The Royal Guard of Princess Antares
I was awoken some time later by what felt like somebody jumping on my bed. I cracked one eye open and was surprised to find Raining Skies of all ponies bouncing on the hoof of my bed. I scowled at her and sat up. "Do you always wake up princesses this way?"
Raining Skies giggled and hopped off of my bed. "Only when Prince Shining Armor is away. It would be awkward otherwise."
I rolled my eyes and slid out of bed. I glanced in the mirror to check my hair and discovered, to my delight, that it looked pretty good. I slipped on my regalia and turned to Raining Skies. "So, I take it the first order of business is creating my guard?"
Raining Skies shook her head. "The first order of business is breakfast." I rolled my eyes, and Raining Skies giggled again. "Yes, after that it's time to create your guard. You should be pleased. We've been saying that you need one for some time now, and here is your chance to create it. Ponies have been coming from all over Equestria." Raining Skies smirked and trotted over to the window. "The Baltimare inns and motels are going to have an early Hearth's Warming Eve this year."
I flinched slightly and began following Raining Skies towards the dining hall. "So, how many am I looking at here?"
Raining Skies sighed, and her playful demeanor slipped a little. "Oh, about four thousand or so applicants. They've all had to fill out applications, just like a real job, and we've started screening some of the ponies who flat out couldn't join for age reasons and health concerns. That kind of thing."
I nodded and opened the door to the dining hall. Like the rest of the base, it was pretty simple. It was just a large oak table and no real decorations to speak of. Just the way I like it: simplicity and efficiency rather than extravagance. I wanted to make this as painless as possible, and I wouldn't really care for living in the lap of luxury all the time.
I sat down at the head of the table where a large array of foods was laid. All of it vegetarian, of course.
I scanned the various foods before deciding on a plate of eggs, and some toast. I glanced over at Raining Skies as I levitated my fork over to me. "Anything here have hay? I'm not sure if I'm allergic to it as a pony, but I'm not quite sure that I want to risk it."
Raining Skies shook her head. "I'm well aware of your hay allergy. I made sure the chefs didn't make anything with it."
I raised my eyebrow as I speared some eggs. "Really? You know about my hay allergy?"
"Yep." Raining Skies smirked at me. "It wasn't too hard. All we had to do was gain access to your medical records." She chuckled and sat down next to me. "Oh, we know pretty much everything about you from where you're from to what you teach the Ponyville foals in Cheerilee's class."
"Really?"
"Every lesson."
"Hmm." I mulled that over as I chewed my eggs. "So is Cheerilee one of the Blade-Wings?"
"No, no, nothing like that." Raining Skies smiled, and I noted a hint of smugness behind it. "It's just that the foals take notes, and their parents read said notes when the foals aren't looking and report back to me."
I snorted and waved my fork at her. "You tricky, tricky, pony."
Raining Skies shrugged. "Like I said: it's my job to know the goings on in Equestria. We wanted to know everything about you that we could, and that was a good opportunity." Raining Skies smirked again. "Besides, you looked far too happy when you lectured in front of the D.O.R.K.S. Those of us in the audience figured that something was up.
I chuckled and swallowed the last of my eggs. "Well, color me impressed."
The door opened behind us, and a servant came in carrying a tray in his magical glow. Celestia had told me something about lending me certain ponies from her staff until I could get my own. No prizes for guessing that there would be thousands of applicants there as well.
As it turned out, the servant was carrying quite the stack of papers on the tray. I supposed that I would be helping sort through the guard applications. He placed them in front of me and exited with a bow. Yuck. If this stack was placed on the floor, it would easily be higher than my hooves. Thankfully Raining Skies saw fit to take a little less than half. No doubt that she was tired of sorting these things.
I sighed and started munching on my toast as I looked over the first application. Unicorn mare. Age 23. No physical defects, works as a blacksmith in Applewood. Special talent smithing. I nodded and put it down on the table. "This is the 'maybe' pile. These are ponies that have talents that might be useful in other areas pertaining to the guard if they can't get into the guard itself."
Raining Skies nodded and put an application in the 'maybe' pile. "Seems sound enough."
