Even years after the final episode of Friendship is Magic, bronies are still around, not just in the USA, but in other countries as well.
So when a German brony starts to turn into a pony on his twenty-fifth birthday, he doesn't just panic. There are more important things to do, after all, like learning magic spells, meeting new people and ponies... and singing.
Note: Underlined text means that it's translated from German, for your convenience.
Awesome coverart was done by the just-as-awesome chasm03, aka Moxie. 
Set in the universe of TwistedSpectrum's amazingly amazing Five Score, Divided by Four, with some inspiration from Rebonack's side story Wonderbolt Down.
Many thanks to DontAskForCookie for prereading the first chapters.
Chapters (10)
Gotta say, I quite like this so far. Let's see if I can do that constructive criticism thing. Without rambling. Or becoming incoherent.
. Though... you may in fact be rushing the story. I think you are having stage 3/4 (ears + tail [usually afternoon second day]) on the first day. Not certain. Eh.
Hmmm... that may be difficult.
Grammar/punctuation/spelling: Good, A+ as far as I can see. Very well done Mechanically.
Storyline/plot: good so far, however it may be just a touch rushed. Not to the point that it lessens the story, in my opinion, but still. It may just be that I am over used to 100,000+ word stories
I like what interaction you have between the characters so far, it helps paint personalities and scenes very well, though more of those would be nice. You may want to expand more on the birthday party, the story kinda rushes through there and it is prime real-estate for character development, along with introductions to friends/family that could be important down the road. Also, is seems like a staple of 5s/4 stories is to have more people around the MC transforming (with rare exceptions) and there is no sign of that (may be a symptom of the whole skipping a half day thing [If I wasn't just imagining that]).
All in all, a pretty good story so far imho, and i hope to see more. I hope that this review was at least readable and somewhat helpful and not full of... substances that are unpleasant.
3117326
Thank you very much for your criticism.
Now let's see if I can explain myself...
It's true that we're already a ways into the transformation. However, it's also already shortly past midnight on May Third. When I started the story I remembered that Rainbow Dash's date of birth was close to midnight in May First. It wouldn't make much sense for my character to be cursed before the Elemtents were (especially with the backstory) and surprisingly it's a take on the transformation that I haven't seen in the other stories I've read yet. (Though now that I think about it I realize that I neglected time zones in that calculation... D'oh)
Anyway, interaction and the birthday party... I skipped the party because there really wasn't anything interesting about it. I can't write things that I find mundane or boring for my life, and it would have been a pain for me and the reader (incidentally, it's probably for the same reason that the story might look a little rushed; I usually skip most parts that aren't important or funny). I will probably show his family, but I still have no clue how to best go about it.
Other ponies... You didn't miss any signs. My explanation is that there are less ponies in Germany than there are in the USA. Dave doesn't have that many close friends and none of them is turning into a pony. We will see other ponies after the transformation is complete, though.
Once again, thank you for the critic. I think that's the most constructive comment I've ever gotten on a story.
3117552 I think I see where some of my confusion on the timeline is coming from. Is Dave's birthday early on the second? 'Cause nowhere do you mention the date, and I thought it was slightly past midnight on the second rather than the third at the end of Ch2. As in, ~0030 hours 5/2/2020 rather than ~0030 5/3/2020 like you are saying. I assumed his b'day was 0432 5/1/2020. Other than that, it all makes sense so far. Keep up the good work.
3117596
I hoped that people would catch that small sentence, or just pick up on the fact that 0432 5/1/2020 sounds too early. I guess it's easy enough to miss.
3117733 (<.<)(>.>) pay no attention to the inattention below.... it is but a clever ruse to get the author to give his work a good look... That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. Lol, sorry bout that. tbh, I probably saw that and immediately forgot, it's often just luck for me to simply remember my name.
3117754
I wouldn't be able to easily memorize "Thraxus908" either.
A very good start. Loved that chapter end. "Hey, remember me? From five seconds ago? *Starts using new ears as signal flags.* I want a secondary opinion."
Sadly I don't think I have more to add, at the moment... but you got my interest at least. Consider this fav and up-voted.
3119558
That's more than enough, I'm always glad to see comments. That chapter end is the kind of thing I write for. I love writing stories through implications... You know, letting readers figure things out by the consequences.
...That and cliffhangers. Nothing better than a triple-layered cliffhanger to end a chapter on.
Nutella!
Far less grammar issues than I expected, and well written. I like how the character is turning into a pony somewhat quicker, with less description of the process than most others. It's nice to move quickly through the boring part everyone knows.
3122256
I'm glad you like my to-the-point approach.
I have to admit that I have no idea for a good endgame yet... I might just wait for TS' story for that.
But until then the parts will definitely be not-boring (I hope). I've taken some inspiration from Rebonack's Wonderbolts Down, for example.
And thank you for complimenting my grammar. I'm quite proud of that.
I like that the guy's reaction to realizing that he is inexplicably mutating is to go to the hospital. I mean, why the hell would anyone do anything different in that situation? He's probably one of the most reasonable of all the 5s/4 characters.
I also like that that doctors and such are actually good people that are trying to help him, instead of inexplicably evil assholes who want to cut him up or experiment on him for no real reason.
