Lies And Slander (46)
Lies And Slander
"So, this is island number.... 8, Uninhabited, large, jungle type, low food resources, harpies nest here over the summer... avoid unless well armed. Alright, lets move on to the next one." I said calmly as another wave of arrows and a shot from the laser cannon left the ship, ripping the bird like fiends to pieces and setting them ablaze as they futilely attempted to scratch a hole in our armored balloon. The rangers had taken to shooting them down, while the Lemko cats, all using spears instead of swords and axes, skewered them when they reached the deck. The flyers and our mounts were circling, picking off any that were on the ship. Shimmer was lighting them ablaze from Gilda's back, while she shredded them with her claws. Maria was nimbly dodging them, while Nadene cut them apart as they flew past. I was hacking away at them while singing a merry tune.
"Oh a reaping I will go! A reaping I will go! Hi ho the dairy oh! A reaping I will go! Come! Sing with me!" I called merrily, bringing laughs from the rest of my crew as they continued to slice the attackers apart.
'These things have obviously never played Starcraft. Zerg rushes only work when the opponent hasn't built up their defenses yet.'
Constantly being set on fire by the laser, as well as burning arrows, there was a literal rain of fire over the ocean as the corpses of harpies blazed as they fell. After ten minutes and about three hundred of the half bird, half pony, all ugly harpies slashed, burned, shredded, or all three by the laser as it passed through multiple enemies, they gave up and flew back to their nests to lick their wounds. We flew back to the ship, and the cats let out a cheer. Some of them had taken to cooking the things with their own gems spears, following Growl's example. Hey? Why not? It's meat, it's non toxic, and best of all, it's free! So, it looks a little bit like a pony. Who cares.... oh, yeah, Trixie does. She went and hid in her room till the feast was over. She didn't complain, she knows we're omnivorous, but that doesn't change the fact that she didn't like it.
"Well, that was fun. We really ought to do it again some time. Heck, we could probably vacate the old dominion and have the griffins live in the isles and jungle."
"You know Grif, that's not a bad idea. Sure, not many gems by comparison, but, we don't eat them. We really have no need for them. The islands and jungle are full of life, food, rainwater, everything we need. We could all just migrate down here, maybe go south of the equator." Gilda replied.
"Well, first we need to free the slaves, so we still need to invade Gem Fido, but, we could take everyone who isn't fighting and tell them to head south to a meeting point. Get out of the frozen north. We'll have to think about it."
"Islands number 12, 14, 17, 21, and 25 are uninhabited, overflowing with food. Prime locations, ready to be colonized, numbers 2-6 are zebra settlements, 7 is too small, 8 through 10 are harpy nests, 11 is barren. The others are too rocky, steep cliffs, volcanic or inhabited by dangerous beasts. Only another *Yawn* 60 to go....." I slouched in the captain's chair. Steelhorn was still busy working at the forge. Shimmer was getting quite a set of lungs on her, able to keep up a solid stream of flame for five whole minutes before needing to breathe in again. Growl was making charts, being the only one with any drawing skill at all.
"Let's see, island number 26..... Huh? Docks? Port town!" I jumped from the chair to get a better look through the front window. Sure enough, a port, full of ships of the oceanic and sky variety, all bearing the Equestrian flag.
"Gilda, Maria, you're with me." We quickly left the ship, grabbing nearby clouds and lumping them together around the vessel. It was night, and when dawn came, we'd be like a second sun. We didn't want to attract attention. Confident that we were well hidden, the clouds staying in place around the ship, despite the ocean breeze, we geared up and headed out. We were wearing white cloaks that would cover our bodies, and more importantly, our weapons, so we could enter the town inconspicuously. They were basically togas, white sheets that were bunched up around our necks, so we could put it over our mouths, (kind of like what you'd expect someone in a desert to wear, except in white), that flowed over our entire bodies, hiding our blades and bows. Of course, they weren't meant to conceal that we had weapons, more what they were. What other group runs around carrying weapons made from dragon nibblets? The cloth itself was breathable, but warm so the cool ocean breeze didn't chill us. I hope the disguise works.
"Alright, papers please." A guard pony asked upon looking at us. Papers? Oh fuck!
"Huh? Well, that's different. Why you wearing garb like that?" Damnit. Wait! I know!
"The desert orchid has no need of your 'papers', she goes where she pleases." Trixie picked up on my improv cue right away. We had been practicing improv before, how to make up a believable story on the spot. I basically just set her up as a dune princess. Explains the cloak, as we would have been wearing something like this to keep the sand away, as well as why she's riding me.
"Desert orchid or not, This is a military base. I need to know who you are and your business in these waters, as well as how you came to be here." Come on Trix, do your thing. It's what you were born to do. Lie till your tongue turns black.
