Marlow
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Normaly I don't read fallout equestria stories because I don't play fallout.
This story was okay, but gaming aspects in literature is never really a good idea.
" I assure you sir that I'm as strong as an ant, if an ant was this big..."
2899662
I wouldn't qualify anything I've ever written as literature. The merits and scope of this work, literary and otherwise, begin slightly above those inherent of a clichéd romance novel found on a supermarket shelf and end slightly below those of a dime store detective story. If you aren't a fan then it's merely an indication that you have discerning tastes.
I'm not sure if your objection is to the crossover in general or to the random game gobbledygook I added at the bottom. I wasn't a fan (originally) of seeing such information at the end of chapters in the FOE stories I've read (now I'm more ambivalent toward it) but apparently it's expected for these kinds of stories and I have no idea where else I would post it (because if a lot of people read this... doubtful, I know... some will want to see that kind of thing) unless I were to link this to deviantART, Google Docs or some such nonsense. Mostly it's poking (good natured fun) at how seriously a lot of other FOE stories take themselves.
And you really should give Fallout a try. The first two are classics. Three... has issues that all Bethesda games have... and a few more. If you were to get it, I'd suggest buying the game of the year edition, it offers a much more complete experience than the standard game did. New Vegas is a lot of fun but the bugs/crashes/problems seemed to have increased (sadly) versus those in FO3.
2899831
It is what it is. I don't think anyone would make the argument that FOE or its related side stories are Hemingway, McCarthy, Faulkner, Dostoyevsky, Conrad or Morrison. Though I suppose if a person was to try and elevate the FOE concept to the presence of greater literary company it would be necessary to eliminate the more game like aspect of it. Or, I guess, it could be personal preference (or a whole host of other reasons) that leads you to disagree with the inclusion of the game information. To each their own.
And yes, Guardian Angel really should give Fallout a chance. I'm going to disagree with you to a small extent on FO3 though. With all of its DLC included it is quite a good game (you don't have to play Broken Steel, but the level cap increase and additional ambient/radiant encounters in the wasteland that it adds are well worth it). Though, to be honest it took me several tries to get through the game because I couldn't accumulate interest in the main story line and I got bored whenever I hit the level cap (maxing at level 20 in an open world RPG is downright absurd in my opinion) or reached the point where I had so much in the way of ammunition, weapons, armor and supplies that there was no longer any reason for me to loot and scavenge for anything.
On Tactics... nope... can't argue with you on that one.
I 2900923
I just stopped by a friends house the other day and played an hour of Fallout new Vegas on his profile.
A bunch of kids were walking around with knives and other concealed weapons. What the crap....but the game was nice, but I'm not much of an RPG gamer. I'm more if an adventure, and puzzle gamer. I do play COD on occasion but if I play it to long it gets horrendously boring like amnesia.
Also, even if its low quality, you shouldn't belittle your own writing creations. I felt that your story so far was pretty intresting, just not the genre I would normally read.
If you would like, you can check out my stories, they only have a combined number of twenty views last time I checked.
2904554
Apologies for the delay. Family obligations. Um... were the kids with concealed weapons in the game or real life? Both possibilities worry me... one a lot more than the other.
I do like adventure games and the occasional puzzle. Mostly, though I like RPGs and the occasional driving game or shooter, though I'm a sucker for most things open world. I have a few of the Call of Duty games but they bore me after a while as well. I'm not a fan of the yearly release only slightly different from the previous release $60 price tag game. It's why I haven't bought Madden since 2003. I'm on a Red Dead Redemption play through right now.
"even if it's low quality, you shouldn't belittle your own creations" there's a compliment for Damocles if I ever saw one.
I'm glad you thought it was interesting. I've just put Chapter 2 up. If it's not what you would normally read, what lead you to click on it? I'm curious. I don't actually know where these things go after I post them or who sees them.
I read the shorter work that you put up. I liked it. It's more cerebral than most fiction that I read. I'm a very tangibility oriented person when it comes to most things. It reminded me a bit of the old video game Psychonauts (entering peoples' minds and finding eccentricities and weirdness within) and Thomas Harris's novel Hannibal (where he mentions Lecter has divided, ordered and structured his mind into a house of sorts and lives in it, putting memories in filing cabinets etcetera).
