In Which This Story Ends
A little later…
Prince Blueblood, encased in a full-body cast, hooked up to several beeping monitors and dozens of different bags of fluid and pumped so full of painkillers that he couldn’t remember what his extremities or tongue felt like, was feeling thoroughly sorry for himself, which was somewhat understandable given the day he’d had. Several ponies had already come in to visit him, most of them taking advantage of his current state to tell him how much they absolutely hated him without fear of retribution or to point and laugh or to write rude and derogatory statements and draw crude images all over his cast. When his Aunts and Uncle Discord barged into the hospital room, the latter carrying several balloons with ‘Get Well Soon,’ written on them, his already dismal mood sank even further, certain he was about to get another ‘Oh Blueblood’ and a lecture from Aunt Celestia about how she had such high hopes for him and just knew he could do better if he really tried and stopped being such a complete and utter disappointment and sorry excuse for an equine being. (Not that she’d say so in so many words, of course, but he was pretty sure it was implied.)
So imagine his surprise when Celestia, a smile as bright and beaming as the Sun she controlled, proclaimed, “I’m so proud of you, Blueblood!”
“Huh?” said Blueblood. Well, actually, his jaw was wired shut and his snout covered in plaster as well, but if he could have emitted anything other than an incoherent grunt, it would probably have been a ‘Huh?’
“I always knew you could do great things, but I never expected you to help thwart an alien invasion!” Celestia said excitedly.
“Actually, the reports from Rarity and the Doctor say that they did all the work while he ran around screaming his head off,” said Luna, who clearly didn’t want to be there.
“Yes, but he destroyed the Nestene Consciousness!” said Celestia.
“Completely by accident,” Luna said.
“Oh, hush Luna, he still destroyed it! And besides, my expectations for him have gotten so low at this point I’m willing to consider it a major triumph on his part,” Celestia whispered the last part so Blueblood hopefully wouldn’t hear it. Out loud, she said, “You’ll be happy to know I’ve already commissioned construction of a new stained glass window detailing your heroic actions!”
“It’s going to be put in a lavatory, since we don’t have room anywhere else at the moment,” Discord said. Luna kicked him.
The Princess of the Sun then leaned down and nuzzled her nephew affectionately, not that he could feel it through his cast.
“Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me, nephew! I think this could be the start of a new beginning for you! After you get out of that cast and receive your clean bill of health, we’ll hold an awards ceremony to commemorate your accidental heroism!”
“It’ll be very small, and nopony’s going to come because everypony hates you and knows this was a complete fluke and more qualified individuals did the real work and will be properly rewarded for it with their own ceremony and stained glass window that’s not going to be in a lavatory, so politically speaking it would be a terrible idea for Celestia to make a big deal out of yours since it’ll look like nepotism and she’d be ignoring the fact that the only reason you were there in the first place was, apparently, to throw a pie in Rarity’s face,” Discord said. Luna kicked him.
“Now, Discord, we both know that that was an Auton assassin,” Celestia said brightly, though of course both of them knew the opposite was the case. “And that Prince Blueblood was at Carousel Boutique requesting a dress for his wife—which, you’ll be happy to know, is coming along quite nicely—and even if he had tried to throw a pie at Rarity, which he didn’t,” Celestia said, glaring at Blueblood and causing him to gulp. “It’s not exactly a capital offense, last time I checked, otherwise you’d be back in stone.”
“…Fair point,” Discord admitted. “So you aren’t going to punish him for it at all?”
“How can I punish him for something he didn’t do?” Celestia said, her smile a little too wide. “And even if he did do it—which he didn’t—I’d say that being blown up along with an alien monster and certainly not getting beaten to a pulp by self-righteous Guards who felt they were doing their duty by attacking a monster threatening their Princess and her friends who, coincidentally, our dear Prince Blueblood may or may not have caused serious grief or psychological trauma to in the past, and being thrown—I’m sorry, tripped—into a very deep hole are punishment enough for one day, don’t you think? Not that he did anything worth being punished for, of course. Or that any of that happened to him, aside from the exploding alien part.”
