The Frozen West
The Frozen West
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.
By Cozy Mark IV
Martin was still a young child, barely eight years out of the egg, but he was bright for his age. His family wasn't well to do rich, but his father was a land owner and he had grown up around other griffins and ponies on the family's lush green plantation. He already knew how to tend the livestock and how to harvest the grains and wheat, but his real love was adventure. One of the family's hired ponies had a chest of old books that had been in her family for more generations than she could remember, and though the pages were brittle and faded with great age, the story they told about the adventures of a mare called 'Daring Do' inspired his imagination with fantastic tales of adventures in some other world.
He got his first taste on his ninth birthday when his father invited him along on a trip to the west to harvest ice. His family, like most plantations this close to the west maintained a large barn where huge blocks of ice, each the height of a griffin and at least as wide were kept packed in straw year round to restock the ice boxes and make ice cream. There were griffins whose families made their living hauling ice to the burning east using teams of ponies to make the long trek, and indeed, their farm's proximity to one of the great east-west roads was the only reason they could find ponies to take on the hard labor around the farm. A healthy pony could demand a high wage anywhere as their strength and raw muscle for farming were unmatched, and being such a small minority they were always in high demand.
It was mid-June when he had set out with his father and twelve enclosed carts with twelve ponies to pull them while four griffons led the way pulling the supply cart. Little Martin wheeled overhead fighting the cold wind that blew endlessly from the west as he scouted their path. Their progress had been good for the first week but as they left the green lands further behind the road degraded from a well-worn path to a dirt track, and then to a mere rut winding between the low hills of scrubby tundra in the blowing snow. By the middle of the second week they had reached their destination, a valley where a small glacier pushed down from the frozen west. The team had set to work with the two-griffon drills and the gunpowder, drilling holes and then blasting the ice loose to be cut into more manageable pieces with the huge two-griffon saws.
On their third day at the ice fields, Martin had grown bored of watching them working and begun exploring around the campsite when he stumbled across it. Downstream of the glacier where the ice was broken and beginning to melt he saw something sticking out of the ice, something that wasn't a rock.
He took to the air and landed next to it and upon closer inspection it turned out to be a piece of cut timber, not a tree but a board. His father had dismissed this area as being 'too contaminated' to yield good ice but at the time he hadn't understood what he meant so now he began exploring in earnest. As he followed the melt path down into the valley more beams and posts turned up, some round, others square as well as small planks of wood that looked almost like shingles from a roof.
Though he was still young he was not an ignorant country griffon. His father had friends in the cities to the east and had seen to it Martin received a good education. He knew as well as any that the lands to the west never knew spring, just ice and snow that only got colder as one continued to the west. To the east the temperature rose as the sun climbed in the sky, and if one kept going far enough, past the great desert, eventually the boiling sea would be reached. On the edge of the great desert the old cities had stood since the beginning of recorded history more than a thousand years ago, and now in this new industrial age they turned out one new invention after another: Steam engines, metal castings, farming machines, even engines that ran on burning oil.
According to everything he had learned this shouldn't be here. The great griffon civilizations were far to the east where it was warmer. No one could live in this frozen wasteland, nor could he see why anyone would want to. Had he stumbled onto some ice miners' shack then?
His curiosity piqued, the nine-year-old griffin continued climbing over the great boulders of ice and inside a deep fissure he spied something that looked like the shattered remains of a brick chimney. Sinking his claws into the face of the ice he carefully slid down slope expecting to find perhaps the battered remains of an ice shack. After looking around the modest ice cave for several minutes his unease gradually grew as he surveyed the wreckage. Something definitely didn't make sense here. The building was far too large to be a simple ice shack; he found the remains of glass windows, the base of a large fireplace, and ash. So much ash! Someone would have had to burn wood for months on end, and at an incredible rate to produce such amounts... It just didn't make sense. Wood commanded a steep price this far to the west, so far beyond the last forests. His brow knotted in confusion as he asked himself; 'What kind of rich fool would build a house on the western glaciers and haul tons of wood to heat it?'
Lost in thought he almost missed it among the rest of the twisted debris. It was a piece of cloth frozen into the ice snaking sideways though the wall. Martin took out his spare chisel and began digging, and to his surprise this ice seemed to give way easily. In a few moments he knew he was looking at a blanket, and as he dug deeper something cracked and a large cascade of black slush and ice burst from the face he had been chiseling on, soaking his back paws and making him shiver.
As the torrent of ice water spent itself he looked around at the black ash stained water and stopped cold as he saw it. A frozen hoof peeking out of a blanket.
He screamed and scrambled out of the crevice, but in the desolate ice field no one heard anything and he was left to himself, sitting on the top of the ice for some time panting and trying to get his racing heart under control.
After a few minutes he was able to calm down, but rather than go running to his father who would have asked why he had been poking around in such a deep fissure he decided to go back for a second look if only to be sure of what he thought he had seen.
