In Equestria, humans serve the ruling pony class. Their lack of magic makes it near impossible to survive on their own, and so they depend on their rulers to protect and help them, and put a roof over their heads. But on Earth, and in many other solar systems, their strength is the pinnacle of hope, as they assist those they can in their frantic search for the ones who came before.
Near the edge of the humans' empire, The USSF Monarch stumbles upon Pony kind on Tango 126, one of the many targets during their hunt for the Precursors. Their curiosity is peaked, and John Punch, a high ranking Elite, is sent in disguised as one of the many Human occupants on the planet, to learn of their culture, and the Precursors' presence on this planet.
Now the respected veteran must face the social challenges of being thrust into a gender reversed, pony dominated society.
I like this. Will I suspect a grand revolution?
Wait no going in guns a blazeing HUMANS JOIN ARE EMPIRE
awsome!
please write more i like
This gona be good! Can't waite for the next chapter. I wonder what will he do? Blend in like a spy? Slowely sabotage the hole humans are weak picture what most of the ponys whant for the humans to be seen? Will he assimilate the humans into the greate human empire? The overlord is a actualy retard magnet? Nobody knows. .... Well only Pinki but hey it's Pinki.
But but but?!???
ARGHHH
I dont like this, Not one damn bit, I want them to walk in their and demand answers like the Human he is. But I suppose the baddassery will have to wait till latter. But there better be some damn conflicts.
...
The are a couple-
Okay, several plot errors. I don't live in the future.
And I can't see in the future. But you would expect from the international space exploration branch to be a bit more patient.
Why didn't they launch some sattelites around the planet?
Why didn't they do a premature scan. I mean, what if the planet suffered weekly tremors or thunderstorms.
AND WHY THE FUCK DID HE GO INTO FLUTTERSHYS HOUSE, WHEN HE CLEARLY SAW THAT HUMAN BEINGS ARE TREATED LIKE FUCKING PET-I'm gonna go now, hope you have fun and fame.
i'm willing to give this a shot
2866192
Satellites are expensive. The ship is already there.
and he was being chased by a timber wolf. He didn't WANT to go to Fluttershy's.
Lee is a first time captain. He was taught tactics, but never how to initiate first contact, He's a supply ship commander that got a lucky break.
2867611
The comedy tag is there due to John's general attitude and the rather odd situations he will face due to the differences in culture. When dark stuff starts to happen I will add that tag.
After all, you don't think they frolicked and had picnics on Tango 214 do you? Punch has terrible nightmares about that mission...and Luna makes sure dreams aren't private...
I would just like to say something about speeds at the beginning that a mach 12 cruising speed isn't enough for interstellar travel.
Other than that issue about speed this is looking to be a well done story.
2867762
oops...sorry about that.
Yeah there was a part where they opened up a wormhole, and used that to reduce the distance they needed to travel. Although it seems that was cut out.
The ship does however 'rematerialize,' implying this happened. Thanks for the heads up. I'll pay closer attention next time.
Lol, I would love to see the ponies reaction when they find out how much more advanced the humans are then them.
Oh I can just imagine Twilight's reaction to his rifle alone!
This is interesting...I would like to see how this plays out
As far as know this is an original concept. not the best written, but original.
I look foreward to your next chapter.
2868063 ha!
Imagine the humans when they find out about magic!
2872512
They've been to hundreds of planets before..how do you know they haven't seen magic before?
2872156
How can I improve my writing?
That's partially the reason I wanted to write here in the first place. What can I do to improve?
2872156
It's been done before.
2873060
Heh, you remind me of myself when I began to write here, and I started for the same reasons, might I add.
PM me if you need help.
2874344
Who wrote it!?
What am I doing wasting time replying for!?
When did it get published?
Where can I find it?
Why is it not already on my favs?
How often is it updated?
To what extent is it well written?
(wow. to the observant: I guess I paid more attention in English class then I thought)
2873060 Just try to pay a bit more attention to detail.... umm think carefully about how an advanced race of humans may think and act differently compared to the (basically) enslaved primitive humans.
Not all of the primitive humans(let's call them Pumans for giggles)
Will be unhappy with their current life. I can only hope that you will portray some ponies as kind and not too demanding of the Pumans.
