"Brr...it's chilly. Where am I? Did Luna bring hard cider again?"
I'm after speaking my thoughts out loud. Go me. But now I remember why I'm here. I'm a pathetic excuse for a dragon, that's why. I'm in a cave...in the middle of nowhere...with a weird voice?
I snap open my eyelids. As opposed to being near the edge of the cave like I was when I landed, I'm much deeper in. A fire is blazing. A pile of dry firewood is stacked neatly off to the side. A basic mat made of animal skins is spread on the ground opposite to me. A saddlebag is packed next to the mat. And skinning a bear in the corner is the strangest creature I've ever seen.
Its front half is feathered, with an eagle's beak and talons. It bears the wings of an eagle on its back. But its hind legs, tail and lower half lack feathers and are decidedly feline in appearance. Its feathers and fur are different shades of brown, with the exception of the feathers on its head, which are white. A couple of feathers stick out over its face in a fringe, and six more, three on either side of its head form twin crests in a similar arrangement to my own horns.
The strange creature looks at me.
"Oh, you're awake! Mind giving me some answers?" it questions. His voice is interesting. It's masculine, with a poetic quality to it. Which is ruined by his hasty approach to things.
"I don't know, I don't feel like talking," I say, rudely but honestly. It's true, I don't.
"Answers. Now," he orders, trying to be intimidating, and failing miserably.
"How about you introduce yourself? Then maybe we can discuss answers," I offer.
I notice that he's wearing an amulet of sorts, made of a flat coin of a sea-green, banded gemstone. The layered shades of green are very entrancing. Maybe I'll ask him how he got it.
"Alright, you first," he says warily.
"Not talking. I asked you first," I press him.
"I'm standing my ground," he asserts firmly.
"Then I'll go back to sleep. Wake me when you wise up," I say nonchalantly.
"Ugh, this is going nowhere. Fine, I'll go first," he groans.
Heh heh, nailed it.
"My name is Malachite. I'm from the Griffon Kingdom. I'm out exploring, looking for something. I make my living by selling any cool or rare things I can find along the way. I have a friend who I travel with. He's out fishing, but he should be back soon," he says.
A griffon? I've heard of those, but didn't know they actually existed. The name Malachite also rings a bell. Some type of gemstone I think?
"Alright, a deal's a deal. My name is Umbra, I'm a Night Fury dragon. I'm a terrible dragon so I left home to punish myself," I confess. I don't give him all the details, but for some reason, just confiding in someone takes the edge of the pain away. And despite our rocky start, I actually find myself enjoying Malachite's company. I wonder what his friend is like?
"Tell me more!" he demands, a little too exuberantly.
"Why?" I ask, more than a little suspicious of him.
"I love dark, dramatic backstories!" he exclaims.
"Right...that's not creepy at all," I say sarcastically.
"Heh heh, only joking," he laughs.
"Not funny," I say, before joining him in laughter.
"In all seriousness, you should eat something. You're all emaciated, and it's really creepy," he says, sobering up.
"I'm not hungry," I say, before my stomach betrays me, causing Malachite to laugh again. He tosses a fish in my direction.
"C'mon, eat up. There's no shortage, I have loads and my friend is coming back with more," he offers.
"I may be hungry, but I still don't want to eat this," I refuse his offer, dead set on starving myself.
"What's the matter? Too fancy to eat common food?" he teases, putting on a posh accent.
He rubbed my scales the wrong way altogether, so I decide to prove I'm not a prissy little hatchling. In one quick movement I slide out my teeth, grab the fish and, having ripped it into two halves, devour it. I lick my lips and attempt to smile.
Malachite drops the rest of his fish.
"Sweet Celestia, remind me not to get on your bad side!" he exclaims, the fear obvious in his voice.
Changing the subject, I ask, "Why do you have so much fish? If there's two of you, shouldn't there be a lot less here? And if you have so much, why is your friend out catching more?"
"I can answer the second part of your question. We're leaving soon, and need to collect more supplies. That's why I was skinning that bear," he says, gesturing to it.
"As for the first part...well, to put it bluntly, my friend is...a little odd. You'd do better to talk to him yourself," mumbles Malachite.
