The Legend of Dash Ketchum

by Bradel

A Wild Ride

Dash Ketchum slunk through the tall, wavy grass of the fields outside of Ponyville with her new pokomen Spikachu at her side. Her eyes were limpid burgundy orbs of feirce passion and hot-bloodedness, because she was going to be the best wonderbolt trainer that there ever was, and to catch them all was her true cause. And there, inf ront of her was a new pokeman she could catch.

It was a pingey!
The rainbow-haired pegasus trainer launched a pokeman-catching ball at the little creature, and for a moment, part of her heart regretted her actions because all creatures should be free, especially the cute ones like birds, but she hardened her heart against that sort of thinking and threw anyway, and the ball sallied through the air and hit...

A SPEAROW!

“Aww, fuck! What are you, a fool!?” asked Spikachu. “I thought you could throw better than that, you pansy-ass dickbacg.”

“Hush, Spikachu! I don’t think the pidgey saw us, so maybe we can try again,” ejaculated the blue-winged pokemon master. But the spearow had other ideas! It sqwacked a mighty squack and jumped into the sky, spotting Dash Ketchum in a heart beat. It quacked again, and this time Spikachu got scared.

“Oh shit. Shit shit shit. You fucking moron, Rainbow. It has friends, and it’s a damn sight higher level than you, you stupid pegasus.” Because Spikachu could speak the language of the pokemans, and he understood what Spearow had sqwacked. “Now it’s going to fuicking kill us!!” He said.

“Ohmigosh, run! cried the purple-eyes mare, and she suited her words to action, leaping into the air and running for the cover of a nearby corpse of trees. Spikacho ran behind her, his little legs pumping like the pistons of some great and terrible machine. But they were too slow! The Spearow overtook them and pecked at Dash Katchum’s ear as it flew past them. Then another spearow overran them and pecked at the hornless pegasus’s flank, where her cutie mark showed a rainbow lightling bolt for her awesomeness – in exactly the same shape as the Canterlot Gym Badge she’d coveted ever since she was a filly and she first learned the ways of the pokemon masters. The gym was the best and strongest of all the gyms, and it was ruled over by the terrible Applebrock, a fierce and fiery tyrant whose pokemans were the best in all Equestria, or that was what Dash Ketchum’s mom, Mrs. Ketchum always said.

“Why the hell did you have to fuck witht he spearow tribe, Dash! Damn!” Spikachu was bruised all over now, and the trees were still a long ways away. Dash pulled up and waited for a moment, and Spikachu caught up with her, and she threw the yellow dragon lizard on her back with a whump. Lilac bolts of power coruscated over his soft flesh, and he writed in pain, but now the rainbow-tailed trainer could go faster, and she did. Still, the spearows kept attacking them like giant birds pecking as they flew by.

But up ahead, a mysterious figure galloped out of the woods and threw a bomb at the spearows, and they got scared and flew away. “Hey there, Dash Ketchum! It looks like you need some help!” The new arrival laughed deeply.

“Misty Pie! What are you doing hear!?” Dash Ketchum pulled to a stop, staring at her old friend with worried orbs of lavender lucidity.

Comments

[Blue_Paladin42]

[Blue_Paladin42]

What's this, only misspellings in dialog??

Don't half-ass things, go hard or go home!

[Blue_Paladin42]

2849792
I think you might be getting too into this troll-fic idea....

[Bradel]

I don't think this is something I've attempted before. I'm also not sure how it's going to work for an open reading. There are progressively more spelling errors as I got more into the spirit of things, but I wound up going with Bulwer-Lytton / Eye of Argon style badfic with plain awful randomness more than Legolas by Laura.

Which is an experience when read aloud. Seriously. Let me put up the link.

[bookplayer]

I'm so glad this was your first story posted as an EqD prereader. You show 'em how it's done, Bradel!

Seriously, this is an awesome troll fic. I do think you might need to clean up the language for the panel, it has to be PG-13.