....I'm not the best critic sometimes, and other times I'm a great critic.... sorry, not looking so great now...
Anyway.. If I think of anything else while reading the chapters to come I will tell you.
Admittedly, I raised a few eyebrows at the sciency stuffs. Technobabbles are fine and dandy to do away with troublesome physical impossibilities and leaning towards soft SF is by no mean problematic (dang, you've got magic-wielding ponies here, it's hard to call BS on things), but an appropriate amount and attentiveness of details is also crucial. For example, a 500,000-strong spaceship would have severe logistic, structural, maintenance hurdles to overcome - if it cannot be reasonably and curtly explained away in the story, then it might be better to leave it vague or tone it down a bit. Mach as a measure of speed is relative to sound speed in the medium, and would change non-linearly with the altitude, so in formal practice dimensional unit like SI units is used. As there is no medium in space to speak of, there is no mach number in space. And of course, two months are already a very short duration for a conventional space journey with just a few guys; but you have wormholes, so I guess it's alright then: it's just a reminder of the very vastness of space. In the end, technical details are needed as much as the story demands, if it helps with your narrative, add it; otherwise omitting it wouldn't be a bad idea.
Story-wise, I'd say the first contact is a little haphazardly arranged, and I find it strange that an entity capable of organizing half-a-million people would rely on such a lone-ranger typed mission to establish contact; I'd expect more careful observation, planning, non-invasive probing, etc. But then prompt story action is probably more interesting for some, and the current arrangement does make for a basic one-protagonist framework for readers to easily, habitually follow through. So no real harm done here.
Liked, for I'm quite interested in the potential dynamic between the human groups and more in-depth description of the mixed pony society (failing that, some glorious blasting and carpet-bombing is also "nice" to watch.) ; personally, I think weighing in other native races e.g. diamond dogs, zebras, buffalos will spice things up even more. I'd keep an eye on this.
2880784
Holy feed back...
Well I thank you for your interest and feed back. Well I know what you're saying about the speed of sound and it's variability, in terms of this fic, the speed of sound used for measuring of speed for space ships is being compared to sound at sea level, so it can be used as a constant unit of measure. Not the most practical way to do it, but it works none the less. I suppose I could have made that more clear...
As for the first contact, the mission wasn't supposed to be lone ranger, John broke protocol, and didn't follow orders fully. Lee had specifically told him to assemble a team, and then go about first contact. He did assemble the team, but he didn't go down with them, electing rather, to go down on his own. (That's the way I justified it anyways,) He was supposed to just get an idea of what goes on, and come back to the ship, but the problem was the Monarch thinks there's a downed ship, or there was some time ago. They're taking drastic measures in order to find out as quickly as possible, what humans are doing on this planet.
I will definitely be using your idea of interactions with diamond dogs, and other such creatures, and I will make their views on humanity differ, as to add versatility.
Thank you very much for your feed back, I love comments like yours.
(You will, of course, be credited for the idea of differing views on humanity in other non pony culture(s).)
let the human revolution begin.
2883161 Revolution!!! yes!!!
2881079
Glad that you didn't find my wall-of-text too tedious to read! Hell, I'd fav this now so I don't need to keep checking back for updates. As to your last remark, it'd be even more interesting if the other races aren't monolithic as a whole (e.g. make it so that not all griffons are brutish and Iron-and-Blood-type of character, etc.).
lol Mach 12 for inter stellar travel...
space shuttles alone reach 17,500 MPH to get into orbit (bout mach 23) :3
2884857
They opened a wormhole and flew a over 150 tons through it at mach 12...
2884904 Is the 150 ton thing the ship in the cover pic? Pft, I hope not
I hope we get to see more power armor badassery.
I'm also hoping that we get to see the humans give the ponies a reason to not enslave us.
Perhaps just a small orbital bombardment of Canterlot? Nothing much, just enough to demonstrate who's the superior race here. >:D
Dat description
I'm tossing this in my read later box only because there is not enough words in it yet to start reading. Normally I'll start reading an incomplete fanfic with a minimum of 20-30k words.
