The Drums of War
"We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." -- Winston Churchill.
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -- General George S. Patton.
"The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy." -- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"All war is deception" -- Sun Tzu.
"To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace." -- George Washington.
"The upcoming war between Prince Blueblood and myself will go down in history as one of the most lopsided conflicts in the history of the Equestrian nation. The severity and lifelong turmoil that Prince Blueblood has brought upon himself will be talked about in hushed whispers through the rest of time, and all nations will see it as the standard of conflicts from here on out. It's going to be awesome." -- Princess Antares.
Twilight sighed and facehooved as I snapped the magic primer shut, a beaming, eager smile plastered on my face. "You know that I have to. He instigated the conflict by coming here and trying to get me arrested on top of breaking into my room and pieing me. He should be grateful that I don't have him arrested for that."
Twilight shook her head and used her magic to put the books back on the bookshelf. "Do what you have to do, TD. Just try not to let it get out of hoof, okay?"
I raised my hooves defensively. "Hey, that isn't my plan. I'm planning to keep it controlled, okay? I'm not going to hurt him." I grinned evilly. "Unless he feels physical pain when his pride is destroyed. Then all bets are off."
Twilight rolled her eyes and stood up. "You have that meeting with the chefs in the kitchens in ten minutes. You wanted to meet with them about making dinner for tonight?"
I stood up myself and chuckled. "Yes, I'm planning on inviting Blueblood. He wouldn't dare ignore the order of a princess to join her for dinner, would he?"
"No he wouldn't," Twilight grumbled. She turned back to me, a hint of a glare on her face. "I have to be there too, don't I?"
I smirked at her. "If you really don't want to be there, then you don't have to be. I told you that anytime you wanted to go back to Ponyville you could. Even if you don't want to go that far, you don't have to come to dinner." I shrugged and began walking out of my room. "It's not going to be as bad as all that, though. Not for you, anyway."
* * * *
About four hours later, Twilight, Blueblood, his lawyer cronie, and I were all sitting in my dining room. Twilight and the lawyer both had expressions of careful neutrality, but Prince Blueblood's smug grin could probably be seen from space. I could tell that he thought that he had laid the mother of all smack-downs on me, and that I wouldn't dare cross him ever again.
Uh-huh.
The dining room was silent only for a moment before Blueblood cleared his throat. His lawyer and I looked over at him, but Twilight just stared ahead. "I say, Princess Antares, I'm detecting the most unusual aroma from you. Is that... apple pie I smell?"
I smiled at Blueblood. "Why yes, yes it is." As if on cue, two servants come through the serving doors, each levitating a pair of apple pies which they set in front of each of us. My smile widens ever so slightly. "You see, I felt like trying my hoof at cooking, so I felt like I'd honor my good friends Applejack and Apple Bloom by making an apple pie." I pointed to the one in front of Blueblood. "I made that one in front of you myself."
Now, the pie itself wasn't small by any means, but it was certainly dwarfed by Blueblood's eyes right now. Rarity had certainly told me that he had reacted adversely to eating Applejack's food at the Gala, so this was even sweeter. I had to expend all of my energy to keep myself from bursting out with laughter right then and there. Believe me, it was a tempting thought.
I motioned for my guests to begin, and all but Blueblood dug in with some trepidation. As for my arch-nemesis, he was staring down at the pie as if he was trying to figure out what to do next. He weakly cleared his throat again. "S-so, Princess Antares, I don't... er... no, uh..." He glanced back down at the pie as if it was going to bite him. "Were you cooking the pies in your room? I smelled apple pie from there as well."
I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head. "My room? Why, whatever were you doing near my room." I shot Captain Blaze a faux-bewildered look. "Didn't you put Prince Blueblood in the wing opposite the one where my room is?"
"I-I only meant that I heard from the servants that it smelled like apple pie!" Blueblood said quickly. He shot his pie another suspicious glance.
"Oh." I chuckled and took another bite of my pie. It really was quite good. "No, it doesn't."
