• Member Since 30th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 58 minutes ago

Duelist96


Retired writer of almost anything. Lover of RariDash and background ponies.

Comments ( 496 )

Could use some spit shine editing but otherwise it seems good to me lots of potential

Ha, nice

Its kinda hard to keep up with so many characters that are OC my limit is three or four if the writer implements it well enough.

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I kind of wanted to give myself a little challenge. I will put little notes to show which character POV it is on at the moment.

Kinda fast paced with a few grammar errors. Other than that, it's good.

This has potential to be a very good story, but I have a few suggestions. First, slow down! Add some more details, descriptions of places, stuff like that. Secondly, use some commas! They really help with the flow of the story.

You have a good premise, just needs a little work!

woah, ten people in equestria. That was a nice story I give you a like, a brohoof, and a potatoe, keep up the good writing my friend

this is good keep it up

Lab
Lab #9 · Jan 5th, 2014 · · 3 · Prologue ·

This almost screams self-insert daydream. Your pacing was horrendous, switching from slower than dial-up to 'I want to finish writing this chapter in the next ten minutes.' The characters are as bland as your descriptions and despite only being four thousand words, it felt like it droned on for hours.

Step back, take a deep breath, and decide if you want to write a story or just think about it. There are a number of useful sites to improve your writing skills. In fact, there's actually a great guide right here on the site.

This has much potential. If it were me, I would split it up into different chapters for each character POV. That is just a suggestion though.

Give me more!!!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

has a chance but... you write like a play by play instead of a story

awesome my friend

This is truly awesome

This is great! YEAH DOCTOR!

This story is made of pure win.

Fucking ponies

Is James going to be in this?

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No he will not. The ten OCs in this story are only some but James will not show up.

Nice chapter. I can't wait for the next ones!

I was almost expecting Marcus to spit in the guards face, oh THAT would have made a scene:rainbowlaugh:

3845425 Just what I said, fucking ponies. I hate them

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I'm confused. Do you still like the story or do you not like it anymore?

3845875 Oh no, I love it. I hate ponies tho

Doing good so far, keep it up! Also, you write my OC really well. I'm glad that I made the right choice :pinkiehappy: Bro Hoof to ya

Good job again,Duelist!Another great chapter!

Oh man, the shit will hit the fan soon because of that last part! :derpyderp1:

“The greatest purpose that this could serve, we are going to get our friends back and be happy like we used to be.”

Does that mean they will lose their powers? :fluttershysad:

I need MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did Marcus, Andrew, Luke and Blake lose their powers?

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No you can't lose infection powers.

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That is nice! :twilightsmile:
They could do so many good things with them!

Yea acid touch and giant claw hand are great to be had in a mostly peacful world. -buster

Not only did Celestia decide to split them up, now she will watch them through her guards. This could not possibly get any worse. And what was that about Tartarus? Good chapter by the way!

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Tartarus is their version of hell

Love this so far but that expirement part was dark as heaffle. Keep going! -buster

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I know that, but was she threatening to send them to Tartarus if they refused?

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I see. They never got to return their less-human friends to a more-human state at all.

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It' going to be a building process. Relationships form at different times.

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Oh, and will they see each other at some parts?

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Thank you for the answers, this story is betting better and better! Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

This is why I fucking hate Celestia. She is a massive control bitch

I just realized that no one is staying with Rarity:pinkiegasp:now this is surprising

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Just wait because I think some people will find the relationships interesting.

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