• Member Since 22nd Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen February 1st

rarerarity


E

The chaos with the Elements of Harmony have been restored. The girls' cutiemarks have been returned and Twilight Sparkle is now an alicorn princess. Everything and everyone was happy. After the celebrations, life returned to normal for everypony...

Except for one pony.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 70 )

The premise of the story looks rather interesting. I'll be looking forward to more of it coming out.

Well, now that's an interesting premise. It would just suck if she had already fulfilled her destiny by being a weather mare, and had no chance ever at becoming a Wonderbolt.

Interesting, I put an eyeball on you over this. Keep going. :rainbowdetermined2:

Hmmm I Like It so far.. Keep writing it is really good so far! :pinkiecrazy:

I really like this so far. I'm looking forward to more of it! :pinkiehappy:

2928820
That picture sums up my exact reaction. Thanks for making my review easy.

Warning: Personal opinion below. Take it with a grain of salt and two pints of booze.

I want to start by saying that I think this has potential. It's not badly written, the dialogue isn't horrible, and the characters aren't acting crazily out of character.
That being said, I think there's a few key things you could change that would improve this.

First, I think you need to get away from the omniscient point of view. Go into third person. Get into the head of one of the characters and through their eyes ground the reader in the scene. This gives the readers a feeling of actually being there as the character they're having the world translated through.

Second, you have way too much irrelevant dialogue. We have something like 6 characters speaking to each other over the course of the chapter and the same information is given out each time. It's just boring.

Third, remember to take a moment to describe the ponies when they appear in a scene. Something quick will work fine. When Thunderlane and the others landed I had no idea how Cloudkicker and Blossomforth looked. It's usually okay if they are background nobodies who aren't even named, but if they are named just throw at least one defining feature out or something.

Fourth, I think you need to mix up the dialogue with some internal thinking or some physical action. (Action just means stuff happens, not that there needs to be chase scenes and explosions) This has the effect of better grounding the reader in the scene and helps keep it from becoming to monotonous.

That's it I suppose. Like I said, it's all personal opinion, so take from it what you will. And remember, keep writing!

I always thought that she got her cutie mark back from the speed of busting clouds, not the act of busting the clouds itself. After all, her cutie mark came from speed in the beginning.

Other than that, I like the story.

2961808
A-ha! She thinks that too. That's why she believes her life is a lie.

Downhill, my foot.
MORE!

suspension of disbelief=gone.

I'm sorry, but in the course of five minutes, Rarity and Applejack start discussing Rainbow's behavior, and moments afterwords, Pinkie shows up. Okay. Fine. Then half the weather team stops by to... say hi? And show that not a single one of them is capable of using basic deduction? Then, as soon as they leave, Fluttershy shows up, AS THEY SAY HER NAME. Look, there's no problem with the occasional convenient wandering exposition barrel, but you can't have that happen at the same time as two main characters just HAPPEN to wander into the same area the scene is happening in.

Somehow, she's alive but barely

Rainbow Dash is too tough to die in just a few minutes.:rainbowdetermined2:

3108589 it is about rainbow dash in the story after she her med

3108814

>> rainbowbot3000 it is about rainbow dash in the story after she her med

What?

3108873 Apologies that Chapter i what rainbow dash to LIVE ok.

3108882
Still doesn't make sense. Please take care on you are writing.

3108928 After Rainbow Dash have two mach Painkillers in this Chapter in your Author's Note you say VOTE RIGHT i what Rainbow Dash to Live of this and tell her friends what up what her ok.

ALIVE. :flutterrage: BEST PONY NEVER DIES

She must liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! :raritydespair:

I vote she stays dead I like sad endings

STAY THE FUCK ALIVE

Show consistency, dude: her cutie mark is gone. She's dead. Or, if she's alive, then have her wake up only after having been in a comma for years and years.
Besides, I don't like it when an author draws a sad ending, then pulls a miracle out of his ass to make sure that the ending is not sad.

3113308
1. I'm a she
2. Fine. She's dead.

Rainbow.

Dead.

Hell no she's the gad dam element of loyalty and best pony definatly don't just die straight out like that.

Buuut on the other hand the whole funeral and being sad going differant ways sounds good ARGHH too many disicions

(but please dont kill her off)

3114132
Don't worry. I'm doing alternative endings. One where she lives, one where she dies.

3114611

HUZZAH perfect i camt wait to read them :pinkiehappy:

leave her alive, but depressed by her failure at suicide

Do both.

I want her to live, but sad endings are more realistic and liked by me.

You can take the red pill, that will reverse Rainbow's death and keep her alive, or take the blue pill and keep her dead.
The choice is ours.

(I choose the red pill!)

3140438

what happens if she takes em both :rainbowderp: (free will woot woot)

she must liveeeeeeeee
she must
she must
SHE MUST:flutterrage::flutterrage:

keep her dead she O.D

Do another ending... pretty please? Cause that... that was tragic :fluttercry: :raritycry: :pinkiesad2: Please show us the other ending.

I loved that ending I'm a sucker for Dash tradegy but I do think way it destroyed her friends life's was a bit much.
You get :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache: out of 5 staches

3356535
Like I said. You can't please everyone. But I'm glad you liked it. I was going to have Rarity and AJ the strong ones. Seeing as Pinkie Pie would completely break down. And so would Fluttershy. Being closest to Rainbow. And Twilight would be stuck in some kind of trance. As she's the princess of friendship (I think) and she failed to be there for a friend. But I got bored and just scribbled it onto my phone.

I was just surprised you keep her dead I thought for sure votes would be in favor of her living

Another ending would be nice... :fluttercry: but this one was very well written, even if I don't like stories where RD dies... :applecry:

I want both endings, but I prefer this one.

Congrats i officially hate you for this XD
Which frankly os quite an acheivement as im so emmotionally detatched im borderline psychopathic, good job (still gonna hunt you down and kill you though ^.^)

Please do another ending. I understand if you don't it's your story.:fluttershysad:

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