• Member Since 9th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 4th, 2019

Kokara


T

A simple spell. That's all Twilight thought it was after finding a strange spell called the "Xen portal" in a spell book somepony left on her doorstep, but something has gone wrong. Something has gone so so wrong. These monsters, these things, are appearing in Ponyville, attacking and killing anything they can. Now Twilight, armed with whatever she can find and with the few allies she has, must kill these creatures and find out how to close the portal she accidentally opened before all of Equestria is doomed.

A My Little pony/Half Life Crossover set in an alternate timeline before the events of "Magical Mystery Cure."

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 2 )

Alright you asked me for help and here I go... the references are solid, I will give you that much. The over all story line is decent, but where this thing seems to fall apart is in the details. Your paragraphs are so long one could argue that they would take up an entire page in normal literature, you need to either cut down on the details are find spots in the paragraph itself where you could split them. I would also recommend trying to make every bit of dialogue a new paragraph, that will help immensely (it makes the story SO much easier to read and it's also far less intimidating to the reader). Finally when it comes to the gore... there's quite a bit in fact because you go into so much detail with it I would say that you need to do one of two things... tone it down and redo some of the parts already done. Yes I know that this is rated mature for just that purpose, but (I'm over exaggerating but bare with me on this...) if all I see through half the story is Blood/guts, Blood/guts and blood/guts I'm just going to think that the entire world is in a knee deep river of entrails and I'm sure that's not what you're going for. Remember you can do a lot with very little when it comes to gore movies like 'Jaws' is a perfect example. You know you don't see it much but when you do you are absolutely terrified. Overall I see that this fic and you have potential. You just need to hold off on some of your details and such as well and not repeating blood, blood and more blood.

3603443 Thanks so much for the advice. I'll try to take into account everything you have told me.

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