Cheers
2886018 It sounds like the humans initiated the relationship? There was like one sentence that implied that.
The ponies probably consider them pets. Like the sheep in Applejack's gulag.
2891101
Yeah that's true, the humans did initiate it. Doesn't mean there shouldn't be an uprising.
At least, in my own opinion.
2867670
What.
Are you declaring jihad against a fictional pony world.
What.
2873060
Sorry, but your writing is bad; I can't read any more of this. Have you thought about getting an editor? The concept is fairly interesting, but the execution is what really matters.
2891311
Yeah, I'm looking for one, my search isn't going well though.
And thanks for being upfront about the reason you dislike the story.
Can you tell me how to improve the writing though? Does this lack description? Is it simple spelling/grammar errors? Give me something to work with.
whens the next chapter coming out?
2892459
It's comments like this that keep me going.
It's at about 1k words right now, and I haven't got an editor. I want it to be around roughly 2-4k words before release. That should be easy though, considering what's happened in that chapter so far. Basically, I don't know, unless I get a editor it could take some time... so yeah
SPOILER(quick sneak peak. Because everyone loves sneak peaks.)
---
As Luna stared at the now empty sky, she began wondering if she had somehow offended, or scared it’s inhabitants.
‘But why didn’t the other one fly away then’
“I’m going to need help with this...” muttered the princess.
As soon as the words left her mouth, the female voice came back on.
“Assistance request noted. What can I help you with?”
As the voice spoke, a smile spread across Luna’s face. “I wish to know who you are!” said the princess excitedly
“I am an artificial intelligence, designated Cygnus-X1. I am commonly referred to as ‘Sexy’ by John Punch” dead panned the computer.
“Sexy?"
'What a vulgar nickname...'
"Where are you? I wish to speak to you in person.”
“I am housed in compact data unit four on John Punch’s personal fighter, ‘The Veteran’.”
“Can you take me there?” Asked Luna, a twinge of hope in her voice.
“Negative. You are too large. You are not a data packet.”
Luna, flabbergasted at the being’s gall, opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, the ground began to shake, and a loud rumbling was heard.
Luna quickly looked around, and saw the source of the noise. Another building was descending from the sky. The building stopped a few hundred feet in the air, and something fell out of it. As it plummeted towards the ground, the princess recognized the shape. It fit the the description of the creatures her royal guards had notified her of.
About halfway into the fall, the building the creature had fallen from began to ascend above the clouds.
A second later, a torrent of blue flames slowed the creatures’ decent, and it landed rather close to Luna with a metallic clang. Once the dust had cleared, the creature could be seen sitting in the rather small depression in the ground.
It then began to rise, and walk towards the Lunar Princess.
I like this idea, I like you.
Please continue.
2894911
With the multiverse, there's at least one world filled with nothing but rape, torture, and people who talk in the theater. And what does the multiverse have to do with string theory?!
Please continue, this story is amazing so far!
NEED.
MOAR.
NOW!
July, month of the death of the greatest fictions
3089748
It's not dead, I'm editor hunting. And it's not going well.
ARE THERE ANY EDITORS HERE? PREFERABLY ONES WITH A LOT OF FREE TIME?
2893444
PLEASE PLEASE MORE!
I LONG WAIT FOR A FAN FIC WITH THIS CONCEPT!
LET THE PONIES KNOW THE SUPERIOR RACE!
But still, I hope he keeps hiding his secret. The longer the conclusion the better the reaction when they find out they just enslaved a portion of the human race.
Of which by the way those ULTRA high technologically advance humans there. In their 150 ton starship. That could also destroy your entire "planet" if they so wish too. Don't take too kindly to that.
Still the whole secret agent thing really makes me want to read more.
Hurry with the damn update :3
I like the idea of pinkie, because they get along, but also rarity because there's a chance where he could slip up and everyone would know about the giant space ship.
Pinkie Please
I would find it funny if showed how smart he is and outsmart everpony in town when it comes to stuff like math and science.
Or he can say he doesn't work for anyone get rushed by animal control or guards, whatever is in town and quickly knock them unconscious with his hand to hand combat skills and be immune to Fluttershy's stare, and then finally starting a human uprising against the pony oppressors. Also I vote for pinkie.