Enjoying the story so far keep it up.
2974118
Thank you. Chapter 4 is written and going through editing.
3094844
Thank you. It's a lot of fun to write, I hope people have almost as much fun reading it, and, as long as they do, I'll keep going.
If anyone is reading this, Chapter 5 is progressing, I'm just about to move though, which is why things are taking longer than usual. I'll try and have 5 done by Sunday and will hopefully finish Volume I by the end of the first week of October.
Chapter 5 is finally complete and is with my editor. It's a long one too. Chapter 6 is being written.
Well so far, so good and I hope she finds a way to get that collar off her neck.
3307974
And yes, I have plans (silly plans as befits the character) for her getting rid of the collar, it'll just be a few chapters before it happens.
Thank you.
3356430
Thank you. What is blah blah blah and bla bla? Is that like Bob Loblaw?
I forgot just how much I liked this story. The Mare With No Name is so damn funny, I really want to know who she was. Some kind of cop among the Enclave?
3446368
Thank you for the appreciation and letting me know you enjoy the story, with the ratio of dislikes to likes on it I sometimes worry. Chapter 6 is in progress, just going slowly because of how busy I currently am. As for the question of who she is... well, who she is isn't necessarily who she was, but we'll find out eventually, and, depending on how much store/stock you put in dreams, there is a big hint in the next chapter.
So she has foals and no one even told her? I don't understand why they wouldn't tell her about that, good chapter again
3483381
Thank you.
To answer with a far too long response, more questions will be answered on it in Chapter 7, which will go into some depth on the subject, nice long heart to heart between MWNN and Doc Mistletoe. But, in part, they figured she would flip out and go charging into the wastes to find them... which is exactly what she tried to do at the end of this chapter. And only four ponies were aware of it, not the whole town as she drunkenly believed. Now, if you go back and read one of the earlier chapters you'll get hit by when she talks about how absurd she thinks it would be for her to be a mother. One of those 'sad in retrospect' issues. Motherhood will form a large part of the story arc through all 12 volumes.
3586401
She has blackouts from the heavy drinking, but she'll remember more of that night as time goes by. I'm going to include the actual sex as the story continues but I want to ease readers into it, especially since it's not something that I've written very much of before. That and I really wanted to frustrate the main character because the mare's really wanted to get laid and now that she has, she can't remember any of it.
She and I share certain thought patterns but I'm trying to make sure that she isn't me.
I'm definitely going to keep things as sane/realistic as possible (6 chapters in and she's only level 2, I believe, and almost two weeks have gone by in story since the opening), because one of my biggest issues with FOE stories is the concept of the one month bad ass, where the protagonist goes from nobody to nightmare in a very short period of time. Also, I don't want her to take on an army singlehandedly and win, it would just be silly. She might take on three raiders and survive... barely, and the world of this story will not have endless mills of cannon fodder enemies for her to run through, every fight is a boss fight in that aspect.
I'm swamped with stuff right now, blizzard, research papers, final exams, rescued a kitten, but as soon as classes end for the term I'm going to try and finish out this volume (Chapters 7 & 8) and put out the first chapter to the next volume. Twelve volumes and 155 chapters planned as of right now, and the ending is firmly in place (I hate it when a story doesn't know where it's going or how it will end), and has been since the initial story conception.
I love reader input, so never be afraid to offer suggestions and ideas. Happy holidays.
Why didn't I have this already favorited? I must correct this immediately! There done. How could this have happened?
3708794
I think it was due to the admins rearranging the FOE stories.
This is...fascinating. Though I don't have time to finish it all tonight, I've bookmarked it for later. You do very well at keeping a consistent character persona going, and one that I can't help but chuckle at.
3774047
Thank you.
I'm trying to keep her as consistent (...and consistent in her inconsistencies) as possible. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story so far.
{transmission begins} I like your story. That is usually not how I start a review but I have to get this out of me. I can't remember if I commented on this fic (do excuse this I've got problems with my hippocampus) or not, but your fic has something others do not. Mainly, the protagonist, rather violently finds that she is a mother. This got me interested (as well as a lack of any real grammatical mistakes) and has promise for further developments. I shall stick with the above story and see how it progresses. As for OCs to be included here, I have an idea. It isn't really an OC as much as a concept for one. A pegasus-zebra hybrid, two of the things a waster hates the most, all compressed into one package for easier hating. I have NOT seen a single fic, be it Fo:E or not, that included one. Just throwing it out there, a striped pegasus, if there can be striped unicorns and earthies why not pegasi?
