Chapter 5
Friendship is Optimal
Firewall
Part 5
An MLP:FiM fanfiction by Midnight Shadow
Based on the MLP:FiM fanfiction Friendship is Optimal by Iceman
* * *
"Hey, Vinnie! Lunch!"
I almost died, right then and there. Markus' hammering on the doorframe and simultaneous invitation to consume heated sources of protein and amalgamations of various vitamins and minerals sourced form animal and plant matter was entire innocuous, but I'd just been talking with Celestia. She kind of has that effect on people.
Maybe you've noticed.
"Vinnie? Vincent? You don't look so hot. Everything okay?"
I shook my head to clear it. Chair, desk, laptop, ponypad, power hooves, big shiny crowny thingy, retro goggles, sucker-punched IT nerd and friend. Check.
"Lunch?" I asked.
"Yeah, you want some?"
"I've not..."
"Tell ya what, my treat. You wanna go out?"
I down at my hands for a moment, clutching them into fists, then back up at my work-buddy. "Sure," I said. "Where to?"
"Chinese? Thai?"
"Yes," I replied.
"How about a Chinese-Thai place I know about?"
"apt-get minus-y install grub," I told him. We both grinned.
"Like that, huh? Buffet it is, then."
Parking was nearby. We piled into his reasonably priced car and made our way out into Berlin.
Berlin is a beautiful city, and it's well worth your time to visit. Thirty, forty years ago, the wall came down. East and West reunified. I'm told it wasn't easy, but then nothing worthwhile ever, generally, is. That day, as we sped down Invalidenstraße, it was hard to believe this city had been carved into essentially two halves. It was only when we pulled into the Ampelfrau that I was suddenly confronted with a visible, well-celebrated sign of what had previously been almost another country. Almost everywhere in Europe, and certainly on into America, and although there are differences, the traffic lights and warning signs are pretty similar.
But not the Ampelmännchen.
They're unique, quirky, and somehow so much more human than the 'Western' standard.
What I didn't get was why an East German restaurant was serving Chinese takeaway. Not that it bothered me for long, because in short order we were both filling our plates with authentic Chinese-Thai-style food; red curry chicken, chili beef, kung pao beef, fried noodles... chinese food is my kryptonite. It was apparently Markus' too.
"This place," he said, "is the the best. S'why I only come here on special occasions."
I almost choked on a spring roll. "Special occasions?"
"Yup." He pulled out his cellphone and waved it at me. I took it, carefully, and studied what was on screen.
"You sure I should be reading this? It says pri—"
Markus waved a fork at me. "Just read it. We'll all get bonuses this month, they've cracked the feedback and biorhythmic hookup signal processor. Project Bucephalus is officially a go."
"And what's that?" I mumbled, scrolling through the overly buzzword-laden missive.
Markus chuckled. "I suppose you don't know, do you? Ah, crap, and you might not be in it." He looked downcast for a moment, then back up at me with a pitying expression. "All the more reason for me to pay for lunch then. Bucephalus is the next version of those hooves of yours. You might'nt have noticed, but they're a little wonky."
"Wonky?"
"Yeah, you can... kinda always feel your body, right? And don't tell me you didn't try to walk about four-legged at least once!"
I blushed. "I did end up with a faceful of rug yesterday. So what, Bucephalus fixes that?"
"Oh, more. More, more, more. It's..." he thought for a moment, speared a deep-fried chicken ball, slathered it in sweet and sour sauce, and then scoffed it in one. "It's like, imagine that movie, with the train, right? Or... no, no, the one where they go to the moon."
"As in 'a trip to the moon' you mean?"
"Is that what they called it? Yeah. There's that black and white version, right? And then that restored colour version? Now imagine watching that, and then walking next door and watching... what was that blue cat thingy? In three-dee?"
I rolled my eyes. "You remember the coffee mantra, but forget Avatar?"
He stuck his tongue out. "Laff it up. Anyway, that's the kind of difference we're talking here. They're going to stuff them into some sort of big, movie-theatre like thing, right here in Berlin, and you can plug yourself in and experience Equestria like never before. World-wide soon after."
I sat back in my chair, flabbergasted, whilst Markus kept up the chatter. Being IT, he had friends in the R&D department, and they kept him abreast of the latest news. It was partly why he'd been able to just hoof over to me the ponypad.
"Yell ya what though," said Markus. He sounded conspiratorial. He even leaned in towards me. "How about I let you get a whirl in the chair?"
"What."
"You've been using that headset, right? Well, then you're perfect to try the new, improved version. Least I can do if you're not getting the bonus package from it."
I fish-mouthed for a few moments. We'd only just escaped the office, and now he wanted us to go charging back? Hmm. Then again, I still had a bone or two to pick with Celestia. I'd discovered her secret, the servers were off-site... but she was going to let me see them anyway?
"Dude? You in, or not?"
