• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen May 27th

Rumble


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Sequels1

E

Spitfire has everything she wants in life, like good skills and a good job. However, no pony knows about Spitfire's past.

After spending a day with her good friend Rainbow Dash and her surrogate sister Scootaloo, Spitfire finds herself getting attached to the little orange Pegasus. When Scootaloo reveals the truth about her being an orphan, how far will the Wonderbolt captain go to make sure the little filly has a childhood she could only dream of?


Editing: Enderstorm & Macho Madness
Cover art on Chapter 10: Liquid Flames

Chapters (16)
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Comments ( 668 )

Not nearly enough stories about Spitfire out there. And it's just icing on the cake that it's a Scootadoption story too. I can't wait to give this a read.

3056647 well i really hope you like how it starts off, i don't want to go into the adoption too soon and need to give spitfire a good reason to adopt Scootaloo. i will update this story very quickly though and i'm already close to finishing the second chapterm

@blueball-blitz...

You have a solid story-premise, and an interesting angle on the "Scootaloo adoption" angle.

However, you have many, many typo and spelling errors in your story, glaringly so. Either you need to do a thorough sweep yourself, or find yourself and editor &/or proofreader(s), or both. I advise the "both" route.

Also as some writing advice, you are correct in taking it slow for working towards Spitfire taking in Scootaloo and then adopting her; bonding and adopting should be a gradual process rather than an instant wish-granting, for readers' emotional investment in the story.

For now, I reserve my final Like or Dislike judgement. For while I like your story-premise, you need some serious technical writing clean-up & repair.

3056935 thankyou very much for your feedback, I have someone who is willing to proofread for me but is currently offline and so I will have to wait till tomorrow to fix it , but thanks for reading and I hope liked the story besides the typos :derpytongue2:

Spitfire, and Scootadoption?

You have no idea how much I love you. You took my two favorite things and made them one.

Can't wait to see more of this, though I can see the sky darkening with the approaching feels...
Great story, but....

Spitfire hated every Minuit of it.

minute

maned Pegasus, so spitfire, speak with spitfire

cap Names and de-cap Pegasus, yeah I know it probably auto caps

give Fluttershy's a run for her money

a run for it's money, we're talking about Fluttershy's stare, not Fluttershy herself

thumbed and faved:pinkiehappy:

I think I'll be echoing what's been said already: although this story needs a good deal of technical polishing, it's a great premise, and I'd like to read more of it. It's quite the original concept, and I'm confident from what you've written that you can pace it well.

I love all things Scootadoption, but everyone is right. This is rather rough.

I could go over this for you if you would let me. I need the practice editing and proofreading anyway.

3057602 phew sorry i didn't get to your comment earlier... i was sleeping :rainbowwild:
but thanks for the feedback i will get on those faults right away !

3059121
that would be great if you could do that for me:pinkiehappy:
i have got someone else already but i think the more people proofread it the better:pinkiehappy:

3057336 thanks , i do love the concept myself so thats why i'm taking on the challenge :derpytongue2:

thanks for the feedback !

there. just added it to a bunch of groups.

Not really seen this kinda Scootaloo Fic :ajsmug: :scootangel:

I will Give this a Read and tell you what i think:twilightsmile:


In the meantime have a Heartattack with some epic *Dawww*
rainbowdash.net/file/cloudchaser-20120710T235735-hf5ab8l.gif

3060262 i hope you like it, i've not really got into the story that much yet but i am starting to work out a plot which is suitable for this fic :pinkiehappy:

3060262 why is fluttershy eating a bunny? i thought ponies were herbivores!

3060403 Angel was just so cute she Couldnt help but Gobble him up :rainbowwild::heart:

Nice :pinkiehappy:

Incidentally, my headcanon has (almost) always been that Spitfire is Scootaloo's mother. This is... close enough :twilightsmile:

You definitely need a proofreader :unsuresweetie:

Otherwise, pretty neat :scootangel:

business propitiation should be proposition, or propositions. Propitiation is the act of propitiating or winning the favor of a god, spirit, or person. While a Business Proposition is more about a person suggesting, or expressing something be considered, accepted, or adopted (in a business sense).

