• Member Since 29th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 16th, 2023

ChocoLoco


Comments ( 52 )

i read such "laughing corpse" stories before, they never fail to creep me out.
something about your victim laughing at you is just... so not right it Freaks out even the most badass.

First I thought it's just another stupid gore-fic. Then came second half of a fic and... well, I'm impressed. This is dark, scary, with awesome dialogue and very unusual written Celestia! Not to mention amazing ways to let reader's imagination wander.

5 out of 5.

That was...

...interesting...

...and I enjoyed it a hell of a lot.

Trolling Level: Bernkastel :trollestia:

Wow. It's interesting to know that you can enjoy something that you wrote for others to read. :twilightsmile:

Back when I finished the last draft for this, I thought it was perfect. Now I'm seeing there's quite a few flaws in here that I never noticed before. That really annoys me, especially since it's quite distracting from the story.

I really need to consider using proofreaders in the future.

i'm quite surprised you have only written one story on fimfiction (that i can see) i would much like to see a sequel to this story, its simply too good to be a one shot, it sets up a great story later on, i thoroughly
enjoyed this story and hope you make another

3546887
I whole-heartedly agree with you. :ajsleepy:

:facehoof: It was intended to be more than a single chapter. The reason I marked it as complete was because I very slowly started to learn that writing was really stressful for me. I'm under the impression that my writing process was the sole cause of it all. Each day, I'd allocate all of my time towards writing a single chapter and end up adding only about a few hundred words each day. Meanwhile, several other writers are capable of writing entire stories -- GOOD ones -- within a few days. That's where I want to be right now. So I've been doing what I can to try and understand how to do so. Just over a short few months I've been experimenting with different approaches to writing that I've made up. Not counting my first (not hosted), this story was actually the least stressful one I've ever written.

I'm actually glad that I marked this as complete now. Marking this as complete has helped me create an entirely new series. I've fleshed out the world even more now. This story will serve as a sort of basis for it all.

3547249 Woah! i never expected to get a reply! ok time to respond, ahem
first. don't worry about writing fast, or slow (i'm sure you figured this out by now) go at YOUR pace
second. AWESOME! :rainbowkiss: i eagerly await a story based off of this one, the many different approaches you can take the (new) relationship with twilight and celesta (i hope you know i'm a HUGE fan of evil/dark magic twilight) looking forward to it, now back to my 30 other fan fictions i'm reading atm (not kidding you should see my google chrome tabs i have open)

Celestia 1:trollestia:
Twilight 0:twilightoops:

Nicely done! I enjoyed every minute of it, every word. There are no words to say of how much I truly enjoyed this masterpiece.:moustache:

3705682
Glad you liked it :pinkiehappy:

Like I told demonbaker, I plan to write a spinoff story that takes place after all of this. What I didn't tell him though is that I really want to finish up this one.

3705798
I am patient, the best work always comes with time.

I really enjoyed this quite a bit. Highly underrated imo. :ajsmug:

Huh... okay. Seems legit. Like and favorite.

Well, apart from mentioning the Devil (what would his cutie mark be, I wonder), I like this story a lot. Lots of twists and turns. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. And for that, I give this story an upvote and a watch. Well done.

3888117
:facehoof: I tried to be dramatic. I can see how the line is bad now.

:rainbowderp: Damn...

And I thought I wrote dark.... I mean DAMN...

It's a really powerful fic. This kind of thing isn't usually my cup of tea but...

I mean DAMN.

10/10 Like, fav.

I'm going to watch Fluffle Puff Tales to remember how to laugh again. :ajsleepy:

4552641
Wow, really? I guess this is super hit and miss. Some people loved it and others thought it was a joke.

Well, here is my Review from the PCaRG!

This little link will guide you to semi glory!

Did I mention...

~~*MASTERPIECE*~~

4678637 And I quite disagree. Good story, yes, but not a masterpiece. Then again, my standards are set unreasonably high, so it could be that.

Most of that is from how easily Twilight was tricked. Immortality tends to bring people trying to kill you in very creative ways which hurt an awful lot. Why would torture do anything to hurt Celestia's psyche? Is Twilight that stupid? I think not.

Then there's the fact that, much as Twilight loves her brother, if she was willing to torture Celestia over it, she would have been angry enough to kill Celestia then and there, or at least try. It felt very OoC.

The who thing also just felt... Off. I'm not sure how, but perhaps given more time I could find out. Maybe it moved too fast?

Oh well. Still a wonderful story and an entertaining read.

4678637
Thanks for the review!

4678796
It's ok to disagree, but this story is a Masterpiece.

4678804 ...So it's alright for me to disagree, but I'm wrong? How nice. Shame that opinions are now facts, if one can state that they're true.

Unless you mean it has earned the rating of "Masterpiece", and not is a masterpiece. Semantics, but important semantics. In that case, I'd need to know the criteria before being able to pass an opinion on that.

4678833
I'm in a very bad mood right now... don't push it.

4678842 What a coincidence! So am I! I just had over a thousand dollars stolen from me because of a loophole in a contract I signed; that doesn't mean I show it online. Or take it out on random people who have done nothing wrong.