Discord considered this for a moment, and then grinned craftily at Blueblood, who was sweating and trembling in his cast. “Well, when you put it that way…I suppose, if he had done something wrong, which he didn’t, this would probably be punishment enough for now.”
“I’m glad you see it my way,” Celestia said cheerfully. She turned back to Blueblood and kissed him on the brow. “Rest well, sweet prince. Once you’re all better we can talk about how you’ve turned over a new leaf and will take advantage of this new opportunity fate has offered you to become better than the pony you’ve been so far.” Her smile not changing in the slightest, she added, “And, of course, if you were to squander this opportunity and try to throw pies in pony’s faces again or give them dress orders intended to ruin their lives, I think you’ll find there are a lot worse fates one can suffer than being blown up along with an alien monster, not getting beaten to a pulp by self-righteous Guards who felt they were doing their duty by attacking a monster threatening their Princess and her friends who, coincidentally, you may or may not have caused serious grief or psychological trauma to in the past, and being thrown—I’m sorry, tripped—into a very deep hole. I have been extremely lenient with you for these last few years of your life, but even my patience has its limits, if you catch my drift.”
“I think she means that if you try to do something stupid and vengeful again, she’ll do something horrible to you,” Discord whispered extremely loudly into the terrified Blueblood’s ear as the prince’s heartbeat spiked on one of the monitors.
“That’s not what I said at all,” Celestia said, which was, strictly speaking, true, while at the same time was also a bald-faced lie.
“Just wanted him to get it into his head. He’s not good at subtlety,” Discord said.
“He has a point,” Luna said.
Celestia rolled her eyes and smiled beatifically at Blueblood, who was rather happy he had a catheter at that moment. “We’ll let you rest now. You’ve had a very long day. And remember, Blueblood, I am proud of you, and I love you. I always will.”
“Then again, she also loves Luna and myself, yet she booted Luna up to the Moon for a thousand years and turned me to stone,” Discord said nonchalantly. Luna kicked him.
The three immortals departed, leaving the balloons tied to one of the bedposts. Blueblood contemplated what had just happened. On the one hoof, he’d apparently gotten off scot-free from his attempt at revenge. On the other hoof, his Aunt would apparently not be so lenient if he tried again.
And on another hoof…Auntie said she was proud of him. And he’d actually done something for her to be proud of for a change, even if it was a complete accident. He felt something, deep inside him…
His stomach rumbled, and he realized it must have been hunger. After all, he hadn’t had anything to eat at all today, and he didn’t think these parental bags and IV feeds were cutting it. While he was lamenting his decision not to buy anything to eat while he had been in Ponyville—granted, he wasn’t sure he wanted any of their diseased peasant food in his mouth. They probably spat in it to give it flavor or something—one of the balloons swiveled around and sprouted a pair of black cartoony eyes and a snaggletoothed grin. “Hey, nephew, how you feeling?”
Blueblood screamed. Or rather, he would have, if his jaws weren’t wired shut, so he settled for a terrified grunt. The balloon chuckled as the other balloons swirled through the air and knotted together behind it, their shapes stretching and twisting outwards to create a form that looked vaguely like an inflatable version of Discord. “Awww, you didn’t like that trick?” Discord asked with a pout. “Funny, the other kids I visit at the hospital always get a kick out of it…anyway, I think we need to have a talk, you and I. Or rather, I’ll talk, and you’ll listen, since your mouth’s wired shut right now.”
The balloon Discord drifted across the bed and wrapped a latex arm around Blueblood’s shoulders. “Now, let’s see, how does this part go again? Oh, right…PRINCE BLUEBLOOD, YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR…for…uh…hmm. How many times have you failed now? Not just in this whole revenge thing, but life in general? Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin to count…oh well, the point is, you failed in our revenge scheme. Don’t worry, I’m not angry at you,” he said when he noticed Blueblood was sweating and his eyes were shaking with fear. “I never really thought you’d get it right anyway.”