The meal continued on in silence for a few more minutes. Twilight and the lawyer had gotten over their trepidation once they realized that their pies weren't laced with anything, but Blueblood still hadn't done anything with his. I finished another bite of mine and looked over to him with a raised eyebrow. "Why, whatever is the matter, Blueblood? Is there something wrong?"
Blueblood bit his lip. "Er..."
I frowned at him. "Don't you know that it's rude to not eat what is put before you? This isn't optional, Blueblood. We're royalty here. There are manners that must be observed."
"You put something in it," Blueblood whispered. His eye twitched and he leaned away from the pie. "You put something in there that will harm me!"
"Unless you are allergic to apples then I don't think that I did." I replied.
Blueblood's eyes widened, and a small grin formed on his face. "Yes! That's it: I'm allergic to apples and thus I cannot have this apple pie!"
I frowned at him again and cocked my head. "Why Blueblood, that doesn't make any sense. During our discussion with Princess Celestia after your roundabout marriage proposal in the garden I inquired if you liked apples and you said that you did."
I heard Twilight spit-take when she heard me mention that Blueblood had all but proposed in the garden that day. That's right; I hadn't mentioned that to her, had I? Oh well, I'd tell her the story later. I had a kill to go in for.
"How can you be allergic to apples and still like them?" I prodded Blueblood's pie towards him. "I mean, there's nothing bad in there. It's just what the commoners make."
Blueblood squeaked, and I could practically see the gears working in his head as he tried to figure out a way to avoid eating an entire apple pie. Well, he couldn't. He had brought this upon himself, gosh darned it, and I as both the princess of snarcasm and pastries wasn't going to let this stand. I narrowed my eyes.
"Prince Blueblood. I, the princess of pastries, have offered you a pastry that I have made with my own two hooves. Surely you wouldn't be so gauche as to refuse to eat it?"
Blueblood gulped, but illuminated his horn and levitated his fork into the air. I would have imagined that stars have formed and exploded faster than it took Blueblood to take a single bite of the pie, but he eventually swallowed a minute bite. I continued smiling expectantly at him. He wasn't going to get out of it so easily. He gulped and took another bite.
Now, to his credit he did actually end up finishing the entire pie. He had an expression on his face akin to passing several large kidney stones, but he actually did it. I smiled at him and patted his foreleg. "Enjoyed it?"
Blueblood shakily pushed the tin away. "Er..." He gulped. "If you'll excuse me, I must go lie down for a moment. We will have to talk about the thing... later."
With that, Blueblood got to his hooves and stumbled out of the dining room with his lawyer close behind him. I looked back at Twilight and smirked when I saw that she was glaring at me. "Okay, spill it. I want to know what you put in that pie."
I chuckled and stood up from my seat. "Not a darned thing."
* * * *
The next week found me in quite high spirits.
My prank war with Blueblood was going quite well. He had retaliated to the pie with putting no-hair cream in my conditioner. As a result, both my mane and tail fell out.
...
...
About two minutes later, I looked in the mirror and saw that my mane had grown back and now had the ethereal flow that Luna and Celestia's did. Blueblood was not happy when he saw that. I retaliated by putting mustard in Blueblood's conditioner. In response, Blueblood hired a bunch of ponies to go through court and bicker about the most benign things imaginable for six hours on end. Blueblood found his mane bleached green for that one for a few days.
Yeah, it went back and forth like that for a good week.
I had spent day court with a little less of the same as the day before. Word had clearly spread that I wasn't going to tolerate any petty BS, so I didn't have a lot of ponies asking me to settle petty arguments. Of course, that wasn't the main reason that I was in a good mood.
Cheerilee's class was coming.
It had been in the works for a few days now. Apparently the kids had begged her to take them to come see me, and I told her that I would be delighted to have them. Any minute now they would be arriving via carriages to my palace, where they would be greeted the same way I would greet foreign dignitaries. I rued that I didn't have all day to spend with them, I was still a princess, but gosh darn it, I was going to make the most of it.
