Chapter 1
Jesus comes to Ponyville
It was Friday night in Ponyville and the main six were standing around Twilight’s library. It was almost a perfect evening, the sky was clear and the stars we're bright, Luna’s big full moon hung in the sky in a picturesque fashion. It was on immaculate summer evening’s like this the group liked to go out for the night and relax, but tonight was different.
“When is this friend of yours going to arrive?” Asked Twilight to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow had told all her friends that they had to meet a new friend she met and hang out tonight. “Yeah we’ve been waiting for 45 minutes and the beer garden in the center of town is letting ponies in for half price. Octavia’s gonna put on a fiddle performance.” Said Applejack with a touch of disappointment. “And I want to go the dance club, they have two for one drinks on Friday!” whined Pinkie Pie.
“Will you Ponies just relax, this guy is undoubtedly the coolest guy I have ever met. We’re gonna have way more fun with him then in any dance club of boring beer garden.” She rolled her eyes. “Well if you say so.” Replied applejack sounding a little more satisfied. “I just hope he ain’t anything like Gilda.” She mumbled. “And how did you meet this new acquaintance Rainbow?” asked Rarity, who was loafing on Twilights couch twirling her pristine hair. “I met him in Canterlot when I was there last weekend.” Twilight’s ears perked at this. “Ohh, he’s from Canterlot? Is he a unicorn?”
Rainbow chuckled “No he’s not from Canterlot he said he was from a town faraway from here called Nazareth, I saw him in a concert, he’s the front man in a rock band called “The Disciples”, and he certainly isn’t a unicorn. I hooked up with him at the after party and had a blast!” “So he’s your coltfreind?” Asked rarity. “Heck no, he’s not even a pony.” Every other pony looked at her strangely. “Oh, umm what did you say his name was again?” said Fluttershy softly. “Jesus Christ” replied Rainbow.
Almost as if on queue a loud roar but closer to a rumble was heard outside. Twilight’s front window was light up with almost blinding lights as the rumble drew closer. “Oh no it’s a big scary dragon!” Squeaked Fluttershy as she began to cower on the ground.” “Awesome he’s here!” yelped Rainbow, as the lights were suddenly cut and the rumble stopped. They heard a metallic sounding clunk and saw a large shadow pass by the window. A second later came three knocks but more like pounds on Twilight’s door Rainbow rushed to the door and swung it open.
Every other pony’s eyes went wide as a tall figure of a man ducked into the smaller doorway. “Everyone, this is Jesus!” Stated Dash as she beamed standing next to the tall figure. “Whoa a hollow tree! This place is fu—ing gnarly!” Said the man in a gruff excited voice. The ponies didn’t notice the cuss word as they were all fixated on the sight in front of them. He was dressed in a log white robe and wore wood sandals on his feet. He had blue eyes, long straight brown hair and a short facial beard. On top of his head he had a crown looking thing that appeared to be made out of thorns and for some reason his head was softly glowing. They had all heard of humans but they knew they were few and far between and never though they would actually see one.
They all gathered around to meet the first human they ever saw. “Well shucks it’s nice to meet you Mr. Jesus.” Said Applejack. Excitably shaking his hand with her hoof. “It’s a pleasure.” Said rarity stepping forward. "Likewise." said Twilight introducing herself with a smile. She had so many questions for him but couldn’t get a word in edgewise as Pinkie Pie was Bouncing up and down hysterically “Oh my gosh! A human in Ponyville! We have to through a party and play games and eat cake and pie and play pin the tail on the pony and-.“ She was cut off like by Jesus. “Damn straight were gonna party!” He said loudly giving Pinkie a high five/hoof. “I found and awesome bar off the edge of the Everfree when I was mudding there today.” “Mudding?” asked Applejack. “Yeah it was off the chain! I just hope Ponyville is a cooler place to party the Canterlot, They’re so stuck up there.” “Tell me about it.” Said Dash. Twilight felt a little bad about this but then realized that it was actually true.
“Don’t worry about it Jesus, were gonna party Ponyville style tonight!” Dash spoke up again hovering in the air. “Right on!” he said. “But first we gotta pre-game in this awesome place.” He set a large brown paper bag on the coffee table, no one had noticed it until now, he pulled out a few bottles of Jägermeister and some shot glasses. “What’s that?” asked Rarity. “Holy water.” Said Jesus with a grin. He lined up six shot glasses in a row and poured the first bottle of Jager over the top of all of all six filling them perfectly equally with out spilling a drop.