Awaiting the next chapter-
-janekfan
{transmission ends abruptly}
3775506 {transmission begins} P.S. I seem to have forgotten to add that I might be interested in the editorial work you mentioned. If your offer still stands, would you be so kind as to message me in one way or another to set a schedule of sorts? I am a busy, busy man (medical school seems to take up most of my life).
Handing You my offer and subsequently signing off-
-janekfan
{transmission ends abruptly}
3775911
Problems in the limbic system, eh? That's not good. I have some memory issues from TBI but I find that forcing myself to repeat something over and over in my head is a good way make sure it makes the transition to long term memory.
Yeah, with the motherhood issue I wanted a bit of a sucker punch and added character depth/motivation to go along with her drunken insanity. Also, my editor and I do so very much try to eliminate all those pesky grammar errors, I'm very pleased that someone took notice. They drive me insane when I see them (especially in published works).
A Zegasi or Pegazebra? Brilliant! It shall be so.
I hope to have the next chapter out within two weeks.
Indeed I am still looking for an editor once mine moves on to bigger, better and more important things near the end of February. I would love your input on Volume II (as of right now it will be chapters 9-20). I'll come up with a frame/schedule for it and let you know. I generally transition the chapters (in parts) from MS Word to Google Docs for sharing and editing, and I would love feedback on certain concepts and ideas that I'm looking to include.
Lastly, if med school is driving you crazy, just remember this bit of dialogue from Futurama's 'Beast with a Billion Backs'
Bender: "Are all the tests gonna involve drinking?"
Calculon: "It never occurred to me before, but yes."
Bender: "Woohoo! Just like med school."
Hope your editor going to basic won't throw you off too much. Mine is deployed to Antarctica atm, and the time difference is making it hard to communicate. This chapter certainly made my day a little more interesting, thanks for the read, and hope the writing keeps going well.
3777443
Hopefully not, but he is rather helpful in catching all the errors that I make when writing... and that I miss when reading. Is your editor at McMurdo? I'm glad you liked it. I hope to have the next chapter up in less than two weeks.
This is fascinating. I've read a vast volume of fanfiction in my time, and I'd puzzled as to how you got so many downvotes, and so few views. Consider me eagerly watching your work for the next chapters (and avoiding borrowing it for my own FoE spinoff). Good luck, keep going, and take care.
-Sage
3782882
There's this phenomenon revolving around a special talent I have, that being people immediately and intensely disliking the things that I do without knowing me or paying any real attention to what it is that I'm doing.
I defy ratios and probability.
I almost instantly got five dislikes when I posted the first chapter... before I even had five views. Then there was an even ratio of views to dislikes (about seven) but I also had four likes... which meant I had more likes and dislikes than views... again. Nobody has actually made any comments as to there being anything wrong with the story (only with conventions of FOE stories in general). There are comparatively few grammatical errors in the text, everyone that reads it seems to like the story, enjoy the main character and think that it is funny. But... it's also an intentionally confusing story without a lot of action going on and a lot of people seem to hate FOE in general, so who knows? I could just suck at writing.
Stay safe and have a great week.
3787254 Screw those people
3794524
I do think it's funny. Especially when I've had some of the best trolls and insult artists in the world, the Drill Instructors of the United States Marine Corps, chew me out. IEDs, deploying troops, combat training, machine guns, sandstorms, running admin for 60,000 Marines and Sailors. It's just like after all that... 'that's the best you can do? Fail.' These dislikes and whatnot just make me raise a bemused eyebrow. But, they are entitled to their opinions, should they legitimately dislike the story for real reasons, that's their right... which I may have just... you know... fought and bled and saw my friends die to uphold.
Well first of all, best luck to that editor of yours. (Resisting urge to make soap joke)
This was fun, and it seems you have a very great deal of things lined up to make a story. I'll be waiting, keep it up and good work!
-Sage
Good fic so when does Volume 2 come out?
