• Published 5th Aug 2013
  • 3,857 Views, 480 Comments

The Titan's Orb - Old Man Dusters

Callum lives a sad, violent life in the human world... But that is soon to change as he meet some unexpected visitors that will change his life.

  • ...

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Chapter Twenty Four - That's Your Funeral

“Mornin’ sugarcube.” I heard Applejack say.

I stirred and opened my eyes to see the farm pony standing above me, smiling warmly.

“You’re just a big cuddle monster ain’t you?” She giggled.

I looked down to see Fluttershy was still attached to me, her chin resting on my chest, sleeping sweetly and silently, she then stirred and her head rolled off my torso.

“I like my cuddles.” I replied, sticking my tongue out to Applejack.

Fluttershy woke up and stretched; I reached over and gave her chin a little scratch, causing her to squeak in delight, which resulted in Applejack clutching her chest with a ‘hnng’.

“Hello sunshine.” I chuckled.

She giggled and gave me a small nuzzle, before getting up and heading off to the toilet.
The second she was gone, Rarity slid up next to me.

“So, what was last night all about Lover Boy?” She teased.

“What?” I blurted out in confusion.

“The serious spooning session with Fluttershy, you held her like a lover would.” She chuckled.

“I am a cuddly sleeper; I was comfy, simple as.” I replied indignantly.

“If you say so…” She hummed cheekily.

Thankfully, Oliver burst into the room and changed the subject.

“Tea! Would a faggot like a tea?” He sang merrily.

I signalled him with a hand to confirm that I’d like a cuppa, Rarity also requested one, and he scooted off.

“So, what now?” Applejack asked.

“Chill out until Twinkie Sparky comes back.” I replied.

We all chuckled at Twilight’s new nickname, and headed downstairs for breakfast.

The day was a repeat of yesterday really, we watched films, played video games, ate food, and did absolutely nothing productive.
We'd ploughed through all three Call of Duty: Modern Warfare campaigns, which resulted in Rarity and Applejack getting seriously emotional during a scene in the third game, where the character John MacTavish died in his best friend's arms. Even though it was just a game, they started to understand the real concept of war.

That was when I remembered…

“I’ve just realised, my funeral’s tomorrow.” I said to the group.

“Now that’s gonna be awkward…” Applejack chuckled.

“I’ve got a nice tuxedo if you need one.” Oliver offered.

“I don’t think it’d fit, my shoulders are a lot more broad.” I replied.

“Show-off…” He muttered.

“So, how are you going to get to the funeral without being noticed?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I need a disguise.” I mumbled in deep thought.

“I could grow you a beard and dye your hair?” Rarity suggested.

“You could do that?” I asked, turning to face her.

“With ease.” She smiled.

I grinned and looked my brother in the eye, who looked back with the same smile, before we both quoted Hot Fuzz together in sync.


Rainbow Dash and Applejack burst into laughter and Rarity’s horn lit up.

“If you say so, Sargent Nicholas Angle.” She teased.

“It’s Angel!” Oliver snorted.

Rarity giggled as she cast her spell onto me, and my entire chin started glowing white and began to tickle.

“By the power of Greyskull…” I mumbled.

I then pretended to have He-Man’s sword, and raised my fist into the air.

I have the POWER!!!” I boomed as thick manly hair began to sprout from my face.

Oliver dropped to his knees in tears, howling with laughter.

“Now, hair colour?” Rarity asked when the magic wore off and Oliver calmed down.

“Jet black please.” I requested.

And with a swish and flick of her horn and a puff of blue-white sparkles, I looked like Daniel Radcliffe's lovechild with Santa Claus.

“Dude… That’s weird…” Dash mumbled.

“Trim?” Rarity asked.

“Yes please.”

Snip snip snip went most of the beard, resulting in a very nice goatee.

“Whoa, dude, you look kinda ho- uuhsome. You look awesome.” Dash blurted out.

I responded by biting my lip and giving her a teasing wink, leaving her bright red.

“Oh please, you big tart.” Rarity scoffed.

I grinned as she completed a few finishing touches to my beard.

“Stunning.” She smiled.

I looked in the mirror and beamed from ear to ear.

“I look like a sexy.” I said in a deep tone.

The ponies giggled and Oliver eventually laughed as well.

“So what now?” Applejack asked.

“Simple.” Oliver smiled.

Rarity gestured for him to continue.

