- Member Since 11th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen May 5th, 2023
fallen starr
How can I be home and still feel out of place.
fallen starr
Joined 11th Jul, 2012 ·
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Camelot? Don't you mean Canterlot?
2896421
I have to agree with this.
Even if you are trying to use the humanized world instead of Equestria (I haven't read this yet), why would you keep names of the ponies but change location names? Keep it Canterlot.
Congrats, now I think I'll read this.
You kept the name Cloudsdale, but changed Canterlot to Camelot? It just doesn't make sense...
2896459
Depends on how you approach the fic's fiction and the world around it. If you do a few minor town adjustments due to them not relying on horses or existing as horses, changing the town to it's original name is understandable. In addition, it seems like humanized names too, judging by even the first couple of paragraphs. It'd make less sense to keep it as canterlot.
2896657
I suppose when you put it that way. Guess I'm just a tad too biased towards the Equestrian city names.
I have problems with this.
I'll put aside my dislike of humanization in general for now though, and deal with a few other things.
First up: Sparity!
There are two main options: this is straight-up pedophilia, and/or not a fic about MLP. You see, in the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the show that this fic is supposedly based on, Spike is literally a baby. He was hatched by Twilight when she started school, meaning that he's, like, 10 years old at the most. Probably even younger.
So basically, either Rarity is in love with a 10 year old, pedophilia, or you throw out Spike's origin story completely, which means that this fic is no longer about MLP. If you say, for example, that Spike is around Twilight's age, and they met in school, then you are no longer talking about Twilight and Spike, you're talking about two new characters you made up with similar names to show characters.
Now, there is another option. You could say that this takes place 10 years in the future, and that Rarity is 30 and Spike is 20. That's still a little weird, but it's doable... except that it's not. Under normal circumstances, maybe, a relationship with such an age difference would work, but Rarity literally watched Spike grow up! Imagine dating someone you used to babysit. That would make the entire thing awkward to the point that a healthy relationship all but impossible.
Suffice to say, Spike shipping with Rarity only works when he's a dragon, because then you can claim all sorts of stuff about how aging and maturity works differently for them. As soon as you try to make Spike and Rarity the same species, things just become creepy.
Moving on to the next point: Names!
Okay, I'm just going to come right out and say it, the way you named these characters is completely absurd. Why on earth did you change some and not others?! For example, you changed Twilight to Twila (which sounds dumb, by the way), but you left Rarity and Pinkie! How are either of those names more realistic than Twilight? And Isabelle Dash? Seriously!? That's about the least fitting name for Rainbow Dash. Besides that, how come you have a character named Pinkie but not Rainbow? I mean, they're both basically just colours. Chylene isn't bad, it's a real human name at least, but it sounds nothing like Fluttershy. Besides, as I've said a million times, Fluttershy is no less realistic than Rarity. Either humanize all the names (with less ridiculous ones), or leave them alone. This mixture of realistic names, absurd names, and pony names is just bizarre.
Oh, and one last thing. Jack Apple. No. Just no.
Thirdly: Characterization!
Now, I only read the first chapter, so this will be just quick first impression.
Pinkie Pie never says "Rare", though "Dashie" is okay, eve if it's a strange nickname for someone named Isabelle.
What was with Applejack and Pinkie? They get along just fine in the show, but for some reason there was all this unnecessary tension shoehorned in. Even if it was just Applejack getting annoyed at Pinkie's drumming fingers, that's still silly. Applejack is calm, level-headed, and generally well put together. She doesn't just get angry over little things like that.
Rainbow Dash was way out of character. She was lacking any and all of her usual bravado, and her announcement about the Wonderbolts was silly, unnecessary, and just handled wrong. In the show, all of her friends waited next to the mailbox for hours just to see if she was accepted into the academy! And now you're telling me that she didn't tell them the very second she found out she was a full Wonderbolt? I refuse to accept that.
As I said, I've only read the first chapter, so this is not a definitive opinion, but based on what I've seen, these are not the characters from MLP. These are some slightly similar characters wearing slightly similar names in vastly different bodies.
