Fall of a Queen
“I’m your daughter! I need you to love me Mother!”
I spread my wings at the threshold of the balcony, my horn alight for my final judgment. I turn in time to see her servants writhing about while wearing their Queen's new visage. "My daughter, when you have learned to love more than to be loved, then your heart will be swayed."
The pain of childbirth paled in comparison to the joy I felt that day. From the moment she entered the world, she immediately shone with radiance and grace. My daughter was the most beautiful filly my husband and I had ever seen. Her small emerald mane hung over her face, shielding her shut eyes as she remained lost in deep slumber. Her wings were folded and legs curled beneath her. All of my servants were stunned by her beauty as well; I was certain the whole of the Empire would fall in love with her. The moment she was presented to the Empire’s citizens, her eyelids opened to reveal jade green eyes and my suspicions were confirmed. She won their hearts without the slightest peep.
Like my Husband and I she was born an Alicorn, and would one day take my place as Queen of the Crystal Empire. We were late in our years and in time we would step down so our next of kin could ascend to lead our little ponies. I held very high hopes for my daughter. Already as a filly she commanded the attention of our ponies through her elegance. Magic came to her at an early age; she was opening doors and lifting items a year into her filly hood. I could not wait to give her first real magic lesson.
There was something wrong in the air. Something which felt as though it sought to drain the very soul of a pony, yet I ignored the feeling. Alicorns are strongly in tune with magic, therefore we experience such feelings often. Everypony in the Empire embraced their new crystalline forms. They delighted in their appearance as they shone radiantly with the color of their coats and manes. I could not possibly attribute this sudden feeling with my daughter’s creation, could I? For I also enjoyed the effects of the array. I felt love radiate from my being into others, and I felt theirs as well. It was as if with each pony I passed, we connected in very special way even if we did not communicate. I had not felt such joy in many years, not since the loss of my husband. My daughter could not have been happier either; along with the usual crystalline form everypony else had taken on, the array had another effect on her. Her mane became an intangible flowing mass of emerald and it would gently glide with her wherever she went. Only good had come from her creation and thus I put aside my negative feelings, believing they would pass soon…
“Mother, Mother!” My daughter cried from down the hall, “Mother, look what I can do!”
I watched her stumble into the throne room on her tiny little filly legs. I had been teaching her magic for over a year now and she was learning fast. She already mastered light, lifting multiple objects and spatial displacement.
“What is it dear?” I asked her, “Have you learned to control water like we have gone over?”
“Yes Mother, but I’ve learned something else!” Her bright jade filly eyes alight with excitement. Before I knew it, she teleported a daisy into the center of the room. That was powerful magic in and of itself, to call forth a flower from an unknown location. It fell to the floor, but she instantly picked it up in her green magical aura. Her eyes shut in concentration as her horn glowed ever brighter. I watched in awe as the flower folded back in on itself and took on the form of a newly blossomed bud: which she floated over and dropped in front of me. Age magic was nothing I was unfamiliar with but at such an early age!
“That’s not all Mother!” my daughter said triumphantly, “I can go the other way to!”
The flower was once again surrounded by her emerald green aura and lifted into the air. I observed the bud unfold and blossom into a daisy once more.
“Very impressive, my dear, it is as beautiful as you are,” I told her. Her eyes flashed open for a second. I was unsure why, but I felt her magical focus increase. “Now, I think you have shown me quite enough. All that concentration can be hard on a young filly, no matter how talented they are.”
Her focus became even stronger for a second, and then she released it, taking a deep breath. I realized I lost sight of the flower: I wanted to show her father when he returned from his trip. I looked down and found it. It was brown and crumpled on the floor, no longer containing even a fraction of the beauty it once did.
I could not believe the news I was hearing. I knew my daughter’s lover had been feeling ill recently, however what the messenger who burst into the room moments ago was telling me was beyond tragic. The soon to be groom of my daughter had been discovered in his bed, motionless and his body not unlike crystal to the touch. Everypony in the Empire experienced the magical effect of the array at the same time, yet he had been turned to solid crystal, not unlike a statue! I immediately commissioned every wizard and magical scholar in my court to discover the origin of his condition and find a way to reverse it if possible. My daughter was away at the time. The annual Crystal Fair was taking place today, and she was being hailed as the newly crowned Queen with a Parade in her honor. Oh, it hurt me as much as it did her to send her the news of her fiance's condition.
It was not long before she returned to the palace; her reaction was as I predicted. She cried deeply, holding him, trying every spell she could think of to reverse the process to no avail. “Why, Mother?” She cried to me, “First Father, now my most cherished love?”