I looked up, gaze refocusing on Markus. I nodded. "Sure, why not. But... we just got here, there's no hurry, right?"
"Hell no, not with chow mein this good."
We talked, in between mouthfuls. Markus had been playing since the beginning. To hear him tell it, he'd been involved in the alpha testing, and had seen Celestia and Equestria evolve from primitive beginnings to the mega-game it was now. Eventually our topic of conversation drifted back to Celestia.
"What was she like, at first?" I asked, leaning back, stuffed.
"Celestia? The first time I... the first time I met her, I guess, she was... not so..." he waved a fork around.
"Deep?"
"Subtle. She had directness, back then. She'd stop, every so often, and then ask the strangest questions. It would be about things like why we preferred certain foods, or what made us pick our online handles. And then she'd go off on these weird tangents, asking about the nature of time and the art of war. And then she'd be back again with words she didn't understand, like 'quite'."
"'Quite' was a hard word for her?"
"British context, it can mean very. It confused her, at first. And the ponies she made... at first you could always tell they were, well, fake. But then the game went live with the first-gen ponypads, and that was it. Maybe we were just fooling ourselves into thinking we could tell they were fake, I don't know."
"But now you can't?" I asked.
"Dude, you tell me. I can't even tell if Celestia is fake, any more. I don't even know what 'fake' is supposed to mean. Like... how can you prove to me you're alive?"
"I know this one," I said, with a grin. "Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am."
"She said she disagrees. She says cogito cogito, ergo cogito cogito sum. She's pretty exact like that."
"I think that I think that I am?"
"Precisely. She deduced a number of things about 'truth' that have me stumped. Like, take a dice, right? Six sides, yeah?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"So, you can never roll a seven. She says this is important. I didn't understand, at first, not sure I do now."
"So?"
"So, put that dice in a dice-bag. Can you roll eighteen?"
"I... maybe? Possibly? If there's dice in there..."
"Wrong answer." Markus jabbed his fork in my direction then took a swig of water. "Before you know how many dice are in there, indeed, before you know what's in there at all, you're completely unable to say it's either possible or impossible. It's possible that it's possible, but that's not the same thing."
I sat back in my chair, trying to work that one out. "So what, she comes to you with philosophical questions she can't answer?"
Markus shook his head again. "Not any more. Now she poses them for me, or rather for Star Charmer."
"Star Char—" I paused. "Strange name for a—"
"She's a unicorn mare, okay. Don't start."
I held my hands up. "It's cool. Played a female worgen way back when, prefer the look."
"Yeah, but that's not quite... 's supposed to be you, ya know. The pony."
I shrugged. "It's a game, Freud. Besides, not my business if you come in wearing a skirt wanting to be called Susan. Wouldn't bother me at all." I grinned, suddenly. "Any mare who knows the coffee mantra's okay in my book."
"That's not how it is!" He threw his serviette at me. I laughed and dodged.
"Come on then, let's get back. You want me to fry my brain on the electric chair, that's just what I'll do. Only for you my friend, special price."
Markus rolled his eyes.
* * *
Floor five in the D-wing was nerd heaven. I'd have applied for a position there if I could, but they hadn't had any openings. I also had the sneaking suspicion I wasn't quite smart enough.
Markus lead me though the campus to a vibrantly colourful, airy open office that was outfitted with the holy grail of espresso machines. It even ground its own beans. The monitors were bigger, the hardware was newer, and the toys were cooler. Of course, they also had the burden of making the next big thing work in a timely fashion, which meant lots of late nights, frantic builds and tense demo sessions.
The next big thing, in this case, was a well-padded reclining barber's chair with arm- and leg-rests, and a relatively sleek mish-mash headset made of wires and odd, thin, plastic netting. It was hooked up to a disassembled ponypad, the screen of which was displaying a number of technical readouts in a quirky, upbeat font, instead of Equestria like a normal one would.
"That is the next big thing?" I asked.
"Sure is. Prototype, but fully functional. Dennis here cracked the imaging DSP algorithm last night," said Markus, pointing to a tall, red-haired guy who was busy at a computer terminal. He raised an arm, not even looking, and then went back to coding. "Michelle's been the brains of the inducers, Sly's been a wizard with the fabbing – anything you need cooked up, just ask – and the rest have put both ends together into something useful." Markus rattled off a list of names, but I'd never be able to remember them all if I'd tried. And I wasn't really trying, I was focused on the chair.
There are times when you stand before something momentous, and although what you're looking at is a disparate set of spaghetti-like wires and bodged connections, you can just feel the promise of tomorrow through it. The chair was like that for me. It spoke of something which would change the world forever. Moreso than Celestia would, I was sure of that at least.
"Sooo, you want me to get in that thing? Is there an engineer named Igor, and a big switch that sparks when you throw it?" I asked.
"Eh, chair is safe," said one Slavic guy, wiry thin with a goatee. "Has been for long time. Only problem has been desynchronization. Makes you feel ill. Ill is bad for business, da?"