I walked out to the palace grounds flanked by my two officers just in time to see the three carriages full of the school foals arrive. My smile grew wider, when the first one stopped in front of the red carpet I had rolled out for their arrival. A servant opened the door, and Cheerilee stepped out to a chorus of trumpets heralding her arrival. A herald stepped beside the carpet and unfurled a scroll.
"Announcing the arrival of Lady Cheerilee of Ponyville!"
Cheerilee blushed, but I saw her smile widely all the same as she walked down the red carpet. Scootaloo hopped out next.
"Announcing the arrival of Lady Scootaloo of Ponyville!"
Scootaloo squealed in delight, her wings buzzing behind her as she hopped down the red carpet towards me.
"Announcing the arrival of Lady Sweetie Belle of Ponyville!"
"Announcing the arrival of Lady Apple Bloom of Ponyville!"
"Announcing the arrival of Lord Featherweight of Ponyville!"
Oh yeah, I think I just gave the kids the treat of their lives. Part of me wondered if I started the tour off strong; if they would be so enamored by that that they wouldn't even remember the rest of the day. They had just been treated like nobility by royalty. I'm going to guess that they were thrilled that their parents signed off on this. I know I was. Seeing them all again reminded me of my simple life in Ponyville, and today was going to be a little reminder of that. There was going to be an hour set aside where I would give them a lesson. Half of it would be about being royalty, the other about my world, just like when I was in Ponyville.
Well, after a few minutes, the kids were all at the end of the red carpet chattering excitedly about what had just happened to them. Cheerilee and I were beaming, me at the kids and Cheerilee at me. I raised a wing to quiet them down, and they fell silent, their grins never leaving their faces. "Good evening to you, Lords and Ladies of Ponyville." I swept my wing in front of me and bowed low before them. "It is my great honor to have you at the castle today. I will do everything in my power to make sure that your stay is as memorable as possible."
The kids all cheered and stomped their hooves, and I folded my wing back at my side. "I hope the train ride wasn't too bad."
"Nah, we spent it talkin' about this place!" said Apple Bloom. She giggled and bounced up and down. "We are so, so, so excited ta be here, Princess Antares!"
I chuckled and waved a hoof. "Please, Apple Bloom, it's just TD. You know me beyond this stuffy title and unimaginable power."
"We're on first name basis with a real princess!" Dinky squeed to Berry Pinch.
I ruffled her mane. "You'd better believe you are. Now come on: it's time for you guys to see my castle."
The kids cheered, and they followed Cheerilee and I into the castle. Captain Blaze and Lieutenant Rapids followed along behind us. As we walked inside, my face became solemn and I began speaking. "Now kids, I have something very important to tell you." I turned around. "This castle isn't completely safe for me. I assure you that it is quite safe for you and Ms. Cheerilee, but I am in constant danger here. You see..." I shifted my gaze to the left, then the right. "I am currently at war."
The kids all gasped, and even Cheerilee took an uneasy step backwards.
"What do you mean 'war?'" asked Silver Spoon.
"You all know who Prince Blueblood is, yes?" The kids nodded. "Good. You see, he is my eternal arch-nemesis. I smashed a pie in his face at the Grand Galloping Gala last year, and now he's out for revenge. He smashed a pie in my face in my very room! So, he and I are now involved in what will likely be the most infamous prank war Equestria has ever seen."
All of the kids 'ooh'ed while Cheerilee rolled her eyes. I think I heard her mumble something about how I 'never change.' Yeah, well, she'd do the same thing in my position.
"So," I continued on, "I may need your guys' help in said prank war." I began pacing back and forth in front of them like a general to his troops. "You see, Prince Blueblood is indeed in the castle right now, trying to win the war. I may need to make you honorary soldiers in my war against him to help turn the tide."
