A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria

by Soulsilver

A Trip to Canterlot

We were all back at in town a short while later, me being significantly less naked than before. Rarity must have made extra copies of my outfit after I left, because she came over with one almost immediately. After that we all decided to go somewhere while we waited for Celestia to decode what I dubbed the Screeching Bird Puzzle. Discord probably made them immune to magic as well, the clever bastard. Naturally, everyone wanted to go somewhere different.

"Why don't we just meet up later? I really need to stretch my wings," said Rainbow Dash, whilst flying around in loop-de-loops.

"Yeah, Twi', as much as ah want an explanation for all this, ah really aught to be helping Mac and th' others tryin' ta fix the apple trees."

"I'm sorry girls, but I need everyone together when the Princess replies to my letter, and we might need to go meet with her right away. Having to look around town for everypony takes too much time in an emergency," replied Twilight, who was levitating the purple cube that contained the unconscious Houndoom. "And Fluttershy, do we really have to bring this thing into town with us? Who knows what'll happen when it wakes up."

Fluttershy shook her head. "Oh, no, I wouldn't want him to damage Sweet Apple Acres even more. And he might be hurt, so I need to watch over him."

"No offence, darling, but it did try to eat a filly a small while ago," said rarity carefully, trying not to upset the pegasus. "Even you must draw a line somewhere."

"That may be, but-"

"CAAAAARTWHEEEELS!" Screamed Pinkie, as she cartwheeled around the group several times for literally no reason.

I, meanwhile, was nearby, repeatedly bashing my head against a lamp post, hoping for some kind of haemorrhage to knock me out. All it did was add to the headache I was gaining. After ten seconds of overlapping bickering, and cartwheels, I had had enough.

"All right, all of you shut up!" I yelled. All of them stopped mid-sentence, including Pinkie Pie who froze mid-cartwheel. "I'm going to go to the library and watch movies on my computer. If you are willing to keep quiet, then you may join me."

I stormed off down the street for a little bit before stopping and turning back to them. "I forget the way to the library."

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Back at the tree library (which is still sadistically ironic) the six ponies and dragon sat around the main room of the library as I set up the projector and speakers. Despite not having any way to connect them, as soon as I put my computer near the other technology, a small stream of electricity started to flow between them, somehow causing them to interact and work together. "Convenient ass Deus Ex Machina computer." I didn't worry about it, despite how easily this could be leading to some Terminator type of situation. The projector started up and brought the image of my desktop onto the wall. Twilight cast a quick spell to draw all the curtains and turn off all the lights.

"All right, ladies and gentlemen. Pick whatever you want." I said as I brought up my folder full of movies. They all stared at the "screen" for a moment before turning back to me, all with deadpan expressions on their faces. "What?"

"We can't read your crazy language, you dork!" I blinked.

'People still say dork?'

'Wait, don't say anyt-'

"Sorry, I forgot. What kind of movie do you want to watch?"

"Something with action!"

"Something romantic!"

"Something intellectual!"

"Something scary and funny!"

"Somethin' with a cowpony."

"Something with dragons!"

"Um...something with animals would be nice?"

'Urrgh...tried to warn you.'

I face-palmed. "And then all of a sudden I was playing Jeopardy. I really need to start listening to myself." I scrolled down through the movies. "We're going with Fluttershy's choice. Mostly because she's the cutest, but also because I have something good that falls under her category." I found what I was looking for, ignoring the looks I was receiving and the pegasus that was trying to shrink into the floor and hide behind her mane. Oh shut up, you know I only told the truth. "Ah, here we go. Lilo & Stitch. It's supposed to be a family movie, but I still enjoy it. And yes, Rainbow, it has action too." She hoof-pumped as I clicked open the movie.

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"So, tell me, my little one-eyed one, on what poor, pitiful, defenceless planet has my monstrosity been unleashed?"

Rarity turned to me as the Hawaiian song began. "Darling, I thought you said this film was about animals?"

"It is. Technically. People THINK it's a dog, at least. Now shush."

She rolled her eyes before turning back to the screen.

