• Member Since 10th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 31st, 2013

msbrittany123


E

Rainbow decides to have a little chat with Scootaloo about her parents. What Rainbow doesn't realize is the consequence of her rushed actions.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

So far, so good!

Your ideas are interesting enough, and most of your writing is pretty good! I did notice that there were grammatical errors here and there, though, and the chapter has a few things that I think should be revised.

Do you have an editor/proofreader for your future chapters? If not, I'd be glad to help!

Good concept, good writing...
You could try to go more into detail at some points. The whole chapter seems a little short for everything that happens. Maybe add an action sentence or two to the dialogue, too.

Example:

As fast as usual the mare landed on the porch of the club house. Scootaloo felt Rainbow's muscles tense up suddenly. The older mare sighed and craned her head to look the filly in the eye. “Scoots, can we talk?”

Just a suggestion. :twilightsmile:

Beside that, this story could really make it far. I'm looking forward to your next chapter.

:rainbowhuh: I'm confused. did Scoot learn how to fly?

Okay...
What do i think of this...
Hmm....
Okay...
I see potential.
I see... Development....
I see... THA FUTURE!!
No but...
I can see many good things.
But also bad.
Its rushed, the plot is not developed enough...
Ok, first off.
Details.
A little bit more... details on mainly...
The general stuffs.
Describe their movements... describe their eyes....
And so on.

Plot.
Eehh... what can i say....
Right now... anything could happen...
That is actually a good thing..
But...
Its TOO much open space.
I mean... its not developed.
Its not sewed together.
When you.... write...
It needs to have a medium amount of possibilities. To little, and the reader will guess what happens 2 chapters in.
Too much, and the writer almost forgets what hes writing about.

I dont have much more to say...

6/10 Photo Finish's Purrfection
:coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto::coolphoto:

Hey everyone, thank you for your constructive criticism. Right now I am focusing on rewriting chapter one to include more detail and hopefully make more sense. I hope to be finished before Friday. Feel free to comment on other issues so I can fix it in the rewrite.

3034668

Thank you for your kind offer. I would love to have an editor/proofreader for my rewrite and future chapters. You can message me if you are interested :scootangel:

So... is there more to come?

3040291 No, she clearlty has some congenital defect that prevents her using flight magic. But Rainbow Dash didn't realise that's what she meant.

when is the next chapter!!!!!!!!???????:ajbemused:

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