“I take this motherfucker to his own funeral…”

The next day, I woke up early.
Fluttershy and I yet again cuddled throughout the night, and thankfully she didn’t try to mount me in her sleep.
I headed downstairs and made myself some cereal and a glass of milk; I loved milk, I’d been drinking it in bulk since my emergence from the womb; my bones were stronger than steel in my own opinion.

“Morning Daniel Fagcliffe.” Oliver muttered as he sleepily came into the kitchen.

“Morning twat-face.” I replied.

Oliver opened the fridge and took out some Cornish Pasties, and popped them into the new microwave next to the kettle, which he flicked on.

“How’s the new microwave?” I asked.

“Fuck you. I went three weeks without any pasties!” He snapped.

Now, common fact about my brother, is that he hates getting up early in the day. Once upon a time, he once threatened me with the large hunting knife he sleeps with, because I woke him up.

“Blame AJ, not me.” I chuckled.

“Fucking inbred Texan redneck…” He grumbled.

I almost burst into tears of laughter, and was only just able to contain myself.

“Tea?” Oliver asked as the kettle boiled.

“Yes please.”


“No thank you Turkish, I’m sweet enough.”

“Stop quoting films and have some sugar you fucking twat-monkey.”

I zipped my lips as he gave me two teaspoons of sugar.

A cuppa tea later, I went upstairs and entered my room.

“Good morning.” Rarity smiled, stretching.

“Hello lovely.” I happily smiled back.

The others were still asleep, including Fluttershy, who was on her back, her tongue lolling out the side of her saliva coated muzzle; I couldn’t help but lightly chuckle to myself at how she slept, it was weirdly beautiful in the most unattractive way.
I opened my wardrobe and searched for an outfit; I settled on some black suit trousers, a dark purple shirt, and a smart black jacket, along with some leather smart shoes.
I stripped to my boxers and was about to put on my trousers when I heard my door open.

“Hey guys, are you awake yet, Oliver’s making… Uh… I…”

I turned around to see Rainbow Dash staring at me, her mouth agape.

“Morning.” I smiled.

“M-m-morning Callum.” She stuttered.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked, subtly flexing my torso muscles and biceps.

She instantly noticed my biceps expand and my pecs double in size.

“N-no. Not at all. I’ll, I’ll come back later.” She muttered and left the room, not taking her eyes off me.

She closed the door and I heard a snort from behind me; I turned to see Rarity, her cheeks bright red as she tried her best not to burst into uncontrollable laughter.

“What?” I asked innocently.

“Call it a hunch if you may… But I think someone likes you…” She said as calmly as she could.

“Dashie, really? It was only playful flirting.” I replied.

“Really Callum? Did you not notice her blushing like a cherry?” She pointed out.

“Yeah, so? She blushes really easily, she has been for weeks.” I replied.

“Oh for goodness sake, she’s never blushed like that. She really likes you. She’s always been curious about relationships with other species, and you’re ticking all her boxes so far.” She explained.

“I, see…” I hummed.

I was rather unsure as of what to think, I hadn’t really expected any of the ponies to get a crush on me. Really, in all honesty, I didn’t see myself as that desirable; but that being said, my time in Brazil had made my muscles very defined…
Either way, I wasn’t interested; ponies weren’t exactly my relationship interests, but I didn’t see any harm in continuing to flirt with her and to be a tease.
I shrugged and got dressed, I then looked in the mirror and had second thoughts on being desirable; I looked HOT.

“Looking very dapper.” Rarity commented.

“Why thank you.” I replied with a bow.

“You may look sexy, but you’re still a twat.” Oliver said, walking in.

I chuckled and applied some Lacoste aftershave so I smelt like something along the lines of om’nom’nom’nom


Fluttershy screamed in shock and shot upwards and hit the ceiling; Pinkie on the other hand, opened one eye, and started to grin as she opened up the other.

“Ooooohhh… How exciting…” She hissed deviously.

I raised an eyebrow before going over to hug Fluttershy, who was crying.

“Sorry Butterscotch.” Oliver said sympathetically.

“It’s… F-Fluttersh-shy… And it’s, it’s, ok-kay…” She cried.

My brother slowly back away and slithered out of my room to prepare the breakfast, not wanting to deal with an upset Fluttershy.

“Are you alright?” I asked Fluttershy.

“Yeah, it j-just scared me and I hit my h-head…” She sniffed.

