Warning: Not friendly to those not familiar with the FTL: Faster Than Light universe/lore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The FTL beacon leads you to a planet similar to Earth. Scanners are showing intelligent life forms on a nearby planet. No match for them can be found in the database.
1. Investigate
2. Ignore it
>1. Investigate
>> You land a small shuttle in an enormous field, whose only occupants are small, brightly colored, horse-like animals. Could they be what your scans picked up?
PS. Choose one! They all are separate courses of action with different results.
Chapters (4)
Ever since I saw the reference to MLP in FTL I had been expecting this. Now I can stop looking.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDcvMTMvMjBfNTlfMzhfNDk5XzM3MzIwMV9fc2FmZV9waW5raWVfcGllX3Njb290YWxvb19hcHBsZV9ibG9vbV9zd2VldGllX2JlbGxlX2VkaXRfcGFyb2R5X2N1dGllX21hcmtfY3J1c2FkZXJzX3dhdF9jaGlja3VuX2FydGlzdF9jb2xvbl9vb2tsYWhfY2F0YnVzX3BvbnlidXMiXV0/373201__safe_pinkie%2Bpie_scootaloo_apple%2Bbloom_sweetie%2Bbelle_meme_edit_parody_cutie%2Bmark%2Bcrusaders_wat_forced%2Bmeme_chickun_my%2Bneighbor%2Btotoro_artist-colon-ooklah_catbus_ponybus.PNG
[After the crew had exited the shuttle,]
"Had" is not necessary.
[The Engi noted his comrades that the horses seemed to be clamoring over their arrived,]
Informed should replace noted, and arrival should replace arrived.
[Dejected, the human crew looked to his fellow crew for help. ]
Since a crew includes multiple members, it should be their instead of his.
[The Rockman stepped forward and attempted to communicate. ]
Rockmen, since they're a crew.
But it seems you mean crew-member, not crew... I'm confused.
[The Engi noted that several in the crowd had faint or fled into a nearby settlement.]
fainted should replace faint. Also, if the ponies were brave enough to watch the invaders initially, and not blind, their fleeing seems unlikely.
[Engi from seeing that his robotic movements, due to being made mostly out of nanobots, garnered amusement from the indigenous crowd.]
Anything made out of nanobots does not have robotic movements. Nanobots work much more easily with fluid movements, because, as a group, they could act as a fluid. Then again, it may be part of the game...
[The Engi continued his act, but it did not achieve much more than entertaining the horses.]
replace "entertaining the horses" with "entertainment for the horses".
:Please split up your massive second paragraph into multiple paragraphs, and decide whether there is one of each species, or an entire crew.
[Lyra, who was almost ready to exploded and charge one of the aliens in excitement.]
should be explode, not exploded.
["No Lyra, they may be aliens, but I'm telling you that humans don't exist." Lyra whined dejectedly.]
She's looking directly at a human, and has probably heard descriptions of humans from Lyra. And she's dragging her friend away from her fantasy, which is just cold. Third, I don't think she'd be able to stop Lyra.
[Fluttershy was in the market with saddlebags full of fruits, vegetables, assorted medical appliances when the aliens had arrived.]
You forgot an and before the last item in your list.
[he horde of ponies rushing to see the aliens had drag Fluttershy along and given her front seat tickets.]
Had drag -> dragged
given -> gave
[One look at the giant preying mantis with the bladed arms, though, had sent Fluttershy's world spinning and into darkness.]
Fluttershy deals with animals all the time, and has seen insects before. She's fed dead fish to otters. I see no reason why she would faint at the sight of an oversized preying mantis. In fact, in the comics, Fluttershy is amazed at two animals fighting to eat the main six, while everyone else is gagging.
[The aliens made some weird noise, but no pony minded. ]
Really? No Pinkie Pie? no Lyra? no Twilight Sparkle? no Applebloom? Nopony is going to kindly great the new visitors? Instead they just stare rudely in silence?
Jerks...