“You didn’t?” Blueblood asked in surprise, or would have, if his jaw weren’t wired shut, so just made a muffled noise that was the equivalent.
“No, I didn’t,” said Discord, who naturally understood his grunts perfectly. “I mean, come on, seriously? You’re like the most unreliable pony in Equestria, as well as one of the stupidest. I mean, really? Throwing an apple pie? You plotted for years and that’s the best you could come up with? Geez. I’m ashamed to even be related to you. Even though I’m not, technically. Heck, I’m sure Celestia’s ashamed too, but she’s far too nice to say it to your face. I’m not, though, so I’ll say it again: I’m ashamed to even be related to you. You know, I like the sound of that! I’m ashamed to even be related to you. I’m ashamed to even be related to you. I’m ashamed to even be related to you. Hmm, I wonder if I can get a dance remix out of that…”
“But…but if you didn’t think I could do it, then why…” Blueblood said, or would have said, if his jaw weren’t oh you get the idea.
“Why would I send you out there with a scheme of my own if I never thought you could do it? Because I figured it would be hilarious seeing how badly you screwed it up. And I was right! It was hilarious! Ha, and even funnier because that wife of yours was there! I’m fairly sure you would have bucked it up anyway even if she hadn’t been there, but her presence absolutely ensured your failure in a comedically painful fashion! Wasn’t expecting the aliens, though, but that was a fun bonus,” Discord said. “By the way, did you know that Crackle’s not actually a princess, she’s just some dragon Celestia found rooting around her garbage? She just told everyone Crackle was a princess to try and liven up the castle a bit by watching all those stuck-up nobles fall over themselves trying to win that gasbag’s favor and see if they were smart enough to figure out they were being played. She certainly didn’t expect you to try marrying that thing. What was that about, anyway? Did you think you could become a shoe-in for King of the Dragons or something if you married her? Or did you actually fall in love with her? Eh, whatever, I’m pretty sure it’s too late for a divorce now, since you’d be humiliating yourself and Celestia if you admitted you married the dragon equivalent of a hillbilly.”
Blueblood’s eyes widened in horror. No! It couldn’t be! Crackle was a princess of dragons, she had to be!
Although…weren’t dragons notorious for being individualistic and anti-authority and there had not, in fact, even been a dragon nation for millennia until a few weeks ago, so there wasn’t anywhere Crackle could even have been princess of or a Dragon King for her to be the daughter of? How had he not noticed that?! (And for that matter, how had nopony else? The fact that few if any ponies had figured it out made Celestia feel like crying sometimes for the intellect of her citizens.)
“Anyway,” Discord said as he pulled away from the hospitalized Unicorn, ignoring Blueblood’s horrified realization that he’d been sleeping next to (and with) a dragon that was as common as common could be, and perhaps moreso, since most commoners weren’t born from blood siblings and first cousins breeding with each other for hundreds of thousands of years. “Even though I never actually expected you to win, I’m still going to punish you for failing, because that’s apparently the sort of things villains do to their minions, and I’m most definitely a villain and am not faking this whole Evil League of Evil thing just so I can have an excuse to toy with the lives of other villains for my own amusement while still being reformed. And your punishment shall be…”
Please be Trixie and Gilda making out, please be Trixie and Gilda making out, PLEASE BE TRIXIE AND GILDA MAKING OUT! Blueblood thought desperately.
“The absolute worst thing you can think of!” Discord crowed triumphantly.
“NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!” Blueblood screamed, or the equivalent thereof.
“Yes! Exactly that!” the chaos god cried, raising his inflatable paw, chaotic energy gathering in it. He hurled the multicolored ball of energy at the prone and helpless Blueblood…
Which turned into an apple pie and hit Blueblood in the face, splattering his body cast. “…Seriously? That’s the worst thing you can think of? Oh, Blueblood,” Discord said, shaking his head in disgust…and pausing when he noticed that the Prince appeared to have flatlined, if the long, drawn-out beep from the heart monitor was anything to go by. “Oh, come on, seriously? You have a heart attack from a pie to the face? You have some serious issues, stallion.” He rubbed his balloon hands together, static crackling between them. “Clear!” he shouted as he slammed them onto Blueblood’s chest.