"Someling is talking about me. Is that you, Malachite? I always knew you were a little crazy, but talking to yourself? Really?" calls a voice, somehow managing to playfully tease Malachite, while still sounding concerned. An impressive feat, to be sure.
I turn to the source of the voice. Hey, you know when I said Malachite, Luna and Twilight were the strangest things I'd ever seen? Well, those statements can take a long walk off a short pier, because this is undoubtedly the weirdest creature I've ever seen.
His body vaguely resembles a pony, but instead of a coat of fur, he has a hard carapace, like a beetle or a sea turtle. His horn is short, and curved, like a fang, unlike Luna and Twilight's horns, which were long spirals with little to no point. His wings are gossamer thin, and insectoid. They're a pale grey in color, and full of holes. In fact, the creature's entire body is filled with holes, particularly his legs. His tail is short and the same grey colour as his wings, appearing not to be hair, but rather a thin material, possibly the same tissue that formed his wings. Fangs clearly show, hanging out from his upper jaw.
Now, when I think insect, I think of the colour black, and when I look at this creature I think of insects. So maybe that's why it comes as a shock to me, that rather than black, or some other colour with good camouflage, this creature's chitinous body is white. Not the same white as the snow, or even Sweetie Belle's coat, more like a very light grey, but white nonetheless. His eyes don't seem to have pupils. Either they are entirely iris, or there is no iris and just an oddly coloured sclera, but his eyes are empty, and are a sickly pinkish red colour.
The creature speaks once more.
"Huh? What's that?" he asks, pointing a hole-filled...appendage at me. His voice is a trill, with a sort of buzz to it, again, very insect-like.
"Hey bro," Malachite greets the insect. "This is a visitor. She wandered in while you were out. I fed her and made conversation."
"Oh good, you're not crazy," laughs the bug with relief.
He turns to me.
"Hi! I'm Scolopendra, but you can call me Pen," he introduces himself, offering a hole-filled limb. I clasp it in my claw, unsure what to do, but based on my observations of humans, and to some degree, ponies, it would appear that the proper response is to shake it. Not sure why, seems rather pointless. Why shake claws/hands/hooves when you can send blasts of fire as a greeting?
Still, it appears I was right, as after I shake it, Pen withdraws his limb. "And you are?"
"I'm Umbra. No nicknames, no titles, no surnames. Just Umbra," I say.
"Nice to meet you!" trills Pen.
"If you don't mind me asking, what race are you? You appear to be a type of pony, but I've never seen anything like you," I ask.
"I was going to ask you the same thing," he says.
"Well, I'm a Night Fury. A type of dragon. I'm not from here. Like, at all," I say.
"Fair enough. I'm a Changeling. We're a type of pony, created during the reign of Discord. We feed off of emotions, but love tastes the nicest and sustains us the most. But, well...I'm not like other Changelings. Most Changelings are black, with blue eyes, but I'm white, with red eyes. And most Changelings have 20/20 vision, but my eyesight isn't the best. I left the village when I was a larva, and met up with Malachite. We've been together ever since," he explains.
"First off, that's really weird, no offense, and second off, you said Changelings were 'created'? What does that mean?" I ask.
"Good question. It's a story not many ponies know. Even most Changelings don't know it, but when you spend all your time inside your house trying not to get beaten up for being different, there's not much you can do but read. The story begins, long ago in the time of Dis-"
"Peeeeeeen!" whines Malachite, who had been twiddling his talons awkwardly through our entire conversation. "I've heard this story like a million times!"
"True, but Umbra here hasn't. Go back to skinning your bear," Pen dismisses him.
Malachite takes his advice, and wanders off, muttering under his breath.
"As I was saying, before I was interrupted, this story begins in the time of the tyrannical rule of Discord. All ponies feared and loathed him, but none were brave enough to stand up to him. All except one. One brave young pony sought to stop Discord's reign. Against the wishes of her family and friends, and against her own better judgement, she ventured forth to his lair. She was captured almost instantly, and brought before Discord. He decided to use her as a victim for his latest bit of fun. Using his chaotic magic, he transformed her into an emotionless insect. She went on to become the first Changeling Queen.
