Diary of a Ruler

by Lamia

Entry 512 - Sin

Time is still so fruitless to me. The neverending constant in all that can be known... it wears down and destroys all with its power, including myself. My growing, dispassionate feelings for the warring ponies only become worse as they feud, my opinions being meaningless to them. I am a figurehead, a puppet for everypony to use as a method to further their goals.

I begin to notice my worth. The opinion of such a thing is purely subjective, so why will I not get a second opinion? The fear of the reminder of truth from another; it must be a matter of pride. I would rather be spared to be told such things, as I can do without their opinions. However, every time I look away from myself, there are others that have much better lives. I can see them even now, in secluded places far from the destruction. When I look at them, I have such a disturbing feeling.

The envy I feel over ponies whose simplicities give them better lives than my own... It destroys all of my motivation. I should not continue, I should abandon this life. Why should I waste my effort over something that there is no reward for? They do not respect me, my actions and opinions. I may as well do what others have done, to take advantage of my position and make my life better for me, satisfying my needs only so that I can live on easier.

Such satisfaction bothers me; I desire something even more fruitful than that. A hint of greed, perhaps? Am I becoming far too dislocated from my conventions? It is difficult to remember a time when I would not give all of this a second thought. When looking within, I can only see myself in this way: I want to have the attention and recognization of my subjects as I have for so long before. I want to be able to have a voice, for all to listen to what I have to say. I want to have everything that will allow me joy in the world, but I know that is not possible.

I try and try, and receive nothing in return despite my significant efforts. Perhaps I should simply leave this place. I should go and be a simple pony within the others, living a normal life without responsibility. The short time that I had gone into disguise was one of the most wonderful times in my life, when I had nothing to worry about. Being slothful has its merits, as I can attest to personally. I may as well do little, as life does not appear very friendly when I look at the world as a whole.

Every time I look at myself in this way, I can only hate the way that I am. The fact that I have these feelings and thoughts grate at my mind every single day of my life, and I cannot stand it. My frustration over my own emotions and dilemmas causes others to suffer bouts of my wrath. The feelings and thoughts of others are not spared. I become malevolent, almost an entirely different pony, and I look back upon it with a rationalized lack of regret. Other ponies become nothing to me; they would not be able to understand me, so I should forget about such matters.

When I must pass the time, I try to find activities that will satisfy me. There is very little for one such as I to turn to, but there is always the obvious: the joys of lust and gluttony. These feelings of short-lived happiness are then torn down in the face of reality, subverting purpose and emptying my soul. No matter how I continue my life, the day is always bleak. What else can I do but escape from it all by writing in my diary...

Even so, the actions of others become apparent to me as I sit alone in my study. When I think about all that I have accomplished to this point for the ponies to kill and destroy each other, they bother me. It bothers me. I begin to look at myself. I begin to notice my worth.

Comments

[That_one_guy]

The outcome of all this looks bleaker and bleaker.

[Xaldon Ajide]

i wonder if twi'll be back if only to help celly become good again?

[dancingmad]

Oh boy...

[guuguuguuguu]

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[-Hidden Identity-]

Good stuff going down here, I will continue to read.

We can't just let the rulers of Equestria be happy/truly benign at heart, can we? Oh well, more entertainment for me.

[Ignorance]

It was always a habit of mine to be discouraged when I see chapters that don't even crest 1k words. (Probably bad of me, but I think others feel similar).

But then your story comes along, and the short entries actually help and makes sense. (Great story!)

That being said, It's a pretty common theme I think for authors to write Celestia's reaction to Twilight's death. (As a reader it's always cool to see this scenario play out in the multitude of ways it can.) You've done a really good job capturing it I feel.

Carry on! I'm predicting Celestia's going to fall victim to a "Nightmare Moon" Scenario.

[Spitszs]

Has Celestia tried to confide her feelings to Luna yet? No mention of her for a while now I wonder what she's been up to solo ruling the kingdom for decade till celly returned.

[rumblealex]

Sweet, sweet Celestia...

I decided to begin reading this story tonight.

I never thought I would go through a range of emotion this wide...

Moments ago I was overfilled with joy for Twi and Tia. Now.... I breaks my heart to see where this is leading... When Twilight passes away, Celestia lost her guiding light... I just feel like she wanders aimlessly, until something even more regretful happens, and only then she realize how... unprincesslike she's been... Then I would suspect the whole story to repeat itself. She'll remedy to the situation by attending to her royal duties without end, 24/24, until something - or rather somepony sweep her routine away once again...

It's a sad story, but I feel like it could be very possible....

This fiction is really worth more attention than it actually gets. It's sad that it cannot be accepted on EqD because of this rather stupid 2,500 or so words minimum, where it could help this amazing fiction get the spotlight it really deserves.

[Lamia]

708031
actually I did attempt to submit it, but it can't be accepted due of the broken-up narrative and lack of story; epistolaries with short chapter lengths are fine
I'm not really sure how to fix it without subverting the basis of it all

[Rarityshy]

It sounds like Nightmare sun is about to come out, and that both terrifies and fascinates me I just hope Luna can stop her before she does to much damage

[Ragwellblade]

Sorry, I don’t usually talk this long but…
This is...this is really well put together. While i can't speak for the general trends in pony fiction, the way that this is structured makes it sorta clear that this was the only possible outcome that could occur. Even way back in the first chapter the feelings of disenchantment, alienation, and general melancholy were pretty apparent and -in hindsight- going in a pretty bad direction. It was mostly forgotten about during the twilight...arc? section? Era? Lets go with era. But it was still there clearly enough that what seems may be a flying leap into hedonism and/or villainy (from our perspective. There are after all missing entries we’re just not seeing), is not only perfectly sensible but tragically inevitable.
I only now am wondering how this is going to finally end, seeing as twilight is very much not alive at this point, and it seems that Celestia has no one that she can truly call on bonds wise.

[ArguingPizza]

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[jasoncookies]

Celestia's downhill spiral really tears me up inside.