[Bradel]

2849817 I'm a bit worried about that, yes. I put a comment on Applejinx blog asking about just that concern. I think I'll probably just bleep Spike out if it's not going to work that way.

Unless anyone has better suggestions?

[Unimportant]

You were right, this really is pure, unadulterated awful.

Well done.

[Applejinx]

But is it awful ENOUGH? And yes, the language won't work. Did you see what bookplayer did? Do more like this

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/184144/my-second-less-interesting-post-of-the-day

bookplayer came up with the SECOND most horrific entry so far. It really is not easy to do...

[Bradel]

2850644 No, it's really not.

I don't know if I'm willing to do a whole lot more than bleep out the language, sadly. It was hard enough to put this together, and I think it may have ruined my ability to pre-read for the day. I'm having a hard time looking at much anything and not imagining that it's intentional badfic now.

Incidentally, that's intended as a comment on my headspace, not on the quality of what I'm reading for EQD.

I think I kind of suck at this.

[PresentPerfect]

Obviously, there needs to be more of this.

[Applejinx]

2850681
Oh, don't hurt yourself with it! It will be fine. Even if I wasn't judging, I don't think I could possibly do this sort of thing. I can read it with great seriousness and authoritativeness but I can't write it for beans

We'll do fine. Consider it part of the great strangeness of life that people do this

[Web of Hope]

I want someone to do this in G-mod, Full Life Consequences style...

[Blue_Paladin42]

2851372
No......
I see it now.
She is LANCE.

[Web of Hope]

2850723
I realize this is probably not the appropriate place to ask this, but when is the reading going to be done, and who will be allowed to participate?

[SIGAWESOME]

Oh my...
If I see the word "limpid" one more time, I think I will scream. <shudder>
Great. Now I am torn. Do I upvote this or downvote this as a good example of bad writing?

A few silly, unsolicited suggestions:
1. Why not use the "standard" Brony bowdlerizations for the swearing?
fuck = buck
shit = horseapples
god damn it = Celestia banish it

2. No HiE or self-insert? It may be too late to add that into the story at this point, but -- Wait. What am I saying? Go ahead and slam a sloppily written chapter or three with some humans and a self-intsert alicorn (add more "limpid" in for good measure) into the mix. Run this story's plot into the ground and piddle on its remains.

3. Dash Ketchum needs to break/loose her wings.

[Applejinx]

2851397
Midnight at Bronycon, Friday night—and all comers are allowed to read (I think it's a plus panel, though, so it's 18+)

If there are many readers (and not just listeners) we will be super strict about not making mistakes!

[Web of Hope]

2852917
sounds like a party
I will be there if at all possible (consciousness allowing)

[Fallflower]

what the heck is with the photo I mean really that's a Insult to Ash

[ORPHANEDACCOUNT]

Please tell me you've read "My Immortal", the infamously bad Harry Potter fanfic.

[Bradel]

4053469
Bits of it, though if you're a fan, you should really check out Horizon's "My Harshwhinnial"!

[ORPHANEDACCOUNT]

4053535
Yeah, I had figured. It's actually become a joke between my friends and I to replace the adjectives in a story with limpid. Thanks for the recommendation, I'll be sure to check it out!

[Bradel]

2849713
So I was on this story's page again because reasons (Horizon and I were discussing least-read stories by certain authors on DuncanR's blog), and I have to say...

I think this comment (and the upvotes it got) may be the single happiest I've felt about any comment I've gotten on Fimfiction, so thank you!

[Blue_Paladin42]

5287871

Glad to have given you a smile!

[Blue_Paladin42]

5287871
Frankly, looking back at this, even I kind of giggle at it, and it was my own comment.

...Is that horribly narcissistic?

[Bradel]

5288618
Certainly no more narcissistic than my favorite comment on all my stories being Obi-Wan shouting, "You were the chosen one!"