A race of gigantic monstrosities called Angels have attacked the Earth. Bullets, missiles, artillery, bombs, and even nukes have no effect on them, they are protected by near impenetrable AT fields. The only weapon that humanity can use against them are the Evangelions, huge bio-mechs with powers that are unknown even to those that pilot them. It is a war that has raged for fifteen years in secret. And one pilot, 14 year old Shinji Ikari, is about to unintentionally bring that war to Equestria.
Chapters (1)
Evangelion and MLP? I don't believe I've read one of these before.
Please, continue.
3038330
yeah, as far as i know, only two other MLP and Evangelion crossovers exist on this site, and I've looked
Curious piece you've made, please continue!
Now for my nitpicks:
The gray text really is jarring to my eyes specially as I use the default "Light" background a few shades darker would be nice. (And no Im nothing making a hidden 50 shades of grey joke
)
And speaking of grey text In comparison to the rest of the story I found the first part very jarring to read. For me it read like the headline of a news article but as a paragraph, which just didn't work for me.
While there are grammatical errors, I'd leave pointing them someone more qualified. That is unless you have no issues with vague comments like the one I wrote above.
YESYESYESYES please continue! Loving it so far.
Just so you're aware, you don't need the [Human] tag if you already sport a [Crossover] tag. The [Crossover] tag gives you free reign to use humans brought about via the crossing over. The only time you'd need a [Human] tag is if, in addition to the [Crossover] elements, you also brought another, totally unrelated human into the picture.
3038872
Thanks
I really need to review the faq, with me being a member of this site for only a week
3038875
Don't feel TOO bad, a lot of people make this particular mistake. I only noticed because I got kinda spastic with research when I started my own [Crossover] fic. Are you writing this for people who are already fans of Evangelion, or for people who are not familiar with the subject matter?
3038885
To be honest, I have no idea. I just write whatever comes to mind for a good sequence of events. Though I think that fans of Evangelion would have a much easier time understanding the beginning, but hopefully people who haven't watched the show can still understand the fic. Also, to all people who haven't watched the show, you're probably gonna get a lot of important spoilers later in the story. Just sayin.
3038893
I took a quick look at the chapter. I can offer some advice.
-Know your audience. If you're writing explicitly for fans of both shows, you can omit a lot of the explanations and narration to aid in flow.
.
.
.
-You use a lot of jargon. It felt like I was reading a clunky tech manual
-You occasionally and subtly slip from past tense, into present tense narrative. Be careful about that
-I agree with the comment earlier about the color of the text you used in the setting-thing, for a lot of people it will be hard to read.
-I also want to caution you against using "thought-speak", as you can quite easily just put that in the narrative.
-I also, also want to mention that your use of the setting-header-thing is quite jarring to narrative flow. Your chapter was already short enough as it stood. The narrative would be more engaging if you worked the explanation of time and setting in the actual storytelling. For instance when you're talking about "Ramiel" you could easily have your character be given a briefing on the matter, thus making the character and the reader aware of the situation at the same time
-My last critique would be your pacing. Your prose is on rocket-fuel or something, jeez. The only bit of advice I can give you on the matter, is if you're going to undertake a chapter-based story written long-form, organization is your friend. I personally like using outlines. For each chapter I start by stating the things I'd like to accomplish in the chapter, usually noting what I would like each character to do; then I break it up into logical chunks and decide the order of the narration. The outline lets you plan out the story in large chunks, and let you deal with pacing before you get bogged down in the minutia.
Hope you find this helpful
3038939
Super thanks for the advice! It will really help in my writing in Chapter 2 and the editing of both chapters.
Hopefully my writing will improve over time, this was after all, my first attempt at fanfic, and I can only learn from my mistakes
3038974
Good attitude! I took the time to write all that out to help you become better. I'm not a malicious nitpicker
... usually
...
Don't be afraid to submit your story to one of the editing groups here on fimfic, either. There are plenty of things out there to help you.
3038980
Thanks, I'll see what editing groups I can find that will help.
One thing is for sure though. I am exhausted.
Time to go to bed, bye!
1) why not have when shinji was swallowed by the Dirac sea? It give you an out so he could return to Japan.
2) would not Rei also be transported?
3) those poor apple trees. Could have him destroy the part of the farm that connected to the ever free Forrest.
Good opening so far. I agree about the faint grey. needs to change.
3038352
Have you seen mine?
P.S. I've seen 4, not including my own.
So I guess I'll say my piece and try and be a helpful fellow author, even though I too have only written one story. Please don't hate me.
The words are kinda flat. There isn't a lot of detail or description for people who have not seen NGE to go on (Such as your description of the Eva, being purple, green, and big metal face. Thats like describing a computer as a plastic box.)
Some characterization errors too. If Applejack saw a huge hulking EVA *these things are 80 meters tall, run for your life!*, first thing she would do is get Twilight.
That's about it from me. I suggest asking for help on the proofreader's group to get you started.
P.S. If I may ask, did you plan out a plot *No butt jokes
* for this story or are you writing on the go? 
P.S.S. Love the coverart.
Even if you don't technically need the "Human" tag because you're using the "Crossover" tag wouldn't using it allow more people to find this story?
