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holy shit
this looks amazing
so much work put into it too
Looks like this is a lot to read! Sweet.
3003534
3003575
I hope you guys enjoy it.
huh... ... ... ... that was interesting... ... ... bed time now.
3003731Well, it was...interesting? I think that is a good way to describe it. Also, very.....captivating.
loved it! keep up the good work!
static1.e621.net/data/sample/6d/de/6ddeb107ad79a03523b594baf3439761.jpg
This had great detail it was horrofing but it was great work
This was so dark and brutal that it was beautiful to read.
It was a darkly brutiful story.
Goodbye sleep, hello insanity.
I'll be honest, most of the things in the story seem like they came from the kinds of horror movies that tend to put me to sleep half an hour in. However, that didn't stop me from enjoying the story for the most part.
If anything, I feel like the story could've done without the sex scene in the middle of it all. It just seemed kinda unnecessary when the story around it had virtually nothing to do with sex. That's just me, though.
Otherwise, well done. If there are any plans for future stories like this, then I'll be looking forward to them.
Well played pinkie, well played. However, I will have the last laugh
Okay... well, thank you for the nightmares...
I made the poor choice of reaeing this while in bed getting ready to sleep lol.
3004593
You arent the first one to say that. I may omit it if I ever rewrite it, since it seems out of place. However I did write this on 4chan, so that was a bit better recieved, thank you for the input anyway.
3004593>>3005946
Sorry if the horror isnt up to par, it was my first shot at something like this, I didnt fully know how to make it really scary. Thank you guys for being honest.
Best choice ever. Reading this while eating a Steak and it was delicious
If it makes sense you have ruined my life with this (amazing) story
3006982 Your profile pic... it just suits this story so well.
wow, Cartman would be proud. All he did was make chili
I felt pretty much everything reading this. false hope, shock,
pain *sympathy pain and lots of it*, and a sense of Pinkie
being at every corner.
More trixie demands more!!!!!!!
Read this at like 4 in the morning. It's okay, sleep can be put off for another day... maybe a week, just to be safe....
Three things:
1: it's 10pm
2: I totally don't need sleep
3: this fic made my day
thanks
3003916
I wouldn't do that if I were you. Something about demonic smile...
Pretty decent I must say, though a number of the horror scenes came off as rather cliché and kinda detracted from things in their execution, moreover the plot itself was incredibly straightforward and the lack of plot twists ruined most of the developed tension. I'm going to guess this is your first attempt at horror? I could give you more in depth advice if you're interested, but for now.
I must say that I did still quite like this, in fact I think I'll need to have a cold shower... Got me rather hot and bothered.
3018674
It is my first attempt indeed. I tried to get advice around the interwebs, but nothing really came my way. Any advice you could give would be highly appreciated.
3019049
Gimme a bit then, gonna have to wall-o-text this. Not that it's like, bad mind you, just to be proper.
The first thing that came to mind, is, unsurprisingly, your location for starting the story. Horror, like anything else, needs contrast in order to develop immersion.
The issue here is the fact you did this story in the second person, which is great for immersion if well executed: But you specifically started after the death of the protagonists parents. Who are they exactly? Vague characters with no real development, personality or description that the reader has no reason to care about. I know this is probably so that viewers can self-insert their own parents in there, but it really doesn't work here. I would of recommended to swapping to third person-limited narrative as atmosphere is the primary thing you'll be wanting to work on when you do horror. You can pull this off in second person, but it is much more difficult. Second of all, as you need contrast, I heavily, heavily recommend that you start with life as normal, or close to.
Good horror requires a mix of atmosphere, hope, creepiness, suspense, surprise, logic, subtlety and bluntness.
Your current start kinda kills most of these elements.
Grammatically, this was a bit redundant. I recommend fixing that.
But there's a second issue: As a reader, the second I read this line, in tandem with meta knowledge, namely the description and the cover art. It made it fairly apparent that she was the mastermind behind everything, and the killer. Now, if, say, the story let me keep thinking that then pulled the situation around in a twist that only makes sense in hindsight then that would be surprising. You need to keep your readers off balance, you need them to question the characters, the scenery, the objectives and even the nature of the antagonist. Being creepy is much more valuable in writing than 'scares'.