I returned her nod and picked up the next application. Pegasus mare. Age 17. No physical defects. Worked as a waitress in Baltimare. Special talent singing. I shook my head and put it in a separate pile. Too young. I informed Raining Skies of which one was the 'no' pile.
The next four hours were spent sorting through all of the applications. I was sort of glad to see that most of them went into the 'yes' pile, but at the same time it was sort of daunting. We had a lot to choose from, and I still wasn't sure how large I wanted my guard to be. Not to mention the cost of arming them, maintaining their equipment, paying them, providing living spaces, and so on. At the end of sorting all of the applicants, we were left with twenty-five hundred 'yeses', three hundred 'maybes', and thirteen hundred 'nos'. Of that, eight-hundred of the 'nos' or so were rejected based on age, so I added a note to their applications stating that they could re-apply once they were older.
I picked up the stack of 'yeses' with my magic and stared at the shorter, but still considerably large pile.
"We're going to need a big, big field or something for this."
* * * *
Well, with the help of quite a few volunteers and guards, we managed to get everything in order for the guard recruitment. We sent the word out to all of the newspapers across the land, as well as had Celestia, Luna, and Cadance use their magic to send applications back to all of the applicants, as well as a date to begin the screening process. We set ten separate dates so that we would not be completely overwhelmed by a gigantic herd of ponies coming to Baltimare.
So, all in all it took about three weeks, but eventually I woke up to discover that the day had arrived where it was time to being the screening process. I put on my regalia and was escorted by the three captains to a large field on the outskirts of Baltimare where the screening process would take place. Well, it turned out that most of the applicants for that day had already shown up, and it was with some amusement that I saw tents scattered throughout the field.
I stepped onto a stage that had been set up for me. Ponies bowed to me as I walked by, something that was still weird to me, despite the large greeting I had received when I had arrived in Baltimare. They all stood at attention, or their best impression of it, as I stood in front of them. Shining Armor surreptitiously cast a voice amplifier spell on me, allowing me to be heard by all.
"Mares and gentlecolts: I thank you all for coming out today to see if you can join my guard. I warn you now that this will not be easy, particularly since I only have five hundred spots to fill and there are five times as many applicants, but I have faith that you will all give it your best shot." A mischievous smile crossed my face, and I heard Shining Armor shift beside me uncomfortably. "Now, aside from the normal guard training that will allow you to be keepers of the peace and protectors of the Equestrian citizens, there is a special skill that one must learn to succeed in my guard. The more experienced you are in it, the more likely that you will be allowed to join."
That got some murmurs out of the crowd. Even the normally stone-faced Night Stalker had a look of curiosity on his face when I mentioned that. Well, he would. I hadn't told anybody at all of what my plans were, but they'd know soon enough.
"I will be talking to you all in teams of twenty-five about what that skill will be. After I have told you, you are not to repeat what I have told you under penalty of your application being immediately revoked. That aside..." I motioned with a wing to the three captains. "These three will be dividing you in separate groups based on your race. They will put you through training based on your natural abilities that go with said race such as magic and flying." I gave a one-winged salute to the crowd. "Good luck to you all, and do your best."
"You'll need it," I said under my breath.
* * * *
The group split up according to their races, and each one went through a different exercise. The pegasus ponies had to do a simple flying maneuver. Clear, fly, fall, complete. It was a simple task, so most of the ones that I saw completed it with no problem. However, those that didn't were sent home. It did kinda suck to see hopeful pegasi being told that they hadn't met the standards, but most of them understood that the guard needed to have ponies who could be good soldiers. If they couldn't do basic maneuvers, then I can't have them in the guard.
The unicorn's test was pretty simple too. Basically we set up a ton of dummies, and they had to hit it with some sort of offensive spell. Sometimes that was like a knock-back spell, or a stunning spell, or the like. Some ponies even had some fire spells. They almost definitely made it in. Some of them got creative and picked up rocks and branches. That showed that they could hold weapons.
The earth ponies were trickier to set up courses for, but we settled on doing some basic attack formations while using their natural strength to fight dummies. As was usual, those who seemed to at least have a passing ability to complete the tasks set by us were kept on, while the rest of them were sent home, often to much disappointment.