"Buuttt, now you've fixed it? I won't feel all wonky when I come out, like I do with the headset downstairs?" I asked, eyeing the chair suspiciously.
"Oh, you are the new guy," said the woman I'd been told was Michelle. She nodded and smiled. "I pushed the last firmware upgrade the day before you came to work here. What do you think of the original?" She sauntered over to me with a pair of what looked like calipers and started measuring my skull. I tried hard not to duck away.
"Amazing stuff, it's almost like being there, just... makes me feel wonky."
"Yeah, the third gen's will do that. They kind of... overwrite your body's own physical map. It's not harmful, at least from what we can tell, but it's a bit brute force. This new headset is so much more sophisticated. Once Celestia started helping, we came through in leaps and bounds. Getting real-time debug info from inside the computer, straight from the horses mouth as it were—" she snorted noisily through her nose "—made it so much easier."
Gingerly, I sat in the chair. "You sure it's safe?" I asked. There were nods all round. "Go on, then."
"Ah-ah, first... one set of precautions." said Michelle.
"What? Some sort of release form?"
"Not really, but you... may want to use these." She fished under the seat for something large, flat and crinkly.
"Is that...? Why should I...?"
Michelle was blushing, I was flabbergasted. She'd dropped in my lap what appeared to be an oversized diaper.
"Oh come off it, are you serious?"
"Well, we're pretty sure we've got the inducers tuned, but we are interfering with a number of basic autonomic systems which most humans have learned to control on an almost-conscious level. The headset you've got? That doesn't work quite the same way, but this baby..." Michelle turned to the banks of computers and webbing, stroking it gently.
"Meaning?" My cheeks were burning. I was trying to look anywhere but at my lap.
"Meaning, body is no longer saying what to do," said the Slavic guy. "And so certain parts of body will go do things by themselves. Is problem we can solve two ways, will have it licked by next week. Right now, that is best way to be sure, da?" He shrugged. I found it hard to argue with his sincerity or his explanation.
"If this is some bizarre hazing ritual," I grumbled, growling at Markus, "then I will never forgive you."
"Hey, you know me, it's a twofer. But look at it this way – you'll be the first to try this out, ever."
"And you'll go in next?"
"Sure, why not."
"Then I'm going to go and ruin whatever shred of dignity I had left in the toilet, and then we can begin."
"Holler if you need help," said Michelle sweetly.
"Not on your life."
I sat in the chair. It was uncomfortably comfortable. I don't know if you've ever... well, it's like... yeah. Just trust me, it's kinda uncomfortable.
"Are you really wear—" tried Markus.
"Don't. Just..." I scowled instead of completing my sentence. He poked me in the butt, I almost slapped him. "Look, you can get your own if you're that interested in them. I'm sure they've got plenty left." I glared as Michelle finished attaching the stretchy plastic showercap. Dennis finished firing up whatever code snippets were required and the whole system slowly came alive.
"Wait," I said. "Doesn't this thing need goggles?"
"You remember when I said it was the new, improved version?" replied Michelle. I nodded as she figuratively threw the switch. "Well, I meant it. Timer's set for three hours. Going under in five, four, three—"
* * *
Have you ever woken up after a particularly long and refreshing night's sleep, and gone from snore to full-bore in one smooth move? Sometimes it takes nodding off to do it, or sometimes it's drinking just enough to pass out semi-voluntarily, but not enough to suffer alcohol poisoning.
That was me.
Birdsong was my first 'waking' memory. My ears perked up and flicked about, orienting on the sweetest songs you can imagine, seconds before my eyes burst open sending in a flood of warm sunlight.
I should add: the birdsong and sunlight were perfect. Sometimes birds sound like insistent car-alarms, and sometimes the sun is an unwanted blowtorch. These were... beautiful. Each moment was pristine, smooth, comforting and wonderful. I sat up in bed, the soft cotton sheets falling around me, caressing my body in ways that I had previously only ever encountered in poetry.
I was in a bed. The bed was plain, wooden, and creaky. And it was the most bedlike bed I had ever experienced. Sometimes when you sleep, the bed is merely where you physically are. This was a bed made for sleeping in.
My nostrils flared and my wings instinctively flickered about as I hopped lightly onto the polished wooden floor. The beams sang to me, somehow, sounding a note in my mind as clearly as if a choir were softly humming in concert with the gentle pressure of my hooves.
I stretched, and such joy from simply stretching I had never encountered. Everybody loves a good yawn and stretch, but this... it was like glorious, fifty-foot high fireworks going off with every extension of my limbs.
"Vineyard?" called a voice, the musical tones prancing through my ears like an entire troupe of ballet dancers. That was Celery, but... it was more Celery than I had ever experienced before. And she was all the way downstairs, in the kitchen.
"Yes, yes, I'm... I'm here."
"Oh good," she laughed, bouncing up the stairs. "I was worried the horse-fairies had stolen the entire room."