"And peon, who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? I am Karin, the princess of the southern dunes and priestess of the singing cloud. My business in my own. I go where I please, now out of my way." I watched the inspection officer gulped and backed away, visibly shrinking under the 'Desert Princess's' gaze.
"M'lady, I apologize, you should not have had to strain your tongue in dealing with this common rabble. I will glady accept any punishment you see fit my my failure." I hung my head low.
"Nazeem, you have always served me faithfully. Your folly is forgiven, this time." She gave a smirk as we sauntered past the stunned guard, the rest of my crew following.
"Well well, Karin, nice work."
"Thank you Nazeem, despite what you might believe, I listen when you talk of your home, especially the cultures. Since you made me out as a 'desert orchid', I figured I'd give us eastern names." She laughed.
"See? It pays to be prepared for this kind of thing. I suspect you all know your roles? The silent guards. We'll just investigate this a bit, then we'll head out, it won't take too long."
We wandered through the town, getting a couple glances, but, since Etch and Growl drew their spears on either side, Gilda was up front, and Nadene behind in a kind of armored car formation, all the while everyone looking as regal as possible, they weren't the 'bad' kind of glances. They were the curious, interested glances, wondering what someone like that might be doing here. We were approached by a grey stallion, with a fancy moustache and the rich snob air about him. Green mane, Rarity would hate him.
"Princess Karin, m'lady! It is such an honour for you to visit our humble port. I am Mayor Highclass, and this is my assistant, Quill." He motioned to a typical book-keeper pony, nerd glasses, oily mane, never been in the sun.
"Please, accompany me to my manor and allow me to show you and your guards some hospitality, you have traveled a long way." He bowed to kiss her hoof. She looked quite taken with his offer.
"M'lady, need I remind you we have a schedule to keep?" I didn't like where this was going. She leaned down to whisper to me.
"Grif, we're trying to find out more about this place, wouldn't it be best to take him up on his offer?"
"Yeah, but that's only a side goal, we don't really need this, although, we could get some supply here, if you know what I mean."
"I'm always up for theft."
"Alright, we'll do it." I turned my head away and looked saddened.
"Many apologies Highclass, Nazeem here seemed to have forgotten his place. All corrected quickly however." Trixie smiled.
"Aha! A mare of action and strength, quite respectable. We must always make sure the common filth know their place. Please, follow me." He trotted ahead, the crew taking up the formation again to put distance between the two of them.
"Grif, is this a good idea?" Gilda whispered back.
"He's smitten with Trixie, so, we're gonna use that to take him for everything he's willing to give."
"Alright, if you're sure."
"Of course I'm sure, with all of us here, what could go wrong?"
"Ah yes, my home, welcome. Make yourselves comfortable. I shall bring tea momentarily." He left to go get the offered drink. We spread ourselves out.
"Changed my mind, Trix, I don't like this. He's a creeper, and not one of the exploding ones. I'd prefer them to this guy. He gives me a nasty vibe." They all looked at me, wondering what a green exploding creeper was, before dismissing it as a human thing.
"I agree, I don't like this." Nadene added.
"It'll be fine." She reassured us. Highclass returned a few minutes later, carrying cups for all of us, plus himself.
'Odd, we're just the guards, servants, why do we get tea?' Etch, Growl, and Nadene picked up their cups and each took a sniff before putting them down, not taking a drink. Trixie levitated hers up and began to sip from it.
"Well now, Princess Karin, the Desert Orchid, Priestess of the singing cloud, what brings you to my humble town?" He asked.
"I would hardly call it humble. A rather fantastic town, the base of operations for Equestrian military on the islands is it not?"
"Ah, indeed, I see you have a sharp eye and wit. No doubt you are a fine ruler of... where was it again?"
"The southern dunes. Across the great desert." She looked a little nervous at all the questions he was asking, so she took another sip of tea. It only made her sweat more. For some reason, he was sweating as well. That's strange, he's used to the temperature here.... so are we..... and we're not sweating. I don't like it.
"Ah, yes, how foalish of me to forget. I can't help but notice you didn't dock at port, how did you come to arrive here?" Shit, he's on to us! He's sweating because the rest of us didn't touch our drinks! He drugged it!
"Mr. Highclass, I think a better question is what did you put in our tea?" He recoiled when I said that, Trixie spitting out the mouthful she had and dropping her cup.
"Nazeem, or, should I say, Griffin the griffin, I was told you were a pirate. Pirates are usually dumb brutes are they not?"
"Only the dead ones." Everybody jumped up, drawing their weapons and getting into battle stance.