So, at the end of day one, we found ourselves with one hundred out of the original two-fifty. If that repeated we'd still have a thousand potential guards for half that many spots. Still, they hadn't gone through my training yet, and as such, I could still probably weed out some of them from the pack. In groups of twenty-five, I brought them back to a private room in the palace. I, of course, ordered Raining Skies to not send any of her troops in with me. Three hopefuls dejectedly trotted back over to their commander.
Yeah. I thought so.
It took just under two hours to teach the guards what I wanted them to know, during which point I had to cut another dozen or so when they found themselves unwilling to do what I asked. It was unfortunate, but I had a very specific guard setup in mind.
But all in all? I thought that the first day was a rousing success.
That evening saw the three captains and I in the dining hall, enjoying a meal of basic sandwiches. Raining Skies and Night Stalker were giving the remaining profiles a last once-over, while Shining Armor was staring at me pensively. I swallowed my bite of sandwich and smirked at him. "Something up, Mr. Armor?"
He snorted and rolled his eyes. "You know, TD, ever since you came to Equestria I've been trying to figure you out. I understand your overall motivations, but that doesn't mean that I can always figure out what you're going to do next."
I widened my smirk and poured myself some water. "Good. If you did then life would be boring. You'd try to stop some of my better ideas."
"Like what you're planning with your guard?"
Precisely." I chuckled and took a sip of my water. "I think you'd find it uncouth."
Shining Armor's eyes narrowed, but he held his tongue. The only sound for a few moments was the rustling of documents, but it was Night Stalker that spoke up first. "You're a mischievous one, but you'll get yours eventually." He carefully placed the final document down. "Just wait until you go into heat for the first time."
My pupils dilated and my left ear twitched while Raining Skies flattened hers. I bit my lip and leaned in closer to her. "He's joking, right? Princesses don't go into heat, do they?"
Raining Skies uneasily shrugged. "I don't know. Never thought it polite to ask."
I rolled my eyes and sat up. "Anyway, have you found anybody right for some of the higher-up positions? I'm going to need a captain."
Night Stalker nodded and pushed a small stack forward. "These three look good for today's crop. We'll have to see who's good for the rest of them."
"We also have some ponies that have sent armor designs," said Raining Skies. She pulled another stack of papers out of a messenger bag. "You can look them over when you have the chance."
I nodded and ignited my horn, stacking all of the papers together, alternating which direction they faced so I could sort them easily. "Well, mare and gentlecolts, I believe that I shall turn in for the night." I took a deep breath. "We've got a busy nine days ahead of us."
* * * *
Boy did we ever. It was pretty monotonous too.
Sure it was pretty cool getting to meet some of my potential future soldiers, and it was awesome seeing some of the spells the unicorns could do. We were kind of running low on dummies by the end, though.
Well, finally the ten days were over, and we were down to about six hundred and fifty potential guards. We were getting there, but we still had a little ways to go. We had taken some of the potential guards and given them more advanced training, and if they passed then they were a lock for the guard on top of being considered for more advanced positions. Thanks to that, we had about a hundred locked in.
One of the more interesting things was seeing the armor made. It was pretty standard guard armor, but instead of the gold of Celestia's or the purple of Luna's, it was crimson. They were also enchanted so that each pony wearing them turned a soft peach color. The aesthetic was kind of nice. The locked in guards were sent to be fitted for their armor the moment they were accepted.
Well, since we hadn't narrowed the list down to the proper amount, the non-locks, so about five hundred or so ponies were asked to stay on for some additional tests. They were tested on weapon handling, taking orders, maneuvers, and so on, all set by the three captains. As usual, I brought them back for more training on their new special prerequisite.
Well, it was hard to turn away the ponies that had gotten so far, but eventually we were down to the five hundred I required. I did ask the one-fifty to undergo training to be reserves in case I needed them, which seemed to soften the blow for them.
The best part, though? I found my captain of the guard and his lieutenant. The captain was a red unicorn stallion a little smaller than Big Macintosh named Burning Blaze. He was one of the ponies who was adept at fire spells, on top of being one of the best at the special training I had them undergo. His lieutenant was a aquamarine pegasus mare named River Rapids. Also adept at my special training, but one of the fastest mares I've seen this side of Rainbow Dash. She had a brilliant tactical mind too.
My guard was ready.
