• Member Since 21st Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

StormLuna


E

Rarity begins to offer credit to her customers. She puts in fine print in the credit contract that not everypony reads and her way of "collecting their debt" is very unconventional and is frowned upon by everypony in Ponyville.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 15 )

Well that was a good fic :moustache:

I might suggest you get an editor but apart from that, great job.

A few light grammatical errors but nothing major. Although:

"Welcome to Rarity's Boutique, where everything is chic and unique.  What brings you in today?"

I think you mean:

Welcome to The Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique and magnifique.

Rarity asked, "Octavia, aren't you going to read the fine print at the bottom of the page?"
Octavia replied, "No, It probably isn't important enough for me to waste my time with.  So how much will be going on my credit account?"

There is no facepalm epic enough for this :rainbowlaugh:

Rarity replied, "I don't know that kind of magic Spike.  The most advanced thing I know is levitating things."

I see what you did there :rainbowlaugh:

Silver Shield looked at Octavia and said, "Well we are going to have to go into your home and look for clues.  Thieves usually leave behind clues.  Let's go take a look."

Good theives don't :moustache:

Great idea and story you have here, I just want to shoot you a few ideas of mine :twilightsmile:

This along with the broken claw of Spike's could be costly for the pair.

You've been foreshadowing Rarity and Spike being caught breaking into Octavia's house through investigation of the evidence. A general rule you see being thrown around is "Show, not tell". I think this applies to this, there was no need to add to this sentence as you've implied this through leaving identifiable evidence behind. If you understand what I mean here. :twilightsheepish:

Another thing, you often delve into short descriptions of what the characters are telling each other. I would love more showing of this than telling. Show the ridiculous drama Octavia kicks up! Show her being resentful towards Rarity and refusing to pay for her dress because of that!

I do like this story, I don't deny that. I gave you the pointers so you may consider how to become an even better writer in the future. :yay:

Now Octavia learns that fine print is the devil. :pinkiecrazy:

I really liked it. Very interesting using the fine print, there were some words that were used too much but still awesome I give it 4:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache: out of five

"If the customer does not pay the full balance within ninety days Rarity's Boutique reserves the right to turn the account over to collections,

Totally normal. And fairly effective.

sue the customer

Also totally normal, although it runs the risk of looking like you are 'lawsuit crazy' when you do it.

or go into their home and confiscate personal property to make up for the balance owed."

*thunk* *jaw hit floor!* D: ...Oh shi-

2999590 As they say... "The Devil is in the Details..." XD

I liked that story it was really good.

Very cute and a really neat concept too. I would suggest you work on descriptions and scenes as sometimes they fell a bit flat. Either way you're a great author and I'm sure will go far :twilightsmile::pinkiesmile::yay:

2998805 I didn't even notice those errors until you mentioned them. Sometimes I read through my stories and see A LOT of errors which makes me feel kind of like a dunce.

I didnt like how much of self entitled bitch octavia had been portrayed.
For the only two appearances she has had, i doubt she would be anywhere near this petty.
Maybe if it was somepony else being the bitch, i may find this story more believable and even enjoyable.



.....that and Octavia is literally my favorite of the backround character, so maybe im just biased.

4459919 It is your opinion Marcus and it matters just as much as anypony else's does. I chose to portray Octavia in this manner because she reminds me a lot of some upper class petty individuals I know.

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