Complaints Department

by TheDarkStarCzar

Professional-ish Help

Strange adventures, and getting wet, and carrying on alone and that sort of thing are all very well, but they're not comfortable in the long run.

-Starswirl the Bearded, from a prehistory of the Equestrian nation

After a harrowing trip as unbalanced and unsecured cargo, more terifying than any mere carnival amusement, they were at Derpy's house. She stepped in and set down the hoarsely panting crate with surprising care, found Dinky on the couch and hugged her.

"Mommy! Did you find all kinds of good things to eat? Carrot Top gave me two banana nut muffins and I know how much you like them so I saved one for you." The pale lavender unicorn filly exclaimed laughingly, then cocked her head, "Hey, what's in the box?"

"Now mommy can't show you right now. Why don't you go in your room and color for a bit?" Derpy said and Dinky disappointedly went into her room, only to peek back out almost immediately. Her mother turned to scold her but she'd already slipped back out of sight. She walked over and shut the door to Dinky's room then opened the crate back up. Apple Bloom was curled within in an unnatural and painful looking position.

She wriggled her way upright and shook her way out of the crate. Ignoring the filly's accusatory death stare, Derpy gestured that she should follow her and they went into Derpy's bedroom. From beneath the neatly made, but shortsheeted and swaybacked bed, she pulled an old wooden box, glossy from wear and abuse. Within were all manner of little baubles, letters, certificates, medals and bits of cloth. Wrapped in a ragged piece of fine gold silk was a scroll case and within it, a scroll which bore the royal seal, the wax of which was starting to crumble with age. Derpy gingerly unrolled it and hoofed it to Apple Bloom to read.

Dear Miss Hooves,

I find myself quite moved by your plight. Indeed it is a severe hindrance not to know the deeper message and meaning behind one's cutiemark. Often it seems that a pony would pursue their true destiny even if they were not given a cutiemark and, in the longterm, one hopes that it proves to be true in your case as well.

I have researched the subject on your behalf and while there are numerous tomes purporting to know the special meanings and hidden messages held in our cutiemarks, (I find them of dubious merit, as a whole.) there are but a few that make any mention of how, precisely, they come about. In short, if you were to come upon a 'complaints department' as you were asking about, you would be the first one I've known of to have done so.

While I'm certain this answer is less satisfying an answer than you are after, it's all I have to answer with just now. If I find some further information I will be certain to pass it along forthwith.

Sincerely,
HRH, Princess Celestia

Apple Bloom reread the letter three times before relinquishing it to Derpy, "So, then, you don't know what your cutie mark means?"

"Nope. That's why I wrote to the Princess. There has to be something I'm good at, but I don't know what job to take because I don't know my density." Derpy admitted, "I hope someday I'll find a job that I'm good at and then I'll know what the bubbles mean."

"Don't you know what you were doing when you got your cutiemark?" Apple Bloom asked.

"I was at camp. Nopony knew me well enough to know if I had my cutiemark or not, so when I got it, I guess nopony noticed. It could have been days before I found out. I traced my steps and tried to figure it out from that, but nothing seemed to fit." Derpy shrugged, "It wasn't a very nice camp anyway, it was dirty, I got bug bites and everypony made fun of me, but the next year I got to go to Junior Speedster's camp. That's where I met Rainbow Dash. Even though she gets pretty mad at me sometimes, she's still my best...second best friend."

Apple Bloom scrunched her face in concentration, "So I guess we both need to find this complaints department, but I ain't got the slightest idea where to start."

"I know where I have to start. I have to get Carrot Top to look after Dinky while we're gone." Derpy said and excused herself to go track down her best friend. Apple Bloom was left in her house, alone and in abject boredom, so she plucked the Ponyville directory from the bookshelf and started flipping through it in hopes of finding an answer. Between 'detectors (jewel)' and 'disc jockeys' she found one.

The frosted glass in the door to the second story office had been neatly lettered, 'Pie Investigations' and it swung into a waiting room in which Pinkie Pie sat behind a slim desk, wearing a blazer and pillbox hat. She was bereft of her usual smile as she assessed the two ponies before her. It looked as if she was gauging their status and ability to pay and found it, rightly, lacking. "I suppose you're the three o'clock? I'll see if the detective is in." Pinkie pushed a button on her desk, "Your three o'clock is here. What? No they look pretty scruffy to me. No, I'd say this looks like pro bono work to me. You want I should amscray the bums? You sure? Alright. Your lookout, mac. So long as my paycheck ain't made of rubber it's no skin of my muzzle." Pinkie warily turned her attention back to Derpy and Apple Bloom, "You can go on in."