Do keep in mind, Creepiness is essentially when you see something, and just... know that there is something is off about it, but you can't place your finger on why. A burn victim kicking down your door and waving around a machete isn't creepy, it's scary. Waking up and finding a smiling doll in the foot of your bed is creepy. It shouldn't be there, it's unsettling, but it's just a child's toy on your bed. Get it? You need to build up creepiness with the contrast of hope so that the reader doesn't get used to it, combined with plot twists and development to keep them unsure of what will happen next. That, at that point, is when you go for something scary, something direct, something blunt.
Unfortunately, I could tell you how this story would end just from reading up to this point, that isn't surprising, that's not scary, that's not creepy. The threat is immediately obvious and continues to be so.
This really just cements things. Now we have a specific time until we know the character will die. Yes, die, it's already apparent that it is what she wants.
When I was a kid I read a novel where a small child took place in a kindergarten event where they attached notes to balloons and asked the recipient to mail back a picture of where the balloon ended up.
The kid got a lot of images, eventually he realized that they were all pictures of him, they just had such minor pieces of his body appearing in them that it wasn't very apparent, it stalked him for years, basically an obsessive hobo. What did he want? It wasn't clear until the very end when the antagonist was dug out of a grave with the body of a neighborhood kid that was dressed up to look like the protagonist. Obsession with the child, purely platonic, but it was obsessive love nevertheless. It was creepy, it suddenly gave context to all the things he did, from driving over the girl he had a crush on and stealing his crushes phone and having text conversations while RPing as her. To stalking him in the woods and sleeping under his bedroom.
But it was never really apparent until the ending, it was creepy, the confrontations were scary, and it's because of the mystery, the suspense, the deception, the startling intimacy. If you are going to write a horror story, you need a message, regardless how morbid or seemingly innocent.
This is why I suggest third person-limited.
Now, tell me: Which of these two statements seem to add more to a scary atmosphere?
Or.
You can't say something is 'evil' or 'terrifying' and have it be so, or at least you can't without the proper atmosphere and suspense build-up.
You need to describe, preferably with colorful metaphors and similes. Mostly metaphors though, as it leads to a stronger image.
This was your first successful scene. You showed them the main antagonist, or did you show you them the characters own paranoia? Was it a ghost? It's hard to say, it was unexpected, it didn't do anything, it was just there, then it wasn't. Combined with the maids earlier statement about preferring to work in the dark, it makes the reader ask questions, and throws a bit of a wrench into the entire situation. Maybe the maid isn't alive because she is the killer, maybe she is alive because she understands what is lurking in the darkness?
Though of course, considering how the protagonist describes the maids facial expression, having a vocabulary that is seemingly limited to describing smiles as horrific or unsettling it does kind of ruin the impact a fair bit. As does the 'telling over showing' method. But I've already addressed that.
Technically, a deadpan voice is considered unprofessional in this field. Also, there's... I have this pet peeve about authors using the numerical symbol over the written form of the number in stories. Is it really that hard to type out 'eight'? Though of course that is still a personal choice.
Uh, didn't she already give her answer on the subject earlier in the story?
This just starts to feel like foreshadowing, rather blunt foreshadowing at that. It's like the story is hitting me in the face with a fish while shouting, "SHE'S THE KILLER! ARE YOU SCARED YET?!" Which, as I mentioned before, isn't very scary. It could be if this was a movie, or a real-life enactment. But stories are different.
This had me really hoping you'd be doing more with the darkness concept, it's hardly new, but it would be unexpected, while you ultimately did do a bit more, the execution was a bit lackluster, but I'll get to that later.
You forgot a ' here.
Here and here as well. I really recommend getting your proofreader to read up on contractions. I'll stop pointing these out now.
