PhycoKrusk (fi'ko-krüs'k) n. that jerk whose user page you accidentally wandered into
Buried Treasures (Stories that Deserve More Attention)690 stories ·594 members
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Long ago, a great darkness covered the land of Animalia until the Sun, in the form of the Maiden of Flames, cleansed and saved it, and then healed and united it in the form of the phoenix Philomena, now known as the Empress of Light.
A thousand years hence, darkness again threatens the land, and it will fall to the Empress' ever faithful retainer Owlowiscious Nightwatch to stand against the tide.
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Is Wendigo supposed to be Windigo, or did you change the spelling on purpose?
Would suggest reading over that first paragraph again. And fixing it.
You said momentarily twice, at one point, too.
Maybe you should just check over all of it...
Maybe you should add an author's note somewhere, and mention the japanese influences?
Also. "... there was absolutely nothing that could go wrong." Sounds like some famous last words, to me.
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Could you be a bit more specific about "the first paragraph"? I looked over it, but I feel like I'm missing something that should be obvious....
An author's note is under consideration, though.
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You describe the way that things look 'from the sky' twice, and seem to be splitting up what should be a single, coherent sentence with a period
3128543
... well. That's embarassing. Seriously, that's like a grade school mistake right there.
'easy yo ignore' should be to, right when you're introducing Gummy.
Also, towards the end, 'if ya'll don't plans' likely was meant to include a 'have'.
On to next chapter.
A little bit shorter, but I'm okay with that. I'm interested that you seem to be focusing on having some stronger relationships form before the impending crisis hits, rather than after.
Still waiting to see what this Wendigo fellow is like.
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And this is why you should never write when your tired, hungry, and slightly frustrated.
Wait a second...
Random question: where is Big Mac('s counterpart)?!
Second random question: is he the yokai? And if so, is he a timberwolf? Because I feel as if that would be kind of funny.
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All will be explained. In due time.
In 'Granny Earthwalker was still nothing sort of a master,' sort should be short. Second paragraph.
I would recommend not including something in the story if you have to add a footnote; it's rather distracting, and pulls the reader out of the story. Try making the meaning more obvious in the context instead, or even explain it in story. It wouldn't be too difficult, in this case.
I suggest altering the punctuation in, 'Winona certainly didn't, her demeanor turned to smiles in an instant.'
I don't even know what to say about 'Well, I recked there's a couple o' folks.'
'the crank that did little to alleviate the mystery of the sutation.' What does sutation mean?
'and then turning an sprinting back to his company,' replace an with and.
I can't help but feel that Opal isn't haughty enough, like her in-show version.
"So that's it, then?" Opal deanded once more. What is deanded?
'Taking his when when offered,' double when.
'the Empress felt very strongly that begin confined to Heavenspire,' begin should probably be being.
'She wouldn't near it,' forgot the go.
You know, it's kind of weird when you begin to think that animals are acting out of character...
Also, do you need a proofreader? I'd be happy to volunteer.
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Honestly, I wouldn't mind, because I honestly have no idea how most of these even happened.
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Feel free to message me about it, then.
"I would he overjoyed..." Should be be instead of he. Second paragraph.
"... she turned ti him and spoke." Replace ti with to.
"... to angry scowling when they Owlowiscious" I'm guessing there was supposed to be a saw?
Owlowiscious deserved that.
Is this on hiatus, or is updating just taking a while?
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I'm getting inspiration for it again, and expect to complete at least 1 new chapter after I finish Rockets & Rainbooms.
At the beginning, I was planning on suggesting that you put more emphasis on aspects of the main cast's personalities that made them different from their pony counterparts. Then, as I got closer to the end of the chapter, I couldn't help but feel as if you were going in that direction already. I guess now I just have to wait and see.
Also, that part where Windigo showed up was... confusing. If he can't reach the physical world, how did he kill the tengu? And what happened to Philamena?
Anyway, the flow of this chapter was a serious improvement, so now, after inflating your ego a bit, onto the corrections!
'Banners depicting the Empress’ heraldry- a firebird encircled by its own wings-'
I'm having some trouble picturing this, could you explain a little more (not much of a correction, I know, but ...)?
“Well, I suppose then we’ll have to meet up with you both afterwards, then."
The incusion of two thens here is redundant.
'instead, its nose and mouth were at the front of small mound,'
I'm honestly not sure what to tell you about this one.
'And there none were none who could look away from him,'
That first none shouldn't be there.
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In the order they were mentioned:
Thanks.
That will be explained.
Example, even if not exactly what I mean:
pingmag.jp/images/article/animal-kamon-design10.jpg
Fixed.
I’d like to see you describe the face of an ape when the world you’re working in has nothing comparable.
Fixed.
As an aside, the new format I am trying for “Classical” terms: Better or worse than before?
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He's an ape? Also, there aren't, like, monkeys or anything? Can't even compare him to a fish?
Also, I was talking about how the sentence ended with "the front of small mound."
The classical terms are kind of hit and miss. Keep trying.
Liking the story so far, sure hope it continues this way !
If I may ask, I saw in Chapter 2's author notes that you were willing to explain the breakdown of the monetary system in this universe, and I was kinda curious to know if it would still be possible ? I always love a few more bits of world-building ^^
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Sure. I'll shoot you a PM, to avoid crowding the space here.
I like this alot i tried to make a story with japanese folklore in it it never got past the rough draft they're to hard to write for ... point is i'm glad for all the work {and planning} this has to take
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It’s good to see that folks still drop by to read this, even if updates have been slow going.
whoa i love this story