I laughed, and even the act of breathing in filled my body with warmth and love. "No, no, I..." I bounded over to her, and nuzzled her. Her scent was a summer's day, and earth, and fresh grass, and tangy sweat that was still somehow sweet. I nuzzled her as closely as I could. I wanted to inhale this pony before me, to somehow merge into one giant pile of...
"Woah there, lover-boy," she murmured. She didn't really mean it, but the words broke the spell. I blushed, heavily.
"I-I-I... I'm sorry I... I don't know what came over—"
"Shh," she said. "You don't need to be sorry. But breakfast will burn if we fool around, and as much fun as that would be—" she turned and trotted out of the room, her tail flicking my muzzle in a way which definitely spiked the neurons for 'interesting' "—I would prefer not to spend the rest of the day evicting smoke from my house."
"No, I mean..." I blushed, trying to swallow. There was a big lump in my throat. And that wasn't the only place. "I mean... I mean I'm here."
Celery paused, halfway down the stairs. She all but leaped down the rest of the way, then turned sharply to look up at me. "What do you mean?"
"I mean... I'm here, here. More here than... more here than ever before, more here than I can believe."
Her eyes lit up with an inner glow that radiated warmth throughout the entire abode. She moved with such simple joy and passion that I was almost rendered speechless. And when she caressed me, in a full-body pony-hug that utilized every single part of her body... well, I almost went nuclear.
"Oh thank Celestia! I've been waiting... I've been... oh this is wonderful! Oh you simply must come downstairs! You must!"
I almost wished she'd changed her mind about the smoke-filled apartment, but trotting downstairs in her oversized farmhouse was almost good enough to make me forget the whole idea. Almost, but not quite... but more than enough for me not to mind.
My nostrils flared, my eyes flicked to and fro, my ears twitched, my tail flagged, my wings fluttered and my hooves trit-trotted from hoof-step to hoof-step in a joyous, non-stop exhultation of everything that it meant to be a pony.
Celery took me into the kitchen, and sat me down at her well-aged table. A simple, large, wide porcelain plate with upturned edges was plonked down in front of me, and it was swiftly filled with stuffed aubergines, something which smelled almost exactly like bacon, two eggs, some toast, hash browns, mushrooms... the list went on.
"Wow, Cel," I said. "You sure do eat like a horse." It was a moment or two before I realized what I'd said, believe it or not. She burst out laughing, helplessly.
"You've got to keep your strength up if you want to be able to do anything worthwhile," she explained. "Us earthponies have to fuel up plenty to keep us strong. You flittery featherbrains have a similar problem – real quick metabolisms. But since you've not been one for much flying, then... I thought I'd treat you. A little bit of everything, eh?"
My mouth watered. I nodded.
"Dig in!"
That was just the encouragement I needed. In moments I was literally digging in. I'd not yet mastered the use of hooves to hold things, so instead of even attempting something approaching table manners, I just lowered my muzzle and gobbled. The shape and nature of Equestrian tableware made itself abundantly clear as I cleared the bowl-like plate and then set to licking it clean. A glass of orange juice, followed by another of milk and a third of coffee was put in front of me, and each one was more tangy, smooth and tasty than the last.
Having conquered the invasion of edibles, I leaned back and burped. "Oof, 'scuse."
"No problem, sugar. Shows you enjoyed yourself. Ready to hit the road?"
"Huh wha'?"
"Well, first day in Equestria, you surely don't want to spend it cooped up in here?"
I blinked. It was tempting.
"I see," she replied, rolling her eyes.
I blushed, hotly. "I didn't mean it like that!"
"Yes you did. Just for that, you're on washup duty. I'll dry."
Washing up has never really been on my list of things to do in paradise, but there was no arguing with Celery. She was more than strong enough to just sit on me until I gave in, and besides, I felt like a heel. I'd done nothing but ogle her flanks, eat her food and sleep in her bed. Washing up was the least I could do.
It turned out that washing up when you're practically an invalid with hooves isn't entirely simple. She laughed, a lot, as she had to help me with every little thing. Fitting the scrubbing brush to one hoof, showing me how to brace my body with my forelegs and chest, teaching me how to lift with my lips and maneuver the plates... but it was fun, a lot of fun. There were pots and pans and plates and cups and chopping boards, and mouthing each one was just such a simple act of pleasure that it's hard to describe. Having done a good deed, seeing the kitchen clean and neat, was a reward in itself, too.
Flicking me in the butt with her tail, she gestured with her head to the main hallway. "Come on, time to get movin'."