The meta! It buuuuuuuurns! Anyone who has read or even heard of cupcakes should know exactly where this is going... or anyone able to understand this fishslap of a statement. At this point, the logical conclusion: She's gonna screw with the antagonist for a week, then kill him and harvest him for meat. Likely in the basement since this is so heavily referencing such as Cupcakes. And... Really, I wasn't surprised. Unfortunately, the story doesn't do a good job of keeping the reader off balance and surprised for the most part. Though, you do redeem yourself a bit later.
Scenes like...
Were fairly decently done, and definitely help to define the atmosphere, however, when you do them, you have a tendency to just chain paranoia into the same paranoia with little in-between and no real change of pace or result. Which ultimately, doesn't especially help things. But of course, I've already pointed out the need of suspense and keeping readers off balance, so it would be redundant here. I'm not saying these scenes are bad, just that they are placed a bit too close together and too frequently.
There is only a few very specific types of horror that fit into scenes like this: For those, antagonists are generally of the unstoppable variety. Deals with the devil, pacts with death, contracts with demons, slow and unstoppable world devourers. Things like that. A maid with a knife is hardly in that category.
I really liked these scenes, where you carefully blurred what actually happened with things that didn't, not revealing which was which until shortly after the end of the scene. They really helped to build tension in your story.
I really must admit, I loved your selection for lighting here, the execution could of been better, more dramatic, or what have you. Or even more relevant to the final story. But, the idea is great, and your execution did come off quite decently.
Good job!
...
... What, the main protagonist thinks he is now hallucinating the absence of things now?
Some people--generally writers--will tell you that you should show, not tell.
By all accounts, that is silly. You need to describe--or 'show'--what is important and state--or 'tell'--what isn't. In this case, greater description would be needed before it gets any real effect.
This... entire scene was horrifically cliche, unfortunately, horror, like any other genre requires more then throwing plot devices and tropes together. Which is unfortunately what that came across as.
"My illogical yet severe fear of music, whispering, cellars and girls all started when I was eight doctor..."
This is really when your writing starts to pick up. Wee.
To quote a wise anon on 4chan when reading a ghost story that eventually turned erotic. "OP, I'm not even scared anymore, just horny".
This scene did a great job of combining creepiness and horror, the oddly placed playful sadism, lust, and bi-polar frenzy. All really well done.
And once again, you throw the reader for a loop, part real, part nightmare, twists like that is really what keeps people in their seats.
A soft hand reaches down and picks up the phone off of the floor and brings it to her cheek.
Logic is essential in horror. Namely because, if you throw your readers or viewers a scene and they go "Wait, why would the protagonist be that stupid? Why would the killer be that incredibly incompetent? Physics doesn't work like that..." It kills immersion if it is noticeable. You need to manage your readers willing suspension of disbelief and have minor slights of logic for the sake of more effective storytelling.
In this sort of situation, it would be incredibly illogical that this call wouldn't be followed up on, for a number of reasons.
You forgot a ".
You know, that answer seems a bit unfitting in this context... just a bit... Ah well.
AAAH, PLATO'S REPUBLIC! AHHH, A MODERN DARK AGE! THE HORROR, THE HORROR!
... What? It's second person, isn't it? There's a really good reason that most second person stories are clop-fic one shots...
"Any chance I could get a couple more? I'm just short of enough laughs to get the large Trixie plush..."
From what, exactly? Literally every smile in this story has been described with some sort of synonym for 'Evil', it's getting redundant.
"Oh no, the fingers I can't see are cut in half!... Or maybe the tendons are cut... How am I aware of this again?"
The funny part is that it wasn't surprising at all since she just popped out of nowhere several times in a row.
Ultimately, the final 'death' scene, with the protagonist running around in the dark, naked, being carved up did serve well for a climax, that faint glimmer of hope when he ran free, a knife in his hand. Followed with it being extinguished as he was caught by Pinkie there. I can't help but feel that the forest scene would of been more appropriate if it was a short bit longer and filled with less confrontations.
3025906
I'd like to point out again that I did write this on 4chan, so the choice of the setting and the perspective were pretty well given already, since it was in the maid thread.
Also I do realize the showing vs. telling problem. I run into this a lot when writing 2nd person, it's a bit harder to do that in second person and not be too confusing in my experience.