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMDcvMTYvMTFfMThfMTBfMjA2XzQ1ODkwX19zYWZlX3R3aWxpZ2h0X3NwYXJrbGVfYW5pbWF0ZWRfcGxvdF9lZGl0X3lhcmFuYWlrYV9hbmltYXRpb24iXV0/45890__safe_twilight%2Bsparkle_animated_plot_edit_yaranaika.gif
[The human was the last one on board the shuttle, but just before they closed the hatch, a purple horse--it had a horn on its head; a unicorn then-- had broken through the crowd and trotted up to him.]
This did not happen in the previous chapter. They all just left... it was rather unsatisfying...
[The human had been at the pointed end of the unicorn's horn for a fair duration of the trip.]
Rude...
[The human was about to draw his blaster and fry the damn thing before a husk of a ship appeared in the distance.]
Completely immoral...
[Several minutes later, the Kestrel disappeared with a shimmer and fled the system.]
Aaand they left again...
[Twilight's memory flashed back to when she was exploring a foreign object that had crash landed in the surrounding hillside. It's body was cold and lifeless. Perhaps the aliens would want to take it with them. It must have had a family worrying about it.]
...What? How does thought A go to thought B?
[She would not let him leave without that creature.]
Why not? This seems more like what Fluttershy would do.
2999364
Thanks for the input! I made some changes to the mechanical errors, but even though I agree with them, I feel that the more structural changes you've suggested won't fit the direction I'm taking this story, i.e. "novelizing" this: http://ftl.wikia.com/wiki/Intelligent_Lifeform_on_Planet
I haven't read the comics yet. Interesting to know that. Perhaps I'll slide that into another story.
2999378
1. Refer the my other comment. Also, in FTL each option won't always give you the same result.
2. Tis a danger universe; especially when you've got an entire space fleet that wants you dead on your heels. Time is not their friend. I realize you aren't familiar with the FTL universe/lore. I know this story isn't friendly to those who haven't played FTL and I intended it to be that way.
3. See point 2
4. Yea, I agree. Totally needs revision.
5. I don't imagine Fluttershy exploring a derelict ship, much less not being afraid of it.
3051453
1. Okay, it's still a bit confusing though. Perhaps you could label them as different options.
2&3. I understand the story not being friendly to people who are unfamiliar with FTL, I was just pointing out my thoughts on some things. The game looks interesting though, and I might buy it if I have an extra ten dollars some time.
5. Fluttershy might not explore it if she believes it's not an animal, and she might be afraid of it if she thought it might house a relatively large dragon. But if Twilight explored it and told Fluttershy about it, then I could see Fluttershy anthropomorphising the ship and forcing the crew to take care of it. It could even be funny if you write it the right way.
3054137
whoops lol
3054223
I think I just realized how the options worked. And now that I think about, you may be able to use a combination between unpublished view passwords and in-story links to have the whole story follow from a few options.
I'm waiting to see where this goes.
Just saying.
The minimum lenghth for a chaper should not be shorter than 800 words, and you should try for 2k.
Well then, I'm looking forward to more options. Makes me wish somepony would mod the game to allow for such an encounter... But then again, I'd burn even more hours on the game, and I don't really need that...
If there is a Slug crew member, they would have had a blue option to communicate telepathically.
Then the Rebel Fleet arrives.
So... why did it just complete now?
2998620 What reference?
4268993
Oops.
Now, I have to go!
The Flagship ain't gonna kill itself!
Though, that would be quite helpful.
3054223 Hey, where's my fourth option? I always have a Slug crew member with me for this one! (I don't know how I seem to always have a Slug in my crew by the time this event turns up, but I just always do.)
If you have a Slug in your crew, you get an extra option:
4. (Slugman Crew) Attempt to communicate telepathically.
Slug telepathy can cross any language barrier, for with a Slug establishing such a link, everyone hears the words in their own language. No exceptions.
So, I'll ask once again: Where's my Slug crew option? T'ten the Slug is mad that her people aren't mentioned at all in this! (Yes, I know Slugs are supposed to have no gender variances, but the names.xml file lists which names are female, and which ones are male. T'ten is listed as female only, and a crew member with that name will have the "male" tag in thier data set to "false", even if you can't tell the difference. The first time I got this event, I had a Slug named T'ten in my crew, so I chose option 4 and let her make the otherwise impossible become possible.)
Until you put option 4 up, that "complete" tag is a lie! Show the Slugs some love!