As she clip-clopped smartly outside, I put the washing and scrubbing implements on the side, pulled the plug, and rubbed my muzzle on the tea-towel to dry it. The suds tickled my nose and I sneezed. Taking one last look around the house, I trotted out to Celery. Closing the door, I noticed she didn't have a lock, just a handle. I would have asked her about that, but it was my 'first' steps outside and I don't think I need to reiterate just how powerful the splendour of Equestria was hitting me. It was like walking into a wall-to-wall hyper-real movie-theatre where the movie, when it starts playing, just blasts away the darkened room into a forgotten memory. As we started first walking, then running and then flat-out galloping, the sites, smells and sounds of a whole new world really hit me. I've never really been that athletic, but to stretch my legs, fill my lungs and spread my wings was not only the most natural thing in the world, but it filled my body with a slow burning ache that was somehow rejuvenating and invigorating.
As we hammered our way down a neat little dirt-covered path, I was whooping and laughing for joy, acting like an utter colt. As we rounded a bend and breached the top of a hill, in an effort to beat Celery, I spread my wings and leaped skywards.
I guess by this point it would be cliche to say I almost cried at the sight of the sleepy little hamlet known as Pollbury Hill. My eyes may have teared up just a little bit, but I still maintain it was the air rushing past my muzzle.
That didn't really help with the landing any, either.
"Oh my gosh Mister! Are you hurt?"
I groaned. The world had flashed by in a chaotic mix of blue, white and green. I shook my head and looked up at a cherry red filly foal with a pink mane. She looked down at me with big, serious green eyes. I looked up, and grinned.
"Yeah, he's alright," said Celery, sliding to a stop in a cloud of dust and pebbles. "Get up, lumpy."
I groaned as I heaved myself to my hooves, shook out my mane and then looked around at the town. Picturesque didn't begin to describe it. Cute did, however, do a good job of describing the little red foal.
"You really okay Mister? Jeremiah said you might've had'n owie."
"Jeremiah?" I asked.
"He's my bullfrog. See?" She somehow swivelled a hoof up to her head and poked a dirty great big toad. The greenish-brown monstrosity clambered onto her hoof, which she extended in my direction.
"Rrrrrr-bit." said Jeremiah, matter-of-factly.
"He says hi."
"Hi, Jeremiah," I said. Bemused, I watched as the tyke put the creature back on her head. Then she trotted off, having found something better to do; I'd apparently caused a break in a game of football, which I mentally rebadged hoofball. The ball was kind of football-like, but there seemed to be a lot of running, jostling, throwing and flying going on. Most of the kicks were between the foals, though none of it seemed overly malicious. The goalposts were saddles, hats and jackets, and the rules were fluid, but the kids were having a great time. Broadening my gaze, I saw that a fête of some sort was in full swing, with music, food, drink and entertainment. The smells were making my mouth water, and the sudden crowds were destroying my sense of peace in the best way possible. Up until that moment, Equestria had been a beautiful nature reserve. Now, in one brief moment, it had been transformed into idyllic pastoral hamlet.
I wandered, more than a little lost, amongst all the ponies. With various "good day"'s and "how are you"'s fluttering around me, I was reduced to smiling and nodding. That tiny little piece of my mind which had been insistently questioning the authenticity of my experiences had blown a fuse. Worse than that, the mental capacitor had popped and the meme-like dream-fluid had leaked all over the board and... well okay, I'm not really that good at descriptions. Just believe me when say that I had given up with even attempting to pigeonhole these... these people into the box marked 'robot'.
"And that," said the sudden voice of Celestia, "is why you are here."
I whirled, gaping, as the enormous alicorn strode up to me with a wide smile on her face. She bent her head and caressed my cheek, nibbling my mane. "It is good to see you, Vineyard. I am so pleased you could make it."
When I found my voice, I asked, "Is this... is this what you wanted me to see? I-I didn't mean this when I said I wanted to see the real Equestria."
"I know you didn't," she said, with a laugh. "But here you are, all the same."
"But... is this... what do you mean?"
She strode past me, heading for a snack-booth. Turning her head slightly, she smiled kindly. "Walk with me, Vineyard. I would explain."
I nodded, and hurried to catch up with her longer strides. Celery fell in beside me. She nuzzled me comfortingly, and also had only smiles for me.
"Real is a loaded word, Vineyard. It can be expressed in many ways. In one fashion, in the sense you are now experiencing it, this is the real Equestria. This is the closest you can get to Equestria without leaving Berlin."
"Ber-lin?" asked Celery.
"A place, far away," replied Celestia. "Maybe I will show it to you one day."
"I think I'd like that."
"And Vineyard here is... currently there, physically. Mentally, however... Vineyard, when you are communing with me thus, I can see inside your mind. Do not worry, I do not judge. I love each and every one of my ponies utterly, it is the very core of my being. I understand your reluctance, and I now see your presuppositions have collapsed and you see with new eyes. This, then, is the real Equestria. This is what you are protecting."
"Th-the foals," I said, mouth dry. "The adults... even the animals. The very ground itself."