I hugged her tighter and stroked the back of her neck.
In seconds she was alright, my stroking seemed to calm her greatly.

Quark! Morning faggots! Morning faggots!” Blu squawked as he flew into the room.


From downstairs was a roar of belly laughter.

“For goodness sake…” Rarity sighed, shaking her head in disapproval.

Later that morning, after we’d all woken up and eaten breakfast, I went upstairs to brush my teeth. Suddenly I heard shouting from downstairs, I rushed down to see Oliver holding Wrinkleboom, raising the weapon up like a sacred trophy.


“Because you’re a dangerous sociopath with a long-term history of violence.” I replied calmly.

“Oh yeah…” He hummed, putting down the gun.

I opened the side-compartment of Oliver’s rucksack and pulled out Ingeo’s pistol.

“Sweet… An M-Nineteen-Eleven…”

“This belonged to Ingeo Montenegro himself.” I told him.

“Seriously!?” He exclaimed.

“Eeyup.” I grinned.


I put the pistol back, and then put Wrinkleboom in the top of the bag again.

“You know, I’ve got a gun-belt for the pistol, and it holds shotgun cartridges.” Oliver told me.

“Sweet, that’d be really helpful.” I replied merrily.

“I’ll look for it when we get back from your funeral.” He said.

Oliver was also dressed for the funeral, in some black jeans, a black shirt, and a black jacket.

“Weird to think everyone there thinks I’m dead.” I mumbled.

He hummed, before we both sat on the sofa and relaxed.

“Say, what ever happened to the dogs?” Oliver asked.

“Oh, I killed them and ate them.” I replied casually.

“Ah, fair enough.”

I chuckled at his casual reaction, and went on to explain how I'd taken them to my friend Bruce, as I feared they'd run away after I faked my death, I wanted to know they were in safe hands before I departed for my journey.

“I’d very much like them back though; I kinda liked them, you know?” He said dully.

“Sure thing. If he’s not at the funeral today, I’ll get them later today with Rarity.”


I smiled at the thought of seeing my little Chilli again, and Archer; I missed my pups…

“Right, funeral’s quite a way off, over in Royal Tunbridge Wells, so we better get going.” Oliver told me.

“Why there?” I asked.

“Apparently it was the cheapest place to have a funeral, which is understandable as she’s not even going.” He answered.

"Mum's not coming?"

"Nope, she's going to be on holiday for at least another week."

Even for her, that was pretty low. Not bothering to come to her own son's funeral, she must have genuinely never loved me...

“Standard.” I mumbled, slightly disheartened.

“Well, let’s go.”

I followed my big brother out of the house, looking fine and dandy, and that’s when I saw Oliver’s car.

“Oh… My… God…” I muttered.

My brother chuckled.

“Yeah, sexy isn’t she? I won her in a military tour raffle.” He explained.

Oliver’s ‘car’ (if it could be called that), was a military green Land Rover Defender, with massive truck tires, a snorkel on the side, a deer skull on the bonnet, and was decorated with military call-signs and emblems.

“She’s beautiful…” I breathed.

“Wanna know the best bit?” He asked.

I merely nodded. Oliver then picked up a large stone and threw it as hard as he could at the vehicle.
The stone collided with an ear-splitting ‘CLANG!’ as it shattered into pieces.
The Land Rover, however, didn’t even have a scratch.

“Bullet-proof mother fucker! She’s proper military grade!” My brother squealed in delight.

I raised my eyebrows, impressed.

“Well, hop in!” He commanded.

Sir, yes sir!

Do you think the ponies will be safe home alone?” I asked him as we roared down the motorway.

They should be! I left some food out for them and left the Xbox on!” He answered.

Okie dokes!

We’d been in the car for an hour, when Oliver decided to have a bit of fun.

I spy, with my little eye, something fucking terrified!” He roared as he pulled on the steering wheel.

The jeep swerved to the right and almost collided with the car beside us, causing the driver to nearly crash and beep the horn savagely before slowing down to let us overtake them; Oliver laughed hysterically all the while.

Oliver, you’re a reckless prick! I fucking LOVE IT!” I roared.

That’s my bro! Get into the spirit!” He chuckled.

The laughter died down, and we zoomed off down the motorway to Royal Tunbridge Wells…

“Well, we’re here.” Oliver said.

“Looks like we’re here early.” I mumbled, noticing the lack of cars in the car park.

