• Member Since 7th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen January 6th


Comments ( 19 )

Great start. Especially with just one typo that I found.

“What do you want Rivet? I already gave you your precious time off, can’t I just work in piece?” DeadBolt said, annoyed.
You got piece when you meant peace.


Thank you. Also thank you for pointing that out.

You're keeping me interested. Awesome stuff. A few hiccups though.

“I'm really worried about Rose. She hasn’t said a word sense we got out of the Stable.” Actually she had barely made any noise at all. Its like she was a ghost just gliding along with us.
You mean since not sense.

“So Rivet, hows that leg of yours? It feeling better?” Daisy asked. It actually was feeling a lot better than it had last night. The burning had gone away, it hurt slightly when I walked but It wasn’t any cause for alarm.
No reason to capitalize that it.

“Yeah, its fine now.” I was starting to get annoyed by everypony asking me if I was alright.
It's not its.

Deadbolt and I looked at eachother, then back to the strange food. Tentatively I took a small bite. Surprisingly enough, it actually wasn’t that bad. It was certainly a drastic change from having eaten almost nothing but apples my entire life.
Eachother is two separate words.

That’s because there aren’t any pegasi Marefield.” Daisy explained.
That’s because there aren’t any pegasi in Marefield.

One of the robot leaned forward and whispered something to their leader. He glanced up at us, then back at Steadfast. “Fine, we’ll be on our way. But be sure that Mr. Avarice will hear about this transgression.” The pegasus turn and started to walk away. His two goons sat for a few seconds starting up at us before following.
Darn auto finger typos. Staring fits better than starting.

Awesome story to be sure.


Well then, I guess I should thank you again for the help. I'll have to go back through and fix those.

Awesome stuff... Keep it going!

Daisy just eyed me angrily.
This isn't a typo. Just a comment. This seems very verbose when "Daisy just glared." might work better.

“Come on Steadfast, what's bothering you? maybe we can help.” Rose asked him.
That is surprising the m didn't get capitalized.

We all threw the rest of our food and water back into our backs and headed out. I looked up at the darkening clouds. We’ve been out of the Stable for almost five days and looking up at the sky still gave me vertigo. I pulled my eyes off the cloud layer and shook my head. “I hope it doesn’t storm.”
Packs sound better.

Rose grabbed all of the healing potions that hadn’t been broken open (there was five total) along with some healing bandages and some of the clothes. Deadbolt grabbed some of the bottles of water and whatever food that didn’t appear to be rotten. I broke open another one of the crates and found some new weapons. A shotgun, but it was different than the ones I had seen so far. It had too short barrels that each only held one shot. Another pistol, again the same model as mine, it was apparently a common piece, and a large battle saddle similar to the one that Steadfast had strapped to him. I didn’t know how to work it, and it would have been too heavy to carry with us, so I left it. I topped off with some ammo for each of our weapons, including some shells for my new shotgun.
Two not too.

Yeah that was a bit of an accident and a bit of ignorance of how the site works on my part. Also plenty of panic.


“You're not half bad at this.” the grey pony said, watching me tear apart the pistols and reassemble them with my magic. It was a tedious process. I would examine each piece before deciding on which was better. One would might be slightly rustier than the other or look more worn and used.
First, losing the highlighted would makes the sentence sound better.
Second just worn sounds better than worn and used. In my opinion.

“Hmm, that could be kinda useful out here. Oh! almost forgot.” He grabbed his saddle bag and started rifling through it. “A little gift, figured you might need it” He laid out three pairs of rough, brown clothing. “Leather, its not the best, but it’ll protect you a bit more than that stable barding. Found it on the caravan when we went back to clear out those nasties in the cave.”
The a in almost should be capitalized.
Leather. It is not the best, but it'll protect you more than that stable barding. That sounds better.

The guard shrugged. “Alright, if you think you can handle yourselves i'm not gonna try and stop you. But Daisy will, and you know it.”
I'm, not i'm.

