It's all over.
A few rays of sunlight managed to pass through a small gap between the curtains, hitting a spot in Alice’s pillow. The light wouldn’t have disturbed Alice if she had kept her head facing the opposite direction, but she couldn’t control her actions while sleeping. She rolled to the side, allowing the sun to get to her eyes.
This was the scariest moment of Alice’s day. She would close hard her eyes and wish with all her heart. She would wish that what had happened recently wasn’t just a dream, that she was no longer sleeping in the streets, that she now had a place that she could call home.
Alice took a deep breath, and ever so slowly, she opened her eyes and looked around her. She was lying on a bed in the guest ro… Correction, she was sleeping on her bed, in her own room. Alice let go the breath she was holding and allowed a smile to show on her face. She got up from the bed and moved to the night table, where she had positioned a calendar. She marked the day with a bright red X. She had started doing this two days ago, when she decided to stay.
“Two days,” Alice said in a low, but happy, tone of voice and remembered what had happened in these two days. She hadn’t had troubles looking for a job where she could use her knowledge and abilities, as the job had showed up even before she started looking for one.
Rarity’s sister, Sweetie Belle, had shown up at the door with two other fillies. First, they were there to thank Alice for the amazing badges she had made, and second, they were there looking for help. In one of their adventures as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the three fillies managed to break Granny Smith rocking chair. They had tried to fix it themselves, but didn’t get far. They lacked the tools to fix it, as Applejack had hidden them, so the CMC wouldn't be able to build another catapult.
They gave the broken parts of the chair to Alice, and she took them to her cart, where she started to work in it. Fixing the chair wouldn’t take much time, it only required to get all the parts together, and change a few that were too damaged.
When Alice was done with the work, she looked up to see a pair of ponies that had watched her work. They asked if she could fix a few things for them, and of course, they would pay. So she now had a small job, something from where she could start. It wasn’t much, but she would go up from there.
Other than working in these days, Alice spent as much time as she could with Rarity. Talking, eating, walking through the town, and spending a bit of time with Rarity’s friends.
A knock sounded at the door, “Alice, darling,” called Rarity from the other side.
Alice smiled, no better way to start the day than hearing the voice of the pony she loved. Alice moved to the door and opened it. “Good morning, Rarity.”
“Good morning, Alice. Did you slept well?”
“Yes, Rarity, thanks for asking.” Alice walked to the window and moved the curtains so the light could fill the room, she then started to make the bed. When she was done, she looked back at the door to see that Rarity was still standing there. “It’s something wrong?”
Rarity smiled at Alice, “No, darling, I was just thinking.”
“Thinking? About what?”
“Well, I have a lunch scheduled with the others this afternoon, and I was thinking that you could tag along, if you want.”
It made Alice happy that Rarity wanted to bring her to this lunch with her friends. That meant that Rarity wanted to spent as much time with her as with the friends she had known for years.
“Sure, if the others are okay with that.”
“I think they will be fine with it, darling. Now, let’s go have some breakfast.” Rarity walked out from the room. Alice just took a moment to finish organizing her room before moving downstairs.
Later in the day, Alice and Rarity left the town and walked in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage, as the lunch was taking place right there. Alice saw a few beautiful flowers right next the road. A thought came to her mind, she would pick one of them and would place it on Rarity's mane. She contemplated the idea for a moment, but finally decided not to do it. She didn't had the courage to do something like that, what would Rarity think?
Walking a bit faster, the two ponies reached the cottage and knocked the door. Not hearing an answer, Rarity knocked a bit harder.
“We’re back here!” Came the voice of Rainbow Dash from the other side of the humble home.
Rarity and Alice circled the cottage and arrived to an open area behind it. There were Rarity’s friends, sitting around a large wooden table. The only one missing was Fluttershy.
“Hi Rarity! Hi Alice!” Pinkie greeted from her seat to which she was being tied by Applejack. That caught Alice attention.
“Hello, girls, I hope there’s no problem that I brought Alice with me.” Rarity said as she sat right next to Applejack. Alice followed sweet and sat right next to her.
“Of course there’s no problem,” Twilight, who was sitting at the other side of the table, between an empty seat and Rainbow Dash, answered. “We are actually glad you brought her. The more, the merrier.”
“Ah’m surely glad ya brought her. Ah wanted to talk to her.” Applejack said after she made one last knot to Pinkie’s binding.
“You wanted to talk to me? About what?” Alice asked with curiosity.
“Well, Ah actually wanted to thank ya for what you did with Granny Smith’s chair. She said it’s better now than before. How can Ah pay you?”