The water had drained away through the rocky soil and though he dared not approach there was now no doubt as to what he saw. The blankets must once have been brightly colored, and there were at least of dozen of them that had once been wrapped around the sight before him. It was not just one lone hoof he had seen. With the water gone and the blankets torn away he could see their desiccated features and the sight filled him with a deep and pervasive dread. This was not just one lone ice miner. The hoof he saw was wrapped around a smaller pony, probably his wife and clutched between them was a single tiny form, its limp tail hanging down between its parents' hooves.
He climbed out of the crevice and slowly made his way back to the camp, trying to make sense of it all. What insanity would drive someone to build a home in the great ice fields? What fool would bring his family to such a desolate place? His father had no answers for him, but their team did retrieve the poor family and give them a decent burial before turning for home, their carts now loaded high with ice.
…
Almost twenty years had passed since that trip. Martin had finished his schooling, gone on to college and followed the trail blazed by his fictional hero into a career in archeology. Now after an exhaustive campaign to raise the necessary funding, his expedition to the west was finally setting out, seeking answers to the questions he had been asking for almost two decades.
His find in the ice field had not been as unusual as he had thought; there were countless tales of bizarre finds in the western ice but mixed in with the true finds were tales of myth and legend that clouded the true picture.
Expeditions had gone west before and many had not come back. Those that did reported that the snow storms only grew in strength the further west they went and that they had no choice but to turn back.
However there was an exception. One team had lost most of their griffons and all of their equipment but one lone griffon from the party had survived, limping into an ice mining camp and collapsing from exposure. He had lost most of his claws to frost bite and more than a few thought the cold had damaged his mind but what a story he told: He reported that after pushing on further than anyone else the snow storms had begun to slacken, and encouraged by this the team had pressed on for days by lantern light until finally a break in the storm allowed them to see the sky which is all but invisible in the west. He reported seeing tiny lights scattered across the black sky like fireflies but very faint and far away. Most academics dismissed this description as the addled mind of a half frozen adventurer.
Only now with the invention and perfection of the airship could an expedition to the western pole be seriously considered and after years of work, he and his team were determined to find out what, if anything, lay beyond the veil of the western snow storms.
Their group was a small one, just three other griffons and himself, a necessary concession that kept the weight of supplies fuel and parts low enough for their airship to rise into the upper winds. While the wind at the ground always blew steadily from the west to the east, tests with weather balloons had revealed that above a certain altitude the winds reversed direction, carrying hot moist air from the boiling sea westward towards the cold and the dark. If this height could be reached the powerful winds would carry them swiftly towards the west pole.
With the anchor lines cast off, the long streamlined ship shot up into the sky and in under two hours they were headed west at a terrific speed of many hundreds of miles an hour. The cabin for the four of them was little more than a heavily insulated box tucked inside the sleek elliptical balloon and as the ground rolled by below them they all settled in for the ride, admiring the view while they could. In a single thirty-hour day they had cleared the last major settlement and the landscape was becoming rapidly more bleak and uninviting below them as the sun slowly sank in the sky. As the first glaciers made their appearance Marten asked his colleague Doctor Frank what he thought they might find as they traveled further west than anyone had ever been.
“You mean the myths of some ancient yeti civilization in the snow?” he laughed. “I would love to find such a prize, but I seriously doubt it exists. The snow that drives the glaciers would wipe away any trace of buildings or anything else really. And that's without asking the obvious question of what such creatures would eat in a land where nothing grows.”
Their fourth member and resident mechanic, a burly griffon named 'Knock' asked “What is it you expect to find, sir?”
Martin laughed. “You'll think me an old romantic, but now that it's just the four of us? I am secretly hoping to find something new. I don't know what, but perhaps there are secrets to the west that even we know nothing of.”
They laughed of course, but he was among friends and didn't mind the ribbing.
The hours slipped slowly by as did the seemingly endless glaciers underneath them. They had chosen their takeoff point carefully to avoid areas known for their bad storms but they still had to fly through snow for several days as the increasing cold wrung the water from the air around them.
When the snow finally cleared after days of riding the currents, the four of them looked out to see nothing but blackness. Switching on the new electric lights showed the glacier below them, but they could see that they had lost a great deal of altitude in the freezing air and their speed had fallen off to less than a hundred miles per hour as the great eastward winds spent themselves in the cold wastes, cooling and falling before beginning the long trip back towards the sea.
“The winds still seem to be blowing us along at seventy miles an hour or so.” Doctor Frank confirmed after taking measurements and using his slide rule. “We should wait until our speed drops below twenty before we light the engines. We brought as much fuel as we could but we are already further west than anyone has gone before. If we run out we will surely join those poor souls frozen in the ice below us.”
“Agreed. We should still have day or two of free travel at this rate before-”
Martin was cut off by a shout from outside the airlock style door of the room. Their physician, Doctor Mason, had climbed up into the biting cold on the flimsy rope ladder that ran to the top of the balloon and was yelling and pointing at something. They all hurriedly bundled up and climbed the ladder to join him on top of the balloon, and what they saw there stunned them into silence.