“I do not know my daughter, whatever caused his condition is a mystery. The only thing I know for certain is there is no life force left in him.” I embraced her with my wings as she sobbed into my coat. "He has been drained of his life and love, he is no more.”
At that moment, I became aware she had ceased her sobbing. I unfolded my wings and looked down at her face. Anger welled up in her eyes. “There is nothing we can do, I am sorry.” I told her gently. Then, to my surprise, she reared up and pushed me away.
“Why? Why must I lose his love?!” she yelled, “Now I’ll never feel his love again!” With her proclamation her magical aura lifted up the form of her lover, threw it against the wall with an incredible force and smashed it into fragments. I simply stood there: I was unable to comprehend her words or her actions.
A few years passed by since my husband's passing. It was a very sad time, but it was inevitable. He lived a very long life, much longer than mine, and his time to rest finally came. My daughter was still devastated. Her life had been only a fraction of ours, and she did not yet understand the monotony of a long mortality. Nor had she learned the concept that one does not truly die, despite the perishing of their physical forms. But that was the past now, and I had taken on the task of preparing my daughter to take on the responsibility of being Queen. Her magical gifts were beyond measure and all the ponies of the Empire adored her. They showered her with love every time she made an appearance, and sent her gifts on a daily basis. She cherished their love and reveled in it, always thanking them in return. She loved to travel with me on official business or whenever I had to make an appearance. I believed she would soon be ready to take my office.
That year, a new officer in the Crystal Guard was promoted to captain. He was a young unicorn stallion, well bred with a blue coat, and he was well suited for the station. It was not long before my daughter discovered he had a flair for her. It was as if she could sense his budding love. I caught her talking to him often; until one day she came forward with the truth and asked for my approval. Of course I was not opposed in anyway and approved of their courtship. I was happy for my daughter, and could not wait for her to start a new family with her love as she ascended to the throne. It would not be long, for I was growing late in my age.
There was no longer any question in my mind. At first, the reports of many ponies falling ill and becoming sluggish came in. Then shortly after, the first official report of another pony becoming solidified reached my ears. It was the same as before: the pony became like a statue, completely devoid of life, no longer shining but still crystalline. I could not draw the connection to any other source. My daughter's array had something to do with this. I immediately cast a spell upon myself to nullify the array' effect and went to the throne room to confront her. When I entered, she took notice I was no longer affected.
“Mother, what have you done?” She asked me, “why do you no longer radiate your love like all of the other ponies?” Her flowing mane was sagging a bit, as if cutting myself off from the array’s effects somehow deprived her of the change.
“I have come to talk about that actually.” I said as I approached the throne, “I am afraid your array has some negative side effects.”
“Negative effects?” She asked, puzzled, “What could possibly be negative about sharing your love with everypony?”
“Nothing, but I believe what happened to your fiance was caused by the array. His case is not the only one to be turned to solid crystal. Other ponies throughout the Empire have succumbed to the same condition.” She looked as if she could not believe what she was hearing, “daughter, you must disable the array until we can investigate this further.”
“NO!” she screamed, “I will not! This is not related, you are lying!” She stomped her front hooves on the ground, and I noticed cracks in the marble floor spread from her hooves.
I was taken aback. “My daughter, please, I never said to destroy it, I simply asked you disable it for a short time…”
“I SAID NO, MOTHER!” It hurt me to hear her yell like this. “What you said has nothing to do with this! You just want me to disable the array so I can go back to being ugly and unloved!”
“Whatever do you mean my daughter? You were never as what you said; you were always loved and beautiful.”
Her eyes flashed with their jade green light. “I have never felt this much love before, Mother! Can’t you see? The array has enabled me to absorb more love and become far more beautiful than ever before! There is no pony more loved and beautiful in all the world! I can’t go back to being what I was before!” She unfolded her wings and lifted herself into the air, as if to display herself before me.
“Everypony in the Empire loves their new look, they feel the power too; they all love and adore me for what I have done! Why would you not want this Mother? Why separate yourself? Do you not love me? Is it that you feel jealous?”
I saw she was losing her reason and would not yield to me, so I took on a more authoritative tone. “DAUGHTER! You will release my little ponies from the effects of the array NOW, or I will destroy it myself!”
She simply threw her head back and laughed.“I knew it! Mother, you're jealous of me, of what I've become! You want to destroy what I've worked for with your lies, because I've done more than you ever could! I don’t take orders from you, Mother, I am Queen now! Guards!”