“Wow, how did you do that? Asked Rainbow. “RD I’m Jesus, I can do anything!” “Right!” replied Rainbow picking up a glass “C’mon guys grab one! Were gonna get down tonight!” She shouted with a sinister grin. The six all took up a shot glass in their hooves. Jesus pulled out a fresh bottle and opened it for himself. “Hey everyone! To friendship and Rock and Roll!” He said raising his bottle. (Not too much so the smaller ponies could reach it) Friendship was one thing they could all agree on and they were always ready to meet new friends. “To friendship!" They all happily shouted as they all put their shot glasses to his bottle and downed the shot in one gulp (Except for Fluttershy who did it in two). As Jesus chugged almost the entire second bottle. “Ohh it tastes like liquorish!” Exclaimed Pinkie.
“Yeah Rock and Roll!” cried Rainbow as she slammed her glass back on the table. “Oh please Rainbow, it’s only Rock and Roll.” Said Rarity who was never one for that style of music. “But I like it.” Said Rainbow. “Whoa don’t put down Rock and Roll that’s how I make my living sister! Me and the band have been touring all over Equestria ” Proclaimed Jesus nearly shouting after pounding his bottle. “Sorry I didn’t mean to- Hey don’t worry about it baby, after tonight you’re all going to love Rock and Roll as much as me!” he said cutting her off. He began to pour more shots of the tasty dark liquor. “Hey you guys wanna see something awesome.” He said with a wild look in his eyes, he pointed at Twilight.
”What did you say your name was?” “Twilight Sparkle.” She said. “Cool Twilight, do me solid and go get me a big glass of water.” She shrugged thinking he was just thirsty for something more then liquor and returned a few seconds later levitating a tall glass of water from the kitchen. “Alright girls watch this!” he snapped his fingers and the water instantly turned dark red. Twilight's eyes went wide, “You can do magic too!” she exclaimed. “Hell yeah, and that ain’t water no more it’s wine baby!” “No way!” shouted Pinkie as she pushed her way up front and took up the glass and tasted it. “It is wine! And it’s so good.” she shouted with excitement. “Let me try.” Snapped Rarity as she grabbed the glass from pinkie and took a gulp. “This is the best wine I’ve ever had.” She proclaimed quietly but with no less sincerity.
Twilight was next to try it. She couldn’t believe it, this man just turned ordinary tap water into the most exquisite wine she ever tasted, and this was some serious magic. “Almost a…miracle.” She thought. She took another long drink from the glass. She saw Fluttershy staring longingly at the glass and stopped. She passed the rest to her friend, letting her finish the miracle liquid. “See guy’s I told you Jesus was awesome.” Rainbow commented. “So, how does my blood taste?” Jesus said with a smirk, he was now leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed feeling pretty cocky.
Fluttershy spit out the last of the wine. “Your..your..blood?” she said meekly a worried look in her eyes. Jesus slapped his knee and laughed. “Nah I’m just screwin’ with ya, it’s an inside joke.” He said. He reached in his robe and pulled out a pack of Marlboro Red’s. He stuck one in his mouth and reveled a silver Zippo out of nowhere and popped it open with one hand and lit his cigarette. He took a long drag and blew it out his nose. “Umm. Excuse me, Jesus but this is Ponyville’s public library and you can’t smoke in here. Twilight tried not to sound like a nag, he probably just didn’t know.
Jesus took another drag, “Alright fine.” He said as smoke poured out of his mouth. He ashed it into what was left of his bottle of Jägermeister. He passed out the next round of shots. The Ponies took the next round of shots and put their glasses back down. Twilight had never drank like this before and was getting a little worried but Rainbow and Pinkie drank all the time at parties and she didn’t want to be a wet towel. She put her concerns out of her head. And Jesus did seem like a nice guy even if he was a little rowdy, and she couldn’t let her opportunity to meet a human get away from her. She needed to take mental notes on him. Besides what’s the worst that could happen, she was an adult after all. She could go out and have a good time and handle herself….right?
“Hey Jesus I got a question fer ya.” Said Applejack feeling a little light headed. “How come yer head is glowing?” It was a question they were all wondering. “Because I’m Jesus freaking Christ!” he said. “I see.” She said. “Now are we gonna get this show on the road or what” he said walking to the door. All the ponies followed him outside in front of the library. They all froze and stared at the monstrosity that was parked in the front of Twilight’s tree house. They all realized that it was what made the bright lights and loud rumble when he had first arrived.
In front of them was a 1972 Chevrolet Blazer with a bikini top and no doors and a silver roll bar with a rack of four KC lights on top. It was painted flat black and sat high on 35-inch tires. On the hood was a painting of a female human wearing a blue robe and a white shawl over her head and standing on a snake. On the chrome back bumper was a bumper sticker that read “What Would I Do?” “What is this thing?” Asked Pinkie as they stared at the odd metal triangle in front of them.
