Wow, that sounds like the most painful magic ever *backs away and stumbles into a chair* keep those horns away from me! *reads medical exam results* *clenches legs together* All of my no!
Long and thin goes too far in... Short and thick does the trick
My friend's grandmother told her this one day, out of the blue. Which she found slightly... odd.
.... Well, all in all, an excellent chapter! Can't wait for roar moar! .. speaking of, you've really gone all out on references this time I wouldn't really call this whole story a clop, since it's more about the psychology and "human" interaction than the sex, let alone the unrealistically "good" sex that defines most of the genre (if you can call it that): Really more of a relationship drama. It's very real. A great read any day If you ever need editors help, you can shoot me a PM. I am seeing a lot of errors in this, just funny little spelling ones and a couple awkward sentences, but it's certainly a long, long way away from even the most readable levels of unreadable that abound on this site. Have a nice day!
3431847 I don't think even Pinkie Pie can repair the bridges that Diamond's parents just burned. Something tells me that Diamond didn't read over that stud contract or understand it's implications NEARLY as well as she thought. After all, she still has yet to come to the conclusion of 'why' getting contracted to Big Mac was supposed to save Barnyard Bargains.
This chapter has multiple issues and is an absolute low point for this story. Also, there's something I'd like to address that has appeared before in this story, and I ignored it at the time, but it does bother me.
So we'll get to that first.
pegasister-in-law
Why are you using the fandom's term for its female members as though it's something ponies would actually say? Because I assure you it absolutely is not.
Every single time you feel the urge to use "pegasister" as though it makes sense for ponies to call their sisters this, you need to slap yourself. You also need to go through and replace every instance of "pegasister" with simply "sister".
"Plot" I'll let slide since we're ALL guilty of that, though you need to stop using it as though it's interchangeable with pussy. It isn't. Plot means BUTT. QED. End of line.
Basically, bronyspeak doesn't really belong in fanfiction. It's how bronies talk. It isn't how PONIES talk. It's a very important distinction. So you're really better off without it entirely, especially if you can't use it correctly.
OK, now that that's out of the way, I'll bitch about the rest of the chapter.
The Fluttershy scene. Just...WHY? Fluttershy is completely inconsequential to this story, so why randomly drop a bad teen drama angstbomb like that? It felt awkwardly shoehorned in and it isn't necessary and it really, really hurts this story. If the story you're trying to tell can be told without a random Fluttershy dramabomb out of nowhere, then you're better off losing the random Fluttershy dramabomb.
The way you write Applejack's accent. It's INCREDIBLY over the top, and coming from ME, that means it's EXCEPTIONALLY bad. Dial it down.
She pranced in place in an exaggerated dressage form for emphasis.
Okay no. Just NO. It's bad enough you're dragging real-world horse breeding terminology into this story, which almost makes sense, but this is taking it way too goddamned far. These are SENTIENT TALKING CARTOON PONIES who bear almost no resemblance whatsoever to actual horses. Doing things like this in fanfic just feels out of place and wrong.
he’s actually a pretty good plot licker for a novice.
Not to harp on this or anything, but do you have any idea how silly it sounds when you use a fandom term that you don't fully understand as though it's something else entirely? Because I'm pretty sure he's not back there giving her a damn rim job.
3432960 Diamond never did read it, she made too many assumptions about what was going on, she was too into herself to catch it. 'Daddy would never betray me.' What Diamond never understood was how her social misbehavior put the family at risk, if her father loses the business because of her expensive blundering, she still loses it too, now face to face with this fragmentary truth, . But I'm not done yet, this Diamond needs its imperfections cut way and good polish and she can really shine if she wants. Back into the crucible for her.
3433039 Okay, the use of some terms is an allusion to the fandom, in the line by which the series makes allusions to so many other things. Pegasister-in-law is from the G.M. Berrow books (found that on MLPwiki) and Cadance is the only pony I normally referred to as such. Plot, I was of the impression 'flank hole' was the anal sphincter, and 'plot' seemed to be where one put the 'seed'.
Dressage, as my friend's sister, a dressage instructor, put it in simple terms, is 'horse ballet', yes we know these ponies do have actual ballet, so my use of the term dressage is referring to more a cultural folk dance type discipline.