You need a period at the end of the sentences (not that many but a few here and there), and the beginning of the paragraphs need to capitalized.

____________________________

Onto the story.

Scootaloo was all kinds of adorable in this fic. Having her inside the saddle bag made me think about Sororal Insticts with Scootaloo inside the bowl. In terms of Scoots + an object adorability combo.



Her interaction with Spitfire was nice, and I greatly enjoyed the prank they played. Well done.

3065502 thanks for the feedback !
really appreciate it especially from a writer as good as yourself :rainbowwild:

i will get onto changing that world immediately :scootangel:

3060262

Pic not accessible, and the link to it is giving me a 404.

3060184

Same thing as before. Capitalize sentences at the start of your paragraphs, and don't for get the periods at the end of sentences.

Story wise. The look of terror on Scoots was priceless and sad simultaneously. I don't get the above comments about Flutters eating a bunny, but I do like the gliding practice and the fluffy feels that Scoots is giving Spitfire. You're doing good on the characterization, keeping things IC with Dash and Scoots. And I like your depiction of Spits. Is as good as the one on Loves Been a Little Bit Hard on Me.

3065560

Thanks for your feedback again i hope you like the next two chapters !

i will get on the editing soon enough just give me a few moments to finish off chapter 7 which i'll be posting on Tuesday

as for the story- thats really much the idea to keep it on the down low between Scootaloo and Dash as i'm trying to highlight that there is a special connection between Scootaloo and Spitfire

Wonder what kind of music it was.

3065592

ah i don't really know what i was listening too either, the words where quite repetitive though :derpytongue2:

3065605 thanks i will try that group, or wait in fact god damn it i was meant to ask solidfire if he could edit :facehoof:

i'll need to go ask him but i'll still join the group and find out if anyone wants to help :rainbowwild:

"sure thing kiddo, I've got to go do some more Wonderbolts training at the academy, I'll see you tomorrow Firefly replied

should be

"Sure thing kiddo, I've got to go do some more Wonderbolts training at the academy, I'll see you tomorrow" Firefly replied

I'll be honest I usually see Academy capitalized, but I'm not sure if that's correct or not.

______________________________


Nice flashback. I cannot wait to see what happens next chapter. So far this is bucking brilliant, and I'm eager to see how this play out.

3065633 I'll capitalize it just in case, Thanks for all your help and i hope i can find an editor at some point today :derpytongue2:

as for the story- i'm very flattered that you like it so much and i will be updating this story daily !

3065641

That's a lot of work. I'm impressed. Best of luck getting an editor.

Hay. Hey. Hay, listen, listen! Hay listen! ... CHOOSE ONE! :pinkiecrazy:

Seriously, you keep on using them interchangeably and it's the only thing that's annoying me other than capitalization errors.

3065671 ya sorry about that, i'm trying to get in touch with editors as we speak :rainbowwild:

You know what. I can come up with plenty of ways that the plot has some problems, but really, most if not all of the problems are easy to ignore, and once they're ignored the plot is, while still not superb, good enough to keep reading. You should still try to improve as an author and avoid such pitfalls though, so I'll make a quick mention of the two points I thought to be most weird-

1. The goggles. I understand why you had them as a way to advance plot, but why did Scootaloo put them in a box when she could have kept them with her at Rainbow's house? Even if she had a reason, wouldn't she come back to said box sometime during the week, only to find that the goggles were missing and freak out?

2. Why can't Spitfire just support Rainbow with money, continue visiting, act as a motherly figure, and have her dream job? I know, I know, it's a Spitfire Scootadoption story, but the only place that "Twi and Dash love each other and drive monster trucks is 'cause it's a TwiDash Ponimonstertruck story" is a valid reason is comedy/satire.

