Broken Promises

iamli3

iamli3 #1 · Jul 26th, 2013 · · ·

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omg that pic is adorable sauce now.....

Bloodmoon

Bloodmoon #2 · Jul 26th, 2013 · · ·

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awesome story very well done keep the awesome stories coming :)

Larsen

Larsen #3 · Jul 26th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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I find the way the problem is resolved a bit weak. I can understand why Dash was uncomfortable being dominated in the bedroom, I think it makes sense for her character to feel that way. But why is it so important for Pinkie? I can totally buy that she wants to do it, but how does this make her trust Dash again?
I might be a bit more demanding, since I love me some RainbowPie, but i find it sad because the premise is good and it seems like you can write a good Rainbow Dash. So I think this could have been a great short ship fic.
As for the clop scene, well I'm into some crazy s*** so i can't really judge it fairly.

Anyway best of luck in your future endeavours I'll throw in a like because it really doesn't deserve all these downvotes. And i did enjoy a good part of it.

rar1ty

rar1ty #4 · Jul 26th, 2013 · · ·

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2940864

Previously Dash neither let Pinkie play with her wings or penetrate her but after her error in not writing and hurting Pinkie so deeply she offered all of her body. It would seem emotional intimacy and the physical are tied together for Pinkie, not everyone operates this way, but in the context of the story the resolution makes sense to me.

Larsen

Larsen #5 · Jul 26th, 2013 · · ·

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2941186

But the way i understand the story, Pinkie's sad and scared that Dash doesn't care enough for her to even bother sending her letters or appreciate the gifts she gives her and put a lot of effort into.
And the solution is you can play with my wings and mount me. For a clop fic it's of course the logical step. And it's easy to make a sequel where the solution is anal.
What i meant with my comment was just that i would've loved the story if it had been a story about rebuilding Pinkie trust in Dash in a more heartfelt way. Or at least giving some insight into Pinkie's mind and explained why this means so much for her.
And how does Dash know this will make Pinkie forgive her? My headcanon is, that it's her big ego thinking, that her sexy body can make everyone forgive and forget anything.

Starswirls Beard

Starswirls Beard #6 · Jul 26th, 2013 · · ·

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2941363

I tried to give the feeling that these two had been in a relationship for some time but I'm not sure if I accomplished that. I was hoping it would come across that Rainbow was willing to share herself in a way that she never had as way of apology. What I get from the show is that Pinkie understands Dash in a way that no one else does, and didn't need Dash to explain it in depth; she would see the gesture for what it was.

Larsen

Larsen #7 · Jul 27th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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2941746

I can see how it would work as an apology if Dash forgot to send her a letter or open a gift and that was the problem.
I just got the feeling from Pinkie, that she wasn't sure Dash could even keep a simple promise.
Maybe I'm just reading to much in to things.

"Opening the door, she was startled by what awaited her. Not only had Rainbow come against all her expectations"

This sentence sounds like, that even though Rainbow said she would be over later that night, Pinkie didn't expect her to.
That's why I'm not totally satisfied with the solution. Again perfectly logical for clop. I enjoyed the premises and it killed my boner when I had to write why.
I can read english no problem but writing in it, damn I suck at it. It takes forever and I've a hard time getting it to make sense, even for myself.

Crimson Dawn

Crimson Dawn #8 · Jul 27th, 2013 · 2 · ·

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2941363

I can see what you are saying here and I think the one problem with this story is that it was designed to be a one shot clop but the story has an idea that really begs for a more full story treatment such as in Romance Reports. Similar to that story we have a troubled Rainbow Dash and a willing Pinkie and I think just like in that story suggests that Rainbow has issues she needs to work out.

Pinkie to me is acting like a guy and I don't mean because she is on top so to speak. If I did something wrong and I tried to use sex as a means of apology she would not be pleased. Granted of course if the situation is reversed I would be probably a lot more receptive. From my experiences this story could have gone the route were Pinkie continues to be unhappy and Dash learns that it is not so easy to fix this and then the story would revolve around her efforts to fix things i various ways.

Even so I think you did a lot of things right and I only think the "problem" is a result of the format (one shot clop story) rather than from skill in writing. Worthy of an up vote in my opinion.

TheGreatEater

TheGreatEater #9 · Jul 29th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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I promised to reply to your fic and so I have. The two replies below mine wrap everything up nicely. But to add my two cents.

While written as a one shot, and the logic is sound for a clop fic. It feels incomplete.

There's really not much that can be said other than the whole thing feels as if there should be more afterwards, but it just cuts off after their sex. It's ending is open, the flow feels like the build up could lead to more conflict / what happens next. And all in all it just feels lacking in sustenance, although what you have down so far isn't bad by a long shot.

Sirius_Face

Sirius_Face #10 · Jul 29th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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I'm not sure I see where other people feel this story has more to it - I think the conclusion is completely appropriate. Rainbow Dash screws up and hurts Pinkie's feelings, she makes up for it by showing complete trust in her marefriend to try something different but tame in the bedroom, Pinkie accepts the apology and they fall asleep happy - there isn't much else that needs to be said. The conflict is introduced, progression towards a climax (puns!) occurs, conflict is resolved pretty clearly with the whole "apology accepted". I don't agree that Pinkie holds grudges or forgives but doesn't forget - she seems too much like a pony who lives in the present and doesn't reflect much on the past or plan for the future, but that could be just me.

I think the weakness in this story is that a lot of background detail gets overlooked. Dash clearly doesn't know what a power bottom is, but her fear is something that doesn't make much sense. No one would know that she was taking fake dick from the pony she claims to love, so the only logical conclusion is that Dash never trusts Pinkie fully. I think that lack of trust could have been elaborated on more. A flashback to when Pinkie introduced the toy in the first place would have been nice too, if only to reinforce the conflict of this story. Some detail on what and how Dash tops Pinkie would have been nice.

There's some wasted details in here too. The aside about Dash and Gilda going to a toy shop just further made me think that Dash has gotten off on dildos before and just doesn't trust Pinkie, but then flight school happens and she sees how selfish and unintentionally hurtful she's been, making her reevaluate her relationship with her marefriend.

2944588
I see your point in comparing this to Romance Reports (and what a fucking excellent series that is ) but I don't see that being the case here. There's no need to go into a journey of self discovery here. Dash's ego is as big as the sky sometimes, and as silly as it is, it's believable that she would think her public image is tied to her activities in the bedroom; as if some pony might just smell that curious new dildo smell off of Dash's flank and know that she was getting rutted like a common mare. This feels like a solid one shot to me, where Dash's fear of letting Pinkie top her is not some deep rooted fear of cock, but more an issue of trust and pride that just needs a little faith and loyalty to be resolved.

This was a solid story, but could still use more polish, maybe a slower pace too. Certainly gets a thumbs up though.

ThatBoyToLookFor

ThatBoyToLookFor #11 · Jan 3rd, 2014 · · ·

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The beginning reminds me of my friend and i, i promised i would do something and i had a family emergency and i couldn't do what i promised she got really upset and the middle of the story reminds me of a very sexual dream about me and her ;)

Luxina