• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Phoenix999


T

A jaded stallion catches the attention of two mares when he moves to Ponyville. Brought together by their shared connection in drinking alcohol, it is both the glue that binds them and the knife that separates them.

Editor: Daetrin
Proofreader: PegasusMesa

Art Commissioned from: ImJustAnotherBrony

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 38 )

:twilightblush: I might do a video of me reading this JK I saw the "sex" tag I'll probably get banned from youtube for reading this

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Nah, it's a "Teen" rated sex tag. I won't be getting into minute detail, it'll fade out before it gets to the hot and heavy stuff :raritywink:

What does Jaded mean?

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Dictionary: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/jaded?s=t

Definition: jaded  
adjective
1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence: a jaded appetite.
2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.
3. dissipated: a jaded reprobate.

Jaded in romance terminology refers to those who might have a broken heart or have closed it for whatever reason.

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Jaded usually refers to being desensitized. Something doesn't bother you anymore when normally it would

You've got my attention. This is quite interesting, despite it's short length. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this.

Lol,:rainbowlaugh: things are going too go crazy soon I think.:pinkiehappy:

3056692 Thank you :pinkiehappy:

3146296 Perhaps, perhaps not. Who's to know? :derpytongue2:

Excellent keep the chapters going....I like where this is headed.

Hey there! FloydienSlip here from WRITE to give (a little late, my apologies) my review for Gears of Romance.

Initial impressions were… okay. I mean, there’s not a whole lot wrong with the story itself: it’s just that there isn’t a whole lot to the story, either.

We’re off to never never land:

Let’s start with your description of the story. The description is one of the most crucial aspects of any story, especially with fanfiction. You want to sell your story to the users on here, make them want to read it. For the most part, your synopsis is fine. I don’t think “jaded” accurately describes Widget, however; he is neither desensitized nor overworked. Try reworking that sentence to better reflect your story.

Unfortunately, this story is not the type that will be read by many. Too many fics involve an OC coming to Ponyville and somehow getting romantically involved with one of its residents (props for neither of your mares being the Bearers, though). I do think, though, that this story does have potential to become decent.

Delving into the first chapter, we see our protagonist on a train… and already there’s a mistake. That's a red flag for most readers, so make sure to proofread your work. Your second sentence is a fragment.

The bright colors of the buildings becoming more distinguishable as the outlines gave way to the details of each building, his golden yellow eyes captivated by the sight of the approaching town through the window.

Now, I’m not entirely sure what this is supposed to say, but I’m guessing that “becoming” should be “became.” That being said, the clause after the comma seems… like a run-on, almost. It just feels awkward, and you can’t be having that in a story. You need to reword this.

Another thing that I think is worth noting is that you use two spaces between sentences. This, in itself, is perfectly acceptable. There are some instances, however, where there are three spaces, which throws off the formatting of the paragraphs. I’m sure that those were accidents, but just remember to remain consistent throughout the entirety of your story.

On that tangent, you do have some grammatical issues, namely the usage of commas. Take this sentence, for example:

He made his way through the market purchasing a bag of apples from an orange mare with a cowboy hat, he couldn’t help but smile at the stark contrast from what he was used to in Canterlot where large market centers with packaged food was sold.

Try reading this sentence out loud, pausing only where you see a comma. Sounds bizarre, doesn’t it? You want a comma after “market” and a period instead of a comma after “hat,” because the way the sentence is set up, it’s a run-on. In the second “sentence,” a comma is needed after “Canterlot.”

That is the single biggest issue in this story: commas. I suggest getting an editor. Not a proofreader or a pre-reader, but a true combination of the two. Having a second opinion can really do wonders for a story.

One other small grammatical convention was ignored completely, but is important. Read this sentence:

He gave her a sheepish smile, “I had no idea a sandwich could taste this good without going to a five star restaurant.

Only use a comma if the action immediately preceding the dialogue is related to talking. Otherwise, use a period.

Take your instinct by the reins:

For the most part, the story is interesting and engages the reader. Your characterizations are decent, and though I find the trio to be a little bit unbelievable, it’s a minor issue that will be resolved as you evolve as a writer.

One of my favorite aspects of this story is that even though on the surface it appears to be a generic self-insert romance, it doesn’t feel like one, not really. The story is… fun, for lack of a better word. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, as shown by practically the entire fourth chapter.

That being said, your pacing is also decent. Nothing feels overly rushed, though some parts do seem to drag on a little. I like the fact that you’re taking the time to build up relationships between Bon Bon, Berry Punch, and Widget instead of skipping ahead to kissy-kissy pones. Far too many writers become impatient with their story and ignore the important parts of a good tale in order to get to the core of the story.

Overall, this story is alright. While the idea is certainly not original and you have a plethora of grammatical errors, you clearly know what makes a good story. You have the beginnings of a decent yarn to spin, but don’t expect to become popular because of it. For the record, my favorite chapter was the fourth, and my least favorite was the first. Your writing does seem to improve as the story goes on, so props for that.

That being said, I can't really pass full judgment on this story yet because nothing significant has happened thus far. The central conflict and true romance have yet to come, which make these chapters expository. Continue to write, and you will improve. :twilightsmile:

fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png

- FloydienSlip, WRITE’s music-obsessed analyst

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Thank you for taking the time to review the story! I'll go back and look for those errors that you pointed out specifically. I appreciate the constructive criticism that you gave me concerning the technical issues and grammar, and will implement them going forward.

As far as the story idea itself goes (romance triangle), I understand that it's a bit unbelievable. Not something that would normally happen in real life. And thank you for the vote of confidence in the ability to improve! That was my favorite part of your review, the acknowledgement of the potential that the story might not just end up as the terrible stories you normally see on FIMFiction. :twilightsheepish:

I'm hoping to do the best I can with this story and use what I learn for the next one. This story was never meant to be a 'popular' story, and I do realize that this is a very small niche' in MLP fanfiction to write about.

Again, thank you for taking the time to review the story and leave such detailed criticism. :pinkiehappy:

PS - Good taste in music :pinkiehappy:

Well, wonder how Bon Bon would react too his little backstory.:rainbowderp:

Well now, that was funny :rainbowlaugh:

This story is going to end up with someone hurting the other

And now my little ponys what will happen next on Gears! Of! Romance! :moustache:

Que dramatic music :raritywink:

Isent twinkle shine twilights sister? Gah my head hurts!

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Actually, Twinkleshine is just a background pony. Hence, why I'm able to use her in any way I please. She made her first appearance in the show in episode one when her and a few other mares invited Twilight Sparkle to a party. Twilight declined, saying that she had studying to do.

So no, Twilight Sparkle (or any of the mane six for that matter), will not be in this story. At least not in any significant way. If anything, they will become the background ponies in this story.

I've been waiting for this. Glad you are still continuing.

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Don't worry, I haven't given up on you guys! :pinkiehappy:

:yay: this story has still got it

Very interesting....worth tracking!

....who will he pick......
*insert multiple harem jokes here * =P

The game is set fufufufufu... oh, this will be fun to watch! Me wants conflict! Not internal if ya catch my drift

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Somepony wants to see a cat-fight :rainbowwild:

3557847 No, i want my great, greeeeat friend Fan to meet Baron Von Shit. Yes :pinkiecrazy:

This is good. It pleases me. I demand more.

by the end somepony is going to get lucky, while the other is going to get hurt.

Gah! And here I was, rooting for Bon Bon a little more than Berry... Now it has been changed dramatically! Berry for the win! You so wrong for that Bon Bon! :applejackunsure:

Well shit, lets see where this goes now.

I knew there was something off with Bon Bon. That user

I didn't really expect to like this story, which is why it sat in my "Read Later" pile for so long. I'm glad I finally got around to reading it; I like what I've read so far. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter. :raritywink:

3872180 Glad to hear you were pleasantly surprised! :twilightsmile:

3246162 Excellent use of her in this fanfic.

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