I would have continued, but Cheerilee cleared her throat. I turned my attention to her, and she jerked her head towards a side hallway. I sighed and rolled my eyes before turning to Captain Blaze. "Er... keep an eye on them, will ya?"
Captain Blaze saluted. "Yes, Princess. I understand. We all have marital problems regarding foal-rearing techniques sometimes. You go settle things with the wife. Lieutenant Rapids and I will take care of your young 'uns."
I snorted and followed a now blushing Cheerilee down the hall. We stopped about halfway down it, and I chuckled. "What can I say? I picked my snarcasti-guard well."
Cheerilee shook her head with a sigh. "I don't think anypony can argue with that." She looked back down the hallway towards the class. "Look, TD, I don't mean to criticize how you rule a nation and all that, but don't you think that it would be a bit wrong to get a class of foals involved in a political civil war?"
"It's just pranking Blueblood."
"I understand that," said Cheerilee patiently, "It's just that I don't think that their parents and guardians allowed them to go on a two-and-a-half hour train ride to another city just to pull pranks."
I flattened my ears and looked guiltily towards the kids. "Yeah... I guess not. Still, it's hard not to think of all of the ways to utilize them to get back at Blueblood." I grunted and beckoned Cheerilee to follow me back to the kids. "I guess the ball is in his court anyway."
Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What did you do?"
"I made him eat an apple pie." I waved the kids over before Cheerilee could respond, and they eagerly flocked over to me. My grin returned full force. "Okay, who'd like to see my room first? It's the one place in Equestria where nopony is allowed to go without my explicit permission. Not even Princess Celestia and Princess Luna."
The foals let out an awed noise, and I led them towards my room, spouting off random facts about anything they asked about on the way. It wasn't long before we reached my room, and I stopped them in front of it. "Now, what you are about to see here is something that very few other ponies alive have, or ever will see. It is my personal room, and I assure you that it is quite something." I shrugged. "Sort of."
With that, I ignited my horn and threw the door open.
Well, the room was sure something alright. I didn't expect that something to be all popcorn, but it was something.
I took a deep breath as the gathered ponies stared at the room that was one hundred percent filled with popcorn. Literally all we could see was a wall of popcorn. Now, I don't think that Blueblood has the brains to think up something this good, so I'm going to have to guess that his lawyer knows a prank or two. I turned to Cheerilee with a grim expression. "This is what I mean when I say that I am at war."
Cheerilee studied the popcorn wall for a minute before slowly nodding and turning to me. I was delighted to see a mischievous look in her eye. "Let's get him."
"Excellent!" I flapped my wings excitedly and turned to the kids. "Now kids, remember when I said that I may need your help to win the war against Prince Blueblood? Well, I think now is the time to use your special skills to help me."
The kids burst out into loud cheers, and I glanced over at Cheerilee, who was just short of rubbing her hooves together.
"What do you want us to do?!" asked Scootaloo.
I chuckled and patted her on the head. "The first thing that I'm going to have you do is eat candy. Lots of sticky, gooey candy."
Cheerilee's smile fell ever so slightly.
* * * *
I stood outside of my throne room, knowing that Prince Blueblood was on the other side. I had spent the last hour getting ready, and now was the hour of one of my greatest triumphs. I regretted that it involved letting Blueblood think that he had one of his own, but it would work out in the end.
I rubbed my eyes to make them appear bloodshot and heavy, then flattened my ears before walking into the throne room. Sure enough, Blueblood was standing in front of my throne, his smug grin having returned. He gave me his mocking bow when he saw me come in.
"Good afternoon, Princess Antares." He let out a fake gasp. "You look terrible! Is anything the matter?"
I grumbled something unintelligible as I sat down on my throne. "Some dork put popcorn in my room. I mean really filled the place. I've spent the past hour cleaning it out. I only just got it done."
"Aww." Blueblood clicked his tongue. "That is unfortunate. I wonder who could have pulled that brilliant prank."
I sighed and shrugged. "I don't know. I just know that it came at a bad time. I have this nonsense with you, on top of the fact that your admirers found out that you're here."