Fluttershy, little bit distraction, little bit different POV on Applejack, maybe some foreshadowing, simply put she's there to throw the reader off a bit.
AJ's accent, I had a long discussion with another writer from that part of the continent, and I've been writing her like that for months sans complaint.
Thank you for your concerns, do feel free to PM me if you can locate a sexual dictionary for cartoon horses though.
3433511 A diamond can cut too, of course. I say that, after this, Diamond Tiara needs to evaluate whom she really wants to be her family now. They want to keep her from her legacy? Fine then, so be it. They don't want their daughter anymore? Wish granted.
Fluttershy, little bit distraction, little bit different POV on Applejack, maybe some foreshadowing, simply put she's there to throw the reader off a bit.
It also allows her to give her side of the story about why she was acting (as others complained about previously) "so out of character" at the ceremony.
Of course, since you mentioned Chekov's Gun, I'm wondering if Fluttershy's foal is going to be one eventually.
3436191 The foal is, but it's not loaded. I like to leave myself loose threads to work with at times. It may be something I chose to make use of in a separate piece, or tie into this one. We'll see where creativity leads things shall we.
On the author's note, I kind of agree with other comments. What applies to our world and horses doesn't really apply equally to Equestria, Particularly the the ponies are sentient and talk to each other.
3439370 Unless some or all of the problems are introduced by domestication somehow.
5441069 Fair comment. It just seemed to me that a lot of the stories here treated the characters in the vein of 'humans in funny suits'. I wanted to do something different that added an element of something 'other than human'. Yes, they are sentient, but no they aren't human, hence how I chose the context in how to write this.
I've had a bad day today,
Then I read your story.
Thanks for the update, you made my day better.
Poor Diamond.
This was an interesting chapter, it was nice to some Diamond/Silver interaction. Silver's euphemism made me smile.
I've got two corrections for you:
Should be You're
Shouldn't be capitalized
It's going to take a lot of Pinkie parties to put that family back together.
Though when she hears of it, pink pone might very well decide not to bother anymore.
Well Diamond already screwed everything up. Her mom may be in the right here.
Wow, that sounds like the most painful magic ever
*backs away and stumbles into a chair* keep those horns away from me!
*reads medical exam results* *clenches legs together* All of my no!
My friend's grandmother told her this one day, out of the blue. Which she found slightly... odd.
.... Well, all in all, an excellent chapter! Can't wait for
roarmoar!.. speaking of, you've really gone all out on references this time
I wouldn't really call this whole story a clop, since it's more about the psychology and "human" interaction than the sex, let alone the unrealistically "good" sex that defines most of the genre (if you can call it that): Really more of a relationship drama. It's very real. A great read any day
If you ever need editors help, you can shoot me a PM. I am seeing a lot of errors in this, just funny little spelling ones and a couple awkward sentences, but it's certainly a long, long way away from even the most readable levels of unreadable that abound on this site.
Have a nice day!
Game of Thrones references galore in SS conversation with DT.
Never go full Draft Post.
talknerdytomelover.com/storage/Never-Go-Full-Retard.jpeg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1332354706876
3431847 I don't think even Pinkie Pie can repair the bridges that Diamond's parents just burned. Something tells me that Diamond didn't read over that stud contract or understand it's implications NEARLY as well as she thought. After all, she still has yet to come to the conclusion of 'why' getting contracted to Big Mac was supposed to save Barnyard Bargains.
This chapter has multiple issues and is an absolute low point for this story. Also, there's something I'd like to address that has appeared before in this story, and I ignored it at the time, but it does bother me.
So we'll get to that first.
Why are you using the fandom's term for its female members as though it's something ponies would actually say? Because I assure you it absolutely is not.
Every single time you feel the urge to use "pegasister" as though it makes sense for ponies to call their sisters this, you need to slap yourself. You also need to go through and replace every instance of "pegasister" with simply "sister".
"Plot" I'll let slide since we're ALL guilty of that, though you need to stop using it as though it's interchangeable with pussy. It isn't. Plot means BUTT. QED. End of line.
Basically, bronyspeak doesn't really belong in fanfiction. It's how bronies talk. It isn't how PONIES talk. It's a very important distinction. So you're really better off without it entirely, especially if you can't use it correctly.
OK, now that that's out of the way, I'll bitch about the rest of the chapter.
