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Remember that poor frog that was turned into an orange? We never saw it get turned back, and they never mentioned it again. So what happened to it? How did it manage to get onto the town hall? Did Twilight ever learn about the abomination of nature she created? Did anypony notice it at all?
Proofread by the excellent CartsBeforeHorses, MrJoshy, Salacar, Knight of Cerebus and statoose.
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Welp....... Orange
I honestly have no idea what I just read, but it was awesome
. One of the more funny odd stories here.
That's actually quite interesting
2838067 Thanks I'm glad you liked it. Its just something thats bugged me ever since the episode aired. I noticed no one else had done anything about it and I figured "Eh, might as well be me."
YES. YES. I LOVE IT. MORE!
Why did you delete a comment?
2838237 Do you mean me? Because I didn't delete anything.
Naval Orange is an amazing character.
2838757 Thanks. I'm already working on a petition to have him appear in Season 4.
Why didn't Twilight blame Pinkie? It was her fault after all.
2839076 I like to think because she realized that she probably should have been checking to see if her spell hit anything. We know for a fact Spike saw the bird, made a comment about it and yet Twilight did nothing.
Also when you have just gone through an ordeal to get one of your best friends back only to be confronted by an angry orange frog, you probably wouldn't be thinking 100% rationally. (If you're referring to the ending speech Raleigh would have edited it to focus all the blame on Twilight. Frogs are kind of spiteful that way). I hope this quick rationalization proves adequate.
Weird... I was actually wondering about that frog this morning...
You're not stealing my thoughts, are you?
2841429 What? No of course not.... (How does he know?)
Apparently oranges are the borg.
"I don't care how mad you are, you leave Twilight's mother out of this!"
even if you did forget a comma and apostrophe in the original
That kind of line is funny. Always.
Also, dat apology.
2848905 What do you mean I forgot a comma and apostrophe? It was always there.
(Dang it wheres the edit button wheres the edit button?)
2849511
I saw nothing.
Faved! This was well written and funny story. Plus, I love orange,s so there's that.
Damn right they should be pissed at Twilight. I loved the ending.
Good story. It has a few grammar and spelling errors in it, but other than that, it's great.
This was immensely funny
Raleigh is best pony, err... Orange!
And Toby is black? A fruit bat usually resembles some kind of fruit, right?
What fruit is black?
3009196 Blackberrys? (You could be right about real fruitbats though.) To be honest, because of Batman I just assume that all bats are brown or black. On the other hand, an ominous flying predator is a lot more intimidating when black.
3009306
Yup, blackberries. Sorry I missed that, berries are not common 'round these parts (tropical country, exotic fruits and all that).
3009350 Its alright. (It's not alright you're going on the list)
Did you say something?
3009359
Oh no, nothing at all. Nothing about lists, hehe.
Ow, look! A distraction! *runs away*
Who knew oranges were so noble? Enjoyable read!
Oh my god this was hilarious. It took me far too long to get the joke with Naval Orange's name. This was just brilliant comedy, I swear.
And may I commend you on your choice of username? Freakazoid is the best. :D
3072193 That's alright. I wouldn't have gotten it if I hadn't looked it up myself. And thank you I believe you are now person number 7 to get that reference.
Nice. *Applauds* Very silly fun and it's lovely to see Twi actually being accountable for her abominations rather than leaving them and seeing like a terrible psychotic pony
3077721 Thanks! The applause is especially appreciated.
Surprisingly entertaining.
"I am just a silly purple unicorn that is secretly sad because I am terrible jumping and will never be able to fly." Was that foreshadowing for twilicorn? Or was that just a coincidence.
3123402 It's foreshadowing. I would like to say I wrote this before the end of season 3 and it's a brilliant coincidence, but I didn't. It's just me trying to be clever. Glad you liked the story though!
I found this story to be So Okay, It's Average, as we like to call it on TV Tropes. It doesn't have any clear flaws, but no particularly strong points, either. That doesn't make my job as a reviewer any easier, but I'll give it a shot.
Overall, the story did manage to bring a smile to my face. This is mostly because of the good characterisation on Raleigh: he's sympathetic, and consistently portrayed. Also, the humour generally works - nothing awkward or cheesy.
There are a few jarring moments, though. The initial transformation has a high level of body horror, and you describe it as such. But after Raleigh's been turned into an orange, ripping out a part of himself to squeeze it for the juice is treated like a pretty mundane event. (Also, I drink orange juice every morning, and I can tell you it's not that acidic. It can weaken cardboard, yes, but that's more because of the water in it than the acid). And in the first scene with Toby, Raleigh turns his back on the bat, but then they're described as staring at each other. Something doesn't add up here.