Stretched out from horizon to horizon, the black sky was studded with not hundreds, but tens of thousands of tiny white lights tinkling in the bitter cold.
“Son of a... he was telling the truth!”
“Frank, you have any idea what those are?”
“You got me... Anything that high would have to be blown about by the winds like our weather balloons...”
They all stared, but none of the lights moved, not even a little bit. Martin tried his pocket telescope, but it didn't seem to bring any of the lights into focus or make them any clearer.
“I don't know what they are, but they seem to be immune to my telescope... Doc, why don't you get some pictures? I'm going back inside, it’s way too cold out here.”
…
Over the next several days their ship gradually slowed, and they were forced to finally play their torches over the engines to heat them before bringing them both to life with many a cough and sputter. With the propellers now pushing their craft ahead they knew exactly how long they could run them before having to turn around and though it should be enough to get them to the pole, this was uncharted territory and they were all nervous.
Below them the glaciers gradually shrank and became less common as mountain peaks began to break through the layers of ice. Before long even the snow cover had thinned and vanished leaving only the barren stony ground below them. When the next observation time came around they found a surprise waiting for them on top of the airship.
Dr. Frank was staring in awe at the snow that was drifting leisurely around them, once more blotting out their view of the sky above and the ground below.
"I knew this was a possibility, but I didn't really expect to see it with my own eyes..."
Knock looked at him in confusion, though the expression was invisible behind his cold weather mask.
"What? Tis just more snow is it not?"
Martin chuckled. "No Knock, this is the 'second snow'. The temperature out here has dropped so low that the very air is beginning to turn to ice and fall as snow. This isn't water ice, it's dry ice."
There was a moment's silence as they all stared at the thin cloud of slowly swirling snow their ship was driving through. Behind them the propellers hummed on below leaving two swirling wakes in this peaceful fairy tail snow storm.
Despite the serene beauty of the snow shimmering in the moonlight, the reality of their surroundings was more unsettling.
"I laughed at you when you insisted on bringing all those gallons of water into a snow storm..." Knock said slowly as he worked it out.
"And now you see why we need them." Martin finished, deadly serious. "You watched the water ice of the glaciers disappear over the last few days. Now you know why. This air is dry. Absolutely dry, without a trace of water. Any water below us, even a glacier, would have sublimated into water vapor and blown away on these desert winds ages ago. We will find no water ice past this point and any snow that looks like water will burn us and turn to choking vapor if we're foolish enough to try drinking it.
The snow blowing around them had taken on a vaguely sinister quality as though taunting any thirsty adventurers who might make it this far and they were suddenly all very glad of their water supply as they retired for the night.
As the crew slept the snow clouds thinned still further and eventually disappeared, leaving them a startling discovery when they woke.
Doc Frank's shout jarred the other three from a sound sleep. “Holy shit! Is that what I think it is?!”
They all crawled from their bunks to gather around the portholes in the bottom of the balloon. Below them to their utter astonishment, was a forest. Dead and barren now without a trace of green but a forest none the less. Martin swung into action.
“Knock, bring the engines to an idle, I don't want them going out in this cold; we had a hard enough time starting them as it was. Frank? Start venting some of the gas and look for an open patch to set us down in. We have got to see this.”
Knock, their mechanic and resident engineer, couldn't help but wonder aloud. “How in bloody blazes did a forest grow in the middle of the frozen west? The temperature hasn't been above freezing here in at least the thousand years we've been around to keep records!”
“Uh... I think I might have a way to answer that...” Mason answered as he turned to face them, looking like he was about to faint.
“How?”
Mason swallowed hard. “We could ask the natives.”
…
Spread out below them was a city. As insane as it was, there was no other way to describe it.
After much debate the team set the airship down at one end of a large main street that ran between the buildings, many of which were ten or twenty stories tall. The landing was made easier by the absence of even a light breeze. The great winds had long ago spent themselves, and now the frigid air hung absolutely still around them, its temperature having fallen to more than one hundred degrees below zero C.
The team had prepared for this and now donned their re-breathers, goggles and extreme cold weather gear as they got up the nerve to step outside. The gear would keep them alive in the extreme cold, but it also meant they couldn't fly as their wings would freeze within seconds of exposure.
If they had expected a welcome party, they were disappointed. Some force had blown or desiccated all the snow from this city countless ages ago, and aside from the near total darkness and extreme cold it looked almost like some of the cities of the east. With no snow to crunch underfoot, the stillness of the air and the total silence gave them all an uneasy feeling. They could feel it in their bones.
Something was not right here.
This city shouldn't exist.
It couldn't exist!
Yet, here they were.
As they stepped out of the ship, their flashlights illuminated a small area around the them, but lacked the power to show much beyond ten or fifteen feet. The buildings that towered overhead and the long street behind them remained shrouded in darkness.