Her bravery in challenging Discord inspired two others to take a stand- sisters who would go on to be the famous Princesses Luna and Celsetia. Using the Elements of Harmony, they turned Discord to stone, becoming immortal alicorns as a reward. Once they took the throne, and began to restore Equestria, they decided to fix that which Discord had broken. They sought out the new Changeling, and attempted to restore her to her original state. But Discord's magic ran too deep, and they were unable to fix her. They decided that they would at least try to give her emotions back. But the spell they used backfired. Instead of returning her emotions, they caused the Changeling to hunger for emotions. She could feel, but she now consumed all emotion around her. She broke away from them and started a colony of Changelings in the Badlands."
A tear drips from Pen's eyes as he concludes the story.
"And we have lived there ever since."
~~~
Dear Princess Celestia,
It has come to my attention that the body of a young colt was found in the Everfree Forest last night. The body was found lying on a stone altar, about halfway to Zecora's hut. It was found surrounded by flowers, with a few fish and some gemstones. An engraved stone tablet was present, inscribed with unknown runes. I will set about deciphering them as soon as possible.
In an autopsy that was performed, it was discovered that the colt died due to a broken spine. Imprints of scales were found, as well as claw and tooth marks. Given this evidence, I believe I know the culprit.
A large, black, dragon-like creature has been sighted around Ponyville for the past month and a half. It is this creature that I believe to be the killer. I don't know for sure why the colt was killed, or why his body was arranged so intricately, but I believe it may be some sort of sacrifice, perhaps to a beast of Tartarus?
I didn't want to trouble you about the dragon, seeing as it only shows up occasionally, and when it does, it is easily beaten or frightened away, but now the situation is more grim. May I be so bold as to request that you look into this matter? I have enclosed an artists sketch of the creature.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S I know I'm not usually so formal in my letters, but the Ponyville Chief of Police was adamant that if I was going to help investigate that I had to keep professionalism when detailing the incident.
DAMN IT TWILIGHT! STOP JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS!!!!!
I wonder why luna doesn't just tell celestia about umbra. It would save a lot if strife. But then there wouldn't be much of a story, would there?
Not seeing the picture of Malachite myself but that's not a big deal. As for the story, Twilight needs to calm down. Never has the dragon attacked anyone or retaliated against attacks violently. Seems like she's used to just shooting at any dragon that passes through just to piss them off, thought she was smarter than that.
3176686 If ya really want a story with Twilight really screwing up by drawing bad conclusions, then might I suggest Our Chaotic Melancholy. Never made me hate Twilight more.
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There hopefully i fixed your pic :U
I'll be honest with you, this story started well enough, but has been steadily spiraling downwards.
Your biggest problem in this story is also the biggest problem to beginner writers in general, realistic character interaction and plot development. These are both troubled at the same point, the ponies violent distrust of Umbra. Where it is realistic for the ponies to be wary of an odd looking dragon, they would not of attacked without first getting a better understanding of the situation. They didn't confront Zecora after all when they thought she was dangerous (which they really should have learned from for this situation). This by itself wouldn't be too bad if it were the only questionable element to the plot, but you only aggravated the problem with your introduction of Luna as a friend of Umbra along with Spike and FlutterShy. Ignoring the fact that FlutterShy and Spike's word should have been enough to get the ponies willing to at least give Umbra a chance, a ROYAL PRINCESS's word is law. There is no reason for Luna not to call a town meeting and talk sense into her subjects, or anything beyond the nothing you had her do. I can only assume you did this because you couldn't think of a realistic progression of events to lead up the climatic points you wanted.
Another problem you made was the death of the colt, it was waaaaay to abrupt. The story was going one way when suddenly 'BAM' complete change in direction. You should have at least showed that event as it was so important to the story. Heck you should have showed how the colt got himself into the mess anyways as it is now, he is just a faceless plot device. Did he want fame for slaying a dragon? Was he just being an idiot an playing in the forest? Did he spot her in town and follow her? I don't know and I won't care until you tell me.
I hope you keep writing, improve your skills, and restart this story when your better prepared.
shit just hit fan
3177257
I know that face and it make me want to act..... Naughty.