“This is my chariot.” said Jesus smugly as he patted the hood walking around and pulled himself into the drivers seat. “Does it fly?” asked Twilight with wide eyes. She was interested in this technology she had never seen before. “It sure does, but not in the way you’re thinking of. I just picked it up from the shop, had a 454 installed.” “C’mon guys this thing is sweet, he took me for a ride in it in Canterlot.” said Rainbow “Shotgun!” she cried as she flew into the passenger seat. “What’s a shotgun?” asked Fluttershy. “Jesus said it’s what you call the seat next to the driver.” Replied Rainbow. “Let’s go get in the back.” Applejack hopped into the back of the tall vehicle in one bound as Fluttershy hovered over to it cautiously. They both helped Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie climb in the back.
The bench seat made for three humans easily fit the five small ponies as they all sat down. Pinkie was grinning with excitement while Twilight and Rarity looked all over the interior trying to understand just what it was they were in. Applejack lazily slouched in the comfortable seat in between her friends obviously impressed by such engineering. “Humans certainly did posses some great technology,” thought Twilight. Jesus took off his crown of thorns and put it around his rearview mirror. He opened up the center console and pulled out a blue bandanna and tied it around his forehead. “All right lets bounce.” Said Jesus as he pulled out a key with a red rabbits foot attached to a keychain on it. (Luckily Fluttershy didn’t see it) He stuck it in the dash and turned it. With a loud rumble that made the pink and yellow pegasus squeak, the “chariot” came to life.
A few ponies off the streets stopped and stared at the odd machine idling in front of the library and the strange being in the front of it. And what were the Mane Six doing with it? Jesus picked up a small plastic rectangle off the floor “Do you ponies like Twisted Sister?” He asked talking louder over the very audible burble of his V8. “My sister is kind of twisted.” Said a white unicorn with a giggle. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Said Jesus and put the cassette in the tape deck. A loud symphony of grinding guitars and drums filled the Blazer thanks to an amped up stereo system. “Wow more magic.” Thought Twilight.
With that Jesus put it into drive and stomped on the throttle. With a roar the machine peeled out in a cloud of dust and lurched forward. At first everyone was taken aback buy the speed but soon fell at ease thanks to the drinks they had had, and this was pretty fun. “Woohoo!” Yelled pinkie sticking her head out the exposed side letting the wind blow her mane, she opened her mouth, wind blew her drool all over the side of he face. Ponies allover Ponyville watched in awe at the strange sight passed by them. None of them had an explanation for it. In the cab Jesus pulled a knob and the row of KC lights light up the entire street and sidewalks causing any passerby’s that were looking to shield their eyes with their hooves.
Jesus pulled out his pack of Marlboro's while driving only to realize that the pack was empty. He tossed it out the side. “Hey RD reach in the glove box, I got another pack of smoke’s in it.” “Sure.” She said and opened it and handed Jesus a fresh pack of cigarettes. “Hey Jesus, what’s this?” she said pulling out a fancy piece of metal in the shape of an “L” It was gold plated with extensive engraving. The smaller part of the “L” had mother of pearl covers on it with a large black lower case “t” emblem in it. The other ponies leaned forward to see what Rainbow was talking about. Rarity’s eyes lit up at the sight of the beautiful piece of metal. “Oh Jesus that’s simply beautiful, is it jewelry? She asked. Jesus looked over. “Whoa RD! Be careful with that! That isn’t jewelry, It’s my piece.” He snatched it from her and stuffed it in his robe. “What’s a piece?” asked Applejack. “It’s uh…more magic.” He mumbled with a cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth. “You guys ask too many questions, Jesus knows what he’s doing. Just roll with it.” Said Rainbow turning back in her seat.
“Hey Jesus do you got the stuff?” Rainbow asked turning to him. Jesus just laughed and flicked his half smoked cigarette out the side. He reached behind his long hair and pulled out what looked like a cigarette from behind his ear only this one was longer and fatter and wrapped in something brown. He lit it with his Zippo and took a long drag and blew out thick white smoke coughing just a little and passed it to Rainbow she did the same and held it in a little longer and blew out with a satisfied sigh. She turned around in her seat and passed the item to Pinkie Pie. Pinkie looked at it puzzled “What is it?” she asked. “I don’t use tobacco.” “This isn’t tobacco.” Said Rainbow, “It’s more magic from Jesus.” Said dash with a wink “Oh okay then!” said pinkie convinced. She took it in her mouth and sucked in the smoke. She took it out with her hoof and passed it to Twilight coughing it out almost immediately. “I don’t know about this.” Said Twilight looking at the strange smelling cigarette like thing.