4037217
Thank you. Volume II will make an appearance as soon as I'm done with finals... in about two weeks or so. I just have to go over the current chapter summaries (and build them up a little more) with my new editor to make sure everything is good to go. Longer volume, more characters, more locations, more insanity. Should be fun.
3998117
Thank you.
4322066
Just finished the next chapter and sent it to my editor, so hopefully it will be up soon. Lots of background stuff had to go into it, craziness.
That was a fun chapter.
4478220
Thank you, it was fun to write, though quite long. Now that I finally have some time off again I plan on writing like the wind.
I feel like this story was rushed ... alot (dont hit me) but I mean it's like girl gets shot in the face. Girl wakes up. Girl gets "saved" by a unrealistic character. Girl who barely has ANY fight experience decides she wants to kill the equivalent of a deathclaw with a minigun using the worst gun ever (really a service rifle? Varmint rifles are better than those heaps of hellhound crap) Girl has very short fight scene with no injury to the protagonist . Girl finds out she is a mother and IMMEDIATELY goes baby crazy (I might not be a girl but I would just not care and keep drinking whiskey for all the protagonist knows those kids died years ago) I mean this is like a bad cheesy soap opera. I still like it but I really don't want to like it.
4929234
Hello,
In regards to your comment; “I feel like this story was rushed ... a lot” in some ways it was. I was incredibly busy at the time, still am in fact, so it didn’t get as much attention as it should have, and it was also a matter of trying to quickly write down ideas that were coming to me before they faded. It was as well trying a new style of writing (never done first person before) and done with a disregard for how I generally develop/polish (writing out all the chapters then editing/drafting et cetera). The first several chapters had editing for mistakes but no comments on story progression/narrative what have you, and I literally wrote the chapters in a single go, sent them to the editor then only made the changes suggested before publishing to FimFiction.
“(dont hit me)” Umm… okay, I won’t.
“Girl gets "saved" by a unrealistic character.” There is a reason why she was saved and for why the character who saved her chose to do so. He, in all likelihood, would not have done so for other ponies found lying in puddles of their own blood… and other things. Further volumes will examine the motivations, background, and personality of the Mysterious Stallion, who is in some ways an obvious expy for the Mysterious Stranger (and whose realism is quite blatantly lacking even in the Fallout games where he appears). Also, if you hadn’t guessed, he was drunk when he “saved” her.
“Girl who barely has ANY fight experience” how do we know that she doesn’t have any fight experience? There’s actually a bit of hinting in the story that she was involved in a profession that involved/required physical prowess. She ended up in two violent confrontations on that hilltop. And, just because she doesn’t remember past experiences doesn’t mean that she cannot take advantage of them. Her “retrograde amnesia” presents as extensive damage to her episodic memory (why she can’t remember anything about her life) and some minor to moderate damage to her semantic memory. Her procedural and implicit memories are relatively intact. This means she is fully capable of undertaking physical actions that would often be below conscious reasoning and awareness. If she learned to fight before waking up on the hillside, which she very much did, her loss of autobiographical memories doesn’t hinder her ability to use those fighting skills, they are what most people would refer to as muscle memory. I’ve seen this happen more than once in real life, which is where the basis for the idea came from.
“decides she wants to kill the equivalent of a deathclaw” she makes no decision on wanting to kill a Hellhound. As far as she is aware, raiders or some other problem that she thinks she can deal with is to blame. She has no idea that it is a Hellhound, despite the clues, until she is actually confronted by it. Also, her choices in the matter are limited. She needs to make a certain amount of caps in a short amount of time or be sold into slavery. While there were certainly other options, she either wasn’t aware of them or didn’t think they would work. She does have a massive head injury after all, even if she is physically capable it doesn’t mean that she is thinking properly.
“with a minigun” huh? The Hellhound doesn’t have a mini gun, he had a scratch built magical energy weapon which was about the only thing the service rifle managed to damage. You might be thinking of the damage that the caravan did to itself with their own weapons, opening fire when the Hellhound rose up in their midst and hitting each other and equating it to the Hellhound having a mini-gun. The only mini-gun that makes an appearance in this volume (fairly sure it’s in there) is the one belonging to Limerick the earth pony caravan guard. It is never fired.