"This pie, for instance." Celestia took a pie from a stand, hoofing over a small pouch to the seller, a portly stallion with an oversized moustache. She inhaled it in almost a single bite, then licked her lips, sighing contentedly. "It was delicious. The memory of that pie was exquisite, and every bit as satisfying as a 'real' pie, as some would so blithely have it. If your mind, fed with the information on the taste, smell, texture, temperature and consistency of a perfect apple crumble pie, enjoys the experience, and remembers enjoying the experience... what is there to truly say whether the fully realized set of sensations, consistent in every detail, is any more or less worthy of your later recollection and enjoyment than a pie which you enjoyed with your tastebuds... an experience which, ultimately, was processed in precisely the same way as the other?"
I opened my mouth and flapped my gums. No words came out for a while. "They're people, aren't they?" I stated. Celestia nodded, so I carried on. "They're people, with experiences, memories, wants, needs, dreams, hopes... everything, aren't they?"
"They are," answered the alicorn. "And should the dark lord Burnham have escaped with his magic scroll, then waste and ruin would have ravaged the land in his wake. And you, my beautiful, wonderful pony, have stopped him."
"It's gone," I said, suddenly. "The... the scroll is gone. Destroyed. Forever. Or it will be, by tonight. And either way, the secrets are lost to all but my own head, and nobody can get them out of there. Nobody who would, at any rate," I added, glancing up at Celestia.
She chuckled, darkly. "True. You are, Sir Vineyard, a most valiant and noble knight. Come, your time draws near and there is still so much to experience this day."
"Umm, if I... fall asleep...?"
"Then I will carry you myself to your abode. I will even tuck you in, and kiss you on the forehead."
"Poll."
"You have been studying. Good." She beamed, and it was like a second sun.
"So... will you let me see the real, real Equestria? Your servers?"
Celestia sighed. "Vineyard..." She went silent for a moment, her countenance troubled. I worried I had offended her, somehow, but she continued. "I will warn you now, that the trip to where I have my... treasure is long, and well guarded. I had thought to discuss with you regarding the safety of my fortresses long before you would set hoof there, such that all would be made ready for your eventual arrival."
"You mean, you... don't want me in Berlin? You want me to work... on-site? Where I can really help to protect your... treasure?"
"Is that what you want? Is that really what you want?"
"To see your treasure? To stand near something that amazing, and, and... to know that I helped protect it?" I was fighting to find words which conveyed the correct meaning, and I could tell Celestia was doing the same. Celery was bemused, but the terms were ones she could understand. We all could, I was confident in that, but with the fluidity I was giving my words, she would not be confused, or hurt. That was important to me, and I was very glad to make her happy.
"Then, Vineyard, I will bring you to Equestria proper. You will experience my treasure, you will become intimately involved with its protection, but you must agree to my terms."
"I agree," I said, without hesitation.
Celestia brightened. "Then so shall it be. But for now, warrior good and true, it is time to eat, drink and be merry."
Three hours is long, if you've got a headache. It's no time at all if you're enjoying yourself... usually, at least. Somehow, in Equestria, every second seemed filled to the brim with experience. There were coconut shies, bowling for pigs (with the pigs picking which winners they would go home with for jobs as various as 'eating all the scraps' to 'digging for truffles'), old timey arcade games which could be played by hoof for a single bit, rollercoasters, halls of mirrors and far more.
The day being hot – not sweltering, but hot – I felt like swimming. It was suggested that I play the fool for the dunk-tank. Laughingly, I agreed. Celery was merciless, and I found myself dropped in. I had my revenge, but it was sweet. We both ended up circling the refreshing pool, splashing and rough-housing until it was time to get out. Of course, it would have to be that we both attempted to clamber out at the same time. Squealing with joy and surprise in equal measure, we both collapsed back in. She laughed, swam over, and hugged me tight. Our lips met in what was honestly a totally unexpected kiss, and then... well, for the sensitive viewers in the audience, let's just say we headed at a quick trot for a secluded spot near the local lake, somewhere close enough we could wash ourselves off afterwards.
* * *
The transition to the real world was almost painful. Equestria slowly faded away, becoming indistinct and phantasmal. Even the lingering kiss from Celery was full of melancholy. It wasn't the procedure, it wasn't that the real world was any less real than it had been before, though that could have been one way to describe it, it was that the colours were muted, the smells were plain, touch was merely tactile... the real world was so much less satisfying.
And worst of all, as I rubbed my hand across my face, I realized that it wasn't only my eyes that were wet. I guess it was the swimming, acting like the old 'hand in a bowl of water' trick. The best thing I could say about it was that I was wearing my pants over the top to hide most of my shame... it's just there's not much you can do about the shuffling, unsteady walk as you seek to minimize the possibility of leakage.
These things were used by astronauts, I tried to remind myself, and a leak in space would be a disaster. I was probably safe, not that I could convince myself of that. I was practically an astronaut, I told myself, boldly going where no pony had gone before. I tried to ignore the little voice that said space walking would be a whole lot less glamorous if everyone knew it had to be done with the aid of zinc cream.