Blueblood's condescending expression faded into one of confusion. "Er... admirers?"
"Yeah." I rubbed my temples. "A group of ponies found out that you're here, and now they're desperate to meet you. They said that they really admire and respect you."
Blueblood's smug expression returned full force. "Well, well, well, it seems that you are not the only one who has ponies groveling at their hooves. Where are these admirers?"
"Just outside the throne room. I had to push past them to get in. There are quite a few."
"Well we must send them in!" Blueblood chuckled and began strutting in front of me. "I'll show you what a refined crowd of admirers looks like, not the rabble of mindless children that you have."
You know, he really could not have worded that any better. I motioned for the door guards to open the door, and immediately the entire class, sticky from the candy I had fed them, bolted into the room straight at Blueblood.
"PRINCE BLUEBLOOD!" They all cried at once.
Blueblood had to take a moment to register that a wall of sticky foals was barreling straight towards him, but when it finally clicked he let out a scream so high pitched that bats would have no trouble hearing it. He tried to run in the opposite direction, but I used my magic to grab onto his tail, keeping him in place.
I will remember the slo-mo of the foals running at him forever. While I'm sure that they had eaten their fair share, they had really gone all out to make sure that they were as messy as possible. In a stroke of genius, Sweetie Belle had even stuck a few pieces in her mane. On one hoof, I would imagine that Rarity would kill me for that. On the other, considering the cause, she'd support the endeavor in full.
Well, given that Blueblood wasn't exactly going anywhere, he was tackled to the ground by the wall of foals, all of whom proceeded to hug him to the best of their abilities. Sweetie Belle even took a piece of candy off of her mane and stuck it onto Blueblood's before pressing down, revealing that the candy was a caramel. He'd be trying to scrub it out for hours.
Oh, it was so nice to see Blueblood at the mercy of the foals, especially when you consider the fact that my poor staff did have to clean up the popcorn in my room. The lawyer was coerced into helping, though, so it evens out.
After a few minutes, an exasperated, but still clearly amused, Cheerilee walked into the throne room, snapped a picture, and herded the foals out so that they could get cleaned up. They bounced out like they were hyped up on all of the sugar, chattering excitedly about what had just happened. That left just me and a shivering Blueblood in the room. I sighed contentedly and hopped off of my throne.
"You were saying something about foals?" Blueblood whimpered and continued shivering. I clicked my tongue and leaned in close to him. "Don't break into my room again, okay? I could literally have you arrested for that." I straightened up and began walking out of the room to continue the tour before a thought struck me. I turned my head back to Blueblood. "By the way: you're trying to get the person who pied you prosecuted. Well, you were pied by the human TD Powell, who legally doesn't exist anymore."
Win.
Is Blueblood done in the story? Nah, not really. Is he done for now? For sure.
Now... the next chapter is going to be really heavy. REALLY heavy. But, I wouldn't put it in if I didn't feel like I needed to. I feel that what's going to happen in it is going to reveal more about TD's character, his role as a princess, and Equestria itself than a prank war with Blueblood.
More TD alicorn fan art.
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Well, that was awesome.
There's that word again."Heavy"! Why are things so heavy in Equestria? Is there a problem with the planet's gravitational pull?
man now i want to see what TD looks like with an etheral mane
I wonder how she looks with the ethereal mane.
I saw somewhere a picture, how she looks "normal".
Otherwise, I know that Blueblood is a
prick,eh.. bad, but was it a bit too much for him?...
Nah, he deserves it.
Amazing. Simply amazing. Nice to see Blueblood get what he deserves, the smug sumbitch.
Unleashing Cheerilee´s entire classroom over Blueblood? That´s a ...cruel and unusual punishment.
I Love it!
i.ytimg.com/vi/7Yr-UH0tHTg/0.jpg
Fantastic chapter. I love the Blueblood-TD dynamic. Blueblood really needs to learn not to feed the trolls.