The Fluttershy scene. Just...WHY? Fluttershy is completely inconsequential to this story, so why randomly drop a bad teen drama angstbomb like that? It felt awkwardly shoehorned in and it isn't necessary and it really, really hurts this story. If the story you're trying to tell can be told without a random Fluttershy dramabomb out of nowhere, then you're better off losing the random Fluttershy dramabomb.
The way you write Applejack's accent. It's INCREDIBLY over the top, and coming from ME, that means it's EXCEPTIONALLY bad. Dial it down.
Okay no. Just NO. It's bad enough you're dragging real-world horse breeding terminology into this story, which almost makes sense, but this is taking it way too goddamned far. These are SENTIENT TALKING CARTOON PONIES who bear almost no resemblance whatsoever to actual horses. Doing things like this in fanfic just feels out of place and wrong.
Not to harp on this or anything, but do you have any idea how silly it sounds when you use a fandom term that you don't fully understand as though it's something else entirely? Because I'm pretty sure he's not back there giving her a damn rim job.
Wow... That's a hell of a low point right there. Would you care to have some salt with that wound?
3432960 Diamond never did read it, she made too many assumptions about what was going on, she was too into herself to catch it. 'Daddy would never betray me.' What Diamond never understood was how her social misbehavior put the family at risk, if her father loses the business because of her expensive blundering, she still loses it too, now face to face with this fragmentary truth, . But I'm not done yet, this Diamond needs its imperfections cut way and good polish and she can really shine if she wants. Back into the crucible for her.
Remember kids, don't just shove it in there! You gotta whirl it around like a drill or something first.
3433039 Okay, the use of some terms is an allusion to the fandom, in the line by which the series makes allusions to so many other things. Pegasister-in-law is from the G.M. Berrow books (found that on MLPwiki) and Cadance is the only pony I normally referred to as such. Plot, I was of the impression 'flank hole' was the anal sphincter, and 'plot' seemed to be where one put the 'seed'.
Dressage, as my friend's sister, a dressage instructor, put it in simple terms, is 'horse ballet', yes we know these ponies do have actual ballet, so my use of the term dressage is referring to more a cultural folk dance type discipline.
Fluttershy, little bit distraction, little bit different POV on Applejack, maybe some foreshadowing, simply put she's there to throw the reader off a bit.
AJ's accent, I had a long discussion with another writer from that part of the continent, and I've been writing her like that for months sans complaint.
Thank you for your concerns, do feel free to PM me if you can locate a sexual dictionary for cartoon horses though.
3433607 Read a fishing shirt that read: It's not how big the worm is, it's how you wiggle it.
oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ssssshhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
3433511
A diamond can cut too, of course. I say that, after this, Diamond Tiara needs to evaluate whom she really wants to be her family now. They want to keep her from her legacy? Fine then, so be it. They don't want their daughter anymore? Wish granted.
3433651
It also allows her to give her side of the story about why she was acting (as others complained about previously) "so out of character" at the ceremony.
Of course, since you mentioned Chekov's Gun, I'm wondering if Fluttershy's foal is going to be one eventually.
3436191 The foal is, but it's not loaded. I like to leave myself loose threads to work with at times. It may be something I chose to make use of in a separate piece, or tie into this one. We'll see where creativity leads things shall we.
Like I mentioned before, so much talk of injury when it comes to equine reproduction... it's a wonder they manage to survive in the wild.
This based off that one pregnant Fluttershy comic by Haiku Oezu then redone by Matty4z? I.e. is the filly Scoots?
3443978 Pending Season 4, I give nothing away. But it is an intriguing possibility, and where is this comic I now must read? Link please.
3446180 Comic here. Matty4z provides a link to the original artist in the description section.
Chekhov's gun more like Cheneighkhov's crossbow
3510882 Touche!
I am currently wondering if anyone else got the Stannis Beratheon reference.
On the author's note, I kind of agree with other comments. What applies to our world and horses doesn't really apply equally to Equestria, Particularly the the ponies are sentient and talk to each other.
3439370
Unless some or all of the problems are introduced by domestication somehow.
5441069 Fair comment. It just seemed to me that a lot of the stories here treated the characters in the vein of 'humans in funny suits'. I wanted to do something different that added an element of something 'other than human'. Yes, they are sentient, but no they aren't human, hence how I chose the context in how to write this.