Inside the detective's office, lit by one bare bulb that swayed slowly, propelled by the gyrations of the ceiling fan, was Pinkie Pie. Apple Bloom walked back out and found the secretary's desk was now unoccupied, which was both surprising and un at the same time. Behind the massive teak desk with it's battered metal undercarriage, Pinkie sat wearing a fedora atop her poofy mane and a stern, no-nonsense attitude. When she spoke it was terse and hard boiled, wholly unlike the Pinkie Pie she'd known.

"Well, if it isn't Dixie Lee Doohan, in the flesh." Pinkie Pie tilted her fedora back and dropped it, the barest facsimile of a chivalrous gesture, "Who's the kid?"

"Oh, hi Pinkie, I brought Apple Bloom, but don't tell anypony." Derpy replied. She considered correcting Pinkie about her name but was fearful of correcting a pony who'd been listed as the best P.I.(e) in Ponyville's business directory. It might turn out that she knew more than Derpy on the matter and then she'd be stuck going through life with a nickname like Dixie Doo, or something of the sort, after she'd finally gotten used to Derpy.

"Listen dame, I know plenty well enough who the doll is, she runs with that gang of fillies terrorizing the streets after dark." Pinkie's eyes narrowed in appraisal of the little Apple, "Didn't you used to belong to the Apple cartel? What're you doing going around with Miss Doohan here. Dame's trouble and I should know from trouble, trouble's my mother's maiden name."

"Derpy's try'n'ta help me with my cutie mark. We're hoping we can find whoever's in charge of'em." Apple Bloom ignored Pinkie's ostensibly bad opinion of Derpy, the Crusaders and Sweet Apple Acres, as she was fairly certain it was part of the detective act. Often a pony had to give Pinkie Pie a lot of leeway and Apple Bloom didn't want to be the one to jinx it if she could possibly find out anything.

"Kid, I can't help you get a cutie mark, nothing but time and elbow grease can do that and if you aren't willing to put those into the process then you're wasting both of our time." Pinkie said.

"Oh, but she got her cutiemark and there's something wrong with it. We need to see about getting it changed," Derpy smiled brightly, "and while we're there I was hoping I could find out what mine's supposed to mean."

"Got her cutiemark? You don't say?" Pinkie knit her brows, "Well what makes you think I can do anything for you? Maybe you should ask Twilight or write to the Princess. I think this kind of thing might be above my pay grade."

"Oh that's okay, we don't have any money to pay you anyway." Derpy replied with a shamed chuckle.

"Why am I not surprised?" Pinkie icily said.

"I've got thirty seven bits that I've been saving up from Hearth's Warming money and doin' chores. I'll get some more, I promise." Apple Bloom pled, "Hey, Derpy, show her the letter."

Pinkie took the letter from the Princess, read it over once, grunted in acknowledgment and flicked it back across the table, "I'll look into it, but don't come here expecting miracles and come back bawling me out if I can't produce. I'm not promising anything."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out, I heard you're the best detective in Ponyville!" Derpy exclaimed.

"Sister, it's easy to be the best detective in town when you're holding a monopoly over the racket." Pinkie sneered.

"So, you're sayin' you're the only detective in town?" Apple Bloom clarified.

"Kid, I used to have competition and now one fellow got himself whacked and the dame I took this office over from is sleeping with the fishes." Pinkie took a flask from her desk drawer, unscrewed the top and took a long belt. The dribble that ran off her chin had the fruity smell and bright hue of punch.

"Whacked, really? I didn't hear anythin' about that, who was it?" Apple Bloom asked skeptically.

"Featherweight." Pinkie cast her eyes down.

"Oh, right. He got caught taking embarrassin' pictures of ponies last week. His parents took his camera away and gave him a good paddlin' for it." Apple Bloom clarified for Derpy's sake.

"Sea Swirl was using this office before you, I used to deliver her mail." Derpy said with a smile, then turned to Apple Bloom, "She went off to visit the seaponies. They gave her the royal suite for the whole time she's there! I know because she said so on a post card to Rarity, and I uh, accidentally read it. "

"Well, duh!" Pinkie exclaimed, dropping the detective's mannerisms and returning to her normal tone of voice, "Whacked and Sleeping with the fishes, what did you think I meant?"