“Or late.” My brother suggested.

“If we were late, there would be other cars, dumbass.” I pointed out.

“Hey, watch your language and be respectful to my poor belated dead brother.” He growled.

“I’m still alive you dick!” I spat, punching him in the arm playfully.

“Yeah… Shame…” He sighed, shaking his head.

I rolled my eyes.

“Right, let’s just wait until someone else turns up.” I said.

About twenty minutes later, a car turned up.

“Wow, someone does care about you!” Oliver said with surprise.

That was when the Co-Op Funeralcare host got out the car, and Oliver burst into laughter.

Guess I was wrong!” He bellowed.

I rolled my eyes again…

Another ten minutes later, other cars finally started arriving, I recognised the yellow Porsche that belonged to the father of my friend Harry; his dad was loaded with money, and had all sorts of expensive cars and gizmos at his home.

“Rich twat.” Oliver muttered.

I then noticed the small red car that belonged to my dearest friend, Annabel Knight.
The car was followed by numerous other vehicles that consisted of friends and family…
My family that decided to show up was my Auntie Becca and her husband Garth, along with their son Camille. My Uncle Simon, and my godfather, Mark Christmas.

“Hey, Marky Mark turned up!” Oliver smiled as he recognised my godfather.

As my dad was always working during my childhood, Mark used to look after me very often, and would take me out every weekend, he was practically my second father…

“Right, shall we get this started?” Oliver asked.

“Go for.” I agreed.

The both of us hopped out the Land Rover, which the others all noticed and got out of their cars as well. Being in disguise, I had to pretend I didn’t know any of these people, and so I just went with Oliver to greet these ‘strangers’…

“Hey Becks.” Oliver said to our Auntie.

“Hey Oliver…” She sighed as she came to give my brother a hug.

“Alright Garth.”

“Alright Oli.” Garth replied as the two shook hands.

“And who’s this?” Rebecca asked kindly in direction to me.

“This is…” Oliver said slowly.

“Bruce. Bruce Harding.” I answered, shaking my aunt’s hand politely, and then Garth’s.


“Close friend.” I replied, tightening my lips and looking at the ground.

After a brief chat, Oliver went to talk with Mark, and I went to talk to Harry.

“Hey, uhm, Harry? Harry Courtney?” I asked as he got out of the car.

“Yeah?” He asked hoarsely.

“I’m Bruce, one of Callum’s mates… I saw some of your YouTube videos together, you guys seemed close.” I said with a weak smile.

“Yeah, we were…” He sighed.

He looked at the ground for a bit, before looking back at me.

“How’d you know him?”

“We were childhood friends; I’ve known him since I can remember.” I told him.

“Ah…” He hummed, looking down again.

Harry was the most optimistic person I knew, he was always happy and never looked on the down-side.
Seeing him like this was absolutely heart-breaking.

“Do you know when we’re supposed head in?” I asked him.

“In a bit, when the coffin arrives.” He muttered.

“Alright.” I sighed and walked away from him.

I went to speak with my closest friend, Annabel; to find that my other best friends Connor and Aarin were there as well, which caused a smile to briefly light up my face, before I noticed how upset they all looked.
Annabel was basically the closest thing I had to a sister, regardless of the fact I once had a massive crush on her when we first met.

“Excuse me… Are you three Annabel, Connor and Aarin?” I asked nervously.

They both turned to face me at the same time, Annabel went to speak but simply choked up and looked away.

“Yes, we are… Who are you?” Aarin asked.

Aarin was kind and gentle, like a really friendly bear. He was the master of hugs, and was always awake late at night if I ever needed a chat about my own problems. Connor was quite possibly the most handsome guy alive, he was slim and funky, not a month went by when he didn't have a different hairstyle. He was the king of cosplay, and probably knew more about fashion than Rarity.
Annabel was the one who nearly caused multiple heart attacks from cuteness over the time I’ve known her, she had puppy eyes strong enough to make a grown man collapse.

“I’m Bruce Harding… I was his mate, a long time ago. I’ve just come to pay my respects…” I mumbled.

I hadn’t even said my real name, and Annabel's eyes began to water up, I could see the pain in her glassy eyes. My death had absolutely destroyed her, I hadn’t realised I meant this much to her…

“I’m s-sorry…” She choked as tears began to roll down her cheeks.

“It’s okay, this is a difficult day.” I sighed.