“I say we stick together and try exploring that first building there.” Knock suggested, indicating an eight story brick building.
“Agreed.”
The door opened without resistance and the four of them played their flashlights over the darkened interior of the building. Shelves stacked with merchandise lined the walls and a cash register sat at a desk by the door, looking ready for use at a moment's notice. Doc Frank examined the writing and frowned behind his mask.
“This isn't some ancient script. I recognize this. It's an old pony dialect. Martin, this language hasn't been used like this in more than a thousand years!”
The ramifications of that slowly sunk in.
“What does it say?” Martin asked quietly.
“'Berghoof's Department Store, Manehattan. Register number three'.”
Martin was getting the shivers just standing there, shivers that had nothing to do with the intense cold. “Let's try another building. I think the one across the plaza might be an apartment building.”
The four griffons crossed back over the plaza, the soft idle of their ship's engines the only sound to be heard. Unconsciously they all found themselves trying to be quiet, as though the stillness did not like to be disturbed.
The next building was indeed an apartment complex, but unlike the pristine shop, this building's door refused to open until Martin removed a crowbar from his pack and pried. The doors splintered and fell from their hinges, showering the ground with wooden chips that sounded like hard tile as they hit the ground. As their flashlights illuminated the inside they saw that the front desk had been ransacked, and a trail of debris led around the corner and down a flight of stairs. The group carefully descended the stairs, and as their flashlights lit the basement there was a sharp and universal intake of breath.
Bodies. Dozens of them. Frozen ponies huddled together under blankets in what had apparently been a last-ditch attempt to stay warm. The ash spread around the floor and the empty fuel baskets attested to a fire that had burned and given light and warmth up until the very end. Where their faces were left uncovered by blankets, bare eye sockets could be seen, the moisture in their eyes having long since sublimated away, desiccating them like mummies. One face seemed to be looking in their direction and the beams of their flashlights made it look as though the mare was staring at them across the vast gulf of time between them.
The four of them ran from the building, but in the dark they chose the wrong exit and found themselves in an alley behind the apartment. It took several minutes but eventually they calmed down enough to speak again.
“This place tain't no city, 'tis a tomb!” Knock gasped.
“It certainly looks that way. Those poor ponies must not have had time to get out.”
“I'm more worried about that door...” Martin said quietly.
“What about it?”
“It wasn't stuck. Someone barricaded themselves in that building to hide... from something out here...”
The rest of them looked around nervously until Knock suddenly laughed. “I, and whatever it was probably froze along with them more than a thousand years ago. I wouldn't worry if I were you.”
“Wait, what makes you think this happened a thousand years ago?” Doc Frank asked.
“Well, ya don't have to be a genius, now do you? Our written records only go back a little over a thousand years to the time of the great storm. So whenever these ponies lived, it had to have been before that.”
“Okay, I can follow that much, but how in the world could they ever have lived at all in this cold?”
Knock thought about that for a moment. “Well, I suppose the sun must have shone here at some point in the distant past.”
“What?! If the sun were shining here then all griffon lands would be either frozen or burned to ash and that obviously didn't happen.” Doc Mason protested.
Knock seemed to be thinking hard, and when he spoke he had the most ridiculous idea any of them had ever heard.
“What if the world were to spin? You know, like a top, so every side gets some heat and some cold?”
Doc Frank and Mason both enjoyed a good laugh over their mechanic's simplicity.
“Oh, that is a good one. 'What if it spun?' Ha!”
“I'm sorry Knock, he doesn't mean to be rude, but surely you know how the sky works? The moon goes around the world and shows one face to us, and our world stands off and shows one face to the sun. A world can most definitely not spin. Why, it would be undignified.” he added as an afterthought.
Knock frowned behind his mask and pointed a gloved claw skyward at the glowing pinpoints of light. “All right then. Where do those fit into your view of the sky?”
Their laughter died on their beaks as they followed his gaze.
After a long silence Martin spoke up. “Why don't we try to find our way back to the ship? I don't know about you, but this place still gives me the creeps...”
As they stepped out of the alleyway they noticed a dim but growing light on the horizon, and looking up they were surprised to see the moon illuminating the cityscape around them with a dim glow.
“Good, now we can see where we're going.” Knock groused, switching off his flashlight to save the battery. “I think the airship is around this building here.”
However, before they had taken more than a few steps Doc Frank called out in a shaky voice. “Does... Does anyone else see that?”
They all stopped cold and followed his pointed claw to something that they had taken to be a statue. As they hesitantly closed the distance and played their flashlights across the thing, they suddenly knew it was no statue.
The pony was frozen solid just like the others they had found in the basement, but something had broken the head off after death. Martin shone his light on the head and they all gasped.
Something had mutilated the body.
The ponies face was as mummified as the rest they had seen, but something had worked this one over with a crude knife, pulling the lips back in a hideous grin, and as they looked back to the body they could now see that one hoof was forever frozen in the act of pointing at a spot in the sky.