I guess that's about all I can say based off just the first chapter.
If you think I'm being unfair, I can read the whole story and give a complete review. Just a fair warning, though, that it would probably end with both of us frowning.
PS
Nothing against the writing itself, by the way. There were a couple minor grammar errors, but overall it was quite good. So props for that. You're not a bad writer at all, and I just wanted to clarify that.
2896469
Perhaps he just didn't recognize the difference.
2896707
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What is AU tag for 500, Alex? There are plenty of ways for it to work without it involving hatching, but putting the characters in the same situation. Considering it's a humanized piece to begin with, there's going to be a bit of wiggle room regarding canon.
I've only read a bit in, and I thought it said it was 5 years since Twila had been working at the library. Considering that she obviously didn't haul Spike out there when he was an infant, and she was in pre-school, I'd say that it's pretty obvious it's an aged up story.
M-my Grandpa used to babysit my Grandma... 15 years difference, and they were married for over 20 some years before he died. Yes, it can be awkward, but it doesn't necessary have to be. You can't think in absolutes like that regarding stories or, well, love even in RL. Reality is unrealistic.
A tenish year difference doesn't fall under 'creepy' to me. A dragon dating a creature that will some day be the size of his foot does.
H-have you never heard of someone named Twila RL?
Considering Rarity's sort of a 'unique snowflake' high-culture character, I feel it fits. I mean, look at some of the weird names celebrities give their kids. Blanket Jackson? As for Pinkie--I just assumed it was a nickname, like 'the dude.'
Hence why she'd want to go by Dash 24/7 over Isabelle.
Fluttershy Chylene. They're in the ballpark.
Except Rarity as a name I could at least understand RL, due to it actually sounding like a high-class name. If I saw a woman named Fluttershy, I'd be pretty questioning.
i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee222/merc_the_jerk/YES_zps195bc5e5.gif
Jack fits a rugged farmgirl pretty well in my eye.
Can't really go any farther at the moment, but there's quite a bit that's just, like, your opinion, man. Though Jack did seem a bit quick to anger in this, sometimes she did snap at ponies on the show, so I'm willing to give it a bypass. I really think your bias against humanized in general is causing you to hyper-nitpick at this story.
PS: I thought I recognized your name. Keep up the good work on Mother of Invention.
2896862
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Ah, but the story doesn't have an AU tag. I'd give it a bit more wiggle room if it did.
Yeah, the options I presented were more just ways of dealing with a scenario like the one in canon. That is, where Twilight basically raises Spike from birth. She doesn't necesarrily have to 'hatch' him, but she seemed to be about 7-10 years younger than her show-self when she first got Spike, putting him as as 7-10 year old in my eyes. If she worked at the library for 5 years he would be 12-15, going by those numbers.
I will conceded here, it's not technically strange for Spike and Rarity to date, assuming he's reached the legal age. I guess the reason it feels creepy is because of the show. In the show, even though spike is a young kid, because dragons love so long he's still just a baby. As such he has a lot of baby-like qualities, ranging from his body shape to his inability to stay awake during Nightmare Moon's attack in episode one, and even in the way he acts a lot of the time. I suppose all that just left me with a mental image of Spike being a baby, and being thrust into this world where he's suddenly an adult was a little jarring, and didn't really give me time to adjust my thought process. Perhaps a little time between would have helped, a chance to see Spike growing up instead of just grown, but that's a bit outside this story's scope.
The Spike/pony romance stories I've seen (admittedly, not that many) usually say that by the time he grows big enough for it to be a problem, whoever he loves will be long dead anyway.
...
Now I'm sad.
Well, the main problem was that the first time I read it it seemed like a typo. I thought the author had just forgotten the rest of the name, and also mistyped an 'a'.
Well that's just, like, your opinion, man.
It fits a rugged farmman. Maybe it's just me, but I've seen "Jackie" and "Jacqueline", but never just "jack". Except for that one in Mass Effect 2.
Besides that, though, I thought Applejack sounded perfectly fine as a human name. I mean, it's a bit strange, but it's understandable.