Aarin went over to comfort Annabel, and gave her one of his famed bear hugs. Connor looked at me and we made eye contact for about five seconds, before he rushed towards me and held me by my shoulders, staring into my eyes.

“I know those eyes anywhere…” He whispered.

{He saw right through the disguise!} I thought to myself in fear.

“You’ve always had a good eye.” I exhaled.

“How? Why?”

“I’ll explain when the funeral’s over.” I told her.

Annabel and Aarin looked at me as I gave Connor a hug, both of them confused.

“Don't tell anyone for now, I need a low profile.” I hissed.

He nodded as he let go of me, and took one last look into my eyes.

“It really is you…” She breathed in shock.

He almost fainted as he leaned forward and hugged me tightly for a second time.

“I will explain everything after the funeral, I promise.” I told him, letting him go.

“Do you know him?” Aarin asked.

“Yeah, he's an old friend from school, I didn’t recognise him at first.” Connor lied.

“Anyway, I best see if Callum’s brother is alright.” I told them both, and headed back over to Oliver.

Just as I was about to reach him, a fluffy cannon ball shot into my leg and almost knocked me over, I looked down to see a very dazed chocolate coloured cocker spaniel sitting at my foot, looking up at me with large sparkling eyes.

“Hello Little Bear…” I whispered.

Chilli stood on her hind legs and pawed at my thigh, and I picked her up and nuzzled her chest as she began to lick my face furiously, my eyes watered up as I was finally reunited with my dog.

“Well, there she is.” Oliver hummed.

I gave Chilli one last kiss on the forehead before giving her to my brother to hold, and just in time; I turned around to find a gigantic black blur fly into me and head-butt my chest, almost knocking me over for a second time.

“And the big boy too.” I groaned as I tried to balance myself.

I gave Archer a massive hug and let him engulf my face with his tongue as he joyfully licked me.

“Alright, calm down.” I hushed as I patted his large neck.

I left Archer to see Oliver while I saw Bruce come from behind Oliver’s Land Rover.

“Glad you could make it.” I smiled.

“Who are you? Wait, Cal-

“Sshh.” I hissed.

“Ah.” He said in understanding, realising I was in a disguise.

I put my hand on his shoulder and gave him a friendly smile.

“I really appreciate you looking after the dogs.”

“It wasn’t a problem.” He smiled.

“Boy do I have some stories to tell you about my adventure.” I sighed.

“I think they can wait.” Bruce replied softly, looking behind me.

I turned to see a black car, containing a coffin had arrived; I nodded at Bruce with a smile, before walking back over to my brother, who had put the dogs in the back of the car.

“Hey look, there’s Faggot Number Two.” Oliver scoffed to me, nodding towards the black car with the coffin inside.

“Oh ha, ha." I replied dully.

Oliver chuckled quietly, and then went over with Garth, Mark, and Simon to carry to coffin indoors, it was weird to think the coffin contained my dead body. I followed everyone else as they went indoors to take their seats.

The room was just big enough to fit everyone in, and they took up all but one seat, the funeral service was run by the Co-Operative, rather than a religious group, so thankfully we could skip all the Jesus and God malarkey.
The funeral host stood before my coffin, which was sat next to a large photograph of myself on a big stand; (a rather good-looking photograph of myself, might I add...)
After the entry music (Beethoven's first movement of Moonlight Sonata), had stopped, the funeral host began his speech.

“Please be seated…
We are gathered here this morning in the loving memory of Callum Horncastle.
He died on Sunday, July the Thirteenth, Two-Thousand and Fourteen.
As we remember him, our sympathy and condolences go out to the all family and friends that he left behind.
They, along with their loved ones, grieve in a special way today before each other.”

By now, many people in the room were sniffing and wiping their eyes.
The host continued.

“Callum was well-known for looking on the bright side of life, and always had something good to say.
He was a natural performer, acting was his passion, he lived to entertain, and to make the world a more enjoyable place.
Regardless of his eccentric, enthusiastic way of living, he was modest and respectful.
While I did not know Callum personally, I can say that he was evidently, a gentleman.
His passing is a great loss to all of us, and it is a tragedy to lose him so young...”

Everyone in the room was now crying, the host put down his papers and walked over to a small podium.

“A few people present would like to say some things about Callum, before a poem written by Annabel Knight.”

My heart stopped for a second as my emotions built up inside.