“C’mon Twilight don’t be a square” said Rainbow. “Didn’t you like the wine?” “Well…alright but just a little.” She took the blunt from Pinkie and inhaled the sour tasting smoke from it slowly and passed it to Applejack. After passing it around a few times every pony was thoroughly stoned and none had regretted it. It was the best feeling they had ever had. Twilight could feel her whole body tingle and Pinkie couldn’t stop giggling. This was the best magic Jesus had shown them. Pretty high at this point a glossy eyed Rarity leaned over the seat. “Jesus you must tell me who that lovely human is painted on the front of you’re…you’re…thing.” She lazily said not quite sure what to call the Blazer. “Oh you mean Mary! That’s my mama!” he proclaimed proudly. “She looks absolutely elegant.” She said back.
Scootaloo and her two friends Sweetie Belle and Applebloom were standing in the dirt road in front of the driveway to Sweet Apple Acers. They had spent the day trying to be “Cutie Mark Crusaders Septic Tank Cleaners” with unsuccessful and smelly results. “Well girls, we’ll try again tomorrow. It’s getting late and I have to get home to take a bath.” Said Scootaloo standing on her scooter getting ready to ride home. Just then they heard a loud rumble behind them as bright white light lit up the road they were standing in. it was coming from a large cloud of dust that was noisily approaching them at a very fast clip. “It’s a dragon! Hide!” cried Applebloom. They all jumped into a nearby bush and hunkered down as the beast drew closer. In all the excitement Scootaloo forgot her scooter in the road. As the Blazer tore by at about 70mph 35-inch super swamper tires crushed it into splinters. As the sound of the exhaust note and loud music died away they stepped out of the bush and watched two red taillights enveloped in dust fade away in the distance. They were at a loss for words. Scootaloo just looked at what was left of her favorite toy and began to cry.
Everypony in the blazer was too stoned to realize what just happened as they were all bobbing their head to sound of the Twisted Sister album Jesus was blasting out of his stereo, Except for Pinkie who was furiously head banging with her head out the side. They slowed as they approached the Everfree Forest. They were not to far from Fluttershy’s cottage. Jesus pulled the blazer into a dirt parking lot; on the other side of it was an old barn that had been converted into a single room bar a few years ago. It was quite run down looking, a large blue neon sign stood on it's roof, it read “The Trough”. The “T” in trough kept flickering in and out. “We’re going to this place?” Said Rarity almost disappointed. They had all heard about it and we’re told it was bad news. A lot of crime happened hear and ponies that most would call “Bad Apples” usually came here along with other unsavory creatures the came from the Everfree forest. But none had actually been. And at this point they didn’t have much choice. Jesus parked the truck by a few carriages and stagecoaches and turned it off. A few greasy looking ponies that were standing outside smoking cigarettes looked at the group and the transportation they were in.
Jesus jumped down and started heading towards the entrance followed closely by Rainbow Dash. “Let’s go girls this is gonna be fun!” shouted Pinkie and hopped down. The other four ponies followed Pinkie up to the bar entrance. “Hey, hey, hey baby lookin’ good.” one of the greasy looking ponies rudely said to Rarity as she passed. “Humph” she stuck her nose up and walked passed. They laughed and stared at her flank as kept walking. “Losers.” she thought. Jesus opened the Door in to the dingily light bar. It was filled with cigarette smoke and was crowded with rough looking ponies, donkeys and a few griffins. A few pool tables we’re occupied off to the right and the left was mostly tables and in the back was the bar with a few stools still open. Everypony stared at him for a few seconds but eventually lost interest and went back to their drinks and conversations, they had seen weirder. Jesus and his new troupe of pony friends stepped up to the bar as the jukebox began to play Aretha Franklin’s cover of “Son of a Preacher Man”. The group managed to get seven bar stools together. Pinkie took up a stool next to a chubby looking grey earth pony with a scar across his face. She grinned wide at him. He snorted in her face and went back to his pint of beer. She frowned and turned around toward Applejack who was sitting next to her feeling slightly intimidated. “First round is on me! Bartender, whiskey all around” yelled Jesus slapping some bits down on the counter. In a few seconds a gruff looking blue unicorn with a gray pompadour mane levitated 7 shots of bourbon in front of each of them.