Doc Mason confirmed their fears. “This... was done before the pony died... Someone dragged him out here and posed him like this to die of exposure...” His voice shook as he spelled it out. “In a frozen wasteland like this no one could survive for long, but look at him. He doesn't have anything to protect himself from the cold. Someone or something must have been... hunting them even as the cold seeped into their homes...”
This time they all shivered as they looked around in fear.
“Let’s get out of here.” Martin said, trying not to sound panicked.
The group walked around the building and into a small courtyard. They might have walked right past it if Knock hadn't seen it and jumped a foot in the air.
In the center of the courtyard stood another pony, a mare this time with that same hideous forced grin that had been inflicted with a knife. Her empty eye sockets still peered at the place she pointed to in the sky with her hoof.
They all shuddered and backed away from the hideous frozen statue, but before they could move on a low sound, like an endless intake of breath seemed to surround them, rooting them all to the ground as they frantically looked for the source. The soft sigh rose to a hiss, and as they watched, the frozen corpse before them began to glow.
“Holy shit! What is-”
At the sound of his voice, the hiss became a banshee scream and the glow resolved itself into the form of a pony looking very much as the pony must have looked in life. Ghost would be too kind a term to describe what now faced them. Ghost implies black and white, a dim recollection of life gone by. The figure before them looked exactly as she had in life, save only that she was now translucent, the buildings behind her showing though. Death had apparently not been kind to the mare.
“YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LOOK! I WON'T LOOK EVER AGAIN!!” The apparition shrieked at them as it lunged forward, only to be brought up short by a glowing ethereal chain and collar that seemed to be anchored to the corpse it emerged from.
The pony before them had no eyes. Not the desiccated sockets of a corpse, no. Fresh blood ran from her eye sockets as though she had recently gouged out her own eyes rather than see anymore. She thrashed at the end of the glowing chain that bound her to her corpse screaming at the source of the voice she could not see. “I WON”T LOOK! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME ANYMORE!”
The gunshot echoed through the night and the corpse's head splintered into a thousand pieces while the glowing chain snapped. As they watched the mare seemed to fade, becoming more transparent until she disappeared altogether leaving an expanding ripple in darkness around them as though she had fallen into deep water.
Knock slowly lowered his black powder pistol as they all tried to catch their breath.
“What... what in the five kingdoms was that?!” Martin finally managed.
Dr. Mason answered in hushed tones. “That was some of the most powerful magic I have ever seen.”
“Did we just see... a ghost?” Dr. Frank asked in hushed tones.
“I believe you just saw that poor pony's soul... And if Knock is right about the age of this place... She may have been trapped like that for... for more than a thousand years.”
The group shuddered at the thought.
“I guess someone wanted to have somepony around to talk to...” Knock murmured, the alarm growing in his voice. “Somepony who would be there century after century...”
“Just like they were!” Martin finished in a near panicked whisper. “She obviously thought we were someone else! Someone who's still around!”
They all looked over their shoulders as the eerie silence set in again. As loud as the screaming had been, Knock's gunshot had to have been the first thunderclap this place had heard in a millennium. If anything still lived in this city...
“Come on, let’s get out of here!” Doc Frank insisted in an urgent whisper.
“What should we do if we find another of those... things?” Knock asked, gesturing to the frozen corpse with a shudder.
“We do just what you did. Break the body and free the poor thing to move on. It's the only thing we can do.” Doc Mason replied sadly.
They continued on down the street only to find it sloping downward to end abruptly between two more apartment buildings. Martin was not about to go back the way they had come, and when the doors failed to open his crowbar once more gained them entrance to the building. A quick glance around showed this had been a service entrance someone had barricaded as best they could and it didn't take much to figure out what they would find if they followed the trail of ash and debris downstairs.
“Come on, this looks like the way up.” Doc Frank whispered urgently as he bounded up the stairs.
The group burst through the locked door at the top of the stairs and back out into the open street. As they turned to keep running, a voice from behind them froze them all to the spot.
“Hello?”
A dim light shown across their backs as they slowly turned to face it.
It was another mutilated corpse, its wide grin and sightless eyes fixed on a different point in the black sky. This one however, couldn't have been more than a child. As they watched in horror, the glow resolved itself into the form of a translucent orange foal, her straight red mane falling over her green eyes as though she were trying to hide behind it. As she caught sight of their strange masks and blank goggles she gave a yelp of fear and tried to run, only to be pulled up short by the glowing collar and chain that trapped her beside her frozen body.
They could only stare as the translucent orange foal began to break down and sob. “I just want to see my Mom... Please... it's been so long! Please, just let me go to my Mom and Dad!”
The little foal got up and walked towards the doorway they had just come from until her chain snapped taut. “Please! They're inside! I just want to see them again! Please let me go inside! Let me see my Mom!”