3280457 Yeah from what's known of Blueblood that ain't happening any time soon.
I love it when you pull a prank by not pranking them!
Also, holding blue blood down by his tail while can't coated foals hug him is hilarious.
Aw men I really was hoping this is the end of Blue blood, I really don't want him to keep TD going back instead of forward
I couldn't even laugh. I was "not-breathing" too hard to laugh.
Lies, TD. You laced it with malicious manipulation and mental trauma!
I feel like there's a lot of parallels here between TD and Trollestia.
Well written like usual. Keep the pranks coming!
"And thus, after a long and... rather lopsided conflict, the moron prince fell. And it was good." -Me
3280411 Dat reference
I have a feeling that Luna and Trollestia would actually not have too many problems with turning a blind eye to this war.
TD WINS!
FOALTALITY!!!
DAMMIT THIS IS THE SECOND STORY TO NEARLY SLAY ME WITH LAUGHTER IN 2 DAYS
3280876
I like that one, I'll have to write down to use later.
That was so awesome and hilarious. So needed it today. Thanks.
Hope there's an update soon! This story is just so AWSOME!!!
Win indeed. That apple pie was genius, the best way to prank someone is to get in their head and make them THINK you did something, and then do nothing at all. And it seems princess of pastries is working out for him, huh?
I really would have liked to see Cheerilee's face through all of this. Captain Blaze is brilliant.
3280876
This is brilliant
FOALTALITY!!
Literally...
3280438 dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/81530720/TD.jpg
OH NO! PUT THIS UGLY THING OUT OF COVER WINDOW! I WILL DRAW YOU BETTER COVER JUST PUT THAT TERRIBLE THING OUT!
3281496 Cool. Thanks so much for your reply.
3281503 I... what?
3281515
Return old cover into place, in exchange I will draw new one for you.
3281522 Uh... okay. Are you still going to try for one for Life of a Non-Brony too?
Egh... i dont know. There is not so much inspiration in it.
3281536 I see. At any rate, I changed the cover art back.
3281537
The sketch will be in a weekend,
3281556 So this Sat/Sunday?
3281559
yes. if you want ro put any specifics - send me a message
3280876 That is pretty funny.
Man, Blueblood certainly got himself in a sticky situation there...
The chapter was okay-ish.
The quips were great... but since they're all alone and no substantial 3rd-party is judging them, the pranks seem ineffective
Clever writing though!.
SHIT WENT DOWN!!!
TD should have the popcorn transferred to Blueblood's room for easy storage. That way Blueblood has to dig a little to get his things before he leaves.
Blues was out of his league the moment TD brought in the most destructive force in Equestrian history
The CMC
3281766yeah, it was rather foalish of him
3283107
Well, at least he lost such a childish war.
P.S. Are you a unicorn?
TD broke the best princess meter already, but now im sure his(her) rank is so high that it went past the over 9000 mark and is now orbiting interstellar space. although I am kinda sad that legally he no longer exists, and that only people who know him really well will call him TD, I kinda like the sound of Princess TD (but im biasesd), mabey by the end he will be called TD again, since his identity iis out now it kinda doesn't matter. either way, I am exited for what you will do next with the story, since you said it will be heavy.
3283210whydoeseveryonekeepaskingimnounicornnosireenounicornhereOH LOOK A SQUIRREL
*runs away*
3283337
I KNEW UNICORNS WERE REAL! WAIT FOR ME!
*begins to chase you in the HL2 dune buggy*
Now for my secret weapon. LUDICROUS SPEED, GO!
That... was pretty lopsided, for sure. One would have thought that there would be guards posted outside the room of a princess though, waiting to intercept any would-be ne'er-do-wells. Then again, things backfired on Blueblood so spectacularly that it worked out for the best. I particularly like how Blueblood flounders for recognition of his pranks, particularly with the pie. That was very funny.
When I saw this earlier today was the fan art the actually cover art for a little bit?