Damn, beat me to it!
I'm still leaving mine in though.
I will be perfectly honest, my bias against humanization probably affected a lot, and a lot of my complaints were just personal preference. I probably should have just let it be, but sometimes I just feel like leaving long, rambly, critiques, even when I had no intention of reading the story before.
Ah well, what's done is done, I guess. I will admit that, while it's not my cup of tea, the story seemed well-enough written. If that's the kind of thing people are into, then they'll probably enjoy it just fine.
I should probably get back to writing that...
The next chapter's almost ready to send to the ol' editor.
This was so moving.
This was amazing, although at first the ending seemed a little rushed, I accustomed to it. Very well written
2896707 She's 27, he's 6 years younger, making him 21. Learn how to math, jerkoff.
2897865
Just to play devil's advocate here, that's not stated until one of the later chapters. Plus he is well within his rights to offer a critique on a work, there's no need for names even if you strongly disagree, brother.
2896707 You do know the human names presented in the story are the most common names for the humanized version, but pinkie is usually Diane/Diana. Don't be rude til you do your research.
2898657
I wouldn't necessary say that--they're just what me and a couple others use in our works, due to them being connected. There's no real set name for 'em otherwise.
Hmmm, interesting to say the least, style could use a little work, a lot of the action happened very fast and was over before it got started, and I"m always a little iffy about stories using knock off names. It was a decent story though by the end I'm not sure the title applies. It would be interesting to see another story with hopeful improvements. Hope that's not too harsh criticism, just somethings I feel felt off over the course of reading this.
2896421>>2896459 I can see a town being called Cloudsdale. I've been in some pretty strangely named towns. But Canterlot seems to be a play on Camelot to me, so I changed it back. And I didn't keep pony names?
2896707 Just a bit of a reply. I'll go in the order you've gone.
Sparity
Okay, so first off...Spike doesn't have to be 10 at the most? Like, Twi could have been trying to get into kindergarten, which would have made her somewhere between four and six, depending. I highly doubt she moved to Ponyville before fully graduating the highest level of required school, so that's several years. In the case of this story, it's about fifteen before she moves to Ponyville. Secondly, Rarity doesn't watch Spike grow up. They meet when he's 15, she's 21. I know pleanty of couples with that age difference, even if it is the guy who is older instead. Most of them didn't date until they were both legal, though, much like Rarity and Spike in this story.
And as for the origin story...Spike's human here, so that's pretty much gone. And I'm much more comfortable with something like this than when it's a pony and dragon trying to be together.
Names
So...I don't think Twila is dumb. Pretty much end of story. It's actually a real name, believe it or not. And creative, too. (I didn't actually come up with any of the names, if you read the A/N, you would see). As far as Rarity, I think it's a brilliant name. I would use it IRL. Dash was clearly a last name. The only responce I have for that is, have you never called friends by their last name? I have a frind who's last name is short. Everyone calls her shorty. Made sense to me. Pinkie is a nick-name. I didn't go into it, because it wasn't important to the story, but Jack does call Pinkie 'Diane' at one point, though that might have been in a later chapter. Actually, that leads us to...
Characterization
I will admit, my characterization is probably just a little off from the show. Pinkie makes up nicknames for everyone. At least, in my headcanon of her. The AJ and Pinkie thing wasn't meant to seem like they hated each other, or anything. But if you're sitting in the same seat as someone who is bouncing and tapping their fingers, it does get annoying. AJ didn't say anything to Pinkie about it, even if it was grating on her nerves. Dash I'll concede. She probably would have done that. But, as I had her say in the story, she wanted to tell them in the coolest way possible. Not as a gushing fangirl.
So...that's my explanation(?) of the things you brought up. I really hope you're still reading this, cause now is where I get to the good part, I guess. I like that you left the review. I like being challenged or people telling me what they think is wrong with a story. It flexes my writing muscle, lets me see what is and isn't working, and just makes me a better writer. And I just love hearing what people think about my stuff in general, be it love or hate or something in between.