The Prince jerked in his bed, and the beep on the monitor broke up, his heart beating again, albeit a little erratically. “There, my work here is done,” Discord said proudly. He paused, then took out a marker and drew a picture of a cross-eyed Blueblood with stink lines emanating from his drooping horn and his tongue sticking out, the words, ‘Durrrr, I are a doo-doo head’ written in a speech bubble next to it on the cast. “A true masterpiece, if I do say so myself,” Discord said, signing his drawing with ‘Discord wuz not heer,’ ate the marker, and promptly popped himself, shreds of latex wafting around the room. Blueblood was alone once more.
Some time later, Crackle wandered into the room and started eating the pie off of Blueblood’s face, and some of her husband’s face as well. The orderlies left her alone because conjugal visits were allowed, interpreting (or choosing to interpret) Blueblood’s muffled screams as cries of ecstasy for his beloved wife’s ministrations.
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Ah, another 31.2 kilowords for me to laugh with!
Better get reading …
3068293 Yeah, I probably should have posted it in chunks, huh?
3068303
usually how it goes yes, but its fine.
3068384 I was a little overeager. Ah well.
3068389 Eh, I plan on releasing anything I write all-in-one-go me-self.
3068588 I honestly didn't expect this story to be this long. Then again, I never expect it to be as long as it is. And I'm always wrong.
3068303 Well, seeing a 31k story in the "Newest Posted" section is what brought me here. So exotic you have to check it out... later... when it's not 1:43 am.
Hmmmm.
Yes, I do think I'm going to call it precisely what you noted.
/shrug
3070385 Huh?
3071132
Basically, I agree with your author notes at the end of chapter five^^
Addendum: and I mean on all accounts; you obviously had great fun writing it, and it definitely shows. It's certainly a good piece!
3071358 Oh, thanks.
3073489 I don't THINK Crackle is a guy...
3074812 ...My god, I never made the connection until now. No, she is not Dominic Deegan. I just thought it would be cool if both of her parents were badasses. I figured both of them must be pretty high up in the social standing--seeing as Twilight got into Celestia's School, Cadance babysat for them, Shining married Cadance and nobody thought anything of it--and decided, hey, Twilight had to get her super awesome magic from somewhere so made her mom the Archmage. I almost made her Celestia's daughter, but decided against it.
As for Twilight's dad, considering Shining's uncle was in the army, I figured, why not make Night Light a soldier too? But where Shining (and his uncle) have defensive powers, Night Light was better with a sword.
In my headcanon, they used to have a slap-kiss relationship, with Celestia subtly pushing the two of them together like the chessmaster she is. Eventually, during a big conflict, their feelings culminated when they worked together to slay a mighty Dark Dragon and saved the land. Night Light proposed by offering Velvet the dragon's head. She accepted, naturally.
3074843 I'm just happy you weren't referencing Dominic Deegan. I liked that comic, but speaking honestly it was shit. You're quite a lot funnier than Mookie ever thought about being, so I'm glad you're not stealing from him.
3074891 As am I, though I don't quite understand the hatedom for it.
3074895 The hatedom largely stems from that one comic where the... one orc... forgives the... other orc... for his hideous sexual assault. Kinda like how at least 15% of Buckley's hatedom comes from the miscarriage comic.
3074904 Ah. Wasn't that assault to save her life, though?
Buckley?
3074913 Yeah. The reasoning's just kinda stupid, the scenario didn't work and Mookie isn't talented enough to handle rape responsibly, nor ballsy enough to mock it. So it kinda blew. It didn't rustle my jimmies like it did other people, but I kinda hated that storyline too.
Tim Buckley. Ctrl+Alt+Del.
3074927 I see.
Is that a comic? What's it about?
3074935 It's a "gamer comic" that got started back when Penny Arcade was starting to get big. It dropped the Penny Arcade ripoff for poor drama to go along with it's pretty weak comedy. Also his art is terrible and he's shown no signs of improving his craft in years.