The little foal strained against the glowing white chain that trapped her by her body, pulling and yanking her immaterial form against it without effect as she cried and her tears fell and splashed softly on the hard street that would have frozen any real water in an instant. Doc Mason stepped forward and slowly pulled the pistol from its holster.
In an instant, the little foal figured it out and a look of stark terror gripped her as she leaped at him. “No!! Please don't kill me! I'll be good, I swear! I just want my Mom! Please just let me see my Mom!
The chain was just long enough for her to reach him, but her body passing right through him.
“Please! I don't want to die! Please don't do this! I want my Mom! Please just let me see-”
The tiny head with its mutilated grin exploded in a cloud of shards as the gun went off. The chain holding the little foal snapped, and she immediately began to fade, frantically flailing as her struggles sent ripples through the very darkness around them.
“No!! Mommy!” Her cries faded and soon vanished as the icy stillness returned to the empty street.
The four of them just stood there for several minutes trying to process what they had just seen and done.
Martin had to remove his goggles and he and the others frantically attempted to scrape the ice and fog off the insides of the lenses before their eyes froze up.
The goggles had not been designed for tears.
At length, Knock spoke up in a shaky voice, trying to offer his reassurance. “You did the right thing Mason.”
The griffin sniffed behind his mask, his voice still shaking. “Maybe so... but I hope I never have to do that again.”
Martin shook himself. “Come on, whatever did this could still be out here. The ship is just around that building there. Let’s get out of here!”
They ran around the corner and found themselves looking down the same long street they had landed on and two blocks down sat the airship, still idling in the moonlight just where they had left it. Buildings flashed past on either side as they ran down the street. In the middle of the road trees and small structures dotted what had once been a wide median strip between two lanes of traffic traveling in opposite directions. They were only a block away when they saw the glow ahead of them in the moonlight, not a small dim glow this time, but a bright swath of light right across the road that nearly blinded them after so long in the dark.
They skidded to a halt, their path to the ship blocked by the sight before them.
Foals. Hundreds of them. They had been placed in neat rows across the street, each with a hideous grin carved into their frozen face and each with a hoof forever frozen in the act of pointing at the sky like someone's sick idea of an astronomy class.
As they watched frozen in terror, the light before them resolved itself into hundreds of translucent foals in matching school uniforms who all turned towards them and bowed until their faces scraped the street.
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This is a very good story! I'm impressed with how far your writing skills have come since we met, and even though this particular story is scary and dark, I can still see how good you're going to be at writing stories for a little 'filly' or 'colt' of our own someday.
It all made sense with the ending line...
Brilliant stuff.
One thing to think of in terms of improving is to add a bit more description in how cold the place was. Ice layers on doors/windows, snowdrifts by the side of walls, how the cold cuts through the layers of fabric they wear, etc.
Still, favourited and upvoted.
Good story. I didn't figure it out until the end, although the ponies staring at something in the sky was obvious in hindsight. It's a little dark for my tastes too, but enjoyable.
Wow. Just, wow.
This reads like some of my early stuff. I mean that as a compliment, truly. Nice work with this story. The end caught me by surprise, very well done. I could see this as a longer story, but as this stands it's an excellent one shot. Thank YOU.
Very well written and very well thought out.You described the sense of exploration and the slowly mounting horror like a master, inducing it in the reader by merely showing things. This is one of the science fantasy and horror stories I have ever read.
...
Wow
This was brilliant, creepy, unsettling and a fantastic work
This is a story to be proud of
One like, check
One fav, check
You deserved them
That... was fucking terrifying and creepy and pure spine-tingling horror. Amazing, dude.
Genuine pony horror. You are an artist. The bizarre curiosity one feels in the beginning slowly grows into a feeling of dread. The stuff with the corpse-ghosts pointing at the sky is kind of campy (a reference to the Sig Heil?) but also very believable considering Luna/NMM's character. Holy shit I got chills. Congrats.
I came here from Sci-Fi Ponies. This makes a large part of my headcanon now. The Boiling Sea, the West Pole, the ice mining and the scarcity of ponies... It's like Antipodes, but hard sci-fi.
What, did you send me the message just to make me jealous? In all honesty though, this story is great! I wish I could write something like this. Oddly, it also made me want to go write a western. Not sure why.
*applause*
I came here from your post in the Sci-Fi Ponies. And, well...
This is a stellar piece of work. You manage to build the sense of creepiness in a nice crescendo, starting with the dead city, then the corpses, then the "ghosts". And while it took me a bit (probably longer than it should have) to figure out the meaning of the final line, when I did, it made my day. Because this is what should happen if we integrate a scientific standpoint into the show.
Have a like and fav. You deserve it.
Dayumn.
Dawned- donned
Medium- median
Niiiiiice.
Gave me some shivers there, you did.
Second (or maybe third or fourth?) horror/creepy story I've read were a frigid desert area comes into play. An this takes a very original take on it too.
Brilliant stuff. Simply brilliant.
Two words: Too Short.
No character tags?