“Oh, there’s no need for that. You don’t have to pay me for a favor.”
“Then at least let me give ya something.” AJ scratched her chin as she thought of something. “Ah know, ah’ll ask Granny to bake you one of her magnificent Apple pies. Ah’d bake it mahself, but it wouldn’t be as good as one of hers.”
“You don’t really-”
“Ah won’t take no for an answer. We apples owe ya one for that favor.”
Alice was about to keep saying there was no need for that when Rarity leaned close to her. “Accept her offer, she’s serious when she says she won’t take a no for an answer,” she whispered. “And, if you aren’t a big fan of apple pies, I could help you with that. Granny Smith’s pies are just so exquisite.” She finished with a wink.
“Ummm, okay, I will accept your offer, Applejack.”
“Perfect, Ah’ll pass by the boutique tomorrow to give you the pie, so-”
“AAAgggghhh, I’m really hungry right now, and all this talk about pies is not helping it!” Rainbow shouted before banging her face against the table.
“Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash, here comes Fluttershy to the rescue.” Twilight bobbed her head in the direction of the cottage.
Fluttershy was walking in their direction with a few dishes balanced on her back and wings. Three of Fluttershy’s animal friends helped her carry the other dishes. With the lunch set over the table, Fluttershy thanked her animal friends for the help and promised to make something special for them. She then walked around and sat right next to Twilight.
“Fluttershy, this all looks so delicious.” Twilight said before nuzzling Fluttershy lovingly. “You should have let me help you.”
“Ah have to thank Fluttershy for not allowing you help. Cooking’s not exactly your strong suit.” Applejack gave a bite to her salad.
“Hey, I’m getting better. Right, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy looked down to her plate. “Emmm, we should start eating before it gets cold.”
“How can a salad get cold? You’re avoiding my question.” Twilight pouted while the others around laughed.
Alice was about to start her dish when she remembered that Pinkie Pie was tied. “Umm, shouldn’t we untie Pinkie?” She asked.
“Not a chance.” Applejack answered. “Apparently, Pinkie ate five bags of candies this mornin’. If we untie her, she’ll start jumpin’ around and won’t let us eat. It took me a lot of time to catch her the first time.”
“But, how will she eat if she is all tied…” Alice stopped as she saw that Pinkie had already finished her dish and was now shaking dangerously on her seat. “Umm, never mind.”
They continued having a light chat while eating. Rainbow was the least talkative from them, but never failed to say something with a mouth full. Twilight and Fluttershy fed each other for a moment, when Fluttershy was sure no one was looking in their direction. They all finally finished and Pinkie seemed to calm down, so Applejack untied her.
While the others went to chase after Pinkie Pie, Rarity turned to look at Alice, and saw that the earth pony had a bit of sauce under her lip. Rarity grabbed a napkin, not with her magic, but with her mouth, and cleaned Alice in a second before the others came back and tied Pinkie again. They continued their conversation, jumping from topic to topic, while a flushed Alice played with her hooves.
While the others were chatting, Alice managed to feel it. The love in the air, but there were different levels of love. First, there was the friendly love, a testament of the link Rarity and her friends shared. Then, there was the love Rarity’s friends showed to Alice. It was just a small amount of affection, but that was because they hadn’t known her for long. After that, came the love between Fluttershy and Twilight. A love so big and strong, so warm and gentle.
And finally, there was the love that Rarity felt for Alice. It wasn’t as strong as the one between Fluttershy and Twilight, but it was stronger than the love Rarity felt for the others. This was the first time Alice noticed this.
‘I think… Does she...’ Alice thought. She felt really happy right now. Never in her life had she thought this possible. Of course, she knew that Rarity still didn’t love her as much as she loved her. But it was like Rarity was trying to keep in line her emotions, trying to come to therms with them before doing anything. Alice could feel it. It would be a matter of time for Rarity to let her feelings run free, and Alice would wait as long as needed. Time she wouldn't have.
The peace around them got disturbed as the group managed to hear a few shouts at the distance. “What’s that?” Rainbow asked.
The shouts got stronger and clearer, “Princess Twilight!” Kept shouting a small group of ponies. Twilight and her friends moved away from the table and were about to run to the front of the cottage when a soldier of the royal guard, followed by two unicorns, showed at the corner.
Alice hadn't had any problems with the few guards that remained in Ponyville. But for some reason, after looking at the sudden appearance of this three guards, her body started to shake.
“What’s happening.” Twilight asked.
“Princess, is good to see that you are fine. We were looking for you all around the town.”