3074953 Ah. So not as good as Penny Arcade.
3074961 It's not fit to wipe Krahulic and Holkins' asses, no.
Hell, it's not fit to wipe mine. I have shockingly low standards so I read the thing far longer than I should have, but eventually he pissed even me off.
3074971 Then I'm glad you stopped.
3074979 I am perhaps invested in my escapist bullshit.
3074988 I know how you feel.
*hrm* Y'know, I've seen it a couple times. It's actually Majesty, not Magisty.
Sorry. I have to give this a thumbs down. I'll grant you that it did turn out to be more than just yet another Blueblood bashing fic...but pretty much most of chapters 3 and 4 were a drag to read. The Blueblood bashing, while terribly overdone, was at least done well enough to be entertaining to read at first. The second half of this story wasn't fun to read. The extended (and I do mean extended) fight/underground scenes just went on way too long.
This story has a random tag. And that's a good description. It is random. Silliness is to be expected. That's fine in small doses, but there can be too much of it. Imagine if you were to eat nothing but chocolate for a week. Even if you like chocolate, having so much of it and nothing else would rapidly become unpleasant. Maybe you'd enjoy the first few meals. By by day two or three your body would be so desperately craving rel nutrition that the chocolate would not be fun. Most of chapters 3 and 4 feel like that.
Then, you finish the whole thing with just yet more Blueblood bashing. And not even particularly clever bashing. Chapter 1 was clever. Chapter 5....you go too far. It's excessive retribution. You have the guy beaten up, in a full body cast, and even so people are still insulting and humiliating him. It's really not funny at this point. When somebody grabs an old lady's purse then smacks into a lightpole, we can appreciate the instant karma of that. What did Blueblood do do deserve the punishment you're inflicting on him? Basically, he's full of himself and he's insensitive. That's it. The retribution being given to him is so grossly disproportionate that it's not fun. Thief grabbing the purse smacking into lightpost, ok. But imagine if the thief were then paralyzed from the neck down, mistaken for a corpse and sent to an autopsy, and then cut apart while still alive, unable to scream? That's no longer "instant karma." That's Twilight Zone creepy This fic crosses that line. He's done nothing to justify the amount of punishment you're subjecting him to. You even make it extremely clear that he is a Harmless Villain. You make a point of having him be harmless with the recurring plotline about the apple pie. That's the extend of his villainy. All Blueblood is doing is Poking the Poodle, and you're making a point of making him seem "not that bad" which pushes him into Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain territory. Which reduces your entire 5th chapter to yet more dumping on the guy we already feel like he's suffered enough and deserves a break.
I think it would have made a much better ending if instead you'd turned him into a Accidental Hero. Imagine, for example, if everyone was losing badly, and Blueblood...figuring that since everyone was about to die that this was his last chance for revenge...pulled out his pie and threw it at Rarity. But missed and hit something that caused the tides to turn and everyone to be saved. Imagine his frustration on the eve of destruction that he never got to see Rarity humiliated, only to have the Nestene Consciousness defeated because of him, and everyone genuinely grateful and impressed and thanking him, and given an award for saving the people he wanted to see destroyed in front of an audience of thousands...meaning he could no longer speak out against them without diminishing his own undeserved victory in the eyes of others.
That would have made a much better ending than beating up and humiliating a pony in a full body cast in a hospital bed and expecting us to laugh at him.
3075457 Oh, I know the proper spelling. I was inspired to call her 'Magisty' partly because of Alexwarlorn's Pony POV series (which I despise) calling Princesses by their respective element. Like Luna's Her Nightjesty, Fluttershy was Her Kindnessty...so, Twilight is Her Magisty. As in, Magic.
3076197 No twist. Sorry.
3076463 I knew when I wrote this story not everyone would like it. I wrote it to have fun, and if you don't like it, that's okay.
You know, that DOES sound like a funny ending. However, I thought throwing Blueblood into the alien monster and causing it to blow up was too funny to pass up, so went with that instead.