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"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind. But if you want to leave, you can," Lilo said as Stitch picked up his book and walked towards the window, placing it on the windowsill. He crawled out of the window, taking the book with him. "I'll remember you though." She looked at the picture of her family for a moment, before placing it under her pillow and resting her head on it. "I remember everyone that leaves."

Twilight was sitting next to me and turned to look at my face."James, are you crying?" She whispered. I gently pushed her face back towards the screen.

"Shush."

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The movie ended, and the credits rolled. Rarity applauded...I think. She stomped her front hooves onto the floor in a rhythm similar to clapping at least. "Bravo! That was simply wonderful! Absolutely splendid! You have superb choice in films, darling." She directed her last comment to me.

"Yeah, that was way cooler than I thought it'd be. Not as cool as Daring Do, but not as bad as I thought it'd be. You guys are all right." I wasn't sure what that was, but I could tell it was high praise coming from Rainbow Dash." I waved my hand at them.

"Nah, it was just one of the first movies I saw as a kid. It just withheld the barrier of time. And reality. And culture. If fact I'm surprised you liked it at all, considering how different we are."

"I liked it." Fluttershy spoke as she smiled. "I particularly enjoyed that it was about something mean becoming good after he found where he belonged. It reminds me of a friend I made recently."

Pinkie jumped out of....the side of my vision, grinning widely. "Yeah, and it was super-duper funny!" Her grin fell. "But also super-duper sad, sometimes." Her grin came back, wider than before. "But then it got better, and was super-duper sweet!"

"I liked how they worked Stitch's status as a genetic experiment into his character. It felt really natural." Twilight pitched in beside me.

I grinned. "Well, if you like stories that deal with existential issues and the failings of the psyche, then you'll love this next one. It gets a little macabre towards the middle, but it has romance, comedy, an animal, an explosion, he punches a guy, goes insane for a little bit, all the good stuff. It is, in my opinion, literally the best movie that ever has been made, and ever will be made, not only in my world, but in every reality where the laws of physics allow for movies to be created."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "So I guess you like it, huh?"

I squinted and brought my thumb and forefinger close together. "Just a tad. I'll find it and put it on."

"Uh, as much as I'd like to watch another movie," Spike spoke up. "But the Princess has replied to your letter, Twilight."

Twilight whirled her head around so quickly it looked like it almost broke off. "What?! When?! I didn't see you deliver it!"

He scratched his head and chuckled nervously. "Ehehe....half an hour ago when I went to the bathroom?" He winced instantly at the glare she was giving him. So did I, actually. Her irritation was literally palpable. It tasted like ash and lemons. "I'm sorry, I just really wanted to watch the rest of the movie. Please don't turn me into anything." He cowered as he held out a scroll embedded with a golden seal. She grabbed it out of his claw and opened it before reading it out loud.

"'To my faithful student,

I apologise for the briefness and tardiness of my reply, but I managed to extract enough detail from your letter to tell that something is wrong, Please head out for Canterlot as soon as you receive this message. If Discord feels the need to intervene in our communications, then it must be important.

Your loving mentor,

Princess Celestia.'" Twilight's glare doubled in intensity. She shook her head. "Come on, girls, lets get going. Spike, you stay here and re-organise the library." They all left the room one by one, leaving me alone with a very sheepish dragon. "James, are you coming?" She called back at me.

I turned to Spike as I walked out of the room. "Do not go on my computer. There are things in there that will mentally, and maybe even physically, scar you for the rest of your life." I left the room before poking my head back in a second later. "THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" With that I left the library, chasing after the others.

"So how are we getting to Canterlot?" I asked as I looked up at the city built onto the side of the looming mountain. "Seems a bit far to walk."

"We're taking the train, duh." Mocked Rainbow, rolling her eyes. "They realised that not all the pegasus chariot pullers were as awesome as I am, so they built a train to lighten their loads!" I stared at her for a moment before shifting my view to Twilight.