Er... almost. The barracks still needed to be updated, we still needed to gain the materials to arm most of them, and so on, but I at the very least had enough ready for a demonstration to the rest of the princesses. I gave them a message that I was ready to present a portion of my guard for them. They responded quite promptly that they would be in Baltimare within the next day or two. They had left pretty early on after observing a few training sessions.
So now, I was standing in front of my palace with thirty of my guards standing at attention. I was flanked on either side by Burning Blaze and River Rapids. I took a deep breath and smiled as the familiar sight of chariots that could only have belonged to a few ponies appeared on the horizon. Within a few minutes, Celestia, Luna, and Cadance landed in front of us. Their respective captains moved over to them and bowed before accompanying their princesses towards me. I inclined my head as my guards saluted.
"Good afternoon, TD," said Celestia with a smile and a return nod. "It seems your efforts have been productive."
"Oh they most certainly have been. I have armor smiths working on making the rest of their armor and arms, and so forth." I motioned over to Captain Blaze. "I even have my officers."
The princesses nodded and took a few steps closer. Luna walked in front of Captain Blaze and gave him a greeting nod. "So, we take it thou art Princess Antares' Captain, yes?"
With that, Captain Blaze scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Oh brilliant, princess. You figure that one out all on your own?"
The tension in the air was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. The three princesses, Shining Armor, and Night Stalker stared at Burning Blaze like he had grown a second head, while I beamed proudly at him. Raining Skies was the first to register what had just happened, and she tried her best to hold back a little snort of laughter.
Luna's ear twitched, but she managed to regain enough control to narrow her eyes and flare out her wings. "How dare thee," she growled. "How dare thou speakest to Us in such a manner?!"
"That was quite foolish of you, Captain," Celestia snapped. "I am going to suggest to Princess Antares that you be removed from your post!"
Lieutenant Rapids snorted. "Oh yeah, because Captain Blaze is so dumb that he'd say something like that without good reason."
"Thou shalt be removed from thy post as well!" Luna snarled. "Be grateful that We do not throw you in the dungeons!"
"Well, my palace doesn't exactly have a dungeon," I admitted, "but it's irrelevant in this situation anyway."
Luna narrowed her eyes at me. "What dost thou mean?"
A wide smile crossed my face, and I puffed out my chest proudly. "Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Princess Celestia, meet my very own Royal Snarcasti-guard. Half sarcasm, half snark, all awesome." My wide smile turned into a smirk. "Now, they won't be like this all the time; only around stupidity and ridiculousness of the wrong kind." I shrugged. "They won't talk to you like that again unless you say something really stupid. I just wanted to showcase their considerable abilities."
Cadance was the next one to figure it all out, and she chuckled quietly while her husband facehooved. Celestia looked pensive while Luna seemed rather angry if her glare was any indication.
"TD... are all of your guards trained to employ sarcasm?" Celestia questioned.
"Yep. Every last one of them. That includes the reserves."
Celestia stared at the two of them for a few more moments, but she slowly sighed and applied hoof to face.
"TD... I don't..."
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LOVE IT
HAHAHAHAHAHA! OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!!!
Someone's on a roll today!
Okay, I admit. I really wasn't expecting that one.
Antares - the princess-human with a windows logo on a bum. Her impudent guards are dressed in armor which painted in colors that contradict each other. The character and its environment are positively disgusting, but are a little amusing.
Story chapter 1 was promising, I expected more interesting picture at the end.
3137805 Hey, if you have better ideas about color and the like, I'm all ears. I'm a writer, not an artist.
just amazing
"Special Training, huh? I wonder what it could possibly be. Just have to wait for it, and..."
"There it is."
3137811
Put white between that colors and it will be good.
Basically it is necessary to put pair of illustrations to the story, but it on my taste.
About a cutiemark. I can finish it as promised (variant with bowl), if you want.
Beautiful
She's honestly surprised by...
Why the hell would she be surprised by this? She has met TD, right? He wasn't sent to an alternate universe where everyone is forced to act like they know him, right?
Epic.
3137830 So, American flag basically? He's Canadian too, you know. I wanted something two colors like Celestia and Luna have. Light purple and dark blue, and white and gold. I was after something like that. I like the red armor, but what colors should their coats turn into?
As for the cutie mark, sure. Let's see.