3076587 No, Crackle is that daft...or IS she?
3076463 Additionally, if he DID save the day, even by accident, wouldn't that make him even more insufferable and full of himself?
3076926
> if he DID save the day, even by accident
> wouldn't that make him even more insufferable and full of himself?
Maybe, but why is that a problem? Wouldn't him going through all of that and nevertheless failing to learn anything from it be a lot funnier than bashing and humiliating a pony already in a body cast? This isn't a redemption fic. If he's still pompous at the end, that doesn't diminish from the story. It only justifies the existence of a sequel if you want one.
3076900 Odd.
3077040 How so?
3077013 Perhaps, but I didn't want to make him a Karma Houdini and have him basically be rewarded for setting out to do something evil. Yes, his plan was stupid. But he INTENDED to do worse if given the chance using the plan Discord gave him. Additionally, I'm not very fond of him.
However, you're right. This is not a Blueblood redemption story and I could easily have written it that way if I wanted. Certainly I sowed at least a few seeds to show he's at least partially aware nopony likes him and he's bitter about it.
And yes, I could have bashed him less. I actually wondered a couple of times if I was being too cruel, but my prereaders thought it was either just right or not cruel ENOUGH.
You make a lot of good points, and I'm grateful to you for taking the time to read this story and explain, succinctly, why you didn't like it. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I respect that. But ultimately, I wrote this story to entertain others and myself. If it's not to your liking, I'm sorry, but thanks for reading anyway. I appreciate good criticism.
Okay, now this fic could have (and has been) fairly accused as character-bashing, but I think (largely because I am a vindictive little sod at the best of times) it was both funny enough (and on a deserving enough target) that made it still funny.
(Unlike Spike in Spike's Destiny, Blueblood - or this universe's version thereof - made his own bed to lie in, and there's just enough hints that Blueblood could have been different if he could actually be bothered.)
Nicely done, look foward to the next one...
3077633 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
3084767 She was eating the plastic on BLUEBLOOD'S back
So, let's review:
Fancypants and Fleur are extra-classy versions of Scott Pilgrim and Ramona Flowers. Irrespectively.
The Doctor is the Doctor.
Derpy is an elite Pegasopolan berseker who can see through time.
Amethyst Star is what Rarity could be if she studied combat magic for about a decade.
Dinky is a level 99 Time Mage.
Rarity is generous with all things, especially whoopass.
Opalescence is a hellbeast with vorpal claws, just like in the show.
Crackle is best dragon.
You are quickly becoming one of my favorite authors on this site.
I am grateful for this story, and I look forward to more in the same continuity.
3085630 So very classy!
Doctor Who?
Pegasopolitan? Sadly, no. I considered a number of origins for Derpy, including her indeed being a soldier from the distant past, or a warrior princess from another planet, but instead decided that she's actually the daughter of Daring Do, who herself traveled with the Doctor in the past and is still around due to overexposure to tons of magical artifacts over the years. And her eyes are like that because she stared into the Time Vortex, and is clumsy because she sometimes has trouble telling the present from the other dimensions she's seeing.
Rarity WISHES she were Amethyst Star.
I love diabetes-inducing Dinky as much as the next brony, but I wanted to make my Dinky a badass. I think I succeeded.
Rarity is skilled in couch warfare.
Opalescence is a LITERAL hell beast. In my 'verse, she's the reincarnation of a legendary demon queen. Angel's her husband.
Spike is best dragon!...though I don't do a good job of showing it.
Thanks, I'm glad you like my stories. And don't worry, the next installment of the Evil League of Evil is in the works.
3112680 That it is.
3120744 NINJAS
>Blueblood uses rarity as a shield
>worst than Hitler
>Gilda commits crimes in canon
>she is just misunderstood
I swear this fandom is sexist
3166138 Actually, I don't like Gilda much either. Otherwise you're absolutely right.
3511085 What do you want to see?
3511163 Huh?
3587764 Correct.
3751800 I have considered it, actually.
5179021 Isn't it wonderful?