“Fine? Why wouldn’t I be fine?”
“Princess, there might be a possibility that the…” The guard trailed off as his eyes met Alice’s. Without giving much thought, he shouted his orders. “There it is! Seize her!” Alice was frightened, but had no time to react as the two unicorns quickly moved to the front and used their magic to create a magic sphere that would keep locked Alice until they stopped. They lifted the sphere and moved it away from the group.
“You brutes! What are you doing to her?! Let her go.” Rarity shouted as she ran to the sphere and tried to open it with her own magic. Alice had tried to break free from her prison, but quickly found it to be an impossible task, and turned in a shaking ball of fur.
“What’s the meaning of these? Let her go!” Twilight said with full authority in her voice.
The guard shook his head. “We can’t do that, my princess. That thing is dangerous.”
“That thing? You are talking about Alice!” Shouted Rainbow. “She’s a pony, not a thing, and she isn’t dangerous! So let her go!”
The guard looked at the group. Rainbow and Twilight were glaring at him, that while Applejack had moved to try and help Rarity free Alice. Fluttershy was hiding behind a tied Pinkie Pie. He moved his hoof and looked for something that he had kept in his armor. He threw a few papers on the ground and pointed at them.
“This is the documentation from the incident that happened in Canterlot one year ago.”
“The incident? You mean…”
“The changeling invasion.” he moved a few papers. “Here is a list of the ponies that went missing after the invasion.”
“What does that have to do with Alice?” Asked Rainbow while Twilight grabbed the list and started to read it.
“According to this,” Twilight started. “Alice is one of the ponies that went missing one year ago.” She looked up at the guard. “So? I don’t see why you are treating her like this.” She stomped one hoof to the ground. “Explain yourself, or let her go right now.”
The guard took one deep breath. “Princess, why is a pony that went missing a year ago doing here? According to the papers, she has a home and a workshop in Canterlot. Why leave that behind?”
“She probably got scared when the invasion started and escaped.”
“But why not come back?”
“She no longer felt that Canterlot was a good place to live!” Twilight was getting annoyed.
The guard kept silent for a moment. Then he looked at Alice with venomous eyes. “Let me take another route. When did she appeared here in this town?”
Twilight wasn’t sure what this had to do with the incident of a year ago. “Almost a week ago.” She answered.
“Around the same time that you decided to stay here, when you started your relationship with miss Fluttershy.”
“What does that have to do?”
“Everything. Your highness, you think it was just coincidence that a pony that went missing a year ago, during the changeling invasion, appeared right after you decided to stay here? After you found love?”
Twilight gave some thought to this, and an idea started to form in her head. Something clicked in her brain. “You can’t mean… That’s ridiculous.”
“What is ridiculous?” Rainbow asked, she couldn't follow what they were saying.
“This “pony” shows up when the princess decides to stay here. Short after, There was a little accident during a party in Sugarcube Corner. The blond pegasus that out from nowhere got sick. It wasn’t some common sickness that she experimented, I now recognize it, it was like she had been drained from something. Ponies said that that pegasus got sick after her contact with “Alice Sawyer”.” He looked at the two unicorns that were holding the sphere. Rarity was trying to push them away, but wasn't strong enough.
“My conclusion is these. The pony named Alice Sawyer no longer exists. A changeling that was present during the invasion, somehow got word that the Princess Twilight Sparkle was here. The changeling took the form of a pony it knew no longer was alive, and managed to get close to steal the princess love, a way to get their revenge for their failure.”
“THAT’S NOT TRUE!!” Rarity, that had managed to hear what the guard said, shouted, not believing a single word.
"Princess, I know there's a chance I could be wrong, but there exist the possibility. If I'm wrong and she's not a changeling, I will make up for that. But if she's..."
Twilight gave some thought to this, then walked up to Rarity. She wanted to agree with her friend, but her mind just didn’t stop thinking of something. “Two days ago, I met Alice. She told me she was leaving. We talked, and during that, I told her that there weren’t soldiers guarding me now.”
Rarity locked eyes with Twilight. “So?”
“This is also a conclusion, but what if she had decided to stay because she now knew there weren’t going to be much problem to complete her mission.” Twilight paused for a moment. “She has been spending a lot of time with you. What if she got close to you to get easier access to me?”
“That… That’s stupid. There’s not proof of something like that, its just a bunch of conjectures. She is a pony. She is my friend!”
