• Published 8th Jul 2013
  • 2,001 Views, 64 Comments

A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria - Soulsilver



Ever wondered what would happen if a schizophrenic psychopath with multiple personality disorder suddenly found himself in Equestria? No? Well too bad, it's my story.

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What Not to Do in Ponyville

Me and Twilight spent a good while looking at the stars that night. She explained how their Princess Luna controlled how people see the night sky, by dimming and brightening the light of the stars that penetrated the atmosphere, allowing her to create great works of art in the night sky, though the lack of consistency leads her to leave the sky as it is for a whole year before changing it, and makes sure the changes are only visible in Equestria. After all, what if a traveller was on the other side of the planet, and needed to use the stars to find his way home, only to discover they had changed the next night? Personally I found it weird as hell, but I didn't complain.

Next she pointed out a few of the many constellations. I have to say, it is much easier to see what they're supposed to be when there are more than a handful of bright dots to go off of. Luna's constellations are much brighter than other stars in the sky, making them more obvious, and what's more, they're more detailed. For example, Ursa Major here actually has the vague outline of a bear. We talked for hours about random things like the galaxy and other planets. She was also quite exuberant about the possibility of life on other planets, so we discussed fictional worlds, creatures and societies. Eventually it got late, and we fucked like rabbits for the rest of time. Our love was as messy as it was loud, attracting spectators from all corners of the globe.

One moment, having Wrath kill Ataxia. While he's at it, I'll continue the story from the morning after we said goodnight and both went to our respective, separate beds and nothing else of interest happened that night. That jackass is always trying to ruin my stories.

NOOOOO, I MUST CONTINUE BEING A GENERAL NUISANCE!

Too bad.

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I woke atop the mattress that had been set up for me in the basement the previous day. While I was used to sleeping on the floor, it was never on a good mattress. I always woke up sore, uncomfortable, and as a result of that, pretty crabby. This time, I felt as if someone had been gently massaging my back the entire night. The mattress was so soft and comfortable that I could have sworn I was sleeping on a cloud. Though considering how the rest of this world worked, I wouldn't be surprised if it actually was. The best part, however, was that I didn't have a nightmare for the second night in a row. That hadn't happened in while, and hoped that didn't mean I was in for a really bad one tonight. I brushed the thought away and walked upstairs.

I opened the door and was hit by the unmistakable scent of pancakes. I made my way to the kitchen, and found Twilight and Spike sitting at the table, Spike boosted in a chair, and Twilight simply sitting on the floor.. The purple librarian looked up and smiled as I entered the room. "Oh, good morning, JD."

"Morninf." Spike mumbled through a pancake. She shot him a look before turning back to me.

"I hope you slept okay. The spare mattress is pretty uncomfortable." I stared at her for a little bit, expecting to see a sly smile, a hidden chuckle, or something else to indicate that she was joking. No such sign appeared.

"That was literally the comfiest thing I've ever slept on in my life. I feel like I've been given a new spine." I accompanied this comment with a stretch.

"Would you like some coffee?" she asked as I sat down on the ground with my legs crossed. I hadn't noticed before, but I seemed about the same height as Twilight when we're both sitting down. I suppose I would have been less intimidating at the party if I was squatting or sitting down.

"Yes please." She proceeded to use her magic to prepare me a mug of coffee and set it down in front of me, along with a plate of pancakes and some cutlery.

'Magic must be very useful. I can already think of a thousand small inconveniences it would remedy.'

'Like hiding a body?'

'Like replacing organs with fish?'

'On second thought I think I need to make sure I never get magic.'

"So, is there anything specific you were going to do today?" I asked as I drank. "I was planning on wondering around town, see the sights, do the whole 'terrorizing' thing that monsters are supposed to do to villages, and then probably get myself lost for a while."

"Well, I have to finish off some experiments today, but I'm sure Spike wouldn't mind keeping you company. Isn't that right Spike?"

Spike opened his mouth to speak before remembering to swallow what he had in it. "But Twilight, I was going to re-organize my gem collection today! You know I do that every Saturday!" Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Spike, it's Thursday. You work on Thursdays. But if you don't want time off from work...."

Spike turned his head to me. "So like I was saying, first we'll go by all of our friend's places, give you the lay of the land and all that junk, and then just hang around town for a bit." I just chuckled and finished my breakfast.

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Spike walked out the front door, neglecting to wait for me as I put on my shoes. "Come on, hurry up! Why do you even need shoes?"

"Unlike you, I don't have scales on my feet, so it tends to hurt if I step on something I'm not supposed to." I said back to him as I walked to the door. I stepped outside and noticed all the ponies look at me for a moment before continuing along with their daily routine.