"What about Night Crawler? He had this place for years." Derpy pointed to a picture of him that hung on the wall.

"I'm afraid he's pushing up daises." Pinkie said with a ragged sigh and shook her head, "I mean Roseluck keeps telling him they aren't going to grow right if he keeps doing that, but he says the deep roots keep getting in the way of his worms. Stallions always have such weird superstitions about fishing bait, but what are ya' gonna do? Right? Eh? Right?"

Carrot Top, being the ever sensible mare she was, vociferously objected to Derpy's plans but eventually found a work around. She wrote a letter to Applejack saying that Apple Bloom wanted to stay with her, Derpy and Dinky for a couple nights, then had Derpy drop it off with Big Mac. When she asked him if he thought it was okay whilst he was still reading the letter that said the same thing, he just said, "Eeyup." and with an, "Okay, thanks, bye!" Derpy was gone before he could think to ask any questions or refer her to Applejack, which is just what he would have done in his next breath. She was purposely vague about where they were staying, meaning that tracking them down should be a task not worth the effort save for the direst emergency. It felt low and devious, but Applejack and Carrot Top had been neighbors forever so she trusted her and she assumed she'd let it slide. Carrot Top had nothing but the best of intentions.

"Listen Derpy," Carrot Top told her as soon as they found a moment of privacy in Derpy's kitchen, "I know you're just trying to help and I've tried to put up with this as far as I could, but this just isn't going to work. You can't go on some half baked adventure with Pinkie Pie and somepony else's foal. How would you feel if Applejack did that with Dinky?"

"Pinkie Pie's just going to tell us where to go, she doesn't have to come with us, and Dinky's not even old enough to have a cutie mark yet!" Derpy countered.

"Yeah, okay, but I didn't mean exactly the same thing. I just meant if she ran off with Dinky on a trip without telling you. You wouldn't like it, would you? I know you Derpy, you'd be furious and you'd fly off after them to get Dinky back, so you can't really do that to Applejack." Carrot Top chided. Derpy's ears fell flat.

"But...But she would have run off and been all alone in Canterlot if I hadn't stepped on her. I just have to help her or she'll run off again, won't she?"

"It was the right thing to do to stop her and letting her stay here for a couple days to cool off, that's fine too. That's probably the best thing for her, but don't get the idea that you're really going to find some bureaucratic office in Tartarus or Canterlot's forgotten basement or somewhere that's in charge of cutiemarks. There just isn't such a thing, it's silly." Carrot Top told her as gently but firmly as she could.

"I...I guess. If you say so, but, It won't hurt to let Pinkie look for it anyway, will it?" Derpy asked, her hopes visibly withering.

"No, I don't suppose it will, but just...don't get your hopes up." Carrot Top had little faith in Pinkie Pie finding any worthwhile information, which just goes to show how little she really knew about the pink party pony and the extents she would go to to make a friend smile.

Carrot Top was cooking a carrot cake for Derpy, Apple Bloom and Dinky on the pretense of needing taste testers, which was partially true. She'd also brought the fixings for a salad using the excuse that they needed something to snack on while she worked and Derpy had prepared it and set it out for the four of them.

She'd been overly hard on her grey pegasus friend last week when she'd emptied her fridge without a word or so much as a thank you note. She'd called her friend a mooch and instantly been sorry for it. She'd been surreptitiously coming up with reasons to share meals with her since then, but often Derpy wouldn't eat with Dinky and her, stubborn pride got in the way. Much to her dismay and embarrassment she'd discovered her friend had been dining on discarded refuse. The soul crushing guilt every time she thought about it wracked her with weighty shudders.

She'd yet to be able to apologize, the pained reproach in those skewed eyes too much to bear whenever the subject came up, so she was baking as penance, the only sort she knew. She turned the oven on to preheat, but for some reason it hadn't lit. For a moment she wondered if Derpy had missed a payment and had the gas shut off, but checking she found the pilot to be lit. She turned the knob on and off a few times, then hmphed at it.

"Derpy, what's going on with your stove?" Carrot Top asked. Derpy shrugged, walked over and turned the knob as Carrot Top had already done several times. Then she checked the pilot light, turned the knob back and forth several times and scowled at it. Then she opened the door and discovered the problem.