The door burst open and a large contingent of guards took position on both sides of the room.
The day had finally arrived for me to relinquish my crown, and anoint my daughter Queen of the Crystal Empire. I was sure there was not a single soul who was not present for the event. On the balcony of the palace, I gave my speech and placed the crown upon her head. Tears welled up in my eyes as I embraced her in a loving hug while the crowd cheered for their new sovereign. However, this was not the most spectacular event of the coronation. My daughter had something else planned, something she had worked on for a very long time. The announcement was made, the wedding between her and her lover would take place in a few weeks. As a celebration for both the coronation and the royal couple’s engagement, a gift was to be given to everypony in the Empire. Even I was not aware of what she had planned.
On cue, a large covering was pulled away from underside the center of the Crystal Palace to reveal a single spike of crystal. With a flash of emerald magic from her horn, the spike shone with a blinding light which enveloped the whole Empire. When the flash was over and my vision cleared, I was in awe of what I observed. Everypony's coat and mane shown with a translucent, crystal luster. Light radiated off of them and seemed to flow into others, including myself, however the most stunning change of them all was my daughter's. Her coat shone like the sun, and her mane was unlike any I had ever seen before. It was no longer hair, but a single flowing sea of emerald green, drifting about as if in a breeze. She turned to the crowd and spread her wings.
“Mares and Gentlecolts, as thanks for your continued and undying love, I give you the gift of sharing love! Now everypony can share their love with others!”
Now, I confront my daughter in her madness. She hovers above me and calls to her servants to surround me. “I will never disable my array Mother! I will never return to what I once was! You can’t make me: I’m the Queen and I will be loved!”
“Release them now my daughter, or I will do it myself.” I command once more.
Once again, she laughs maniacally. “It’s too late, you can’t disable the array, only I know its secrets! Everypony is subject to it, even you! You can’t stay shielded forever, I will have your love Mother!”
I felt great pity for what became of my daughter, but there is little I can do for her. With deep regret, I take the only action I could.
“Then I shall cut you off from the source, as I have myself.” I tell her. My horn glows, creating a nullifying shield around her. The effect is instant and her body returns to normal.
“NOOOOO!!!” she cries as she plummets to the ground, no doubt in a withdrawal.
I call forth an ancient spell, one even she does not have knowledge of; some things only age can teach. Her body glows in a sickly green light, much more dark and unappealing than the emerald of her mane.
“Mother! Please!” My daughter cries for me, “Don’t you love me? Mother!”
I hear her body being wracked with sobs as my cursed daughter takes on her heart’s true form. There’s nothing more I can do for her. I close my ears to her cries as the sound of fur and flesh are being wrenched asunder. I try to ignore the creak of keratin as it is warped when her horn is grotesquely twisted.
Her crown falls to the floor with a thud as I turn to take my leave. “Mother! Don’t leave me! Please Mother! Don’t go! Change me back!”
Her hoof steps fail beneath her, they are too warped for her to stand anymore; she fawns at the ground, clawing at the carpet. “I’m your daughter! I need you to love me, Mother!”
I spread my wings at the threshold of the balcony, my horn alight for my final judgment. I turn in time to see her servants writhing about while wearing their queen’s new visage. “My daughter, when you have learned to love more than to be loved, then your heart will be swayed.”
A final cry of anguish and resentment escapes her mouth, her words vibrating as though being hummed, “You have betrayed me! Just give me your love, Mother!”
I leave my daughter to her ailment, in time I know she will learn to love just as well as she had learned to be loved.
For now I must find a way to free my ponies of the array’s spell. I turn to see my daughter, now hideous and deformed, depart with her twisted servants trying to conceal her face.
Then I see the ponies of the Empire, my little ponies, and realize how much I love them. I will find a way to prevent them from being drained of their love so that it may be given back to them and empower their soul.
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That was really sad yet amazing at the same time!
Awesome job!
2953490
Thanks, the two of us really wanted to make tgis backstory touching.
HOLY SHIT!! thas was really good bro looks like you truely have found a calling bravo
So Chrysalis was a crystal pony once-what an original backstory for her.
2954979
Thanks, but I couldn't have done this one alone.
2955117
I was a little worried about messing with peoples head cannon, but I guess it wasn't an issue after all.
Now THIS was the kind of fleshed out story I was thinking about when I first read the short on the group page. Excellent work, well done, 10/10!
2957129
I knew Alex's short had so much potential. I had to do it.
NEW LIKE!
2957284
Thanks! And thanks for the watch too! Ill take a look at your work.