They each downed their shots. Some sappy sounding music started playing on the jukebox. “Satan Damnit, I hate Coldplay!” he yelled as he pounded a fist on the bar. “Who’s Satan?” Asked Twilight. “Just an old friend of mine.” Said Jesus as he picked up the pint he ordered and walked over to the jukebox. He pushed aside a scrawny looking brown pony with glasses. “Get some class kid, this stuff sucks,” he said bluntly dropping some bits in the music machine as the brown pony slunk away. ZZ Top started blaring from the speakers.
An hour later Twilight was slumped in her bar stool with seven more empty shot glasses in front of her. Her eyes were bloodshot and her mane was a mess, she was supposed to be taking notes her new human friend but right now it was all she could do to just watch him play pool with Applejack and two big ugly looking earth ponies, a dark red one with a messy black mane wearing a black vest. “Death before Dishonor” embroidered into the back of it in gold stitch. And a balding white one that had an eye patch and brass knuckles as a cutie mark, he was missing several teeth.
The two sets of partners were now battling for the 8 ball. She looked to her left and saw Fluttershy in an equally disheveled state, face down on the bar table. Next to her Pinkie was still guzzling beer and stuffing her face with a greasy deep fried dandelion sandwich. It almost made twilight gag just thinking about it. Rarity was off to side with a small group of stallions around her. After a few drinks she warmed up to their advances and was happy to be the center of attention. “Hey baby you look lonely sittin’ hear all by yourself.” Said a crooked tooth green pony with a greasy straight brown main and put his foreleg around Twilights shoulder. She shrugged it off. “Hehe.” she nervously giggled, “I’m flattered really…but.” “Buck off buddy! She’s not interested.” Rainbow dash butted in and shoved him back. He gave her a glare that almost Rainbow regret getting physical, but he walked off without a word.
She turned back to Twilight “You okay?” Twilight leaned forward and steadied herself on Rainbows shoulder. “I thing wegotta a probl’m.” she slurred Pointing over at the pool table. Rainbow turned and saw Jesus and Applejack arguing With the red and white earth ponies. “You cheated!” shouted the red pony “Your just jealous you lost, you can’t beat Jesus!” yelled Jesus. “I’m gonna kick your freak human ass!” The red pony growled through his yellow teeth, and started to walk toward the man.
Jesus jumped up on the pool table and threw his hands up and yelled, “Oh come at me all ye faithful!” And Kicked the red pony in the face, as he was knocked to his rear his eye patched partner picked up a pool ball in his hoof and chucked it at Jesus. He swiftly dodged it and the pool ball hit a yellow pony in the forehead behind him who was watching. He jumped off the pool table and picked up a cue and cracked the white earth pony in the face snapping the cue in two spattering blood on the wall. Jesus picked up the now completely toothless earth pony by the scruff of the neck and tail. With a running start he threw the pony though the nearest front window shattering glass everywhere. The red pony had gotten back to his feet and was approaching from behind but Applejack ran up and bucked him hard in the side fracturing one of his ribs, he tried to scream but the wind had been knocked from him. Jesus spun around and grabbed his would be attacker by the shoulders and kneed him in the chin knocking him out cold.
By now the altercation had the attention of everyone in the bar as tougher looking ponies joined in to defend their defeated friends. Rainbow’s jaw dropped as she watched the scene unfold. “Hey, get offa’ me!” Twilight spat loudly. Rainbow turned around to see the creepy green pony trying to pull Twilight off her bar stool. “Just come outside with me!” he snarled. “That’s it,” said Rainbow. She grabbed the green pony’s shoulder and spun him around. She threw her hoof into his jaw and he stumbled backwards falling into a crowd of ponies that promptly picked him up and pushed him back at her trying to start a fight. He came at her with his hooves up ready to strike. Rainbow ducked at the last second and the other ponies strike connected with a brown pony on the other side that was easily twice his size.
The punch barely phased the other large pony. The green pony gulped as the huge pony bore down. He grabbed him by the main and waist and threw him across the bar into the mirror on the other side. Glass shattered around him as he landed first on the liquor bottles then on the hard wooden floor while shards of glass and bottles rained down on him. The bar tender had seen enough and retreated into the back kitchen and closed the door behind him. Suddenly another pony came up behind Rainbow and clubbed her with a blackjack. She instantly stumbled to the ground.
Fluttershy had woken out of her stupor by now and promptly dove under a table and started to cower. Pinkie Pie instantly got to her feet and ran up to Rainbows attacker and head butted him hard and dropped him with a hollow “thud” sound. “Nobody hits my friends!” she screamed. Across the room Jesus and Applejack were fighting their way to the door as Jesus picked up a chair and broke it across a Pony’s head, Applejack bucking furiously any pony that came within range of her powerful legs. Within seconds the entire bar was in a full-blown free for all brawl.