{Annabel had written me a poem!?}

The first to stand at the podium was my Godfather Mark, he was a fireman with a large broad body. Besides working for the fire department, he was also a boxer and had gotten me into the sport, I owe him for my hand-to-hand combat experience. If it weren’t for him, I’d never have become such a good boxer, his training had certainly ensured my survival in Brazil.

“Callum, the day I met you, I knew you would grow up to be the good man you are today. You had this look in your eye that shone like the North Star, and your eyes have never lost that shine.
As a boy, you were a well behaved young man, with a big appetite and the happiest grin on your face. Whenever I looked at you, you had the same devious look, as though you’d planned to take over the world. Which I caught you attempting at least four times…”

The audience laughed for a moment.

“You were a good boy, and I am beyond proud to have been called your Godfather.
I wish I could have called you my own son… I love you little man… I’m going to miss you…”

That’s when the big, broad, boxing fireman began to cry, and he returned to his seat…

The next to stand, was my Uncle Simon, who was already tearful before he’d even spoken.
My uncle was a computer expert, and had taught me how to take computers apart and put them back together with ease. He'd shown me how to hack online systems, and how to hot-wire cars and motorbikes. As I grew older and became a gamer, he taught me how to pirate games so I could play the latest games without paying a penny.
Without my uncle Simon, I wouldn’t have such a deep understanding of technology and how to use it…

“I don’t have much to say. I guess; I’m sorry… I’m sorry that I didn’t see you more…
I saw you as a kid, and I showed you how to work gadgets and stuff, but I never really spent much quality time with you, and I regret it.
If I knew this was going to happen… I’d have come to see you more, I swear…
You were the kindest little guy I knew… And little Amber loves you to pieces…
I couldn’t have asked for a better nephew… I’m sorry Cal…”

He, too, quietly cried to himself as he walked away to his seat.

By now, my eyes were watered up and ready to leak. I honestly hadn’t realised how much I meant to all my family, and it was killing me to see them all so upset… Next up was my aunt, who had a very similar speech to Simon’s, about not being able to see me as much.
I didn’t blame either of them for not seeing me though. Rebecca had her little Camille to look after, and a husband to love. Much like Simon had his daughter Amber, who was too emotional to come to the funeral.

A few more words were said by various people, before the main event began.

“And lastly, a poem for Callum from Annabel Knight.” The host announced.

I gulped, this was going to be emotional, I just knew it…

“What keeps me sane are the memories of us, the pictures freeze in time.
My heart captured everything on record, and stored it in my mind.
I think of you, I sit and ask myself, why?
Why couldn't I have been there?
Why wasn't I there to help?
If I were there I could have saved you, just called for help on my phone.
It kills me inside to know you had to die there, all alone…
You are loved, with all our hearts, and you are sorely missed.
I wish I could see you one last time, your forehead I’d have kissed.
Just to say goodbye, before you ascend into your heavenly tomb…
Reach down and take my hand, take me away with you…
When I think of you it hurts, and soon my eyes shed rain
It makes me sob inside to know, it ended with such pain…
You gave me love, and touched my life, you were the best friend I ever had.
We play like brother and sister, yet you protected me like a dad…
When I see those happy pictures of you, I smile before I cry.
Thinking how much you meant to me, as I look to the night sky…
I look up the stars at night.
To see which one is shining bright
I wish I could see one more of your smiles.
I would travel over a million miles…
I need you, and I miss you… I’m wishing you were here…
For losing you, my friend… That… That was my g-greatest fear…
I love you C-Callum… Good… Goodbye…”

That was when she fell down to her knees, and began to sob.
My vision went blurry as my own tears began to stream down my face; I was absolutely speechless as I wept to myself.
The poem had completely taken me off-guard, I assumed it would be meaningful, but nothing like that…

“That was beautiful, thank you Annabel.” The host said, helping Annabel to her feet.

She shakily stood up and shuffled over to her seat, where Aarin and Connor both gave her an enormous hug.

“Hadn’t realised females actually liked you…” Oliver whispered into my ear.

“Ruin the moment, why not?” I spluttered back.

After a few more last words, everyone stood up as a transparent curtain came between us and the coffin; followed by some music, which happened to be one of my favourite songs; The Scientist by Coldplay.
After the second curtain came down and blocked the coffin from side, a door to the side of the room opened and we all walked through into a memorial garden, where people exchanged tender hugs and deep conversation; that was when Connor approached me.