3172229
To be fair, Bic Mac went to the hospital and look what happened to him.
It might also have something to do with the country. A lot of TV shows and movies have the message that if something supernatural happens to you in the USA, the government isn't really out to throw you a Welcome-To-
PonyvilleUSA party.I live in Germany though, and I have to say, I really do trust my government.
Also, Germans have insurance. It's the law here that everyone must have at least the most basic insurance, and the government makes sure that everyone is able to afford it. So if anything happens, a German's first reaction is usually: Hm, think I should visit a doctor about that?
P.S.: Oh, and thankyouthankyouthankyou for the comment! I get far too few of those.
3172229 My answer to that: Have you watched Men in Black, where they blow up things that aren't human. Yeah... do you want that to happen to you?
3173280 NO FAIR DUDE YOU WRITE WAY BETTER THAN ME RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3179770
I can't help it, I just love writing cliffhangers, plot twists, pouncing jokes and obscure backstories. Sometimes everything else just seems like fillers to me.
3179834 Sigh
Is this Professor an alternate version of Discord or what?
3183386
It's how Discord works off his community service.
Seriously though, it's his pony disguise. Taking this pony form was the only way he could get the remaining ponies to trust him and lead them to safety.
My favorite bit
3189532
I offer you one "slow clap" sir, its my favorite bit you have done so far.
(btw, this is in regards to your unpublished chapter)
3189624
I've never gotten a "slow clap" before.
If you're interested, Discord is not the only villain I've written about recently. And I have a much better and larger headcanon for the other one in mind.
At the beginning I was a bit concerned that this will be just another Human in Equestria story but this is way better
)
Really entertaining and funny. Well done.
I spotted some mistakes (at least I think they were mistakes.....
Maybe this isn't a error but then I have a questions. What in the world is a "shtick"?
Was this wanted? Whooves into Whooves?
3194767
Shtick: Substitute for "trick", "show" or generally "thing", if you want to sound fancy, funny, or just like saying the word.
And I know I wasn't trying to sound fancy.
I'm glad you like the story so far. And yes, the "hooves" part was indeed wanted. I put a few small slip-ups into the story, and that one was probably the most notable. There are some mental changes going on beside the physical ones, and those slip-ups are the result. You wouldn't to know that, since you don't know the background of the whole FiveScoreverse. (kudos if you find the spot where Dave unintentionally talked Equestrian/English)
P.S.: Two more treats that won't come up yet are here and here. Password is "steps".
3194813
You and your super smart wording
3194826
English isn't even my native language.
I learned most of the grammar in school just fine, but I got my extended vocabulary almost completely by reading webcomics. Might be the reason why I can't stay serious at anything.
3194833
)
I can totally relate to that! It isn't my native language but still I love speaking, reading and writing in english more than my native language, which is german like yours by the way (I think yours is german, thats what I think by what you have written on your page
I expect some awesome chapters with this!
I don't really know whats going on in here but I am damn nervacided (I hope it's written like this) too see where this is in the story
3194927
Another German brony?
That's right, I live and procrastinate here in good ol' Nordrhein-Westfalen. I even managed to go to GalaCon this year.
P.S.: "Nordrhein-Westfalen"... try to pronounce that one, Americans, and be glad I don't live in "Schleswig-Holstein", "Thüringen" or "Baden-Württemberg"
3194959
I wasn't able to come......
I was at Wacken and couldn't go the next day....
Maybe in some years I will be able to. That would be so awesome.
Thats a mighty fine chapter you got there.
The best part in my opinion
I should work with this plan more often
3202587
It's a foolproof plan!
And if it doesn't work I still have the recipe for my special soda that will make me rich and famous:
Water
Sugar
Bubbles
???
3194984
Wacken was worth it, was there as well. For me metal > pony.
And yes I'm from Germany as well (NRW).
3206393
NRW, huh? What part?
(My stories seem to attract metalheads... interesting...)
3207196
From the Cologne area, but atm I'm studying in Aachen.
3207543
Well, I'm from the area around Lüdenscheid and studying in Münster.
Epic
Oh yes! I tried to sing along your lyrics with the songs. It worked pretty well. My favourites are "Don't be afraid" and "Finding Twilight and her crown". You just won with the Aviators remix there
That was spectacular!!
3349689
Why, thank you.
Just wait until they have a part in the actual story; at least three of those songs are actually quite important to the plot.
Mother of Celestia I'm jelly...You're so good
3194959>>3206393
How cool is that, I'm from NRW too!
3378426
Awesome!
Anywhere near Lüdenscheid or Nordkirchen/Münster?
3378439
Nope, I live near Mönchengladbach, right at the dutch border.
3378532
Ah, well. Still, always good to see another German brony.
It also gave me the push to finally join that group.
3378541 Yeah, I would love to find a Brony where I live
But that's what the Internet's for, am I right?
3378571
Ever looked at bronies.de?
Searching there gives me some results for Mönchengladbach.
3379067 Yeah, I actually just joined.
An update! And an awesome looking one too!
)
I don't know why but this "Tarascha" fellow sure seems like a nice guy (
The next chapter will include a song? Oh yeah, get out the mics and sing with me!