After many grueling months of training in Canterlot, Twilight is given permission to return to Ponyville. Celestia tells her she is free to live in the small village and preform her Royal Duties from there, but upon her arrival home she finds that she has been replaced as the town librarian. After her and Spike find alternate lodgings she get's to know this pony, who goes by the name of Hopeful. She seems a nice pony at first glance, but Twilight has her suspicions.
Many thanks to the maker of my wonderful cover art, Mister TheClosetBronies on deviantART.com
Rated Teen for language
And if you do down vote I understand you have your reasons. So if you'd be so kind as to share those reasons with so I might better myself for it, I'd very much appreciate it. Live long and brony on /)
This looks like it was written by someone who is not a native English speaker, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I need to know whether you are or not if I'm going to provide appropriate constructive criticism.
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While I do speak English as my first language I am horrible at grammar. Plus I tried to write this in a more British kind vocabulary as it will be reveled that Hopeful is from Trottingham (not that big a spoiler). But either way I thank you for not jumping to conclusions and I would very much like for you to mention any dependencies you found so I may endeavor to fix them. I thank you for your time
2882154 It's mostly run-on sentences and words placed in the wrong order. These wrong-order sentences would likely be correct in other languages' sentence structures, which is what led me to my suspicion. I'll give a few samples of incorrect sentences and provide correct versions now.
Then there was Fluttershy. Poor, poor Fluttershy. The young lass died of pneumonia. Twilight didn't even know about her friend's passing until the pegasus was already six feet under. The one day she was allowed off was the day she paid her respects at the young lass's grave.
(Note: "Payed" isn't technically wrong, but it is very outdated. So outdated, in fact, that it's how Shakespeare spelled it.)
True, while having every pony in town bow and grovel at her hooves was unsettling, to say the least, she had been trained for such occurences.
She stood there, nostalgia taking its toll, until a certain little winged pony with a quill and book for a cutie mark walked out the door with a book balanced on his back.
Those are some examples. A proofreader would be needed to get them all, and I'm a little too busy to volunteer. I already have a 40k+ word backlog of stuff to proofread, as well as work on my own stories, that I need to get done now that my PCs are fixed.
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Thank you sir/madam for taking time out of your day to bring me the material I shall use to better both my self and this story. I will do my best in order to fix all that is wrong. Live long and brony on
hmm.... this is an interesting concept, and i'd like to see where you take it, but there are a few issues I wanted to point out:
-it's Sweet Apple Acres, not Apple Archers. also peaches don't 'pop' out of the earth' as they are fruits. and majoring in any other crop kind of defeats the purpose f it being an apple orchard, but I can forgive that last one.
-you referred to Fluttershy as lass twice in the same paragraph, not really a problem, just struck me as an odd term to use.
-Spike is ten feet long? seriously? how on earth would he fit inside the carriage (or anywhere for that matter)?
-Lines like 'But most were closer to the truth than even the story maker had thought' and 'Oh and by the way I forgot to mention' are really distracting, they're like a brick wall in the readers path of emersion .
-I have no clue what the wind serpents of Pandaria are, are your readers supposed to?
-what is the purpose of that random bit about chocolate checklists?
-finally... Fluttershy passes away and Pinkie disappears and this is only touched upon in two paragraphs and Twilight doesn't show any objection to only getting one day off in a year while hers friends are going through all this?
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1: That is my bad. I have no excuse
2: It seemed a more British term to use as it will be later reveled that the teller of the story is from Trottingham (not that big a spoiler)
3: He coils himself up like a snake ready to strike
4: It shall be explained why they are there in later chapters
5: That's my bad. I meant to put a explaination in the authors notes for people that don't play WoW, but I guess I derped it. But any way It's basically a Chinese style dragon
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6: Comedy for those who find it funny *shrug*
7: I know I'm saying this allot but it will be explained in future chapter the extent of how pissed Twilight was at Celestia
I Thank you for the time you took out of your day to help me better myself and this story. Live long and brony on my friend /)
Wheree are the rest of chapters?