“Can we talk now?” He asked.

I nodded.

“Get Annabel and Aarin for me, I’ll meet you outside.” I told her.

While she went to grab Annabel, I went to Harry and put my hand on his shoulder.

“You alright?” I asked.

“Yeah… I’m fine.” He mumbled.

“Good, then get your arse outside, we have to talk.” I ordered with a smile.


“It’s me you twat.”

He looked at me intensely, and then started to recognise me through my disguise.

“C… Callum…?”

“Hello sunshine.”

“But, you… I don’t-”

“Come outside, I’ll explain everything.” I told him.

He looked at me in shock, he was completely stunned.

“Now boy.” I commanded, playfully poking his chest.

He shook his head and followed me as I headed outside with Connor, Aarin and Annabel.

We walked some distance away from the building, we stopped at a small pond with a bench next to it, where Harry and Annabel sat down together, Connor and Aarin remained standing.

“Right, guys, before I explain, there’s one thing you all need to get a grip on.” I told them.

They looked at me curiously.

“The reason I’m still alive, is down to magic. Supernatural forces, hocus pocus.” I said.

"What?" Harry asked quietly.

"It's Mickey Mouse mate, my death wasn't real, I faked the whole thing."

They looked at me blankly.

“And now, to prove that.” I grinned as I removed a pill.

The pill, was given to me by Rarity before I left this morning, it dispels the magic she’d cast on me.
I swallowed the pill, and my beard began to evaporate, as my black hair returned to its normal length and colour.

“By the power of Greyskull…” Harry breathed.

Without any warning, Annabel jumped off the bench, sprinted forward and dived at me, wrapping both her arms and legs around me and almost knocking me over, she didn’t speak, she just buried her face into my neck and wouldn’t let go of me.

“Miss me?” I asked with a grin.

I hugged her back tightly, before she finally detached from me.
Which was when she unexpectedly smacked me across the face, causing me to whip around to face Harry.

“Not sure I deserved that.” I spoke, rather shocked.

As I turned around, I was met by Connor, who backhand slapped me in the face, again causing me to turn to Harry.

“I may have deserved that.” I said after a small pause.

Harry chuckled, while I looked back to find Aarin about to punch me in the crotch.

"No, no, no, no, no, no... Maybe, maybe not the nethers?"

He stood back amongst Annabel and Connor, who were both frowning at me.

“I guess, I have some explaining to do…” I mumbled.

Start talking!.” Annabel spat choking up.

“Do you have any idea what we’ve been through, thinking you were dead!?” Connor growled, his eyes watering up.

“I understand it must have been very painful, but I can explain...” I said defensively, trying to calm her down.

“Then explain.” He demanded coldly, full of suppressed emotion.

“Guys, are you forgetting he had a magic beard?" Harry pointed out.

I took a breath of relief as Harry jumped up from the bench and defended me.

"Let me just repeat that guy… Magic. Beard. I think he’s got a reasonable explanation.” Harry pointed out.

I sighed with relief as they all calmed down as Harry’s point was very valid.

“Trust me, I’ve been through some shit as well.” I said, hoping for at least some sympathy.

“Like?” Connor spoke, showing none of the sympathy I was hoping for.

“Well, I was shot a few times, beaten to a pulp, electrocuted, cut open with a knife, and had my hand penetrated by a cordless drill. Tot to mention almost being starved to death, and crawling through raw sewage in the pipelines of Brazil.” I smiled.

“Right…” Aarin replied, not believing a word of it.

To prove I was telling the truth, I unbuttoned my shirt and showed them the deep scar Ingeo had left on my chest.

“Damn son…” Harry breathed.

“What the fuck happened…?” Annabel asked, now full of worry.

“You’re going to have to keep an open mind to this, as my story is very… Out there…” I warned them.

The group all moved closer, ready to listen. That was when Oliver came along.

“Oh, is this a bad time?” He asked.

“No, it’s fine, I was just telling them how I’m still alive.” I replied.

“Ah, the legend of the faggot and his talking horses. I love this story!” He chuckled as he sat on the bench.

“Talking… Horses?” Annabel quizzed.

“As I was saying, this story is rather, supernatural…” I said.

“Hurry up boy! I wanna know!” Harry playfully growled, punching my arm.

I took a deep breath, before smiling and beginning my tale.

“Well, you see, I was putting my chickens to bed one night…”

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