See, 29 likes already
3039423
Man, I never got that many likes on my EVA story in the first 6-7 hours.
Oh, and how has the following/stalking business been going?
3039448
Good, but the admins/mods won't respond to my pleas for free reign
Oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooood yes.
I've faved this, because I really do want to see what happens next.
However, I also down-voted it, because technically speaking it's really not great. Your descriptions don't really describe much (although your lack of detail on the description of Unit 01 may be intentional), your language is often a little dull and the tense of your writing seems to jump between past and present at random.
I'll keep reading, but if these problems persist I may not keep reading for very long.
An Evangelion/FiM crossover story? I guess I'll have to post a comment on this one. I'll focus on the NGE aspects and leave the rest to others. Possible Evangelion spoilers ahead, but I'll try to keep things short.
First off, having the story start with the Fifth Angel seems odd. Mechanics wise, I feel it stretches probability a bit thin. Though certainly impressive, Ramiel's firepower could be contained by Unit-00 and its space shuttle shield. Honestly, I have doubts about how collision between Ramiel's beam and Unit-01 positron cannon could result in punching a hole in the multiverse, unless some other to be seen element is involved. Leliel (Twelfth Angel) or Third Impact would make make more realistic causes for dimensional travelling.
That point of the NGE storyline is also less interesting regarding Shinji. The Angel War is still freshly started and the shit hasn't hit the fan yet. Asuka isn't in the picture at that point, Shinji just made friends and things are starting to be good with Misato and Rei. We couldn't say that Shinji is completely happy, but it's certainly not his worse point conflict wise. Depending on the time you're going for, an emo Shinji from later in the series could probably get more benefits from the Magic of Friendship.
There's also Unit-01. Assuming you go with the classical series, it has yet to awaken and gain a S2 engine. So unless you have plans on having it magically recharged later on, (how would that work anyway?) it basically only have five minutes left in its internal batteries (and that's forgetting that there's no support crew to help start it on, let alone maintain it).
Actually, at this point, Shinji's worries would be more about Rei. After all, if he missed, she'd have to shield him so he could prepare a second shot. And quite possibly get killed in the process. What he wouldn't worry about is his aim. After all, it was all computer calculated, he just needed to hit the trigger once the computer got the target.
Now, all the Evangelion nitpicking aside, there's very substance to this very short part, so it's hard to really make a judgment. So I'll leave that pending until later.
Actually, writing this, I find myself wondering if you couldn't try another start angle. Feel free to ignore me on that though, it's just my personal opinion. The way I see it, you could start with Equestria first, maybe a scene of a peaceful morning in Ponyville. Follows Unit-01 falling from the sky (insert maybe a twitchy tail here). Then in the following chapter, have Shinji dream flashback to the recent events (as a parallel to after the Third Angel fight) and his awakening in a strange world of multicolored pony.
Either way, keep going and see how you can to go to improve things. It's not a bad try for a first story, keep it up! :)
3041534
Thanks for the advice, I'll really take it into account. I'm trying to do my best reading through these comments while I do some editing and writing the 2nd and 1st chapters.
Also, for all the people that i've seen on this site who know Evangelion quite well, there are only like 4 or 5 Evangelion mlp fics that exist on this site including mine, you know why?
3038330>>3038352
May I direct you to Shinji's Nightmare by Harry Leferts?
3041872
Thanks, I guess.
Ramiel is such a pimp.
I'm interested in the concept, to be more specific I'm interested in seeing how you'll pull this story off.
After all, mixing Evangelion and FiM Will (Not) be easy.
Asides from shinji's nightmare there is only one other story in this particular crossover that is done reasonably well... cant remember the name but it involved twilight sparkle teleporting on top of shinji...
...While he's in the bath (oh twilight only you...)
Edit: Oh it's smiles story Rebuild of magic 1.0 :P
3041561 This looks like it could be the best story ever or the worlds biggest fluke.
God luck patron.http://i.imgur.com/JBAOfOr.gif
3043260
3038330>>3041872
No love for "Rebuild of Magic".
3043425
We all need some god luck sometimes. Mind if I start using that?
3043970
God luck? what is that
? and i dont believe in luck. i believe in sweat and work and guns.
3043906
Just so you know, I read through the whole thing and I really liked it.
I also gave it a fave and a like
3043977
Your comment that I replied to. Not only does it say "luck" (something you say you don't believe in), it also says "God" instead of "Good".
Definitely gonna read later.
You sir/madam have my attention. Please do continue, seeing as I don't come across much eva x fim crossovers (there is one called Shinji's Nightmare that has been good so far).
Great start, please continue
3039462
We should start a petition to give you free reign. I'm sure a lot of people would sign it.
~N
3110700
I tried... Knightly didn't respond...
3110725
~N
3110737
I could try again... But I'm not sure how well the people who initially signed it would react...
3110776 well, I'd sign for sure.
~N
3110811
Hmm I might try again with one of the mods...
3043997 where is chapter 2???? D:
~nightmare
*pokes author with a stick*
I know this is now ages in the future, but man, I really wish there was more to this - this is, imo, really well written..