Rainbow Dash managed to stagger to her feet rubbing the back of her head. “We gotta get out of hear!” she shouted over the noise and ducking to avoid a randomly thrown beer bottle. Her, Pinkie and Twilight were pinned up against the bar. Several ponies noticed them and started to advance with devilish grins. “Stand back!” said Twilight; the adrenalin had sobered her up a little and she was now on her feet but still swaying. She closed he eyes and her horn lit up and levitated the bully ponies up in the air. They had looks of surprise as they were tossed up against the wall and landed in a heap. They saw their chance as a clear path was opened up. The three bolted for the door. “Oh save me! Save me! Some pony save me!” Rarity screamed. She was stuck in the middle of a crowed by the door that was hoof fighting over her. She squatted down and put her hooves over her head to protect her as several bloody ponies dropped in front of her passed out cold.
Pinkie Pie managed to reach through the legs in the crowd and pulled Rarity on her rump by her tail. They ran through the door as two ponies crashed out the last window that remained unbroken to right of them, still wrestling as they hit the ground. Twilight stumbled drunk on the stairs and landed face first into the dirt. Rainbow dash turned around and picked her up and flew her over to the Blazer Jesus drove them in. The four regrouped at the truck and looked back and saw Applejack sprinting away as the brawl started to spill into the dirt parking lot. “Wait! Where’s Fluttershy?” Jesus was about to run out the door when he spied Fluttershy hiding under a table fortunately no one noticed her. He ran over to the table leaping over a pony wielding a half broken whiskey bottle. He grabbed the table and flipped it over knocking over several ponies that were chocking each other.
He scooped up the terrified pegasus and slung her over his shoulder. Applejack was about to go back in for Fluttershy being one of the most sober of the group when they all saw Jesus break through the crowd with a wooden chair. He tossed it aside as he got out side and started running across the parking lot towards the group, his glowing head very apparent in the night. “Whoohoo!” Pinkie cheered jumping up and down as they all were relived Fluttershy was safe.
He ran up to the Blazer and tossed Fluttershy in the bed. “Get in the Blazer!” he yelled as he tuned around. He reached in his robe and pulled out his gold plated “piece” as he called it before, he pointed it in the direction of a crowd of very intoxicated ponies running towards them bent on violence. BANG! BANG! BANG! The 1911 tack driver spat sparks in the dark parking lot as lead whistled above the heads of the attackers. The .45 slugs hit the building behind them punching three inch holes into the barn board. The attackers stopped in their tracks and tripped over each other as they ran away from the terrifying noise. They didn’t know what a gun was but they weren’t about to stick around and find out. Ponies everywhere began to scatter. Even the mane six who were already piled into the huge gas-guzzler ducked and covered their ears.
Jesus Jumped in the drivers seat and fired up the 454 and flipped on the rack of driving lights blinding almost every pony in the parking lot as he threw it in reverse and hit the gas. The tires threw gavel and dirt as the metallic beast sped backwards. Jesus cut the wheel to the left putting the truck in a perfect 180 spin and slammed it down into drive and took off towards the road as several ponies dove out of the way. He cut across the lawn and crashed through a wooden fence sending pieces all over the road as they sped off in the opposite direction from where they had come. “That was awesome!” yelled dash who was once again in the right passenger seat. “Yeah! Now that’s a party!” an exuberant Jesus replied. “That actually was pretty exciting.” Said Twilight still tipsy. “Yeah we licked ‘em good!” shouted Applejack.
“Hey, take this next trail on the right it’ll cut through the forest and bring us out by my apple orchard.” Said Applejack pointing to a hardly visible trail off the side of the road. The Blazer tore off to the right hardly slowing as it tore through bushes and saplings. It splashed mud and dirt all over the fenders as small critters darted for their lives in the headlights. “Oh dear, I think…I think I’m gonna-.” Fluttershy puked all over the back seat and on the floor. “Damn did she just barf on my seat?” said Jesus with annoyance. “Aww gross.” Said Applejack disgusted as Fluttershy passed out in her lap. “Isn’t it a little dangerous to travel in the Everfree forest at night?” inquired Rarity. “Not for us.” said Jesus nonchalantly as he lit a cigarette. Up ahead a cockatrice appeared in the road and looked at the approaching wheeled predator. “Ahhh! Lookout don’t look into it's eyes!” A terrified Twilight shouted over the roar of the engine. Jesus just smiled and pinned the throttle. Up ahead the cockatrice began to stare down the metal beast but to no avail.