But thank you for the advice. I'll keep it all in mind if I ever do this again.
3026518
I actually wasn't aware you wrote it there. In any case, you are welcome.
This get's Moon Shine's creeptastic rating of: Holy-fucking-shit-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you. Seriously. Also, how the hell did she manage to chop him in half with a meat cleaver? Last time I checked, spines are pretty damn thick. Also, this was actually very well written. The only problem I found was the occasional 'I' that was supposed to be an 'a'. Anywho, nice fic, blah blah blah, I'm just gonna go ahead and puke now.
This was creepy...I LOVED IT!! good job man! I can see this making a good horror game
Well then guess I won't be ordering the steak today lol. Very nice story you got here, creepy as all hell through.
This story is very predictable, but then again, it doesn't mean its horror and itself is (are?) bad. Basically, there are three factors that make this predictable:
1) Pinkamena Diane MOTHERFUCKING Pie
2) Title & description.
3) The setting itself. There is only Pinkamena over there to be blamed and, since this
manponyhumanoid sapient being is having physical manifestations of the hallucinations, then it surely means that someponyonething must be doing it.Yes, the story itself tries to break the "it's obvious that it's Pinkamena" every now and then with the hallucinations--almost succeeding at one particular point, where I almost changed "Pinks did it" to "ghosts did it"--even though we must take into account the fact that the
manponyprotagonist's dark sense of foreboding after seeing Pinks' smile for the first time could play a decisive factor as to what he'll hallucinate about.I would personally like this story more if the
manponylead character were to murder Pinks (who would turn out to be innocent all along) after he succumbs to his own madness. Going as far as to state that every unsettling smile he got from Pinks was an outright fabrication of his own mind.Or, something that just came to me, he would almost reach the point of murdering a crying, helpless Pinks, only to back off at the last minute when he realizes that he's going bonkers. Pinks takes this opportunity and gets the upper hand of the situation, revealing herself to be "the one" after all.
These are just some examples at how curveballs could be applied in this story.
Still, the atmosphere was spot on! The descriptions were as short/long as they needed to be (although I would've liked a bit more of Pinkamena interaction while he's awake). This was very good for your first try at this sort of thing.
3063513
Hmmm, thanks for the ideas. Ill try to stir things up my next go around.
Interesting... Interesting indeed. Not bad at all good sir. In fact, I'm looking for someone to collab on a horror story with. Might you be interested?
3074376
I might be. PM me with some details if you would like
...im scared and I havent ever read anything yet.....i'll pobably regret this decision
...........yup
3025906 That's one hell of an analysis.
...I really, really want to see a story with that premise. Reminds me of Amnesia: The Dark Descent.
Also:
Entirely true. In my opinion, horror/action and sex should never mix.
Otherwise, yeah, story was a bit creepy, but predictable. I'll admit, there was a part of me that wanted to see Pinkamena be innocent after all...
3125149
I am a novice pre-reader after all.
Honestly the idea itself is somewhat cliche. Not that of course, I'm faulting you for liking it, I just mean that the idea is done enough that you shouldn't have too much trouble finding a story under the premise.
3125360
Indeed, but if such a revelation is supposed to be a spoiler I'm not exactly going to find it in the summary, eh?
3126041
Depends on your capability for literary analysis. It will generally have tells, subtle though it may be.
*Scrolls through fics*....*Sees this* Oo! Pinkameana! *Finishes reading this* Wow...Just...Holy fuck...This is...Damn. Not sure if I should feel bad that I love this (
), or slightly sick (
)
That was enjoyable (That just shows you how fucked up I am). Very creepy, and gruesome. Just how I like it. Good job.
Bravo Zulu
I just... What the fuck... I... What?
3316974
At least I tried?
I feel like the end was a bit rushed and confusing, and I feel it could of been flushed out better. But other than that I thoroughly enjoyed this fic. 7.9 out of 10 in my opinion.
3668391
Thanks for the feedback! I plan on rewriting this one into something a bit longer with more horror in the future.
Dude... I knew I should've shot the bitch within the first hour.