"Were you followed?" A pink maned head thrust out from the oven and demanded of her. Carrot Top leapt back in fright and yelped.

"Er...No, I mean, yes, Carrot Top followed me, but, um, I asked her to so I think it's okay. Is it okay Pinkie Pie? Should I send her away?" Derpy stammered. Pinkie Pie climbed out of the oven, trailing a loose fitting trenchcoat over a black catsuit. She brushed herself off, clunked the oven door shut behind her and turned the knob. With a soft whoosh the oven ignited.

"If you vouch for her it's your own lookout." Pinkie dipped her head in a curt bow to Carrot Top who was seething at the intrusion into their peaceful night.

"I heard a yelp!" Apple Bloom said as she skidded into the kitchen in a barely controlled slide, "I figured it was you, Pinkie."

"Wait wait wait, what do you mean followed? Who's supposed to be following us? Also, we've been here most of the day, you're the one who just got here, are you sure you weren't followed?" Carrot Top huffed.

"I can assure you I wasn't tailed." Pinkie Pie said gruffly, "I'm an old pro in this cat and mouse game."

"Again, who's meant to be following you?" Carrot Top shook her head, "Also, why are you talking like that?"

"Duh! I'm a detective!" Pinkie Exclaimed.

"I don't know," Apple Bloom trained a critical eye on Pinkie's getup, "The trenchcoat says detective but the black long underwear ain't sayin' nothin' but spy. You sure you ain't mixing your mediums a bit?"

"Eh, I lost my fedora," Pinkie shrugged, "I thought maybe I could pull off a modern noir kind of thing, but if you don't think it works, I can go change."

"No no, when you say it like that, I see what you're goin' for." Applebloom nodded while Derpy looked expectantly between Pinkie Pie and Carrot Top. Pinkie took the hint.

"Oh, she can stay if she wants to, but be forewarned, the things I'm about to tell you can't be unheard." Pinkie warbled her voice to make it sound spooky, but ruined the effect by giggling.

Carrot Top sighed deeply and painfully, "What about Dinky?" She asked Apple Bloom, who'd been forced to make her presence known to the delighted filly and had been entertaining her for most of the day to keep her mind off of her current troubles.

"She's playing with blocks. She just started so we've probably got a while 'fore she gets bored, knocks the whole mess over and comes lookin' for attention." Apple Bloom said.

"Fine, I know I'll regret it, but curiosity is getting the better of me so let's just get it over with before I change my mind." Carrot Top acceded and Pinkie's grin grew to encompass her whole face. With stories like this, the more the merrier.

"First, you've got to swear that what I'm about to tell you doesn't leave this room. It could change the face of Equestrian civilization if it got out, cause riots in the streets, dogs would bury acorns and squirrels would climb cats, so you've got to Pinkie promise." She narrowed her eyes.

"Cross our hearts, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in our eye." The three said in unison. Promises made, Pinkie dimmed the lights and told them what she'd discovered.

Comments

[DreadedCandiru2]

Oh, boy. Let's hope that whoever it is isn't too much like the Name Wizard from Dinosaurs.

[bahatumay]

There's a density instead of destiny in there.
Also, Pinkie's dialogue was greatly amusing.

[The philosopher]

You always write Pinkie perfectly. She's not crazy, she just abides to her own laws.

[TheDarkStarCzar]

2860850
I'm not sure I get the reference...
Unless that's why that kid was just called "Baby Sinclair," In which case, you must be as old as I am, or a penchant for obscure TV.

[TheDarkStarCzar]

2860931
2860896
I'm glad my Pinkie's not too atrocious, her dialogue always makes me second guess myself.
As to the density, I saw that too, but it was Derpy talking, so I stood by it as if I'd done it on purpose.
Thanks for pointing it out, though. Errors like that drive me nuts.

[DreadedCandiru2]

2861159
That's exactly why. When it came time to name him, the Sinclairs took him to the Chief Elder. Before he could tell them what to call him, he started to choke to death on something thereby sticking the kid with the name "ARGH! ARGH! I'm dying, you idiot!"

At the end of the episode, the NEW Chief Elder muttered "Hmmmm. Baby has a nice ring to it!!"

(Hint. I hope they use this in-series as an explanation for why somepony doesn't have a fixed name.)