• Member Since 12th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen February 3rd

serebii


The Deepest cuts can make the best wounds so you don't make the same mistakes but, what cuts are worth getting.

T
Source

the doctor has been traveling with derpy for a while now and somehow gets pulled to a different timeline one he did not think was possible.

co-writer and edited by Leapingriver and art by butterkeet

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 15 )

I Love it I cant wait for another chapter! It's great!! :pinkiehappy: You're awesome, you know that right? :pinkiesmile:

3034764 thanks that means a lot :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by regider deleted Dec 8th, 2013

Aww thanks, and don't say that. You're story was great. It was just a little rough around the edges. It looks great :pinkiesmile:
Oh one thing, The part where the Doctor uses his sonic in the forest, the rest if the sentence after quickly is missing.

Quickly pulling it out he sent out a signal before a changeling knocked him out cold.

also the word quickly was misplaced before "As" in that sentence. Minor stuff, sorry bout that.

Welp..... Heres my review.
Good
Good idea.
Interesting first chapter.
DoctorXDerpy. :rainbowkiss:
Bad
Poor sentence flow/structure.
Misspelled words.
»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»
Score: 6/10
Advice: Watch. Your. GRAMMAR.
Keep writing and read the story out loud to youself/someone or find a proof reader to help with your grammar.

p.s. Have a like.

3034915 6 out of 10 not bad:scootangel:

interesting. shows promise but needs a ton of polishing. but readable.
I highly advise continuing on. you'll get better and when you do I really advise ret-conning this chapter.
a little formulaic but you know what, fuck em, formulaic can be a good read. not everything has to be Shakespeare.

:pinkiehappy:this is awesome! I have squee'd repeatedly:yay: awesomeness :rainbowkiss:

HOLEY CRAP! :derpyderp1: THIS IS AWESOME!! :rainbowkiss: MOAR! :flutterrage:

3207652 thank you means a lot:heart:

Hello Brony4life99! You replied to my comment on another DerpyXDocter fic asking for an opinion your own story. So if you are serious about this, then let me start by saying that this is a delightfully interesting idea. I am not an fan of Doctor Who, meaning that I catch it when it is on and don't chase episodes down, but I can appreciate a good story regardless.

The Idea of two parallel plots from the perspective of two Who's is a fascinating scenario that I personally have not heard of before. I don't know where you will be taking this story, but I think it would be an excellent idea to play out the two doctor's struggles, one fighting captivity while the other copes with the family scene, and to jump between the two throughout each chapter. The contrast of the moods between one doctor's desperation to fight off his assailant's advances and the other trapped by changelings would make for a dynamic story. But that's just how I would do it.

Moving on, I'd like to point out something that plagues new writers far too often, and that is pacing and imagery. The story sometimes happens without me knowing, jumping to the reactions of certain characters without an apparent effect that caused it. For instance: "The Doctor smiled to himself as the lavender pony caved in. He was finally going to get some answers." provides that the doctor was looking for answers, but before hand didn't really escalate to the point where the reader would expect him to say that. Sure, the situation was curious, worrying at most, but he didn't actually run through a set of questions or possibilities to the anomaly that would warrant that kind of reaction. Saying "This is odd. Finally I'm gonna get some answers" is providing the beginning and the end of his thought process, but doesn't tell you what went on in his head, which is important in a limited omniscient story.

Sure, it's an awful lot to say about two sentences, but it is just the most apparent piece of evidence of the entire chapter that show there are pacing issues. I can diagnose this as "story in my head" syndrome where the writer can picture the story in its entirety in his or her head, but they stagger it on paper and it shows up as incomplete thoughts and jumped conclusions. Rereading is especially critical here to be sure you don't run into the side of a cliff of disconnected emotion that doesn't really make sense and is instead just kinda there. If you do, just click right before it and build that ramp that leads us there, it's an easy fix.

Another problem is that, though I can see the characters, they all dance on a blank canvas. At the very beginning, the day and time is recognized, but whether they are in the middle of a field or the town center isn't really accounted for. The smallest, vaguest details would work to describe the setting as long as they are general and encompass the entirety of the scene. Was the Who house a two story or one? Or is it just described as 'typical' and I'm left to make the connection that 'it probably looks similar to most houses in Ponyville,' which I can picture. But sometimes it's just not worth describing a scene that's so short it would be meaningless (though even then it should have at least one point of reference that the character could be put around) or there just aren't enough objects in the scene to make an effective picture, then putting spacing between the characters within it can make up for it. It simply means stating where characters are in relation to each other, such as "The doctor brushed past Derpy, passing an arch-browed Sparkler as he searched for cracks in the universe." It not only places the scene in your head without a single bit of info about the surroundings, but also creates characters who interact more with and around each other. But also adding in tidbits of environmental information can help create a complete picture. "The doctor brushed past Derpy into the home, passing an arch-browed Sparkler lounging on the couch as the doctor examined the walls and various pieces of furniture for a crack in the universe." This isn't the solution, but just how I would have explained the scene if I wanted to be sparse.

Well, I hope I wasn't annoying. Over all, just a little rereading accompanied with some edits can take your story miles. And keep in mind that there are no definite rules to writing, just whatever makes it good. Once again, I like the plot and I'm interested in where this is going. Hope to see some great things out of you.:derpytongue2:

(PS. Does the doctor nickname the Tardis 'Sexy'? If so, then this is a hilarious development):rainbowlaugh:

3231372 thank you for your input and yes he calls it "sexy" :pinkiehappy: even when it gets a body

Ah yes the glasses, from one of my favorite episodes. Cool story bro :derpytongue2:

3345289 it was one of mine to :twilightsheepish:

but it doesn't explain where are Doctor is

are should be our

“You're right, he should have been home a while ago?”

I don't think that there should be a ? here, it should probably be a . instead

hope I helped! Great story, I am really enjoying it:twilightsmile:

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