"Oh please, sit, have some tea." He stomped his hoof on the ground, a VERY large number of royal guards surrounding us from the adjacent rooms. The dogs growled, Nadene hissed, Gilda and I scowled, Maria tensed, about to flee. Trixie slept.
"Very clever mayor. Drugging us to sleep so you could take us into custody. You have to be the least stupid person to try and catch us yet. Although, that's not saying much since they've all been morons up till now. Except that we didn't fall for it. Well, except Trixie, but she had a role to play."
"Yes, that is unfortunate, although, with all the exits sealed off, and the room filled with guards, how do you plan to escape?" He hummed merrily. I drew my sword and pointed it at him. The guards lowered their stances.
"One step closer and the mayor gets a new haircut. By the way, I have no idea how to cut hair, I might make a mess." They all stepped back, keeping themselves on guard.
"You must know that you cannot escape from here." He laughed.
"Well, we'll just see about that. I am wondering something though, how'd you know it was us?"
"Simple, because I happen to know the princess of the southern dunes. She passed through here three years ago looking for an old friend, and she was NOT a pony. I came down to meet her, and to my surprise, it wasn't her I saw. It wasn't all that hard to put the facts together. If I had not known her from before, I would have never figured it out." He explained.
"So, lady luck decides she doesn't like me after all. That's depressing, I thought I was on good terms with chance. A good plan you have here, but poorly executed I'm afraid."
"How so? I have you in the center of the city, surrounded by guards. You can't possibly fight your way out through this many." He stated. I saw a familiar bundle of clouds in the distance, slowly moving over the town.
"Ventus."
"What? What does that mean?"
I swung my sword, leading with the flat. I used my sword to create a gust like a fan, then amplifyed it. It blew a fair mass of guards out of the way of the window, which we then dove through. Shimmer popped out just as Gilda left to send a spout of fire into the room, not enough to make it catch, but enough to cause them all to recoil for a moment. I grabbed a blood vial, drank it, and recharged my sword.
"Obscuro." And we vanished. As soon as the guards had stopped shielding their eyes from the smoke and flame, we were gone. We flew to the clouds, landed on the ship, and slowly drifted away from the town unseen due to our vapor cover.
"Well Trixie, nice of you to wake up."
"Wha, what happened?"
"Mr. Highclass offering us hospitality.... IT'S A TRAP! As it turns out, he actually KNOWS the princess of the southern dunes of the great desert. We made up a story, but had no idea of it's relation to the real world. I didn't see any desert on the map though...."
"Well, most don't know what's down south. Maybe a few do, but they aren't sharing, and it hasn't been explored enough to chart it." Gilda explained.
"Well, kind of sucks our cover was blown. We gotta be more careful in the future, and don't eat or drink anything we didn't make ourselves. For us, it pays to be paranoid."
"Sorry Grif, I, screwed up didn't I?" Trixie looked sad.
"Yeah, but, don't worry about it. So, we didn't learn anything about this port, and we didn't get any supplies out of Highclass, and we almost got caught, so what? You've been doing good so far, we all run out of luck eventually and have to figure another way out of it. So, coming here was a complete waste of time. It happens. Which is why we're always there to bail each other out. Everybody messes up. And, it's just as much my fault for giving us a bad alibi and going along with him. There's just some stuff you can't plan for."
Dear Princess Luna,
Today I learned that no matter how hard you try to plan for the future, no matter what preparations you make, not everything is within control. Basically,
Shit happens.
And when it does, when you mess up, you can count on your friends to help you out.
Sincerely, Trixie.
Ps: Twilight writes your sister friendship reports, I think I'll write you some of my own.
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What could go wrong? Famous last words.
Ehehe... I can just imagine the looks on the guards faces. "Where'd they go? What the hell?!"
Luna is best recipient of progress reports!
I like it...Shit Happens...catchy
578173 What could possibly go wrong?
578221 you made me remeber the assassins creed 2 rap
it was funny the whole
"HEY!, where did that guy go?
climbin up the building hangin from the window!"
it was funny
and one more thing
I blame all the things that dont go acording to plan on someone we all know
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2cw0ngtZ11qdmt0s.gif
Trixie friendship reports.
Shit Happens, All the Time All Day Long
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
"What could go wrong?" - What I say right before doing something very stupid..... LIKE THE TIME THAT I ROLLED AROUND ON BROKEN GLASS! ....I'm still not sure why I thought it was a good idea.....
creepers, nasty things. never liked them. coming out of nowhere and blowing up your stuff
I'd like to see griff try to explain minecraft to them
Nazeem.... wait, was that a skyrim reference?
I would have thought Trixie would have been a little more suspicious, having been with Griff and the gang for a long enough time. I guess she just got carried away with her performance...And I seem to recall the last time that happened she was pretty much run out of a town as well.