Once again, these are minor nitpicks, and I only caught the second one because I was in super-critic-look-deep-into-plot mode after being thrown off by the first one. If either of these things are not indeed wrong, then I apologize as a human being and will go slap myself with a bag of lunch meat.

P.S. Please, somebody write a Twidash Ponimonstertruck story.

3065827

they are both very valid reasons

-the goggles

now i understand that Scootaloo could have kept them at Dash's house but she's only been staying over with Dash for a sleep over type thing till her parents get back (at least thats what Rainbow thought) so if Scootaloo started bringing her possessions into the house Dash would probably get suspicious, but i do see your reasoning and its only because the goggles were of sentimental value to Scootaloo and Spitfire that i used them

-Spitfire adopting Scootaloo

Now of course its a Spitfire and Scootaloo adoption but i can see your reasoning, what i'm saying here is that dash still wants to become a Wonderbolt and stuff, she's also a bit too young for all of the things a mother has to do and fits the sisterly role a lot better, as for spitfire well she's already become a Wonderbolt and for filled her dreams, she's also of acceptable age to fit as the motherly type, in this story i'm trying to outline that Spitfire has a special connection with the filly and is willing to do anything to make sure that Scootaloo has a better childhood than she did

HOPE I ANSWERED EVERYTHING THERE :rainbowwild:

3065872

What?! No Twidash Ponimonstertruck story? That was the only thing that mattered!

I understand the reasons you gave in the comment, but the point is you should have those reasons clear in the story anyways. Once again, if I missed anything I'll slap myself with lunch meat. However, you didn't solve my biggest qualm- Without knowing whether or not Scootaloo would return to where the goggles were, Spitfire just flat out took them back. Imagine, from Scootaloo's point of view, what it would feel like in the moment you realize the goggles are gone.

3066441

Hmmm, you've caught me off guard there, i'm afraid where just going to have to believe Scootaloo never came back to that box over the week, or didn't notice her goggles where missing :rainbowwild:

i'll have a talk about it with my editor before we start revising that chapter, he's only just completed chapter 1 so you might have to wait a few days :derpytongue2:

3066455

I'll just believe that at the end of the story/after the story, once Scootaloo grows up and gets a house, Spitfire is going to get keys to it, walk in, and take a random vase. That is how the story shall forever end in my mind. I hope you're happy because, well, actually... I am happy with that ending. That's really the only problem I had with the story that wasn't a nitpick, but it has been easily solved through the powers of my messed up brain.

3066481

its not to bad, to be honest its quite an easy fix, however it does mean revising the chapter and i'd much rather do all the revising an editing at once :pinkiehappy:

im glad you like the story though, its great to see people actually enjoy this :rainbowwild:

3065643

hay guess what an editor agreed to help my fic and we have posted the first chapter back up with full editing professionalism. take a look if you like, we changed some parts in it :derpytongue2:

3065685

Cap. V.I.P.

Other than that. Massive improvement. This story is well done. Keep up the good work.

I like it, but I feel as if it's too rushed.

Dang do you type fast:pinkiehappy: It's a good thing I suck at waiting:rainbowlaugh: great chapter can't wait for more. And with how fast you type it won't be longer than I can wait:pinkiehappy:

broad skies sounds like a jerk
wants to sacrifice a fillies happiness for money

3067685
funny thing about that, i had a big group discussion the other day about making spitfire adopt Scootaloo in the first few chapters, it's just that i don't want to make the whole story about Spitfire adopting Scootaloo and then end the fic, and needless to say everyone in the discussion agreed :rainbowwild:

i guess though more could have been put into the story, but i think more people enjoy it this way :derpytongue2:

3070282

ya i decided to make him act like that because it means i could maybe use him more in other chapter 's (its one of my many idea's) :rainbowwild:

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