“using the worst gun ever (really a service rifle? Varmint rifles are better than those heaps of hellhound crap)” I would say that the service rifle is at the low end of the scale but unless you’re making a subjective assessment, it isn’t the worst gun ever. You also have to realize that she had to work with what she could get. Service rifles are durable, easy to maintain and use, have a good magazine capacity, decent accuracy and would be effective against the kind of enemies she was expecting (i.e. not a Hellhound). As can be seen she did make a very poor choice, but that was because she didn’t know what she was up against. She also feels some level of comfort and familiarity with the weapon, but that’s a story for much further down the road. I do like Varmint rifles though.
“Girl has very short fight scene” I guess you can consider it short by comparison to the chapter or the story as a whole. The confrontation is about 1300 words in an 11,000 word chapter but if you’re looking at typeset, 300 words per page, as it would be in a published novel, that’s 4.33 pages. It’s also a comedy, the focus isn’t necessarily on action, but how long would you expect her to last, in her condition and with her gear, in a fight against a Hellhound? You had an issue with her getting into a fight with a terribly powerful enemy that should easily and quickly be able to kill her but you want the fight to last longer…
“with no injury to the protagonist” she does get injured. The slave collar prevents her from getting killed by a single swipe of the Hellhound’s claws but she’ll have permanent scars (as has been the decision since writing began) on her neck from the little bit of the claws that got to her. She takes a glancing blow that goes right through her armor and gets knocked around the place pretty badly, receiving multiple blows while doing everything she can to avoid the Hellhound’s claws. And while the timing is convenient (until the reader knows why the Mysterious Stallion was really there), the Hellhound was right about to kill the protagonist, and, if we’re going by Fallout conventions as to why she survived, she has high luck and decent strength and endurance.
“Girl finds out she is a mother and IMMEDIATELY goes baby crazy” I wouldn’t say that she goes baby crazy, but I associate that phrase with a woman really wanting to have a baby, not with the situation at hand in the story. Also, remember, she is thoroughly wasted/hammered/drunk at the time. Emotions are running high. But, more than anything else, you have to look at it from what we would consider her viewpoint to be. She has no memory, no knowledge of who she was, and Mistletoe does know something about her past, something that he has kept from her. Imagine the people around you, who you are beginning to trust, are lying/hiding the truth from you on something very important to who you are. As well, she woke up alone on the hillside. She understands the fear and uncertainty that go with being alone, in danger, afraid. She is empathizing with what she believes her children are feeling, or felt. Here is not only a link to her past, a possibility to find out who she was, but a reason, a purpose, a raison d’etre. She has been aimless, wandering, not knowing what she wants to do as well as not knowing who she is. This can solve at least the former half of that problem.
“(I might not be a girl but I would just not care and keep drinking whiskey for all the protagonist knows those kids died years ago)” and there, in the first part of your words, is a viable answer to why she goes “baby crazy” at the time. It can be difficult to understand the workings of the mind of the opposite gender, because men tend to not think like women and women tend to not think like men. Also, a very worrying indicator of your potential for Anti-Social Personality Disorder that you would continue drinking in that circumstance (she was, as well, already out of the bar and away from the whiskey by the time she finds out she’s a mother). For all she knows they are long dead but that pales next to the importance of her need to know if they are or not and in finding the answer as to where they are, what happened to them.
“I mean this is like a bad cheesy soap opera.” I take back the no hitting thing… just kidding, mostly. Well, it would certainly be a unique soap opera. Also, do you watch (or have you watched) soap operas that you can make an educated comparison between the two or is this using a metaphor based on what you believe soap operas to be? I mean, I can add cheesy musical cues, paternity issues, and dramatically bad dialogue if need be.
“I still like it” that’s good/nice.
“but I really don't want to like it.” That’s no so good... but hah! Like a train wreck you can't look away.
Hmm… it seems like you have a lot of issues with the story, since your comment listed no positive aspects. If you would like to provide constructive criticism, ideas, and other helpful comments I would be more than happy to take them into consideration/under advisement, and can provide access to the Google Docs where the chapters are written and edited before being posted if you think you can (or would like to) add to the quality of the story. Also, this entire volume, which may feel rushed, is the length of a short novel (so there is a lot of content) and acts primarily as the prologue to the rest of the story which will be told in future volumes, and be less rushed (hopefully).
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)