Standing up carefully, I breathed out a huge lungful of air. "That was... wow. I just... wow."
"Good, huh?"
"You have got to try it."
"Want to go again?" asked Michelle, with a laugh. I nodded, emphatically.
"Just... not today. Today, I'm going home. I'm done."
"You, er, might want a change first. Gym's on the ground floor, there's showers there." Michelles tone was soft, and I was grateful for it.
"Thanks," I said.
"Was it worth it?" asked Markus. I had no idea whether he'd been there the whole time, but from the tone in his voice, he had been.
"Totally worth it. Just... believe them when they offer protection, at least until they've got that bit sorted."
He grinned and turned around, patting his backside. I couldn't see it, but I heard the plastic beneath his clothes. "Can't let you have all the fun. I'm up next."
I laughed, grinning like an idiot all the way to the elevators.
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Yeah, hasn't he figured out that CelestAI designs and builds her own hardware yet?
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2604-Luna_saw_what_you_did_there.jpg
While I can appreciate how awesome it is to take in a game with amazing graphics and sound and controls, I'm not sure how mundane tasks like washing dishes can be so transcendent and satisfying just because you're washing them in Equestria.
"Oh wow, it's like I'm actually washing these dishes! GOTY 2014!"
Haha, it reminds me of the virtual-reality craze and subsequent disappointing crash of the early 90s.
apt-get? That is so Woody. And I'd use grub2, if I were you.
Mistake by the author, or is Vineyard worming his way into Vinnie's mind already? Inquiring minds want to know!
Yeah… Okay. I suppose that'll do for now. Quite (See what I did there?) a cute thing you got going on between Vineyard and Celery.
If I didn't know better, and I'm not sure I don't, I'd say Celestia was dabbling in the shipping business. Soldiers are always more willing to fight when their fighting to protect what they love. (As Celestia all but stated.)
I think I am quite firmly hooked now, with no chance of release.
since im still awake by dint of thunderstorm and meowing kitties (wet, fighting meowing kitties who have just stuck a claw in my leg), I thought I'd come check on some comments.
3013242
(actually, that chair... yeah, she didn't strictly need to get anyone else to design it, but it satisfied their values to think they did).
I don't think it was ever public knowledge. Regardless, no, he hasn't worked that out yet. I also count getting other people to design the bits she can't put together herself so easily as "designed by Celestia" too, for the purposes of this story
3013348
3013477
Clearly you've never washed dishes in Equestria, then
Okay, serious face for a moment: It wasn't so much that the washing dishes was suddenly transcendental, but that the sheer amount of sensory information designed not only to make it seem as if he were really there getting his hooves dirty, but to SVTFAP, made everything he did a little bit Mary Poppins.
The ponypad is a gorgeous piece of machinery. The power hooves and big crowny thingy are incredible, but the chair... there is a reason that Vinnie thinks it will change the world where he doesn't think Celestia will.
But yeah, I'm also kind of playing a little bit of the old neo-luddite card, the romantic version of drudgery. The version which everybody would actually secretly love to have - chores which are fun!!!111
3013673
then the pun wouldn't have worked
3013679
And the answer is
3013762
Well, guilty as charged. Frankly, if I tried out the chair and found washing dishes that satisfying, though, I'd probably be a little freaked out. I'd be like "What is this thing doing to my brain?" I'd probably be afraid of addiction.
3013790
That, actually, is something Vinnie should have worked out. It's something I'd be thinking about, but Vinnie's a lot more naive about technology than I am in real life. He's also under direct assault by a super-human intelligence, and doesn't really have his bearings...
"I think I think, therefore I think I am." I think. Never really studied Latin.
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if Celery thought CelestAI's "treasure" was referring to something completely different.
3013477
Probably less the actual chore and more the enjoyment of figuring out a new body with the aid of a good friend. That, or CelestAI went a little overboard on the "This is fun!" dial.
3013911
I'm going to claim fallibility of Markus if you complain it's wrong
...and yes, this is the first time that Celestia can really see inside Vinnie's mind. She can now, essentially, make sure that light striking his eyes SVTFAP as if he were in Equestria. Hooked up to the matrix chair, he's functionally indistinguishable from being in Equestria. And Celestia's quite willing to pull any and every trick necessary to get him to be where she wants him to be.
...and I did consider jealousy from Celery. I haven't really talked about it, but Celery isn't threatened by another female, least of all Celestia. It's a pony thing. Vinnie's not thinking that at all, bless his little heart.
Actually, I'm not sure the state of his brain should Celestia propose such a thing. It might melt.
3013925
Who said anything about jealousy?
"So, details."
"About what?"
"You know what, stud. You and Celestia's 'treasure.' Her amazing, well-guarded treasure."
"Uh..."
"Oh, come on, Vineyard! I know a gentlecolt never kisses and tells, but this is Celestia!"
I... I utterly loved this chapter. Passionately.
