• Member Since 7th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

ocalhoun


I am not contained between my hat and my boots.

E

When Pinkie Pie finds out about the prize in this year's Equestrian Games, Rainbow Dash may get more competition than she bargained for.

-An honorable mention (for creative use of the required 'Canterlot Vaults') in the 2013 Everfree NW Iron Author competition, a two-hour, 2000-word-or-less fanfic writing competition.


Based on this story (and a lot of my stories): Energy Efficient

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 15 )

As Horizon pointed out... I really have to give you props for attempting to go with "Canterlot Vaults" as an athletic competition! I'm a sucker for twisting intended/expected wording (as my own entry shows) and that one didn't even occur to me. Unfortunately, I think the rest of the prompts -- the "artifact" being a medal, or the princess being the announcer -- feel very much shoehorned in and non-essential to the story. That said, I still like the feel I get from reading this. I just think you've got a different story to tell here than what the contest was forcing you into. Pinky on "Exo-Pep" is just ripe with comedy potential and I'd love to see that followed up. Likewise, the general setting of an athletic competition could really make for some interesting character development if you flesh it out.

Also, kudos on your use of dialogue. All the characters sounded just right. Reading it, I could hear the proper voices in my head, even before seeing the various attributions.

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As Horizon pointed out... I really have to give you props for attempting to go with "Canterlot Vaults" as an athletic competition! I'm a sucker for twisting intended/expected wording (as my own entry shows) and that one didn't even occur to me.

^.^
The first thing I did after hearing the prompts was think about each one: 'how could this be subverted?' Since the vaults was the one I had the best idea about subverting, I ran with it. :rainbowwild:

Unfortunately, I think the rest of the prompts -- the "artifact" being a medal, or the princess being the announcer -- feel very much shoehorned in and non-essential to the story.

Oh, I think I got Celestia in there naturally enough. She's been known to oversee athletic events... but yeah, the 'artifact' was totally shoehorned in. :twilightsheepish:

That said, I still like the feel I get from reading this. I just think you've got a different story to tell here than what the contest was forcing you into. Pinky on "Exo-Pep" is just ripe with comedy potential and I'd love to see that followed up.

Hm... that might indeed be a good idea. I think my stable of stories could use one that primarily features extra-crazy Pinkie Pie. :pinkiecrazy: Idea! :raritystarry: Pinkie gets her hooves on some good stimulants and then goes to Nightmare Moon/Discord levels of Pinkieness. That could make for a fun adventure/comedy. And, of course, after the climactic clash at the end, Pinkie gets to deal with a massive hangover. :pinkiesick:

Likewise, the general setting of an athletic competition could really make for some interesting character development if you flesh it out.

Eh, I'll leave that idea for others. I've got a couple big character-based stories in the works, and frankly, I'm tired of doing those for a while. :unsuresweetie:

Also, kudos on your use of dialogue. All the characters sounded just right. Reading it, I could hear the proper voices in my head, even before seeing the various attributions.

Apparently, that's a big strength of mine. I've been getting that comment a lot. :twilightblush:


--And thanks for a detailed comment! :twilightsmile: That's the best kind.

That cheer from Fluttershy... D'awwwww! And yes, the idea of Pinkie Pie plus powerful stimulant is world-ending. Liked this a lot! :ajsmug:

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Always nice to see repeat readers! :pinkiehappy:

And yeah, I'd forgotten about writing that fluttershy cheering scene in there, but now that you remind me, yeah, I d'aww'ed even as I was writing it. :twilightblush:

Excellent story! While I wasn't familiar with the competition until I read your synopsis of it, I have to give props for your interpretation, and also for squeezing that amount of entertainment, worldbuilding and character development into two thousand words.

And for the record, I think that Fluttershy's cheer being the ultimate motivator was an excellent idea. I can't think of a greater story element than that for what you intended to do.

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Wow. :twilightblush: now that's a rave review! ^.^

Even I don't think that highly of it. :rainbowwild: Just a 2-hour effort with no post-editing, after all.
Thanks though! :twilightsmile:

Pinkie Pie: Road Runner.

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:pinkiehappy:
Come to think of it, that's a gag I'd like to see on the show sometime.

It would be perfect Pinkieness for her to -- at some point -- go "Meep meep!" and shoot off into the distance. ^.^

Was there something going on between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash? Because it seems that Rainbow dash only noticed Fluttershy in the crowds, and not the rest of her friends. :rainbowhuh:

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Why, yes, there was. :twilightsmile:

It was a callback to Sonic Rainboom where Fluttershy finally found the voice to cheer for Rainbow... that's why it's Fluttershy's cheer in particular that gets through to her.

Thanks for adding it to my group!! :pinkiehappy: :rainbowkiss:

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