“There’s a way to solve this. To see if I’m wrong, and I wish I am.” Twilight got closer to the magic sphere. “I will use the same spell my brother used in the wedding, the barrier that got rid of the changelings. If she’s a pony, the spell will pass her like nothing. If she’s a changeling…”
Everyone kept silent. Their full attention on Twilight, with the exception of Rarity, that was looking at Alice, a few tears forming in her eyes.
Alice was still shaking, she had no idea what was happening outside, as the spell surrounding her made it impossible for any noise to come in. But she knew one thing, as her gaze fell over Rarity. “It’s all over.”
Twilight started to cast the spell. Magic gathered in her horn and then she released it. A small magic barrier appeared around her. It got bigger, passing over Rarity that was next to her, then the royal guards, then her friends. Alice felt the barrier touch her and push her, until she was pressed against the sphere.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Alice shouted as she was getting crushed between the barrier and the sphere. The pain was so great that she couldn’t keep her disguise up any longer. The sphere spell collapsed at the same time green flames engulfed the earth pony inside. Alice passed out and fell to the floor, the barrier had now disappeared.
Everyone was silent. They all had formed an idea of what could happen, but none was prepared to what they saw. It wasn’t just another changeling, it was...
“She is…” Applejack started in a shaky voice. “Is that… Chrysalis?”
No, she wasn’t and everyone around knew it. Obviously, this changeling looked a lot like the changeling Queen they all met and defeated. The resemblance was udeniable, but this one was smaller, with a lighter tone of mane and blue eyes. She was also missing half of one of her translucent wings.
Rainbow wings unfurled to their utmost, her face covered by an expression of complete anger. “So it’s all true. She was planning to steal Twilight’s love. Everything was a plan to get her revenge for the failure of… her mom?”
Alice started to gain consciousness again. She looked up, most of the ponies around her had an expression she had seen countless of times, hate. Rarity was one of the few that didn’t had that expression. Instead, her face only showed pain.
“You… you were using me.” She said, barely stronger than a whisper, as tears fell to the floor.
Alice wanted to say that it wasn’t like that, but she still hadn’t recovered from almost getting crushed. She should be slowly recovering, but she couldn't help to feel weaker with each second.
“You monster!” Rarity ran from the place.
Stats
Page generated in 0.039 seconds
Total duration
1,099 users online
1,858,247 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Working on the next chapter YET!!!
3783063 Yes, and I hope to have it finished before the end of the week.
Aside from the comma splice (you can't join two complete sentences with a comma), this just feels wrong. It makes Rarity feel like a cardboard cut-out because almost no native English speaker would use that phrasing and never unless they were using it as a slightly less formally-structured version of "You are a changeling. Therefore, you are a monster.")
It completely destroys whatever note you were trying to end the chapter on. (Partly because it just leaves me feeling very confused about what Rarity was supposed to be feeling at that point.)
First, "You are a changeling" simply doesn't fit, given what she's already said. (It's as if you had a character react to someone murdering a fellow soldier, and then panicking because he's holding a gun)
The common pattern which you seem to be following is an observation followed by a reaction. “You… you were using me.” is an observation, so “You are a changeling, you are a monster.” makes it feel like "Observation, Observation, Conclusion" rather than "Observation, Reaction". (I say "Conclusion" rather than "Reaction" because the last bit of dialogue feels too calm and formal for the way Rarity is behaving.)
While I'm not sure what you were going for, the most obvious improvement would be to simply have her last bit of dialogue be "You monster." That's how a native English speaker would say it when they're not at all calm.
Also, I strongly suggest finding someone who can help you refine that scene. Even with my suggestion, her behaviour could still use some fleshing out to really make the scene ring true and I'm not very good at that.
(In fact, to be honest, as soon as the guards arrived, it felt like the writing quality took a nosedive, becoming flat and formulaic, so I'd recommend finding a beta for all of that.)
I knew she wasn't chrysalis
So, finally, we get to the real meat and potatoes of the pony/changeling dramas. Into a dark cell she goes! Now it's up to Rarity and some internal character development.
3784224
The editor missed a few grammatical errors as well but it's exciting to finally find out who Alice really is. Er, well, what she is. We still don't know who she is really besides a passing resemblance to Chrysalis (and I'll resist making any mini-me jokes).
"Rarity was one of the few that didn't had that expression." is one sentence and "Instead, her face only showed pain." is another.
Use either "Rarity was one of the few that didn’t had that expression; instead, her face only showed pain."
or "Rarity was one of the few that didn’t had that expression. Instead, her face only showed pain."
Both of these state past-tense twice.
Change appeared to appear and change had to have.
This is a question and it needs a question mark.
Nuuuuuuu!