Here via Seattle's Angels. Congrats on the feature!
A few scattered thoughts on the story:
Given that this is an MLP fanfic and the premise is that the sun is fixed in the sky, there's no possible way to inject any suspense into the ending. Your readers are going to suck at the jawbreaker for 6,000 words and, surprise, what's left is going to be exactly the tiny sugary core we expected. That does not, however, stop this story from being a sweet experience as you digest it layer by layer. (So to speak. Okay, maybe this was a poorly thought analogy, what with the creeping horror and all.) In a way, I'm glad you didn't make this longer, because the longer you go, the more anticlimactic the final reveal is.
> Their laughter died on their lips as they followed his gaze.
I think you meant "beaks"?
The Actual Science of the story was appreciated, although I'm curious if you have a source for the empty eye socket dehydration thing. I'd think that when the body dies, the eyeballs would freeze just the same as the rest of it, and once frozen they would be no more susceptible to degradation than any other body part.
But the glacier scene, the travel, the discovery at the western pole … all outstanding. The pre-spoilered ending did not diminish the horror of the west's fate in any way. This is up there with The Writing On The Wall in the Deeply Creepy Pony Archaeology department. Well done.
Best,
H
Thank you for the kind words.
As to the science, I did what I could to make it accurate, and that isn't always pretty... (See upsetting link)
That is a picture of what happened in the real world when an Emperor Penguin got lost in a snow storm and walked away from the coast. There are no predators in the antarctic. Nothing has been disturbed and in the frozen cold decay takes a very long time.
Water can jump directly from a solid to a vapor (Sublimate) if the air is cold and dry enough, and that's what happened here.
There is a reason this story has a dark tag.
wow..... all i can say is wow. this story is simply fantastic i love the thought you put into the world and i'll definitely look at your other stories
Lord of the Rings reference? :D
I love the world and the ideas, as most who read this seem to. It's reminiscent of Lovecraft (in a good way) without being an outright clone of his style. But I still feel that it suffers from some basic flaws in pacing. Not sure if you welcome detailed criticism or not, so I'll just leave it at that.
There are a lot of things I like about this story. It takes possibly the most dead-tired premise in the fandom (I've seen variations on this premise literally dozens, probably hundreds of times--I probably read too much fanfiction), and... well, it doesn't breath new life into it, exactly, but it manages to be atmospheric and, dare I say, genuinely disturbing, despite traveling entirely over well-worn ground. The unobtrusive injection of actual cold-weather science was very welcome; it's informative and appropriate, giving the story an air of reality without seeming too intrusive. And the dry, detached writing style and deliberate vagueness give a very appropriate sense of foreboding, and make the horror bits towards the end shine by juxtaposing terse descriptions with vivid ideas.
My only complaint, in fact, is technical: you've got to figure out your commas. Seriously, there are some serious punctuation issues in this fic. That's "just" annoying and distracting when it breaks up a sentence in unnatural or obviously incorrect ways, but there are places in this story where poor technical writing is actively impeding easy comprehension. Lines like:
are actually rather difficult to parse, especially since this is the introduction of the name, and it could (and was, by me) easily be mistaken for another character's name to whom he's speaking. I mean, assuming you forgot the quotation marks around "Knock" makes as much sense as assuming you forgot the comma after "mechanic" (and the word "asked should be followed by a comma, not a period, as long as we're stopped).
The punctuation's pretty much the only thing I didn't enjoy about this story, and it may seem like a minor thing (indeed, you nailed all the HARD parts of writing a story!), but when the issue is as pervasive as it is here... it's really, really noticeable. And as I said, in places it's literally ruining your prose. Please get a good editor to help you fix up the commas; this story is too good to have something dragging it down which is that easy to fix. There are plenty of groups here on FIMFiction dedicated specifically to helping authors get editing advice, and with just a little spit and polish, this story could truly shine.
Thanks for sharing this fic!
-Chris
Despite all the information you pack into this short of a story, you still maintained an atmosphere of mystery throughout that made the end reveal strike like a punch in the gut. Very nice work.
I SO called that ending the minute they found the first corpses!
Wow...I am blown away. That really was something else, and I am not sure how to comment. I think I am going to stick with liked and faved. because I don't honestly think I can say anything appropriate.
Oh, what a wonderfully atmospheric tale of horror! You do a wonderful job of laying out the pieces bit by bit, and...
Oh dear... given that Babs (Noooo! Not Babs!
) was actually interacting with Martin and crew, I gather these ghosts are not simply repeating some moment of ultimate horror locked in the past.
"All hail Nightmare Moon!"
This... is going to be one of those expeditions that are never heard from again, isn't it.
Brilliant.
3365922
Actually? I always imagined that they made it home just fine with photo evidence of everything they found.
And obvious proof left behind from their visit...
That would be much much scarier.
Definitely get a Lovecraftian vibe from the whole of the work.