"The Princess had it made to commemorate our defeat of Discord. But yes, she did feel that chariots were too slow a method of transportation if we need to get to Canterlot quickly in an emergency, and so the Friendship Express was born."

I scrunched up my nose at the strange name."How'd you beat that guy, anyway? Seems to me he could just turn everyone into toads, or something."

"He can. He even took away our magic and wings for a short while, too. Luckily for us, he likes to mess with people, manipulating us in order to get what he wants instead of outright using his powers to defeat us. I don't know if it was his ego, or he just liked not being certain what the outcome would be, but he got overconfident. He practically just stood there as we used the Elements on him."

"Yeah, he does seem like the kind of guy who prefers a bit of showmanship. What did the Elements do to him anyways? Because if they reformed him to be like this, then I'd hate to see what he was like before."

She shook her head. "Oh no, that was only just last week. We first fought him one and a half years ago. The Elements turned him into stone when we used them on him."

I winced. "Damn. That must have hurt a lot." She grimaced, and looked up.

"Oh, hey, we're here! I'll buy the tickets." She walked off to the ticket booth. I followed her.

"Really? They build a railway AND a train in your honour for defeating an impossibly powerful enemy, and they still make you pay to use it?"

"I don't like feeling different from other ponies." She mumbled, blushing a little. I rolled my eyes and shrugged as she stepped up to the booth.

The mare in the booth looked up from her newspaper and smiled at Twilight. "Hello, Miss Sparkle. Off to visit Canterlot again so soon?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, me and my friends have official business. Six mares and...." She turned around and looked around before sighing loudly. "We forgot the Houndoom."

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure it's fine."

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"This isn't good." Spike said as he watched the previously asleep Houndoom bashing against the side of his magical cage. "I really hope that thing will hold. If not..." He gulped. "I'm in trouble."

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The ticket pony spoke up. "So that'll be six mares and one...?" She left the question hanging as she looked me up and down. "Pet?"

"Newborn omnisex gorillape." I deadpanned, earning me a smack on the arm from Twilight.

"He's just joking, One adult male." She said as she laughed nervously.

'That reminds me. She and Flutterbutt totally saw our junk when we were passed out the other day.'

'Twilight's a scientist and Fluttershy is...a vet. Damn, we might be a pet after all.'

'What, you didn't notice everyone staring at us this morning?'

'I was preoccupied at the time!

'Preoccupied thinking disturbingly sexual thoughts about Discord and a bathtub full of Nutella.'

'Yeah, and?'

I opted to ignore their bitching and sighed before wondering around the station. I looked at the train we were supposed to ride. "That thing is so effeminate I can literally feel the testosterone being slowly drained from my body." The train dubbed "The Friendship Express" looked like it had been pulled straight out of a toy commercial, just larger, and functional.

"Yeah, it ain't exactly how Ah would've designed it myself," Said Applejack as she walked up beside me. "But if that's what they reckon represents our friendship, who am Ah ta argue?"

"Someone with good taste."

*TOOOOOT TOOOOOT* "ALL ABOARD!" Twilight passed the tickets out among us before we clamoured onto the train. Thankfully, the inside was less repellent than the outside. I took a seat next to the window, hoping to get a good view of the place from up the mountain. Twilight sat down next to me. The others all got seated and immediately started chatting about what they'd do in Canterlot after we meet with the princess. Me and Twilight, however, were content to simply sit in silence with no chitchat whatsoever.

"So...how do you like Ponyville so far?" Yeah right, silence. Could you imagine?

"Apart from the fire-breathing death-dogs and Pinkie's utter lack of regard for other people's concepts of physics? It's not bad." She giggled a bit.

"Yeah, she can be pretty confusing." Her smile dropped suddenly, as if remembering something. She looked at me. "Hey James....I know you said you didn't have anything left in your world. I was just wondering what happened to your family." And then this conversation comes up. It always does, eventually, and I don't much care for it, but I knew it was inevitable, so I had mentally prepared for it.

"Nothing happened. We just don't see each other very much." She looked me in the eye, not buying a word of my bullshit. Commendable, but irritating.