Oh yeah, and as for the grammar part, I do have an editor working on it. I meant to wait to get the chapters edited before I put it up, but I'm super impulsive and just did it before really thinking. Heh. I need to work on that. So thanks for leaving the comment.
And I'm totally sorry if anything I wrote came off snarky or something. I don't mean it like that.
2896862 Thank you for the support you've shown this story! I don't even have the words to say how thankful I am. Thanks you for giving me the basic tools (and them some) and letting me play with your things. You are a wonderful person, my friend. I don't even know what else to say right now. I'm happy you read it, and...I just...yeah. Thank you.
2897343 I would love to say thank you and take the credit, but I totally didn't come up with all that amazing stuff. That was Merc the Jerk. If you want something that pulls it off better, you should read The Laughing Shadow. It's brilliant.
2897356 2897356>>2899383 Yeah, it was a bit rushed. I thought about doing more, but I realized that I wasn't really sure. It's been a long time since I wrote a proper romance story. I like how this turned out mostly, but it was a huge part me just getting back into the genre.
2897865 Math is right pretty much. But please, no name calling.
And he (she? I never know with this site) only read the first chapter, and that's in like...chapter 5.
2897289 Thanks! Glad you liked it!
Okay! So, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for reading this. As I said before, this is the first time I've written and multichapter only romance in a while. Over a year, to be honest. So thanks for the support I've been show with it. I...don't have much else to say, really. Just thank you.
2902076 I know how you feel. I think a rushed ending can turn out better than a well thought 3 day planned ending. It was an amazing story, so im not saying the ending was bad. Very well done
2902076 You're welcome
2902076
Hey, thanks for the reply. You didn't come off snarky at all.
I hope I didn't come across as rude in my own comment. I'll admit that a good number of my points were opinionated, and not the kind of thing that belongs in any proper review.
To be perfectly honest, I saw the notification and was like "Yes! A new Milky Way story!"
But then I saw that it was humanized...
So maybe I wasn't in the best of moods.
Anyway, I'm glad that you don't mind criticism. I've received some fairly... unfriendly messages from authors before, even when my critiques were way more fair and objective than a few of the ones I had here.
Personally, I share your view. some of my favourite comments are the ones telling me what I've done wrong, and some of my biggest improvements as a writer have come directly from the advice of comments.
Anyway, I won't delete my comment, because I don't believe in that sort of thing, but if I do get around to reading this, I'll be sure to give it a real, objective review at the end.
2902147 I only delete comments it they're just way way off subject, unless I'm asked. :P So don't worry, I won't. And my next story should be back to ponies again. Probably. I just really can't write Spike and Rarity if they aren't humanized.
2902147
That shouldn't be a factor in enjoying well-written fiction. If anything, some things and stories just couldn't work as ponies--half of the fics I've wrote, for example. Humanized opens up an entirely new way to develop and appreciate characters you know and love, in addition to creating a way to make them even more emphatic to a reader.
i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee222/merc_the_jerk/saiyan.jpg
? That period is an impostor!
ohmygosh! This chapter! I love this story so far
My tears of joy to this 
Why do I like this story so much?
Ohmygosh this story!!! It was pretty rushed but I loved it so much
2902076 Used my logic on the Sparity, yays!
2912822 thank you!
2915272 Yay!
Looking pretty solid so far, but you do have some formatting errors with spacing. Some enters where there shouldn't be and some that need a extra enter.
Also, Applejack is a real name, so there wasn't necessarily a reason to change it.
Aside from all that, solid two chapters and a nice all or nothing try from Spike here.
Nice to see you've remembered our last talk with the appearances.
Personally, I think it would have worked better as one chapter with a extra paragraph or two between to create a transition. Mostly, it would get rid of a lot of the rushed feeling people brought up.
The pregnancy was a nice touch, but I'd of liked to see something about marriage as well.