He leaned back again. “Theres a trader settlement up in Trottingham, you should make a stop there while you're in the city. Its called Junction 26. Its a bit farther into the City than the Stable-Tech building, just follow the main road and you can’t miss it.”
Punctuation on the theres and its highlighted. It should be there's and it's

“Are you sure theres nothing I can do to convince you to stay?” The yellow pony asked as we approached the gates.
There's instead of theres. You've seen this before

Its nothing, lets get going.”
Another its instead of it's.

I shot him a confused look, but he didn’t bother to look back at me. Instead he took my silence as a hint to continue. “We haven't seen or heard anything from the organization in almost a week. I wonder what they’re up to. If they do show up again, we’re not equipped to handle those suits.”
The organization you refer to should be capitalized.

Deadbolt sighed. “Why? Its just an old building. We need to keep moving.”
Another its/it's

“Engineering log, Chief Engineer Ratchet reporting. Due to recent cutbacks I had to let go half of the maintenance staff. I don’t see why we don’t get rid of some of the paper pushers, we’re the ones who actually make the money here. In addition to that, one of the Gutzy bots had a bit of an incident. It went crazy and buzz sawed the main conveyor belt, thankfully we shut it down before it had a chance to actually hurt anyone. Now corporate wants us to run diagnostics on all of the robots, which means I just lost my weekend We’ll also have to replace the belt before we can start production back up.”
First, you have a double space between Engineer and Ratchet.
Second You need a period between weekend and We'll
Third, I think We instead of We'll will work better there.

You've been missing punctuation and capitalization in several places. Too many to highlight individually. However, I will say that the mistakes are repeated. You find one highlighted, it is a good chance you might see it again.

The story is going strong! Keep up the good work!

I can tell they are going to free those slaves. Good chapter again :yay:

New chapter so soon? :pinkiegasp: A good one, keep it up. :twilightsmile:

I know, I am very slow to update. I've been trying to find more time to write but school is getting in the way of that.

Well at least they have the smarts to not attack them in town, good chapter again :twilightsmile:

Fuck... Well, okay, good chapter! What you did here.. it's cheap. "Hey, author add some unexpected character.. I have feeling he will kil.. oh, yes I was right." Problem is there should be character's development. I know what Cure is good pony.. and this is all.. Here should be character's development. Then reader will care about, and this will be drama. And may hurt readers, yes. :twilightsheepish: But this is all about balance between. "Oh, she killed.. okay" and "OMG noooo.... I not read it anymore.. fuck it!" This is reason. why in most popular fics characters dying only after development.
You made it here really... in most predictable way possible. :rainbowlaugh: Less than 5600 words to introduce and kill minor character... Are you in a hurry? :rainbowlaugh:
Write more. :twilightsmile:


Yes it's cheap and yes it's poorly done. Looking back I really don't like it either. And I get that it was a joke about being in a hurry but kinda... I mean I go a month between updates and when I do their still under 7k words. Excuses I know but I'm still new to writing and finding time is hard.

Good chapter! Bla bla. :pinkiehappy:
Ofcoooooorseee Rivet is 'I can't break my word' or 'always do better' type. Ofcourse he will spare Bronze. That's why I love FoE scene where LP shoots Calamity's brother.
Keep writting this shit. :twilightsmile:

Same here. I had a bad vibe the moment the doc insisted on bringing her. Aside from being cliche and unnecessarily cruel (did you have to give the poor pony a name, really?!), the doctor here is clearly a prime example of stupid. Didn't he realize that Apostace and his gang would love to take out the three of them (main character and others), and that the Wastelend is pretty dangerous, period?

I'd say, do the reader a kindness and either leave the pony unnamed or don't kill her off like that, but then that is your call.


The way I expect the author's thinking goes: "Hmm, this story is a bit boring. Surely it needs some feelz! What should I do... *create new character* There we go, somepony of marginal importance. Now, to make something bad to happen to them. :{ *lightbulb* A buzzsaw to the head, that's just what I was looking for. *merciless murder of helpless character* Perfect, now my story has much more feeling!"

^ Obviously I hate characters dying, but still...

Hmm... Nice ch.dev chapta. :twilightsmile:
I really late in reading stories nowdays it seems. :twilightblush:
Keep writting this :pinkiehappy:

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