MistyShineStar
Joined 28th Jul, 2013 ·
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2957355
Thankyou for the critique! But, would you mind telling me all that was wrong so I can fix it? I'm a firstimer, so...
Structure this a little better, maybe get a beta reader. Sift through for grammar mistakes. I love the concept though, keep going!
2957710
Thanks for the critique! I'll try to restructure it and fix grammar mistakes.
2957710
I've always had trouble with run on sentences. Also, thanks for the favorite!
I've only been here for two days and I have a fav!
2957790
If you'd like, I can do some beta reading for you. Just putting that out there.
2957823
or should I say 
Yes! Actually, I wanted to ask you, but I was too shy....
eheh.
Poor luna, but a great story
2959073
Also Luna is best princess all the way! Gosh darn it, can't find a Luna emoticon. Darn Trollestia doesn't give her sister any power. 
you know, it's funny. I was looking up funny Luna pictures in another tab.
Thankyou very much! I bet you can assume the sad part, even if I haven't written it yet....
Also, thanks for the fav!
2959657 No problem. This story deserves it
2962203
I will wear it with pride.
EvenifImkindaagirlbutiliketowearfakemustachesPLEASEDONTHURTME
When is this conversation happening chronologically? Just after S1E2? Cause Celestia's talking about Twilight being an alicorn seems almost like it's past tense
2967421
Yeah, I guess that is a big no-no, the chronalogical order.
I fixed it though, thanks for pointing that out!
You probably saved me a lot of dislikes.
So fluffy
2972692
Flufflepuff is Celestia's bed.She also magically turned yellow. So yes. So fluffy.
Yay chapter.....thing
2977561
ehe....I didn't do my best... but I plan on improving it.
Oh gosh I think I'm gonna break into song...
HNNNGH....
I WAS PREPARED TO DO MY BEST
THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE ANY TEST
FOR I CAN DO SO MANY TRICKS
BUT I WASNT PREPARED FOR THIS
LEVITATION WOULD HAVE BEEN A BREEZE
FACTS AND FIGURES I RECITE WITH EASE
THE SQUARE ROOT OF FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIX IS TWENTY THREE POINT THREE SIX SIX SIX FOUR TWO EIGHT NINE ONE ZERO NINE.
Oh gosh, even I facehoof myself.
2978034 i liked the chapter it was good l
2980004
oh, okay. I assumed you didn't like it when you said "thing" at the end. But having my best reader dislike the chapter wouod be the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!
2983531 I can think of worse
2987041
I was making a reference. YOU RUINED IT.
2987046fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/205/e/0/m_a__crabson_by_johnjoseco-d6f01sq.jpg
i see your reference so here is a crab
2987204
for me?
Its the least I can do.
Have a derpy.
OH GAWD MY HEARTSTRINGS
Thanks for
2987562
Nah, it's fine. I already have about ten of em
2987706HOORAY
Ahhhhh.......Well thats depressing
and a good chapter
but there is a typo at the beginning
3068974
Thanks! Fixed!
I think spike forgets the fact that he will live longer than rarity.
3279115
Haha, but it Rarity were a dragon, she'd already be dead from all dat greed.
3283327
true.
Your chapters are really short. Here, have a mistake which I found.
Change that to 'especially'
I love this story
3675847
Thanks man!
3675512
Thanks for the advice!
Oh, I suck at spelling words like that.
Nice Story!
4237662
Thanks, but I don't really like it and I'm pretty sure it will be discontinued.
4239882 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE CONTINUE!!!
4240168
I'll keep going at it if I can find the time.
Maybe.
One problem I would recommend working on is the suspension of disbelief, the flow in a story that maintains the readers interest. One problem most authors have when there starting out is that they break the disbelief by stating facts instead of telling the story, no build up. Another thing I'm confused how does no pony know about death by old age at all.
errors i found:
chapter 1;
How would she know where her sister's room is in Canterlot since they lived in the Castle of the Two Sisters
chapter 3;
should be Celestia not Luna
how she could
the subject
chapter 5;
plot problem- Twilight said she would miss her friends but never elaborates on it and Spike never questions it
chapter 6;
She wanted so badly for Spike to comfort her and to tell her it would be all right.
or
She so badly wanted Spike to comfort her and to tell her it would be all right.
sis is not a verb, not sure what you meant so many verbs work
I like the concept and the story was good for a first attempt. I recommend to read some other stories and get a feel for suspension of disbelief. Also maybe pay a little more attention to grammar. I hope this is helpful and you continue and if you want maybe a rewrite(it is your story). Thank you.
4778205
I appreciate it while this story will likely go unfinished.
Yes, I wrote this when I was young and never completed it. It was written back in early season three, so I didn't know about the old castle and new castle.
"Sis" was supposed to be "did", it was a typo.
But thanks very much for the critique!
alicorns really do live forever. such is stated by celestia herself. but normal ponies do not. it should make twilight all the more protective of their friendships, because she must face the prospect of losing the others, to eventual old age. she must also cherish the company of celestia, luna, cadence, and spike. these friendship will become the most important to her, as she will watch all her little ponies live their lives and eventually pass on. she must love them all so much more because of this fact. she will have to let go of each of them, but she must appreciate them being in her life. they will leave her with such precious memories, but the memories must not threaten to crush her spirit. the other princesses will be there for her, as she must be for them. they must be each others support.
5751996 Exactly.