2917232 I may combine the last chapters like you suggested. I'm glad you seem to like it.
am
And yeah, when I wrote that scene I thought about what you had said on The Book. And as for the marriage, I have been entertaining thoughts of a sequel, though I'm not ready to commit. It would go back from when Spike moves to Canterlot and show the issues and stuff they have with his guard training and stuff.
2917343 Solid plan, since that felt the most rushed
2911878 why would you not
Here's what I thought about this story. It was a realistic what-if of the giving scenario. Two people that have been close friends for a long time both have the courage to step off the sidewalk and try to be something more. There were several issues, main issue being the age difference, but ultimately in the long run, they realized what they had and continued to make it happen. It really did benenfit also when Spike finally confessed that even though he wants the best for Rarity, he didn't want her to leave town, and kudos to the universe that Rarity understood and accepted Spike to be her boyfriend, despite what society dictates. More kudos that Spike's also willing to do what it takes to stay with Rarity, hence his joining the Royal Guard.
It reminds me of a crush that I had in middle school a year after I had transferred from a nearby town. Sure, there was the first few months of appreciation (I call it new car smell). But I stupidly tried to force it into a relationship, even to the point of writing letters and leaving it in her locker. The romantics came to an end when I confessed the crush, and she came out and said that it wouldn't work out at the time, and that she just wanted to be friends. Over the years we kinda distanced ourselves. But fate (or should I say, my younger brother), brought us back together. The climax was that it was a issue of "will they/won't they?" during our entire high school career. I mean, how would it work: the school beauty w/ a heart of gold and the lumbering giant who makes Big Macintosh seem like a chatterbox? Senior year at the prom, the whole body realized that it was a definite "THEY WILL!!!!" One of the best moments of my life.
We aren't together anymore, since I'm here on the east coast, and she's halfway across the country. But we still talk, we are on good terms.
2943799 XD Good point Sparity is my OTPv
Wait... Twilia? Chylene? Isabelle? Is this related to the Heistverse (Fool's Gold)?
Ah, so it is the same guy.
Ah, this is the perfect time for... Rarity's bad pickup lines (though considering who they're directed at, it probably has a fairly high success rate).
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Good story. A bit rough around the edges in some parts (nothing immersion-breaking, though), but good. I really enjoyed reading this
Well, borrowed or not, at least you had the decency to use human names with... well... humans unlike most authors out there who still use the original equine names in humanized stories. While not a major deal breaker, it does take you out of the experience and requires further suspension of disbelief. I mean for crying out loud, what kind of parent would name their child Applejack, Rainbow Dash or Twilight Sparkle?! So thank god for Merc who went the extra mile and made it all as original as he could.
Writing seems fine so I'll be reading to see where this goes.
RARITY WHY?! Definitely love this story!
Keep 'em coming
This story Tottaly deserters more likes.
It was extremely we written.
The relationship was touching. Spike and Rarity were Tottaly in charecter...as well as the rest of the main 6.
I am enjoying this so far. I truly appreciate the soul-folk and sky-folk titles to explain the differences in their human world. All of the characters are written well and their reactions are realistic; it is simply so sad to see Rarity leave.
The moment with Spike at the end was my favorite; she regarded him for some words of comfort in the sad situation and perhaps even to hear that he would miss her or would not wish for her to leave. This is simple speculation, yet perhaps she wanted him to convince her to stay. Instead, he garners her with a smile and a wish of good fortune, which initiates her sad countenance.
I also enjoy the closeness that they appear to share, the proper lady going so far as to brush her hand through his hair. Regardless, I shall continue perusing this tale.
Aww, poor Rarity and Spike. I loved this chapter and love the story thus far. I am happy that it isn't another tale where I don't know that Rarity returns his feelings or that she doesn't return them until the end; not that those are poor stories, it is purely nice to have some variety.
Yet you had a few grammatical errors in this chapter, largely with Jack. Where she says 'to', a few times it should be 'too' instead.
Hurrah!
I fear that it is only down hill from here.
I hope not, yet expect the worst and hope for the best, isn't it?
A few bumps and bruises, but Spike is learning. I am happy that this wasn't an extended affair, I couldn't have dealt with the suspense. Phew!