The only staring contest it lost would be it’s last as the halogen driving lights blinded it. Before it knew what happened the Blazer struck the beast and it split in two, half disappearing under the grill and half rolling up the hood and over the top leaving a trail of blood on the windshield. Jesus and Rainbow howled with laughter. Fortunately Fluttershy wasn’t awake for the event, as she would have not approved of killing even a cockatrice. The other ponies could have cared less. A Few minutes later Jesus and friends crashed threw the forest and into Applejack's south field. The heavy SUV left a trail of mud as the tires tore up the grass. The ground was slippery with early morning due. Applejack didn’t care, she was having too much fun.
They sped through the gate of Sweet Apple Acers and headed back to Ponyville. “Hey watch this!” shouted Jesus as he pulled to the right up on the sidewalk and ran over several mailboxes to homes lining the road. The steel behemoth knocked them over like toothpicks. They all cracked up at the pointless destruction as letters and mail flew into the sky. They were so drunk it was funny. Pinkie was laughing so hard she was crying. “Hey why don’t you try it Pinkie.” Said Jesus looking back at her he reached under his seat and pulled out a heavy Louisville Slugger and handed it back to her. Her eyes light up and she eagerly took up the bat in her hooves.
“Get, this one.” Said Jesus pointing to a mailbox. He rounded a corner coming to a more populated section of the town. It was deserted being almost three in the morning. The mailbox in question was grey with the name “Derpy” sloppily painted on the side in blue with a backwards “D”. Pinkie leaned out the side and swung the bat into the mailbox taking it right off the post. Letters and a few muffins scattered everywhere. Once again the group exploded in laughter. It was the last thing Twilight remembered.
The first thing Twilight noticed was how bright the sun was as she woke up in her own bed. The next was how bad her head hurt. She rolled over and noticed pinkie was sleeping in Spikes bed only half her body fitting into it and puddle of drool by her head. Twilight looked at her clock. It was almost noon the next day. She slowly rolled out of bed now becoming aware of bruises and aches all over her body. She stumbled a little with a disheveled look on her face. She stepped over Pinkie and noticed Fluttershy lying on the floor in her bathroom slightly propped up by the toilet.
She walked down the stairs Stepping over Applejack who was passed out in the middle of them, her Signature hat was missing. At the bottom Rarity was face down in the couch, several traffic cones were lying around. Twilight couldn’t remember where they came from. She noticed a book on the coffee table that was surrounded by empty bottles. She levitated it over to her. The book was bright red, “The Holy Bible” in large gold letters written on the front. Below that was the same lowercase “t” that was on the handles of the fancy “piece” that Jesus had. Inside was a note. “Twilight, thanks for the awesome time. I heard you like books so I left you an autographed copy of a book my dad wrote.” “-Jesus Christ” was signed below it. Sure enough there was a signature on the inside cover. GOD was written in fancy cursive writing. “Strange name.” thought Twilight. She dropped the book back on the coffee table making Rarity stir slightly. She would read it later.
Rainbow dash was asleep on the kitchen table. Twilight walked up to Rainbow and nudged her. “Mmm.” Rainbow groaned. “Where’s Jesus?” Twilight asked in a lame sounding voice. “He left for Manehatten last night after he dropped us off, that’s where his next gig is.” She grumbled and rolled over and went back to sleep pulling a red and white checkered tablecloth over herself like a blanket. Twilight walked back into the library and levitated some paper and a quill from a file cabinet and began to write.
“Dear Princess Celestia…” She began to write but stopped. She looked at the paper for a few seconds before crumpling it up with her magic and tossing it in the trash. She slowly trotted back up the stairs and crawled back into bed, she pulled the sheets over her head.
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I can complain about any number of things about this, but I won't, because this is fucking awesome.
...Is it wrong that I laughed all through this story?
I mean, of course it's an elaborate troll fic. However, it's quite a funny one at that.
I applaud this fic for the laughs I got out of it, xD
How long do you think it will take for this to get featured? Because I'm 1000% sure it will.
I can't tell if I'm incredible nervous, or TOTALLY STOKED to read this. Only one way to find out!
BILL! how you doing buddy! Love the new fan-fiction. Made me shed a manly tear!
Well...Jesus did curse...and...he does drink wine...and he's more than willing to hang out with people...
But this is...what is this?
(Coming from a Christian)
I want to kill you in the most violent way possible... then shake your hand. Well done?
Okay, after reading this, I still can't tell how I feel about it. I can say that I loved it, though!
this is made of jeesus juice also known as win
Pro:I laughed all the way through
Con: I feel like I need to go cleanse myself for laughing at my savior (Christian here, but lets not delve any deeper into religion here.)