3177257 While this may sound like I can't take criticism, I need to clear up a few things. The reason Spike, Fluttershy and Luna aren't doing anything is because Umbra asked them not to. I can't remember if it was made very clear, but at some point in the story (first chapter after the prologue I think) Spike offers to get Twilight and Umbra refuses. I might go back and fix that so it's clearer
Another thing I need to fix, is that the exact reason for the ponies' initial hostility is just Rainbow Dash getting loose without Applejack to grab her tail, and Twilight rushing to help her out.
Now we address the problem everyone won't shut up about- the colt. Yes it was abrupt, yes it came out of nowhere, no it's not lazy writing. It is meant to be this way, and will be explained further, perhaps by the end of the next chapter.
Here, Twilight, use this.
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The sooner you figure out what that thing says, the sooner you can NOT make an ass of yourself.
Luna please sort out your sisters student before she really fucks something up.
Good story I know for a fact that shit will hit the fan in the next chapter,
I am not impressed with Twilight in this story, "I believe it may be some sort of sacrifice, perhaps to a beast of Tartarus?". Just wow, it seems like the episode featuring Zecora didn't happen or doesn't apply to dragons.
Hey 3178786 , I saw a chapter pop up and thought I'd try to get some time to read it. And I'm afraid that, against all my desire to the contrary, I'm going to have to agree with QWERTY on this one. Now clearly you have planned the order of events, so I'll not criticize that particularly. Because actually, I can see a few way for it to work. Unfortunately, the way you've set it out, is not one of them.
Immediate issues are previously listed. However, with a bit of tweaking, some more in depth explanation and what have you, that could have been fixed. However, considering how you pretty much left everyone with a big question, it might have been wiser to introduce new characters once you'd fleshed out the current dilemma to keep the threads all lined up. As it is, you've compounded the issue. Keep it as a note maybe for later stories: work through each issue as it comes. This is fanfiction, not Game of Thrones.
As for this chapter: my my...if you wanted to introduce Pen's story, there are far more elegant solutions than an info dump. these solution are well outlined in the site guide, take a look. If you rather not that, keep in mind this: You need to balance the three components of writing; Dialogue, Action and Description. In this chapter (at least according to content), the pace was slow and descriptive. Therefore, you cut the action, and add decription. You never cut two of the three. when your chapter is mostly dialogue, and such abrupt dialogue too, it's jarring.
I apologize for this, mate.
Regards
Quicksear
3178786 If go back to clear things up, I think you should think of a better explanation then, "Umbra asked them to".
Here's a fitting analogy, let's say a friend of yours is about to drive home drunk, a very bad decision that will more than likely have negative consequences for both your friend and those around them (just like Umbra's situation), do you let them go just because they ask you to or do you be a good friend and stop them against their will. Heck, the "hurting others" part of the scenario has already happened with the colt, who's life is comparable to the kid who get run over by the drunk driver.
When writing character actions and thoughts, this is very important to remember. People rarely think what they're doing is wrong, and bad deeds come from justifications in the mind. Thieves may now their breaking the law but will still think they're in the right. They may think that they are entitled to it, they need it more than the one they're stealing from, or that the ones they are stealing from don't deserve what they have.
Decisions are pretty much based on perceived gains vs perceived losses so you should try and think of a good reason why Umbra's friends would believe heeding her words was the best course of actions. Is keeping a foolish promise to a friend just to avoid upsetting them slightly really more important then helping her make more friends and avoid further violence?
I . . . Just . . . Well . . .
There are no words to describe how amazing this chapter is for me.
3176686 But, isn't Twilight's conclusion that Umbra killed the foal correct? Since she's been stated to be fleeing from said murder last chapter?
Anyway, good chapter and shall be awaiting more whilst my await my inspiration figuring out how to defeat the inescapable gravity well of the black hole it's trapped in.
i like what you dun hear
Luna is gonna be PISSED.
Liked and faved this fic. Let's see how this plays out...
Good chapter (yay backstory!), looking forward to more.
Shit meet fan, Fan meet shit
E.x.p.o.s.i.t.i.o.n.
So much
Stop it.
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God damnt Twilight
Oh look, a broken picture link.
3176686
thy agree with thou's comment Twilight HAST DONE IT AGAIN