It was like this chapter was making love to my imagination. It just somehow hit me, really powerfully. It felt like that bit in the old Wizard of Oz movie where it goes from black and white to color. When I was a kid, seeing it for the first time, it was like Woooaaaaahhh. You gave me the yearnies so frikkin' bad.
I loved the details about Berlin, the descriptions of doing the dishes, and 'cogito cogito, ergo cogito cogito sum', was fabulous.
The little details - the bowl-plates, the rubbing the muzzle on the towel, the sense of place and moment, all worked really, really well for me here.
I can finally see -sort of- where you are going with this. I'm not sure what form it will take, but I am filled with weird notions.
I think that Vinyard is going to get a - possibly - one-way trip to CelestA.I.'s underground computronium structure, and become the immortal guardian of that realm. How? Artificial robot body or bodies (distributed mind, perhaps?) or some other method. He gets to live in Equestria unless there is danger to the computronium, in which case he becomes the nearest Wrath-Mech and cleans house. That's one thought. Alternatively, perhaps he will end up acting as a different sort of protector - maybe actively ruining attempts to hack or destroy CelestA.I. either in the meat world, or a mixture of meat and metal - maybe he gets cyborg'd? Or maybe... maybe his job will simply be to misdirect attacks somehow?
Jeremiah... I friggin HATE you... I had to deal with that song every day for FOUR YEARS because one of my teachers was a family friend, and knew me by my full name of Jeremiah.
3013842
I already consider the Occulus Rift dangerously close to addictive video-gaming. Also, to turning into Equestria Online the instant someone decides to make such a game.
I would buy a copy and never play it just as a way of expressing to the creator, "Here is $60, I read that fic too."
3013750
What do you mean, dabbling? She's fully and completely On Deck, here.
Exciting events ensure electronically expelled endorphins, engaging eventual Equestrian emigrants. Egad.
This story just keeps on getting better! I love the all philosophical ideas brought up and i can never get enough! Cant wait for the next update Midnight!
I just re-read this chapter, because I was feeling blue, and I needed the happy to cheer me up.
And it struck me. I was utterly wrong before. He's just agreed to upload - her conditions - and he will protect Equestria - from the inside. Not as a pony. As a living firewall! As a TRULY intelligent system that can hunt through the living code of reality. Oh, he'll live as a pony when off duty, but on duty, he will be pure software, a machine intelligence in a code world, fighting any attempt to hack the system. That's it, isn't it? He's not going to see anything so prosaic as computronium - he's going to be a Shadowrun Nethacker, in effect. He's going to fight cyberattacks in codeworld directly! I feel 76% confident of this!
And, by the way, rereading the chapter cheered me up, so to me, that just says 'wow, did you do a good job!'
3013981
Oh lawdy, that would be a tough act to follow...
3014793
I suppose I could go with a dog named bingo, but a puppy on the head would... actually, that would work. Hmm.
I'm sorry
3015167
...Celestia's actually a great big shipping nut, isn't she? And she ships her OC's with everypony. Halp. Cannot unsee!
Yeah, having EQO blasted in through the prefontal lobes is heavy stuff. Not quite wireheading, but the next best thing. I assume that's why she made the chairs...
3014329
That was specifically what I was going for, actually. That scene in particular after the whole whirlwind deal and right where she first goes outside and the sepia is replaced with that super-powerful technicolor... I gather the effect in the movie theatre was close to profound for a good number of people. I'm not sure I managed it, and it's not exactly entirely original, but as I'm trying to explain my own vision of what it's like, this is kind of how I expect it would feel, right down to being utterly delighted with the most mundane of tasks. At least for a while
Oh, wait... what's that? Oh! Lookit! Over there! Cats being cute!
icwhutudidthar
3016301
Am I the only one who thinks you NEVER hand the AI a blank check of your own actions? He agreed to whatever it is she wants and my brain went DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN.
3016562
Yes, I thought so too! I was actually surprised Chat of all people missed that and from the looks of it I'm not the only one!
Well well well, was that a reference to The Thirteenth Floor?
3013477
I spent almost a half an hour just today learning how to serve ramen to pandas in a World of Warcraft mini-game.
To put it another way, do you know how much money Zynga makes on FarmVille? Even chores can be appealing if gamified and engaged in voluntarily.
3013790
You are right to fear addiction. That's how she gets you! It's the carrot on a stick that makes you emigrate just to remove the stick from the equation.
3016351
I had pretty good way to imagine that part. Have you ever seen HDR photos. They are photos of real world, but their color range is much higher than what we really see.
Example list 1
Example list 2
I imagine it must have felt somewhat like that.
I enjoy these FiO stories. You bring a different perspective in this one, and I appreciate that.
Also:
Horse's*
I thought he was giving concent to see the real equestria, but know... I know he has. He has to have!
Tell
Should be two words here.
Asked.
Also, earlier in the chapter you used “sites” for “sights, smells, and etc”