"James I know you have trouble letting people in for some reason, but I want you to know that I'd never betray your trust. You may not think of us the same, but we think of ourselves as your friends. I think of you a a friend, particularly after what you did today. You can talk to me about anything you need to." She placed a hoof on my shoulder.

"Well I think you should keep your nose out of other people's business!" We hissed at her. I wish I could say it was just Wrath saying that, but I know that isn't what happened. Twilight's hoof flinched away from me as if I hit her, and stared down at the floor, clearly crestfallen. I sighed as I calmed down.

I placed a hand on her back and spoke softly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you, you didn't do anything wrong. The short story is that I'm a jackass who doesn't like talking about himself." She looked up at me. Sad pony eyes are the worst things I have ever seen in my life. Naturally, being the pansy that I am, I relented to them. "If you want, I'll tell you some stuff about me. About my family, about my lack of friends, whatever you want to know. Just not right now; and somewhere where there are less prying ears." I said, staring pointedly at Pinkie, who was very conspicuously trying to listen in on our conversation.

Twilight brightened up a bit and smiled at me. I smiled back before shifting my view to the window. We were halfway up the mountain by now. I could see Ponyville spread out below. I saw a flash of purple light come from deep in the forest behind the town, but figured it was just Twilight's reflection.

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As we walked around Canterlot I had one thing on my mind, and did not bother to keep it hidden. "Holy shit, can your nose even go that far up your own ass?" If the ponies of Ponyville thought I was unusual, the ponies here were acting as if I were some kind of monstrous freak. I know that I technically was, but that doesn't change that it was rude. Stupid snobs.

"Ah agree, ah can barely stand Rarity by herself. Bein' around so many hoity-toity ponies at once makes me feel kinda unwelcome." Rarity pouted at Applejack's remark, but made no comment. We continued on through the bustling city, past store fronts and businesses towards the palace, glimmering light orange in the afternoon sun. We walked up the sizeable staircase towards the entrance of what could only be the throne room. One of the guards saw me and stepped forward, prepared to attack, but stopped when he saw twilight and the others.

"Hello Miss Sparkle. The Princess is waiting to see you and your...friends." We walked past him into a huge as hell room. We made our way to the other side as quickly as we could.

"Princess!" Twilight called out to a rather large pony facing away from us. She turned towards the voice and showed that she was pure white with a horn and wings, with a rainbow mane, similar to Dash's, but lighter in hue. Her mane and tail were also billowing in some unfelt wind. She looked at Twilight with a smile as she ran towards her, but her face dropped into shock when she focussed on me. Before Twilight even reached her, she was gone in a bright yellow flash, appearing right in front of me, facing away, with her rear legs raised.

'Well, this'll be fun.'

I couldn't disagree more as I felt her surprisingly strong hooves connect with my chest, hurtling me back against a wall, where I slumped down. The princess teleported again, this time re-appearing with her horn against my throat. I looked up her and blinked.

"I don't suppose you could wait until after dinner to kill me? I'm starving."

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NEXT TIME: IT COULD HAVE GONE WORSE.

Author's Note:

Hey guys. The Youtube videos don't have any real reason to them, just felt like trying out the feature. Plus they add to the ambiance, so that's something. I'll start work on the next chapter tomorrow. For now I need to sleep. Rate, subscribe, and force your friends to do the same. Seriously though, I wouldn't mind a few more people reading it. Goodnight, guys.

Comments

[Hunter reaper]

Lilo and Stitch is a good movie.

She looked at Twilight with a smile as she ran towards her, but her face dropped into shock when she focussed on me. Before Twilight even reached her, she was gone in a bright yellow flash, appearing right in front of me, facing away, with her rear legs raised.
'Well, this'll be fun.'
I couldn't disagree more as I felt her surprisingly strong hooves connect with my chest, hurtling me back against a wall, where I slumped down. The princess teleported again, this time re-appearing with her horn against my throat. I looked up her and blinked.

Really Tia really?

[Captain Tussel]

This story is giving me some real inspiration, I need to get back to writing as soon as possible