4678856
You know what, your right. I am in the wrong here. I'm sorry.

4678875 :heart: you too, Meggie. Now back to reviewing, because people need to know that their story is bad, and why it's bad, from someone who can explain it.

Edit: Replied to wrong comment. Fixed that.

4678875 Oh, and if it makes you feel better, feel free to trash any of my stories. I won't mind.

Wow, Choco.
I am impressed.

4678796
I agree with you. I don't think it's a masterpiece either. Mainly because I've been learning a lot since then about how much can actually go into a story. I put no thought into it other than the arrangement of the events. That story was something I cooked up in about two days, it pretty much just flowed from my head into words.

As for the conflicting points:

Immortality tends to bring people trying to kill you in very creative ways which hurt an awful lot.

In the story, Twilight had mistakenly assumed that Celestia was unaging instead of immortal. The difference between the two is that an unaging person can be killed, while an immortal can't. It's been said that Celestia is immortal, but how do you determine immortality vs unaging? You could try killing them, but that's taking a gamble that conflicts with something else I'm about to go into.

Twilight's anger wasn't the type of explosive instant reaction anger you feel when someone wrongs you. It was the kind of painful, horrible anger where you feel very deeply violated. The first kind of anger makes you scream and kill someone; the second kind of anger makes you dedicate the entire rest of your life to absolutely ruining their life in the most extreme ways possible. You don't want them dead, you want them molecularly disintegrated. Also, let's not forget that Celestia's her mentor. You could say that she expected the torture to be therapeutic, that she would rid herself of her own pain by making Celestia suffer a great deal over time. She can't do that if she kills her.

Why would torture do anything to hurt Celestia's psyche?

Whether you're immortal or not, pain still hurts. More than hurting you, pain has the potential to change who you are completely if you receive enough of it.

if she was willing to torture Celestia over it, she would have been angry enough to kill Celestia then and there, or at least try. It felt very OoC.

I explored that at the top. But mainly, I just wanted Celestia being tortured by a Dark Twilight.

The idea for the story came from playing Pony Fantasy 6, specifically the scene where the guards beat Celes (the character playing Celes's role is Trixie). Looking at the pony version of the beating, it didn't seem so brutal. I youtubed that scene and it looked far more brutal to me. So I just thought.. what if the pony scene were more brutal? I tried to think of the most unforgiving thing to do to a restrained person. That's when I realized I was pretty much branching off into torture. I had been itching to write a story at the time, so I started thinking more about it, like who would be the victim. That's how I came up with the story.

Still a wonderful story and an entertaining read.

Thanks! :heart: I'm glad you think so.

4678856
I'm kinda curious. What was this loophole in the contract? I'm not a lawyer or anything, but I like to think that I'm difficult to trick with writing, minus mindless complexity.

4678964
Really?

mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_07_2012/post-1477-0-37106500-1343032750.png

4679063 I'm no immortal, and I went through my life and came out nearly unscathed. All that happened was that I stopped feeling happiness as a normal emotion, rather than a conscious thought of "this is pleasing". Therefore (unless I'm missing something pretty huge) even mortals can withstand a huge amount of pain without breaking. I could buy Stockholm Syndrome, though.

As for the rage... There are two types of rage. One is the one where it blinds you and you berserk and kill and tear. That's hot rage. Then there's the other end -- it sinners for years, morphs, corrupts who you are into a being made from stuff that Satan would run screaming from. It does not drive you to physical torture -- no, what it does is far more insidious. It has you make their life misery, without ever directly affecting it. It does far worse than physical torture ever could. Twilight's smart. She could easily have planted a rumor here, had the wrong servant overhear the wrong words at the wrong time, and forced Celestia to watch as Equestria crumbles and force her to be utterly powerless as it does. That would break her far better than any torture, especially if it takes hundreds of years to fall. All of which could, quite easily, be done. That's why it felt OoC -- because Twilight knows she can do so much worse.

As Celestia said in the story, Twilight should be smarter than thinking Celestia, the mare who dominates the entire world by virtue of having the power to end it, has never had an attempt made on her life. After long enough, one succeeds. Law of averages. Hell, Twilight could have found out with research instead of failing to kill her.

Of course, it's still an interesting scene. The backstory is what drops it from "masterpiece" to merely amazing, as well as Twilight's shock at Celestia's immortality. Better would be Celestia waking to find Twilight sharpening a new set of tools, smiling happily. Then Twilight says, "I've been waiting, you know. Nothing to do but carve up your sister instead." Wistful sigh, looks up as though recalling. "She screams most satisfyingly." Focuses her gaze on Celestia. "But now you're awake! And that means I get to start Round Two." Grins. Fade to black.

Oh, and the loophole was essentially an unclear definition of a word. I did get in contact with the guy's boss, though, so he'll be making that thousand stretch until he can get a new job. The boss apparently has no tolerance for people who lawyer their way out of paying what they owe. Silly man, giving me his name when I didn't need it. And making an IP trace easy.