"Huh. I guess the party Pinkie threw you got ponies more accustomed to you than I thought." Spike said as he watch people trying to ignore me. "I thought for sure they'd all run and hide." I shot him a look. "No, seriously, whenever something scary comes to town they all hide in their houses and barricade their doors and windows."

"So do you!" Twilight called from inside. Spike blushed and started to storm off. I laughed and closed the door behind me before I noticed something. I ran to catch up with Spike.

"You guys do realise how ironic it is to have a library made out of a hollow tree, right?" He ignored me and continued around a corner. "I'll take that as a yes."

I caught up to Spike a moment later. He moves really fast despite having little legs. "The first stop on the tour is Sugar Cube Corner!" He gestured up at a building that looked like it was made out of confectionery. For all I know, it could taste like it too. "Don't taste the walls. I've tried, it's just wood and paint. But regardless the Cake bakery is the best (and only) bakery in Ponyville! It is residence to the Cake family. You want to go inside?"

I shrugged. "I could always go for some donuts." We entered the store, the bell above the door tingling, and we walked to the counter. A motherly looking mare whose hair looked like frosting came out of a back room.

"Hello dearies, is there anything I can ge-oh my!" She looked up at me in shock before she calmed down and smiled at me. "Oh, you must be that new friend that Pinkie's been talking about! Nice to meet you, I'm Cup Cake, but everypony just calls me Mrs Cake."

I smiled back. "Nice to meet you, Mrs Cake." My eyes narrowed. "Wait, you know Pinkie?"

"Dear, every pony knows Pinkie. But more than that she lives AND works here."

I glared down at Spike. "You did this on purpose, didn't you?' He nodded. "She's right behind me, isn't she?" He nodded again, wearing the largest shit eating grin I've ever seen. "I did nothing to deserve this." I stated before Pinkie jumped on top of me and clung to my shoulders, hanging from my neck.

"Boo!"

"Ahhh." I deadpanned.

"What's wrong? Don't you like hugs?"

"Not when they're around my neck for extended periods of time, no."

"Too bad, imma hug you!" She squeezed tighter, but wasn't actually causing any hsrm. I sighed.

"Well I've got a new cape, apparently." I turned to Mrs Cake, who was trying to hold her laughter in. "I'll take one chocolate donut, strawberry sprinkles, please." She brought it out and put it in a paper bag before handing it to me. Or hoofing? No, I think I'll use handing. Sounds less weird somehow.

"First one's on the house, dear."

"That works out great for me, because I just realised that I've got no money." Spike chose what he wanted and paid for it, and we left. I just assumed that Pinkie was cleared to go on break. Wouldn't be surprised if this sort of stuff happens all the time.

"So where now?" I asked Spike.

"Where else? Carousel Boutique, the home of the beautiful Lady Rarity!" He declared, walking with more gusto than before.

"Let me guess," I said to Pinkie. "The building looks like a carousel, doesn't it?"

"Pretty much." I rolled my eyes and followed after Spike.

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We arrived at the other side of town and, as predicted, Rarity's house had a carousel on the top. Don't know if it actually worked, but it was still there. We went inside.

Rarity came out of a back room and walked to the front counter. "Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where-oh! Why hello JD, whatever brings you here?"

"I'm taking him on a tour of Ponyville!" Spike chimed in as he hopped up on the counter. "It's what any gracious and noble host would do, really." He slicked back his...fins?

"Oh, that is so kind of you, my little Spikey Wikey." She cooed and fawned over him like a mother hen, while Spike just stood there soaking up all her attention.

"Wow, he's got the bug really bad, hasn't he?" I whispered to Pinkie.

"I can't tell you, I Pinkie Promised." She whispered back. "But yeah, it's really obvious."

"You'd think it'd be easier just to let him down gently, instead of building him up."

"I think he knows it won't work out deep down, but there's no reason not to enjoy the present, is there?" Couldn't argue with that.

"Wish I had thought of that years ago."

'But then you wouldn't have us!'

'What a loss that would truly be.'

"Pinkie Pie, what in Equestria are you doing?" Rarity asked as she finally noticed that she was there.

"I'm a cape!" She replied with a grin. She looked at me.

"She's a cape." I confirmed. Rarity just shook her head.

"Well JD, if you are ever in the need of clothing, do feel free to come and see me."

My eyes shot open. "Actually, I just realised that I don't have any clothes other than these." I grimaced. "Oh god, I'e been wearing these for a whole twenty four hours."

"You also haven't showered since sometime before you got here." Said Spike.

"Yeah, you kind of smell." Pinkie exclaimed.

"Then why aren't you letting me go?"