Nice chapter, by the way
578409 No, it wasn't. It was one of those unintentional things that just happens to line up.
578445 The titel... Do you mean Lies and Slander, or am I just that reatarded at 01.58 in the morning?
578488 Friggin typo....
578261 Murphy's law?
578445 Damn, a noble in Whiterun is named Nazeem. I murdered him though, I hate him - he's the Prince Blueblood of Skyrim, except that he isn't a prince.
578521 Oh Right! Do you get to the cloud district very often? Oh, what am I saying, of course you don't.
Bitch, I visit the Jarl every freaking day! I'm the THANE.
I smell a Pirates of The Caribbean reference :P
If not? Still awesome :3
578173 right up there with " this plan is fool proof" and " don't worry I know what I'm doing"
Remember Griffin, when Admiral Ackbar says its a TRAP!, it is with out a doubt, a TRAP!!!!
this is ironic because as i was reading this Forrest gump was playing in th' other room, around th' part where he steps in dog shit while running, and that's exactly what i thought when i read th' scene with th' gaurds.
578731
(Idea for a business)
Admiral Snackbar,
It's a wrap!
578833
I like the idea of Trixie writing Luna reports
I feel so badass getting all the references in this story.
( ▪▁▪)
( ▪▁▪)>┌■-■
( ■_■)
...................*sigh*
also, I hate it when I find an email saying you updated three hours after I got it. RAWR.
Trixie's Reports: Pirated Friendship
The Pirate Side of Friendship
The Dark Side of Friendship
Friendship is Piracy
This gives me an idea for a piece of fan-art. Too bad I have little to no art skills.
So if the princess of the dune wasn't a pony, what kind of creature is she?
another great chapter
578263
Dont you mean....
[img]1333537013-dinkleberg[/img]
578512 Not entirely.
Murphy's law states that anything that can go wrong Will go wrong.
The: "What could possibly go wrong?" Phrase is a literary technique, that if a character says that, expect shit to go down.
After reading the bit about Trixie not being able too watch the 'Feast'
please put this into a chapter
I had a brilliant idea
Griffin cooks bacon
The reactions would be amazing
578545 Heh, now you remember! I just gave him an arrow to the knee, or so to speak, once I got sick of his arrogance. I digress, but how did you kill him if you did?
580050 yeah.... But what could go wrong with using Murphy's law?
"What could go wrong?"
Never, ever, EVER say that! Cmon Griff! You're supposed to be savvy about this stuff. That sentence is like a "summon cluster-****" button.
578411
So true :D
I liked this chapter, not as overly bloody as previous ones, but still funny
I think the line "What could possibly go wrong" is cursed by some abyssal demon... or other...
2.bp.blogspot.com/-3f8nlZluRgk/TnWM4ZGlCcI/AAAAAAAAAAs/MrVSAKjhK30/s45/185px-FluttershyShrug.png
581809 Laws of causality.
I'm just amazed Griffin hasn't realized that essentially he invented his own Fus Roh Dah.
And I'm amazed I bothered commenting instead of hurriedly reading the next chapter of this awesome fic.
hm moving to the jungle islands, that's something i don't consider them to do, personally i like the idea of a northern mountains kingdom more than a jungle one, it just seams so much more mystick and reminiscences of old times.
not that i mathers tham much thou, and i think the southern hemisphere will play some part in this later on, apparently there is a kingdom/civilization down there.
578173 Glad you know of the achievement "Mid-Sentence Smackdown." How to get it? "Never, EVER tempt fate."
Have to say, I really hate Nazeem. So much. "Oh, what am I saying? Of course you don't." Only thing more aggravating than that in Whiterun is "MAGGOTS! WRITHING!"
578173 Want to know some more? 'Oops'
twilight gives good and nice friendship reports,
trixie gives hard and realistic friendship reports.
578173
Oh goody, someone else knows of my favorite list!
"This isn't poisonous, right?"
"Is that a-"
"Oh come on, dragons can't possibly be that tough."
"Pardon me sir, I didn't do it on purpose."
"See, I told you I was sick."
"Alright, if you're sure."
"Of course I'm sure, with all of us here, what could go wrong?"... what could go wrong?.... what could go wrong?
578173>>1138165
OOH, here's another two!
"Dragon? What dragon?"
"Yes, son, its exactly like masturbation." (do. not. ask.)
Wait, white robes, the scholars, awesome exit, and a brotherhood. You just made AC in MLP.
Props to you man
1185437 Too bad, I'm asking.
What's exactly like masturbation?
639745 "Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Ah, what am I saying, of course you don't." *Impales the smug bastard on a pike* "TAKE IT BACK!!!!!"
578173
True, but that's also how adventures and legends normally start.
578173 Here, hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'.