This is the worst thing I've ever read. 5 stars.
Oh god, this is perfect.
SWAG
Yep just how jesus really was before the bible edited him, freaking
Power abusive
(pre reading)
omfg, what the hells is this. alright, im not going to be judgemental and give it a try like i did (and regretted) to Princess mollestia, sweet apple massacre,
CUPCAKES, Rainbow factory, twidye sparkle, and many other fanfics. *pokes with 10 feet pole and opens it*
Here goes nothing!
(Post reading)
someone call Ratherhomely, we got the next contender for and MPPT3K
240671
This right here.
I cracked up at the "Oh come at me all ye faithful!" line. Jesus was like, I got this bro.
Trollestia will not be pleased...
240775 Id pick Trolljesus over Trollestia anytime of the week
oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/www.ign.com/15516/2010/12/this-is-the-best-thing-ever-300x270.jpg
The adventures of Jesus. Ahhhh yeeeaaaah!
When I read the title I was thinking: "Who would actually have the balls to create this!?"
I then look to see who created it and it was Bill O'Reilly and I thought: "...GOD BUCKING DAMMIT! *flips a table in the process*"
Well played by the way.
You know.... I'm Roman Catholic... It seems offensive yes but,..... WHAT THE HECK I'LL LAUGH ANY WAY!!! 5 Ratings and my Like!! BA DA BOOM!!
Despite being a masterful horrible piece, it still deserves to be destroyed.
Oh hey Bill O'Reilly, great story you have here
GREATEST STORY IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER. Thank...something...that you didn't take this seriously. This story had everything: Explosions, K5 Blazers, shoot outs, weed and grain alcohol. I wish i could give you five stars. I thought it would have been funny if Celestia or Luna has appeared and a drunken Jesus was hitting on them. Seriously this was a fun story especially if you're meh over the whole religion thing.
Jesus Christ, Superstar ridin' down the highway in a stolen car.
Peace Out.
brian.carnell.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/jesus_brb.jpg
FUCKING AWESOME.
This could either be terrible (by being actually sincere or by being over the top sacrilegious) or awesome (I don't even know how). Reading anyway.
This is one of those so bad it's good things. Just like everything Bill O'Reilly says in real life.
Well, fuck me with a spoon and call me a sundae!
This story actually enabled me to understand to a degree what some of my readers meant when they say I destroyed their minds for a few hours. Luckily, I am immune to such mental beatings. I only wish I were more immune to atrocious grammar.
Also, Bill, are you still on for the Jock Strap Club in San Fran? It's gonna be off da hook, baaaaabe!
Okay.
Fuck it you win the internet i love you.
touchy subject.
You can't explain this.
FINALLY!!!!!
A FIC THAT MAKES JESUS IN EQUESTRIA FUNNY!!!!!!
I thought this was gonna be christian propaganda.... but instead this actually is pretty damn enjoyable!!!
Characters not OOC (majorly), jokes work, Jesus is funny...
Yes sir, I like it.
I approve of this story!
Wow... Jesus is kind of a dick
As a Catholic, I laughed my ass off. Thanks for that, now pay for my medical bill to sew it back on.
. That being said, This story RULES.
I don't even...
I mean, I'm a serious atheist, so I admittedly read this with the intent of flaming it to cinders. But...the sheer stupidity kinda stole my thunder.
Instead, I will whine about the errors in form, grammar, and general craft. Dialogue from different characters should be in a new paragraph, for obvious reasons. If they're not, it's confusing and difficult to read. Second, repeated use of passive voice. Bad. Third, a whole bunch of incorrect punctuation, which is too numerous to point out examples of.
After all that, I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't get it. I just don't.
Bill o reily, wherever you are....... Thank you
This should be on equestria daily.
BEST FANFIC. I'VE SEEN SOME TROLLFICS IN MY DAY AND THIS IS A DAMN GOOD ONE.
Saw this and thought to myself, "Seems ligit"
this
240902 It's trollfiction, anything can happen. Trollfics just don't care about grammar and are meant to just confuse you.
That was interesting.
Not completely terrible, but not fully awesome either.
Jesus was just too OOC I guess.
Jesusfied spiderses.
wha... WHAT?!?!?! ... the only reason i'm reading this is because i wonder what celestia and luna's reactions will be like.
Someone told me to do an MST of this.
I'm not sure I can.
IT'S JUST SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL I DON'T EVEN
meh.ro/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/meh.ro5247.jpg
MFW I saw the author/title combination: