Feels Like the First Time
Twilight Watches a Porno
Twilight Sparkle eyed the flashing display with a look of both curiosity and mild confusion. She fidgeted in the leather office chair awkwardly as she tried—as was usual—to get comfortable in the strange human sitting position. The notepad Jo had given her lay on her lap, and in it was written several extensive checklists. The last of which was research topics for her to hopefully check off for the night.
“Well...” Twilight read the words: Human Mating Rituals in big, bold letters at the top of her yellow composition notebook. “She did say to stay away from this sort of thing on internet.” Her friend had warned her away from looking for things on the internet, and recommended she stick to the books alone. The problem for Twilight, was that so much information at her hooves—or finger tips, rather—proved to be too enticing.
Twilight glanced back at the laptop, a look of concentration stamped on her accidentally acquired human face. “But... I am a mature adult, aren’t I? I think I can handle a few diagrams and charts on human intercourse. It can’t be as bad as she said.”
Grabbing the mouse, Twilight nodded in confirmation to herself. It’s not like I’m a foal anymore.
Just as she had seen her human friend do, she carefully clicked the icon that looked like a red, green, and yellow wheel with a blue circle in the middle. The screen erupted into a blanket white sheet until it shifted to a wide range of windows; each speaking of a new important news event, or advertising a new “must have” product going on sale.
Twilight briskly looked past the varying array of tempting article, and clicked the white bar in the far left corner labeled: Search.
Using her two index fingers, Twilight slowly, but accurately, pecked at each key until the words humans mating hung in the small white tab. Satisfied with her results, the pony turned human struck the enter key and watched as the computer whisked her away into the internet she heard so much about.
I wonder why Jo doesn’t want me to do this. It’s not like there’s anything dangerous on here...
Just as Twilight was finishing the thought, her browser reached its destination, and a long list of links appeared before her. Hmmm... Using the mouse as she had been taught, she scrolled down the list, reading each result with curious eyes.
One of Twilight’s eyebrows raised in thought. What does “porn” mean? And what does it have to do with three X’s? She shrugged it off, deciding that she would figure that out soon enough. Carefully, she hovered the cursor over one of the more promising links and gave it a gentle click. Placing her pen in her mouth, she brought up her small yellow notebook to get good notes on her findings.
The page loaded and a single large black box stood at attention in the very center of the screen. A gray wheel spun around its center, signifying that the internet was, indeed, working at delivering the information. The spinning stopped and the black was replaced with the moving image of a girl resting on a green leather couch.
I think Jo lied to me about humans wearing clothes all the time. That girl is barely wearing any! Twilight shook her head, focusing back on her subject. The girl in question sat lazily on the couch, until a high pitched chime interrupted her thinking posture.
“Oh,” the girl in the video said, looking towards the door. “I wonder who that could be at this hour?”
Twilight looked down at her paper and scribbled a few notes.
It would appear the female human displays a lack of knowledge as to who she is about to mate with. Twilight double checked that she was still at the right place, then continued to take notes. Ask Jo if it is common for women to wait for the male to engage intercourse, and if they do, is it usually with a male familiar to the lady in question. Twilight looked back up at the screen just as the girl made it to the only door of the room she was in. Quickly, the girl unlatched the lock and swung open the door.
Standing before the girl was a short man with an incredibly thick moustache and dark pair of sunglasses. His shirt was white with red stripes along the sleeves and neckline. Tommy’s Pizza was printed in bold red on the front. One of his arms rested against the wall, and in his other rested a large white box.
He glanced up at the girl. “Pizza delivery...” The man made no movement to give it to her as she made—what Twilight thought was—the most dramatically surprised face she had ever seen.
“Oh my god! A whole pizza, just for me,” the half clothed girl twiddled her long curly hair with a finger as she spoke. “Why, I don’t think I could handle all of that on my own. I might need a little...help.”
“Well, miss,” he said as he tipped his sunglasses down. “I think I can help you with that...”
Twilight watched in awe as the man threw down his box, food spilling out of the container carelessly onto the floor. He proceeded to whisk her away to the leather couch the human girl had sat at a few moments before. They kissed very passionately as he did so.
What... what just happened? Twilight stared in disbelief at the otherworldly display of love, scribbling notes without looking away. They hardly said five words to each other. She watched the couple and shook her head. Maybe I missed something. Maybe there was some sort of physical cue that I didn’t pick up on... or actually, maybe the female let out a pheromone!