4679178

I'm no immortal, and I went through my life and came out nearly unscathed. All that happened was that I stopped feeling happiness as a normal emotion, rather than a conscious thought of "this is pleasing". Therefore (unless I'm missing something pretty huge) even mortals can withstand a huge amount of pain without breaking. I could buy Stockholm Syndrome, though.

Everyone has a breaking point. Also, she didn't have a particular cause she was suffering for. When you're going through torture, it becomes easier to bear when you know they want something that you refuse to give them. If they wanted to know the location of one of your loved ones so that they could kill them, you have sort of a power bonus to resist them. But, when you're just taking torture mindlessly, it can be terrifying. Add on to that that starving and sleep deprivation alone are very taxing and would make your thinking very muddled. She went through such suffering for months.

As for the rage... There are two types of rage. One is the one where it blinds you and you berserk and kill and tear. That's hot rage. Then there's the other end -- it sinners for years, morphs, corrupts who you are into a being made from stuff that Satan would run screaming from. It does not drive you to physical torture -- no, what it does is far more insidious. It has you make their life misery, without ever directly affecting it. It does far worse than physical torture ever could. Twilight's smart. She could easily have planted a rumor here, had the wrong servant overhear the wrong words at the wrong time, and forced Celestia to watch as Equestria crumbles and force her to be utterly powerless as it does. That would break her far better than any torture, especially if it takes hundreds of years to fall. All of which could, quite easily, be done. That's why it felt OoC -- because Twilight knows she can do so much worse.

That's the tricky part. She can't do that because she cares about Equestria very much, just like she cares about her brother. Celestia knows that Twilight feels this way because she groomed her to. Besides, that would be a slap in Shining Armor's face. He wouldn't simply turn over in his grave if she did that, he'd arise from it.

As Celestia said in the story, Twilight should be smarter than thinking Celestia, the mare who dominates the entire world by virtue of having the power to end it, has never had an attempt made on her life. After long enough, one succeeds. Law of averages. Hell, Twilight could have found out with research instead of failing to kill her.

As you indicate, Twilight had all sorts of ways to know. She SHOULD know, even if she never read a word of Equestrian history. One leader ruling the same country for such a long time, without having attempts on their life? Anyone in that world could reach the conclusion that Celestia should have had attempts on her life. I wanted that to stand out as proof that something is definitely wrong with her mind.

Oh, and the loophole was essentially an unclear definition of a word. I did get in contact with the guy's boss, though, so he'll be making that thousand stretch until he can get a new job. The boss apparently has no tolerance for people who lawyer their way out of paying what they owe. Silly man, giving me his name when I didn't need it. And making an IP trace easy.

Thanks for that. It fits within what I think of them. The basic idea being that you suffer loss either through loosely defined terms or tricky conditions.

4679444 I wasn't suffering for anything. I just had a hellish life. I didn't know it would end until it did. Now, can we cease with the unpleasant memories? I tend to go a bit insane if I have to think too much about that.

...I didn't consider that she still cares about the country, if not Celestia. She just wants to make Celestia suffer, without anything else? Fair point. Though she can lie and say that she's torturing Luna as well; that would seriously hurt Celestia. More than any physical wound. Being unable to save someone you love is supposedly a horrid feeling.

Ohhh, that makes so much more sense now. Derp. It is a nice touch, but a literally-minded fellow like me has trouble understanding it. In that case, adding more hints that things are off would help. Maybe she misnames one of the torture devices, and Celestia notices, even if she doesn't say anything out loud. Perhaps she forgets something she said earlier -- some threat or promise. It just felt like an author's mistake on its own. Unless I missed other hints, too.

Edit: :pinkiegasp: I FORGOT TO FAVORITE THIS! Fixed.

You should write more stories. :twilightsmile: I'd like to see more by you

4886549
I understand if you dislike the story for whatever reasons, but you're making way too many assumptions. It's to the point where if I tried addressing your comment even partially, it would would take way too much time.

The only thing I can say for certain is that for each of those points, you should ask yourself if that's really what's going on.

Nothing is true, everything is permitted. An assassin, are you?

Amm

Enjoyable story. It amuses me that the complaints in the comments tend to be caused by lack of reading comprehension. My only complaint is that the frame seems kind of weak. Shining Armor dying doesn't seem like it'd be enough without more exposition, but it is close enough to the line to not interfere much. Of course, I could have missed out on a bit of subtext as well.

Regardless, interesting and well written story that was a pleasure to read.

Why aren't you writing more often? This is amazing! :pinkiegasp:

5180899
Writing was very draining. I spent half a year trying to develop a method for writing that eliminates the drain, then I spent another half trying to start it up without success.

5180963

Sorry to hear that. I know how taxing it can be to write. :fluttershysad:

5181509
:twilightsheepish:... I meant I spent half a year saying I'd write, intending to, but then just never did.

5181666

I got that. :rainbowlaugh:

5181672
Okay, good. Just making sure. :twilightsmile:

Powerful, deep, horrifyingly beautiful in it's own way...

It took me THERE...

I guess Twilight, still has some lessons to learn.

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