions like making an apple farmer's younger sister sell books for profit.

One of the ponies it controlled was a lavender unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle loved books and always wondered why the finger always wanted her to sell cherries.

Just to prevent this story from having a stable plot, Twilight then said, "Oh well, I get to be with friends and find the Elements of Harmony anyway. If we stick together helping the town, we can defeat Nightmare Moon and return Princess Luna back to normal!"

One day, when Twilight Sparkle was going to run out of her literal literary Tree House Library Place, giant, orange, cheesy boulders of smelly food rained from the sky. All the townsponies were confused and some were a little frightened. As it was her duty as the Magical Future Alicorn Student of Friendship, the lavender unicorn went to the giant finger that was the Equestrian God; the giant finger was also everyone's friend because the creatures that spent time with the owner of the giant finger were not friends with the owner of the giant finger. But nobody cares.

Anyway, Sparklebutt went to the finger and questioned how to stop the showers of disgusting, processed food. "Mister Magic Fingerman in the Sky, I want to question you how to stop the showers of this disgusting, processed food!"

To which the finger replied, "Huh? I don't know. Is it orange?"

"Yes." The lavender unicorn replied.

"Oh, those are Cheetos. They're good for you." The finger's voice stated. If you listened intently, you'd notice that the annoying sounds the voice made were very nerdy. So nerdy, it makes that one lavender unicorn look like the most unnerdy thing alive.

"Roseluck ate one and instantly died of diabetes." Shimmerflanks deadpanned to the fingergod who you sincerely wished would stop talking.

Saddened, the nerdy owner of the finger started crying, thinking that the pony who's name is the time of day between night and day placed before a synonym for glitter was saying that his nonexistent friends were abandoning him, started crying. Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened and she instantly said something that I do not recall that magically made him feel better.

And everything was fine.

Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Ponies were running in the streets, screaming as their houses were being burned down by the armored soldiers. Because they are useless and can't do anything, the Equestrian Royal Guardstallions just sat at picnic tables under the burning oaks complaining about their horrible paychecks.

Miraculously, the Mane Sixes houses all magically seemed to be perfectly fine. Except Fluttershy. The Fire Nation needed some food before they attacked Ponyville.

So, the Mane Six, doing what any good cast of protagonists would do, came up with a plan to defeat the Melon Empire Soldiers. Twilight got her ~~pet~~ ~~slave~~ concu dragon friend/family member/adopted son/random kid off of the street and got him to use his magical dragon breath to power some machine the Mane Six somehow created out of thin air. Hooking up the machine to an electric outlet that doesn't exist in Equestria, electricity started to build up in the Tree House Library of Unknown Name.

~~"Tree-Houptimus Prime! I choose you!" Shouted the lavender unicorn in an overly epic fashion as Canterlot exploded in the background, somehow not injuring a single resident of the capitol city.~~

Tree-Houptimus Prime suddenly came to life he transformed from a giant tree to a giant pony. Looking around, he saw a group of Cantaloupe Marauders and smashed them with the giant tree trunk that was his left foreleg. With that accomplished, he saw Sugarcube Corner. The world's first combination of pony and treehouse ~~named Treehouse Pony, who dealt huge damage in battle~~ punched the shop/home and somehow managed to spark the giant confectionary shaped building.

"Raintobots, move out!" Roared the treepony, as a giant beam shot out of his mouth, hitting all of the Mane Six's houses.

Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, only Sugarbot and Tree-Houptimus Prime would actually be talked about.

So, with their goal not set in stone, the duo ran to the Everfree Forest, where every single brony would eventually end up and not be eaten by manticores because they evolved to a higher life form. There, they found a giant mountain that seemed convenient enough for a pointless plot-device. The two Raintobots galloped up the mountain, when the ground suddenly burst open, creating a giant dustcloud around the mountain. Because they were giant robots, they spun their robotic forelegs and cleared the dust. When the dust was gone, the Mane Six inside the house that was a tree that became a robotic tree all gasped dramatically. In front of them was an army of Rhyperior.

At the back was a Rhyperior that was super buff and had rockhard abs.

Get it?

I'll shut up…

Evil laughter rang out and Melon Lord Brozai appeared in a cloud of dust from behind the totally ripped Rhyperior. Our protagonists that are almost never mentioned at this point all realized that every single Rhyperior belonged to the Fire Nation because they didn't have enough money for Magmortars and Houndooms, despite Rhyperior being superior than everything not named Contrary Serperior, who is superior using not-inferior tactics against Rhyperior.

Soperior, Tree-Houptimus Primeperior and Sugarbotperior got in fighting stanceperiors and got ready to fightperior the Rhyperiors. Then, with a flash of golden light, Sonic the Hedgehog appeared and destroyed all the Rhyperiors using the Chaos Emeralds and ripping off Super Saiyans all around the galaxy.

Annoyed by his presence, Brozai just zapped him with lightning, causing his heart to explode.

Brozai then used his manliness and destroyed the two Raintobots, causing Rainbow Dash to grieve over their twenty percent cooler names. Twilight Sparkle then performed a Fusion with the other four ponies and harness their power to trigger the Avatar State. She then blasted Brozai by firing her lazar and saved Equestria.

The End.

Oh yeah, and Darkflame Shadowstalker Nightblade Demonsoul Hearteater, the Evil Lord of All Stalkers Who Are Terrible, got married to Twilight for living inside her bookcase and for being a Twilight Sparkle fanatic when he was a brony.

The real end.

Author's Note:

If you take ANY part of this seriously, something's gone horribly wrong.

454 views

Comments ( 26 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 26
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Dimentio

Dimentio #1 · Apr 15th, 2014 · · ·

I take this all seriously, it is obviously an accurate depiction of equestrian society

MoldyShishkabob

MoldyShishkabob #2 · Apr 24th, 2014 · · ·

4238809 I'm glad this is going so well with you! I plan on showing more of how accurately I can portray how Equestrian society truly functions. Because all those other people suck, especially the people who decide to show how both Equestrian and changeling society work.

And I found out that I apparently can only respond to comments from the chapters, not the story page itself.

Dimentio

Dimentio #3 · Apr 25th, 2014 · · ·

4284488 I never have liked most views on Equestrian society, this has become my new headcanon. Also, that's kinda odd.

MoldyShishkabob

MoldyShishkabob #4 · Apr 25th, 2014 · · ·

4286806 I think that my most hated view would be the one that these ponies go into heat. I feel that, even though normal horses do that, these ponies shouldn't because they're intelligent.
If ponies did that, then I guess I should start flinging my dung around. We are supposed to be evolved monkeys, right?

It really is strange. I have no clue why that why that is the case.

Dimentio

Dimentio #5 · Apr 25th, 2014 · · ·

4288061 Well, to some extent all mammals go into heat including humans to some extent it's just a biological trait more than standard instinct. I don't like the way people use the whole 'heat' deal, but it does have logic to it.

MoldyShishkabob

MoldyShishkabob #6 · Apr 25th, 2014 · · ·

4289470 True. I guess I just have a problem with how far they take the idea. Women can still think when they're at that point, unlike the ponies depicted in fanfics.

Dimentio

Dimentio #7 · Apr 26th, 2014 · · ·

4289838 I hate when people do that crap. Though I suppose ponies could have it worse than humans given the fact that it's annually rather than monthly. People do take it too far though.

MoldyShishkabob

MoldyShishkabob #8 · Apr 26th, 2014 · · ·

4290838 Indeed. I think it's just for the sake of making those kinds of fics, though. I have the same problem with wings being that type of sensitive.

Dimentio