3137837 I think her facepalm was more "Why am I not surprised?"
3137844
It also Russian, belgian and french colors to.
As for guards:
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/81530720/1.jpg
All guards carry colors of their princesses.
3137891 Hmm... works for me.
I think I like his guard. Seriously, where can I get a captain like that?
*slow applause* Best guard ever created.
.....And then they multiplied
3137811static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/12/128686/3103195-peering+sam+what+is+this+i+don't+even.jpg
3137845 or, "Not this shit again!"
i dont know about the color.. peach is not a very sarcastic color. now purple and green.. very sarcastic.. its loud. but not at the same time.
I knew it.
I saw this coming a mile away. Now if Chrysalis or another threat arrives they can just sarcasm them into surrendering.
"We demand you surrender to the might of the changling army!"
"ssssuuurrreee, we'll just give up right now. What a brilliant idea"
"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!"
"no, were really terrified of you and really hope you don't hurt us, im shaking in my armored vest"
"i dont even..."
I vote Princess TD for best pony
I love Rainbow Factory. That reference was excellent!
I may be wrong but I think you forgot to finish this sentence. Seeing as the illustration at the end showed the color of the armor, I think it would finish with something like "... it was red."
Boy did Twilight will be up to a surprise when TD find a way to descend and she become the real princess.
"Ok, Twilight here is your army, those are the most brave and capable soldiers you will find" TD leave the castle and Twilight approach her new captain.
"So you are my new captain, right?"
"No princess, this is my janitor uniform, here the plumery is a very serious matter"
In the distant TD can hear Twilight from her new castle "TD!"
TD laugh all the way to his home.
The Princesses:
Love the chapter. Only one complaint: "Snarcasti-guard." Really?
This isn't exactly what I was expecting to come from TD. Half-snarky, half-sarcastic Royal Guard? This Princess Anatares. He's going places.
Now I just wonder how much screen time this Guard of TD's is going to get. And how many official complaints about them he's going to get.
Ah TD, you still have much to learn.
Since the universe hates you, the answer to these questions is always yes.
You should have TD's guards do this to the locals when they are standing at attention. We don't want them to be like the British do we?
3137891 Don't forget the union Jack!
This comma doesn't belong.
Besides this though, it looks pretty good grammatically, not to mention the sheer hilariousness of the Snarcasti-guard. As soon as special training was mentioned I saw it coming, but the reaction to it could not have been better. I'm pretty sure the princesses will be driven even wilder by the time they leave his demonstration though, and I will eagerly await the next chapter.
3138115>>3138955 Fixed.
3138519 Fixed.
As I read this I thought of vinyl scratch offering weapon making using bass as the ammo
Honestly, Celestia. How did you NOT see this coming?
Wait a second. TD is trolling Celestia...
A troll, trolling trolls.
My reaction to TD'S captain and lieutenant:
Here is a visual, Celestia:
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Chinnse_fbac2e_394741.jpg
Yeah no. I have zero sympathy for you here Celestia. You three made this bed, now you're damn well going to sleep in it. Cadence, as she's apparently going to die at some point in the next century, will be able to escape the madness via the sweet embrace of death. Celestia and Luna on the other hoof, can enjoy spending eternity with their new "sister". Bet you wish now that you hadn't been quite so cavalier with handing out that Ascension, eh Celestia?
Royal Snarcasti-guard? Really?
This is good, but I expected this to be much better. I actually like Raining Skies and her minions much more than snarcastigard and expected to TD's Guard to be ... well like Deadly Maidens, Hardboiled Bakers and Fire-Hardended Smiths ... like stright from Dofus universe. Also spies in tight suits
Die Hard Citizens would complement TD's point ov view that politics,royalty and general stupidity sucks. Also puns.
... And I expect weapon-grade sarcasm.
Please don't mind my rant, just voicing my opinion. You are the author after all and my current displeasure might be incorrect due to events to come in later chapters.
Just stumbled upon this, while browsing comments
3137828
Actually, the training involved Insult Swordfighting Monkey Island style.
3139284
XD Oh god my sides!
Why did I expect them to be a peachy pink color???
3139378 Oh, there's more to them. Remember, this was just a demonstration. All they had to do was stand there.