The initial exposition was truly enthralling, but I was personally disappointed when all of that narrative setup culminated in a somewhat lackluster ending.
However, it is still an original and entertaining horror vignette. I was expecting Windigos, but that does just as well.
Sh
t This was great.
I very much liked this. The atmosphere, the realism lent to it by the use of hard science, and the creepy end reveal were all very well-used. Mostly I just like how much you explored in detail the implications of this premise despite a short word count.
This story kind of reminds me of Antipodes, but it's Antipodes if Antipodes were a horror story rather than an action-adventure or whatever else you might call it. And I think it's stronger for that, because for a post-apocalyptic fic, one of my main complaints about Antipodes was that it didn't often feel like one or really delve into and play with its setting much, which this did, in all the right ways.
Like 3357993 said before though (Hello, by the way, Chris! Didn't expect to see you here!), I did find fault with the grammar. Specifically commas. Whatever may have happened to the segment he quoted, there are still a few places in the current version of the fic where it feels like there should be commas and there aren't. So I'll second Chris's recommendation to find an editor to fix those mistakes. It's the only thing holding back the fic from crossing from good to excellent.
And on a final note, just how related to this fic is Piracy? You said that Frozen West is "part of a larger story" in the author's notes, but at a glance, the two don't really seem related. Neither is marked as a sequel to the other, neither description references the other, they have different characters and settings, and the fact that this story has an alternate universe tag while that one doesn't seems to suggest that they're not even in continuity. So what's the link, and is it worth my time to read as an expansion of this story?
Other than that, great story, and thank you for writing this.
Great piece of work. I'm okay with the fact that you 86-ed any propensity for dialogue and crammed all exposition and world building into three paragraphs, rushing the setting and characters so as to get to the rising action. Your rich, tight prose reflects the hardship and practicality of the protagonist's life, as well as the harsh beauty of the wilderness in which the story takes place, and it took me about one or two thousand words before I realize how much Jules Verne influence there was. Although I'm not a big fan of that kind of adventure tale, I must admit that the expedition's moments of discovery were very moving and profound. And after that, it really picked up emotionally! Got awfully scary, too.
If the CO2 snows out, that would starve the plants. It would also make Equus colder, but on the sunlit side, with eternal sun, it could still be warm. Equus has only 1 huge Hadley Cell.
Evidently, when The Mare in the Moon, NightMareMoon returned, she won.
Daring Do threw me off at first about the timeline, but maaaan.
Edit: Not sure what the deal is about the dry ice, though, since I don't think you can actually breathe the air anymore if N2 is condensing. Maybe there's some magitech they've got in their gear for that, though?
4932564 Glad you liked it
Note: Dry ice (CO2) freezes at -78 C, Nitrogen turns liquid at -196 C, and Oxygen liquefies at -182 C
4933506 Ohh, there we go. That makes far more sense, thanks.
I liked the story.
I just realized that this story misses CharacterTags:
Babs Seed
The Mare In The Moon, NightMareMoon
OC
Wonderful! Reads like a Clive Cussler novel in places. Added to Triumphant Villains, etc.
I wanted to like this, but the many meandering sentences actively damage comprehension and immersion. I know 3357993 and 4017406 already mentioned this, but unlike them it ruined the story for me. I got ~1500 words in before I couldn't continue.
The first paragraph, even the first sentence, puts this problem on full display. Something like;
Changes subjects too often. It mentions no less than four different subjects and switches between them without warning ("One of the family's hired ponies", "the pages", "the adventures", "his imagination").
There's a lot of information in this story, but it is presented badly. There is atmosphere here, but it is hampered by the sentence construction and way information is delivered. I know this was written a long time ago, but I also skimmed your most recent story and noticed some of the same problem;
It can be tempting to cram a lot of information in a short space to get it out of the way, but that also makes it harder to parse and understand. In the future, whenever you have a long sentence, take a look at each of its parts. Do they all discuss the same thing? Are there shifts that need commas? Would those commas work better as periods? As an example of what I mean, here's one way you could adjust the sentence from earlier;
This is just an example, of course, but hopefully it illustrates my point. Each individual idea has more room to breathe and be digested. It makes the sentiments a little longer, but it also makes them easier to follow.
There are some good ideas in this story, and there's a lot of nice detail and atmosphere. The awkward sentence structure just ruined it for me.
But...they don't. Does Fimfiction even allow redirects?
8029756 Sorry, I mean they reference and link to this story in narrative.
I just had a dream about this story
This actually reminds me of Poe’s The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket if only in bits. Not sure though if I like the way the different parts of the story work together. Like, first you have hard sci-fi vibes of a strange world 1,000 years into the future and a perilous journey to unearth secrets past and mysterious lands no hoof stepped upon for generations, and suddenly the story’s a Carpenter’s Thing and while keeping the previously established setting completely foregoes scientific adventure for semi-fantastic horror. Nevertheless, the story has left me rather satisfied with what it does the right way.
This was an exceptional bit of horror.