Twilight jotted down a few more notes before returning to the mating couple on the screen. She had missed more of the kissing, but now the male seemed to be doing something different from before. He knelt down and slowly removed the female’s pants, grinning at her as he did.
“I’m going to eat, ma’am, but it’s not the pizza I’m going down on.” With a cackle, he flung his face headfirst into the crotch of the lady. She screamed in pleasure as he did so.
Twilight stopped writing, the pen in her mouth clattered onto the table. Well this is... different. The girl screamed louder and louder as she bucked her hips into the man’s face, writhing on the couch. Wow, I mean... wow. Who’d have thought that simple... oral stimuli could have that effect on a human girl, especially since it happened immediately upon contact. Coughing to compose herself again, Twilight reacquired her writing utensil and began to jot down more notes.
Male engages the female with the use of his mouth and tongue to initiate intercourse. The female seems to be experiencing high levels of euphoria from this act. Twilight broke her gaze and looked back at the screen.
The girl had ceased her screaming, but now she was turning around to face away from the man.
Twilight immediately recognized this from among the patterns of pony copulation and went back to her notes. It seems as though the test subjects are now engaging in intercourse very familiar to equine variety. That at least was a bit of a relief, even if it was still far more intimate than what she was used to from studying creatures in Equestria. None of this matched the simple diagrams or encyclopedias she had expected to find from looking into the subject.
Twilight watched the man as he grabbed the female by her hips and began to hump from behind. She mildly blushed as she realized the familiarity with how ponies would mate. Well, if this is all this is going to showcase, perhaps I could move on to another source-
“Yeah, I’m gonna screw you so hard, slut!” The man yelled as he thrust into his mate.
Twilight’s eyes widened. Umm... that’s not what a stallion should say when making love-
“Oh yeah! Harder, yeah, oh! Give it to me!”
And that’s not what a mare usually says either. The pony turned human suddenly became very aware of her own face, now beat red with blush. She reached up to exit out of the window, but she stopped with her mouse on the red X, hesitating.
Twilight stared at the humans, humping as if their lives depended on it. “Can’t... look... away...” She became mesmerized by their movements as a deep feeling wrenched in her gut. It felt strange; a heat rushing through her body. The likes of which she had never felt before.
“Ooooh yeah, right there! Oh yes!” The girl was absolutely hysterical in what Twilight could only imagine was simple, carnal pleasure. Is it...is it really that good? This moving video is both deeply disturbing, but also...eye catching. Twilight simply sat there with her mouth hung open and her eyes as wide as they could go.
Subjects... are obviously enjoying themselves, hehe. Umm, they continue to copulate vigorously as uhh... umm... Twilight’s brain was having a hard time staying on track.
“Who’s your daddy? Huh, tell me who your daddy is!” The human man continued to mate earnestly while shouting that over her screams.
The girl, in between thrusts, half answered his question in grunts. “You’re... my... daddy!”
Twilight’s face paled. She instantly put the pen back in her mouth and rapidly began taking notes. Subjects appear to know each other. In fact, it seems that it is acceptable for humans to engage in an incestuous relationship. Note to self: Ask Jo is she has ever copulated with her own father.
“Oh my god! Don’t stop, I’m so close!” The girl flailed her body around while heaving underneath the massive male behind her. The male’s thrusts became more erratic and at a faster pace. He looked up toward the ceiling and grunted in what almost sounded like pain.
Out of the blue, he shouted, “KOWABUNGA!”
The girl screamed. “Give it to me! Give it all to me!” They both groaned and the screen faded to black, a cinematic song playing in the background bringing Twilight back to reality. She thought for a moment at what she had just witnessed. It wasn’t like she was terrified, but something about the whole thing did seem a little bit unnerving, and not just the aspects concerning the two human’s privacy. I’m not sure if I feel so good about what I just watched, at all. I feel... dirty. Her arms rubbed one another mechanically while she stared blankly at the browser window.
Suddenly, Twilight’s attention was snatched away by the familiar chime of the house’s doorbell. She got up from her chair, closing the window, while pushing away the feeling of guilt from her mind.
The doorbell rang again while Twilight stepped barefoot through the dark hallway towards the front of the house. “Jo! Are you gonna get the door?” She shouted up the stairs to her human friend’s room.
Twilight sighed, glanced at the front door, then dashed as quickly as her clumsy legs could up the stairs. She peeked through the crack of Jo’s bedroom door to see a very concentrated human girl, mashing wildly at her keyboard as she stared at the screen. On her head were large earphones, obviously soundproof to everything but the game she was playing. The games were a curiosity to Twilight, one she noted to investigate eventually.
For now though, the doorbell was ringing with increasing frequency.
“Um, I guess I can get the door then...” Twilight ducked away and woozily made her way down the stairs. She couldn’t tell if the nauseous feeling was due to the fact that she was still so new to two legs, or if it was because she was still experiencing the shock of whatever it was she just watched. She shuddered just thinking about it.
Finally, Twilight stopped in front of the tall wooden door, grabbing the handle with her left hand. She quickly twisted the knob and opened the door to the outside world. What she saw stiffened her more solidly than Discord trapped in stone.
Before her stood a young man, perhaps a little bit older than she was. He had a thick black moustache and a wide-framed pair of sunglasses. In his hand, he held a familiar white box.
“Pizza delivery...” Twilight watched him as he used his unoccupied hand to lower his sunglasses and show her his real eyes.
And that’s when Twilight panicked. She shrieked and slammed the door as fast as she could, bolted the lock, and sprinted up the stairs. Her legs slipped twice, giving her bruises on her arms and side, but she ran on and burst into Jo’s room.
Jo heard the bang of her door and whirled around in her chair, caught entirely by surprise. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
Twilight breathed heavy gasps and crossed her arms, trying to get a hold of herself as she hyperventilated.
Jo looked around the room, thinking she was missing something.
Twilight looked back at her, eyes wide and still gasping for air. “Pizza...mating...guy...”
Jo looked at her with an eyebrow raised. “Uuuh, okay, well, and?” She asked, not sure she had understood her friend correctly.
Twilight’s eyes widened at hearing her friend speak of the situation so lightly. She really meant the other day that humans do this for fun? Just like that!?
“Twilight, you there? Did he give it to you?” Jo raised a curious eyebrow.
Twilight’s eyes somehow widened a fraction more, her mind returning to the insidious act she had watched not but two minutes ago. Give it to me?! “Jo!?” She blanched in disbelief at what her friend was asking her. “How could you even say that!? I can’t believe that you’d...” Without waiting for an answer, she barreled out of the room, her face a deeper shade of red than Big MacIntosh.
Jo blinked in complete confusion, face contorted into a look of bewilderment. “What just... Ugh, never mind.” She got up and walked downstairs to the front door, content with not knowing exactly what her crazy friend was actually going on about. “Ponies,” she muttered while shaking her head.
Meanwhile, Twilight quickly ran back into the computer room and slammed the door shut, locking it as she did so. I can’t believe that humans are like that! I mean, Jo was so nonchalant about it. She shivered at the thought of engaging in the human’s traditional “Pizza Delivery” intercourse, and with a stranger she had never even talked to. I don’t think I’ll ever understand the human obsession for baked dough and tomato sauce, either. That’s just plain weird.
Twilight let out a sigh. Oh well, I managed to take good notes. It’s very interesting to see such...rich findings on another race’s mating rituals. She glanced back at the computer which was still on and begging to be used.
Today’s been interesting, to say the least. Twilight walked over to the office chair and sat back down to stare at the blank screen. Her safety ensured and calmness returning to the air, she mulled over what exactly to do next. The browser seemed to almost beckon her. Somehow, the strange feeling that had kept her eyes glued to the human mating video, returned.
Twilight gulped and shook her head in refusal of the urge. M-maybe seeing some pictures of the girls will cheer me up. A few days ago Jo had shown her some of the ‘TV’ show that humans had of Equestria. She remembered the cheerful pictures of her friends that had also been online. They had made her feel a lot better, as had the children’s entertainment.
It had seemed uncanny before, but Equestria did seem very ‘kid friendly’ to Twilight, as Jo had put it. At least compared to some of the things she found.
Just as she had done before, Twilight carefully levitated the cursor over the search bar and typed the words: My Little Pony. Putting out the strangely commanding thoughts of the mating video, she pressed enter and the page loaded hundreds of images. All of them were of her friends playing or talking and more. She smiled warmly.
I miss you so much girls... Oh look, there’s a picture of Fluttershy hiding behind her couch. Haha, she’s so shy. Twilight scrolled down. Oh, and there’s a picture of Rainbow Dash doing a sonic rainboom! That’s a good close-up too, I’m amazed at how well humans can draw. She scrolled down even further. Hey, and there’s a picture of Applejack and her brother. Wow, that’s a weird face...wait... She narrowed her eyes at the image underneath her cursor. They twitched after figuring out what her two friends were doing in the picture, then leapt to the side, where another picture sat. This one was of herself and Princess Celestia doing...
Twilight stood up in a flash of motion, knocking over the office’s chair. “JOOOOOO!!!!”
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Nothing like pizza with extra sausage.
Poor Twilight.
The Intarnets have broken her.
I have feeling that there should be a follow on to this... Hear me out please....
After this freakout have Jo show a quick education vid and then try to explain the basic internet rules to Twilight.... You know the ones...
Straight from Starship Troopers to this?
Twilight's having a rough second week.
2917976
Next up, Twilight takes a foray into discovering human alcohol! xD
head-fi.org/content/type/61/id/765348/width/350/height/700/flags/LL
Poor Twilight.
You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat and ruined the innocence of millions of 13 year old boys.
She looked at the internet and the internet looked back.
And then the Anonymous hackers group start doing their job, assuring that the Internet is always exactly how they want it.
2917957
We seem to have a tendency to do this to the girls in our fics. We're so sorry!
(Only a bit though,
)
Aw, the first downvote. Darned prudes.
Can't handle all the mustache in this story.
And this is somehow still rated "teen." Why didn't you just make it a little more kinky so that we could actually have some clop?
Well she certainly didn't end up in the UK if that's what she's watching then -___-
2918236 You mean to tell me that the United Kingdom doesn't have raunchy, 70's-pizza-guy porn?! What kind of backwards place is that?!
2918246 The kind of place where the only decisions Parliament makes are shit, that's where :D
this is why we should never give twilight guns and let her internet in the human world in the same timeline
2918174
Goodness random citizen, this website is veritably swimming in pornographic literature! Can't we have a decent, wholesome comedy for once?
2918344 I like the way you think
If there was a sequel, it should be called "Twilight Makes A Porno". Guess the reference.
2918352 Yes. A comic porno.
2918547 it's hilarious that you said that just now. Merlos and I were just taking about doing a sequel and I offered that as a choice.
Oh THAT was too good.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2918591 Thanks!
This is going to be glorious.
EDIT: It was glorious.
EDIT 2:Now I am going to read your other stories. There has to be more. Jo will be awesome.
This was great, I was smiling and laughing the whole way. Especially the end
Awesome story!
2918684 Thank you very much! I aim to please!
For every life the internet fixes, it destroys ten others. No exceptions.
2918650
A Twilight Landing
Here's the mane story brother.
Dat Ending.
That story turned into a clustered laugh for me
That's one of the cheesiest porno lines out there, lol.
KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!
This was my face timelaps:
BEST ONESHOT EVER!!
2918946 I guarantee that that line has been in at least 300 different adult films in the 70's alone.
2918953 Thanks! That made my day!
Yes, Twilight, give in. Watch another one.
Join the rest of us on the Horny Side. It is your destiny. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Take your mouse, click that link, and your journey will be complete.
dear sweet luna i fell off my fucking chair you hilarious bastard.
just.....i.....holy hell. so god damned funny
and then she found equestria after dark. lol.
2919333>>2917957>>2918947
Please show your support and fave it guys, faves get him featured.
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTv0-Upc212SMhkEz2hg19jPKGc08UGQTyYX6xVG3Kfia2TjCOt
2919341 done and done dear author
2919388 Thank you kindly, stranger. I will pay your compliment forward.
Of all the spin offs
lol
2919394 hell i think ill follow as well, ya got some good looking stuff up here and talent far better then the crap ill have going up soon. so write on boyo,i look forward to the reads.
2919532 Wewt! Thank you!
2919656
2919667 good story ?
i like how twilight was in the end all freaked out .she should have listened to jo
2919676 Thanks!
“Pizza...mating...guy...”
okay. a few things on this one.
first: that is hilarious.
two: how does one obtain this job?
three: "Its not delivery, its -insert pun here-"
okay bronies do your thing.