This is, as far as I know, a unique concept; so props for that right from the start. Apart from a few (very few) spelling mistakes I cannot fault the writing. The emotions seem real and the characters are well written. As I said before, very few errors are noticeable; only one really drew my eye:
The race of the pony does not need to be capitalised, nor does his gender. In my eyes this is a very well written piece of fanfiction and deserves more attention than it currently has.
2996517
Thanks, ill fix that. As for attention, there isn't much more I can do to promote it. This seems to be the fate of most one shots here, no matter how well written.
Did you want me to review anything, btw?
2996604
I would appreciate a review on this story, but don't feel obligated to give me one.
2996626
Roger
2996643
Thanks.
2999867
Thanks for the first real criticism, I appreciate it. Ill have a better response when I'm not so busy. Just know that the story actually stretches out for a long period of time, until the daughter is of age. Also, the artist doesn't want to make the queen Chrysalis, necessarily, so that's why we never used a name. Ill fix all the errors you found, so thanks for that as, well.
2999867
Also, Il finish reading yours tonight
Just noticed something in the description:
"Who's" should be changed to whose.
3005628thanks, fixing
I am Kalash93 of Authors Helping Authors with a review for your story.
Grammatik: 8 -- It's mostly good. However, author, you need commas for direct addresses.
Pros:
1. The method of storytelling is quite interesting and somewhat unorthodox.
2. We finally get to know where Chrysalis came from.
3. I was engaged to the end.
Cons:
1. The narrative was disjointed.
2. That ending was incredibly obvious.
3. I could not identify with anyone.
Comments:
I like the method you used for storytelling. You told only of little episodes in a sort of diary format. This is something I seldom see anywhere, and it was doubtlessly refreshing to me to read a story that stands out in that regard. The second thing I like is that you came up with an origin story for Queen Chrysalis. Out of all the fics dealing with her, this is the first one that I remember actually giving her an origin story other than spontaneously emerging out of nowhere, presumably created by the combined wishes of clop writers to make one character who can fill any niche, and hack drama writers who are too lazy to come up with villains that aren't predisposed to completely destroy the world. You turned Chrysalis into a tragic character, which is a much better way of handling the character than most writers even attempt. Not only does this make her a more interesting and relatable character, but it also makes her redeemable, which is something I would like to see explored at some point. Also, congratulations for writing a story with the tragedy tag that is actually a tragedy brought about through a character flaw. Lastly, this story was entertaining to the end. I certainly did not want to stop at any point, nor did I wish for booze, nor did I feel tempted to take a break. You have written something that is at least a decent diversion, and if a reader wants a quick piece delving into the history of the changelings and of Chrysalis, then they can certainly do far worse than this. Now, your narrative was disjointed. Your method, while unusual, does have the rather pressing problem of lending itself to creating a very disjointed narrative. To say that it all seems to drunkenly lurch around is how I would best describe the experience of following the story. I would say that that you perhaps needed more scenes and stages, because it, particularly its character arc, seemed to stagnate for a while before suddenly plunging into its climax like a precariously perched bottle on a shelf. I wish that your ending was less obvious. There's strong foreshadowing, and then there's practically pointing with a big neon sign and shouting that something is going to befall them because they constantly want others to love them. This did not take away from the impact of the ending, but it certainly did nothing to help. By the way, your character tags were spoileriffic to the extreme. The final issue I have with your story is that I could not relate to any of the characters. The father was pretty much just a plot point. I have no idea what it's like to be a mother. Chrysalis was princess demandypants to a degree that made her almost completely unsympathetic, which undermined the tragedy element. The rest of the characters aren't so much characters as they are plot devices.
All in all, your fic was fine, though it did have some pretty deep flaws. For ambition, as well as an engaging narrative, you win 6/10 flutteryays, which is just a hair above the average, which is 5/10 flutteryays.
Could you please read and review my story, You Obey ( URL: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/119688/you-obey )? Thank you.
I hope you enjoyed your review.
3042888
Thanks for the review, I responded in a pm
3028473
You're right. It is a bit rushed, and it was a learning experience for the both of us.
3042888
Thank you so much for the full on content review. this is the kind of thing we've been looking for in a review.
3100569
what do you mean? yours was also appreciated, has tracer not read your story yet?
3100569
I've read it, in just very busy, ill write it tomorrow
3100569>>3101256
I'm sorry it seems like I dropped the ball, but admral rum can verify, I've been in the field constanty over the last few weeks. I read it, and gave it a like and a fav, I'll let you know why as soon as possible
3102692
This true