"Because this is comfy."

While we were talking, Rarity gasped loudly, and looked aghast, turning pale. Paler. Somehow. "Oh, no that will not do! You are going upstairs right now and having a shower!"

"What? But I-"

"No, you are having a shower!" She quickly removed my cape and pushed me up the stairs by poking me with her horn, and continued until she shoved my into the bathroom and slammed to door shut behind me. I sighed. I had been doing a lot of that lately.

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Almost an hour later I finished my shower. What's that you ask? That's a long time for a shower? You're right, it is. Unless that time includes searching Rarity's countless hair-care products for shampoo and conditioner. It is much much harder when you can't read any of the labels. I had to open everything and smell it and see what kind of textures the contents had before I found what I think were the ones I was looking for.

"JD, darling?" Called Rarity from outside the door. "Are you alright? You've been in there for quite a long time."

"I'm fine Rarity, I'm coming out now." I replied. "Just had some trouble finding the shampoo."

"Ah, yes, I'm sorry about that. Your clothes are ready, though, so come downstairs and try them on."

Confused, I said "But I don't have any clean clothes."

"So? Just come down naked."

I had to physically stop Ataxia from bursting out any saying any number of stupid things by punching myself in the head. "But then I'll be naked. In the middle of your store. With two girls right there. in the same room. looking at me. Naked."

"In case you hadn't noticed darling, ponies don't usually wear clothes all the time." I blinked. I hadn't actually noticed that.

'You are no longer allowed to have control.' I said to Ataxia.

'Aw, come on, I haven't even described in detail all the sexual acts I was going to do yet!'

"That may be the case, Rarity, but I am not a pony. Just give me my clothes, okay?"

"Alright, but I don't see what all the fuss is about."

'Oh please, you're probably the queen of fuss. Fuckin' hypocritical ponies.'

She opened the door slightly and levitated my clothes in to me. I grabbed them and shut the door. "Well, that was just rude!" Perhaps a bit too forcibly.

'Come on, just let it all hang loose! Relax once in a while! What's the worse that could happen?'

'You know damn well why' I said as I quickly got dressed.

I made my way downstairs with my old clothes in my arms and found them all staring at me. "What?"

"Oh nothing, Just another of Rairty's masterpieces!" Spike exclaimed as he gestured towards my outfit. I looked down, not having actually taken the time to look at what I was putting on. Luckily, I braced myself for nothing.

"it literally looks just the same as my other outfit. Not that it's a bad job, mind you....and now that I think about it, they fit better than my old ones. How'd you do that?" I asked Rarity. "You didn't even take any measurements."

"Oh I just have an eye for detail, is all."

"You made underwear in my exact size. That's pretty creepy, no matter how good you are."

"Well, no matter. It's the least I can do. And don't even think about paying!"

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting I don't have money. I really need to get a job." I turned to Pinkie. "You know anyone who's looking to hire a six-foot tall primate who can't read, can't fly, can't use magic, doesn't know how much your currency is worth, and is a general screw up at anything more difficult than physical labor?"

She thought for a moment. "Applejack could always use help over at Sweet Apple Acres."

I nodded before turning to Spike. "Our next destination is Applejack's." He groaned.

"Aww, but we just got here!" I kept my face blank. I wanted to say something snarky or sarcastic but he said it so seriously all I could do is stare.

Thankfully Rarity stepped in to save the day. "Now now, Spike. You made an obligation to show our new friend around town, and it would be ungentlemanly of you to back out of it. You can always visit me later." Spike softened.

"Of course, Rarity. You're right, as usual. Come along, you two. We're off to Sweet Apple Acres!"

"Remind me to call you when he's being stubborn, " I whispered to Rarity. "Or if I need him in a Broadway play."

I followed Spike out the door, with Pinkie Pie bouncing along behind me. Rarity shut the door behind us as we left.

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'Why are there so many line breaks?' asked Ataxia.

"Why are there so many line breaks?" asked Pinkie, at the exact same time.

'Oh god, there are two of them. I might kill myself.' I thought as I rubbed my temples.

"Uh,,,guys? I think Applejack might be in trouble." We looked at Spike who was pointing at the farm in the distance, which had smoke rising from flames that were spreading all over the orchard. We all started running as fast as we could.
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NEXT TIME: WHAT NOT TO DO IN PONYVILLE: PART 2! TROUBLE ON THE FARM!

Author's Note:

I was going to do this chapter in one big part, but I'll be spending the weekend at my mum's, and she doesn't have internet there, so I thought I'd give you the first half to tide you over. Vote, comment, insult my heritage, do whatever you like. Hope you enjoyed.