Your grammar isn't bad, but I've noticed a few missing commas, apostrophes and capitals here and there. A recurring problem seems to be dialogue or internal monologue attribution. You're supposed to use a comma, but you often use a full stop or no punctuation mark at all. See here for a quick explanation of the rules.
But what is it that makes this story so average, rather than great? It's hard to tell exactly, but I can think of a few things you might want to improve on.
Primo, while Raleigh as a character is sympathetic and consistently written, he lacks depth. I find it hard to name a single clearly identifiable personality trait of his. If you fleshed him out some more, maybe spent some time developing his character before the transformation happens, he'd have a lot more comedic potential. (But remember: show, don't tell!) Most of my favourite comedy fics rely very heavily on the character of the protagonist for their humour. See, for example, On the Application of Time and Motion Efficiency Studies to Initial Relationship Formation (Rarity), Whom The Princesses Would Destroy... (OC), or Hostile Takeover (Trixie + Fluttershy).
Secundo, your writing style could use some more colour. You often describe environments and actions in rather generic terms. At times, you come dangerously close to 'your character doing A then B then C then D,' as Blueshift put it. The part where Raleigh and Jeremy discuss 'the latest frog news' comes across as pretty bland and clichéd. Most of the jokes aren't all that original, either. The "Orange Collective" thing is a notable exception: it's a relatively unusual and creative idea, and thus makes for some of the funniest moments in the story.
Tertio, the ending was a bit dull, especially the very last paragraph. It might be better to end with Raleigh rather than Pinkie, since he's your main character. A good brick joke also does wonders for a comedy ending.
I hope this will help you as a writer!
Signing off,
Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman
3189162 Thank you for your response!
I have gone over your review and I have to agree that you make some excellent points that I can't really find a way to disagree with. Also, thank you for providing links to your examples. I will be sure to look over those to see what I can do to improve my story. But, I'm glad to know that it at least it made you smile. And don't worry, I will keep your words in mind for any future stories I write.
So the frog's name was Raleigh? This wouldn't be a reference to Sir Raleigh, would it?
3331488 YES!
YES IT IS! FINALLY SOMEBODY GETS IT!
Thank you good sir, you just made my day. For anyone else reading this, every frog characters name is a reference to another fictional frog. Can you find them all?
Congrats for being featured in Equestria daily
3331488 3332363
Sly Cooper was the first thing that popped into my head upon seeing a frog name Raleigh. Too few people have played Sly Cooper.
3502137 Thanks!
3502663 I agree completely. I always considered it one of the best series on the PS2 (easily in league with Ratchet and Clank). Did you ever play the new one for the PS4?
FRUITION. *groans*
Overall, pretty good story! Glad it had a happy ending.
3502716 Thanks! I'll be honest the pun was completely unintentional, but hey it works!
What brilliant usage of fruition.
This story was quite weird, but it was amusing, and I enjoyed it a lot.
This was an amazingly entertaining story full of vitamin C.
However, overall, it was a bit average. This isn't a bad or good thing, for nothing really stands out. However, it did bring a smile to my face.
The main good point that I see in this is that it is very original. The only thing that I think came out of nowhere was the Orange Collective. Were you planning to go anywhere with this? And given how you ended the fic, are you planning to explain what its "plans" are?
And if there IS an Orange Collective, what about Apples? And what do the two fruits think of each other?
And if an apple WAS turned into an orange, would it still be a part of the collective mind? And would that be a good or bad thing?
2838772 You had better be kidding about that, because it is coming off as a little vain.
3503170 I'm glad to hear that!
And yeah, fruition. Thats just one of those brilliant little accidents that just sort of happen. 
3503198 I am. That was a joke.
3503208 Okay. Sorry if I sounded mean there, though.
3503181 Believe me, a smile was all I was hoping to accomplish. As for the Collective, that was mainly because I find the idea of sentient inanimate objects fascinating. The ending was mainly because I wanted a decent punchline to end the story with. As for sequel, maybe. Although if I did it would probably be completely off the wall. Like monsters made of apples and oranges fight each other off the wall.
)
As for apples, well apples are more benign. But thats just because they don't have to work so hard to multiply. They have the capacity and will to be just as dangerous as oranges. The relationship between the two is fascinating. Its a rivalry that is complex and full of generations of alliances, and betrayals. I suppose that an apple turned into an orange would start to become a member of the collective but only if he wasn't changed back within a day or two like Raleigh.
(What am I doing with my life